Complicated break up, i need advice

Barryp6177

My girlfriend just broke up with me 3 days ago and I have no idea what to do, I am pretty certain I am in love with her.

We were only together for about 2 months but we have been best friends for the past 2 years since we met travelling around Australia. We became so close and best friends, other friends have come and gone but we have been together and living together since we met.

When this first started 2 months ago I could not believe that it was happening, I had always liked her but never thought anything was going to happen and was ok with that but then we did get together I was so so happy, I thought it was going to be one of these fairy-tale stories where the best friends finally get together and realise they have loved each other all along and live happily ever after, how could I be so naïve.

I have never felt anything like this with anybody else before so I don't know what it feels like to be in love so, it may seem stupid but I have been googling "How do I now if I am in love?" all night and literally every single thing it says online is exactly how I feel.

We had just moved to a new city when this started and had been just the 2 of us pretty much up until about 2 weeks ago she got a new job so met new friends and a couple of other people we know have arrived in town but we are still living together just the 2 of us even though we have broken up.

She says she loves me and that I am the most important thing in her life and she will do whatever it takes to keep me as a friend because she couldn't go on without me in her life and possibly at some stage in the future things could be different with us but just not now. She said she broke up with me because she doesn't think she can be in a relationship with anybody right now because she has commitment issues basically and needs to talk to counsellor or someone about it and doesn't want this to go to far before something happens that she is scared will make her lose me forever.

I nearly left tonight and was going to go try find somewhere else to live and have minimal contact but there is nowhere available to stay in town right now, the thought of doing that and not being with her anymore kills me though, I dropped her at work and burst into tears as soon as she could not see me anymore because I thought that was going to be the last time I would see her at least for a while. I feel like I'm going to ruin our friendship by being an emotional wreak and destroying any chance we have of ever getting back together by staying living together and telling her how I feel but I also can't stand the thought of leaving. She really is the most important thing to me in the whole world, I would do anything for her but I have no idea how to deal with this?

Magicmatilda

Firstly sorry to hear you are in pain, break ups are never easy but the pain does lessen, unfortunately cliched as it is, time is a great healer.

I think that given your feelings and that you want to be in a relationship with this girl and you think you love her, you need to get away from her in order to heal or get her to move out.

She is being very unfair to you by insisting she will do anything to keep you as a friend. If she really cares about you she will leave you alone and move out in order to allow you the space you need to feel the heartbreak and get through it.

By staying in the same house and staying friends you will continue to think that there is a possibility of something more and you are going to be really hurt when she starts bringing home other guys.

Maybe she does have issues with committment but to be honest, if she really loved you, she would go to a counsellor and try and work through them. As it is she has taken no action whatsoever.

People often say they want to be friends because then the don't have to feel guilty. That is actually a very selfish thing to do.

If I were you I would ask her to leave and show her your pain, cry in front of her instead of hiding it. Her hanging around is going to prolong the pain.

Barryp6177

She has said would go to see a counsellor but we are backpackers travelling and living abroad, don't have a lot of expendable money, we even slept in our car for a while.

First of all there is absolutely now way I could do that to her I can not ask her to leave I would be the one to leave. She has taked action though, she has been saying that she is either going to save or get money from home to book a flight n just leave n go home so she'll stop hurting me. This is the last thing I want though, she should be able stay here and enjoy herself and not have to feel guilty about an ex hanging around n upsetting her, that's why I thought about leaving and myself trying to save money for a flight home, also thought that this might make her realise how much she missed me and actually does want to be together but most of all I just want her to be happy n not have to deal with my ****, its not her fault I feel this way.

joeguevara

The best thing you can do is cut contact at least for a few months.

There will be two outcomes:

No.1 She finds that she misses you and wants you back; or

No 2. You get a chance to clear your head and realise that it was probably for the best.

The worst thing you can do is try and stay friends. These types of friendships where unrequieted love is involved never work out. In fact, the more you do to try and rekindle your relationship, the more likely she will begin to resent you.

If you do stay, she is getting the best of both worlds. The comfort of your friendship and the opportunity to be with new people.

THink of yourself and your longterm. It might be hard now, but you will get through it.

Barryp6177

I have never been so confused and emotional in my life.

Why can't staying friends work? Even if were not together it would be better to have the most important person in my life to still be in my life right? We are both going home in 5 months time anyway due to visas expiring so maybe we can remain friends and sort it out then? I promised her I would not lose her as a friend no matter what, I think If I went home I would always regret it.

Mr. Incognito

You live together after two months??

To be honest that's a LOT of pressure on a new relationship.

You need to move out for a lot of reasons.

One being your sanity, but more so it will give her the space you she obviously needs to figure out what she wants.

I would move out and make yourself less available and see what happens down the road. Be a gentleman about it though. It's a highly charged emotional bomb. Just say I respect your decision but I need my own space to come to terms with it,

Rather than, you said no. All your fault I'm leavening. Don't do that.

Riskymove

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

You live together after two months??

I read that they have been living together (as friends/housemates) since they met 2 years ago

Barryp6177

Riskymove is right, we have lived together for 2 years as friends

LegacyUser

Barryp6177 wrote: »

Why can't staying friends work?

I wouldnt be focusing on WHY and the vain search for a glimmer of hope. That will cost you more tears!

As someone else said: Where unrequieted love is involved the friendships never work out"
You want different things.

Staying Friends and wishing for more will hurt you more in the long run.
The more you pine and wish for her to see the light the more she'll go the opposite way.

Hanging around like a lapdog and getting an emotional kicking over the next few months isnt a good place to be!!
Do yourself a favour and cut ties.
Get space away from her and get yourself and your head together.

Barryp6177

So I think I have had epiphany today in work.

I came to the realisation that even though I have had other relationships and girlfriends in the past, they I never really truly cared or loved those girls, at the time they ended sure I would have been pissed off or upset but NOTHING compared to how I felt this time because this time she is my best friend I do truly care for her and love her so this was my first ever serious meaningful relationship.

What I said is still true that she is still my best friend and the most important person in the world to me and I would do anything for her but that doesn't necessarily mean that I was in love with her? Maybe I was getting the feelings of being in love and just truly loving her as a friend mixed up because this was my first meaningful break up and didn't know how to deal with it because I have never experienced anything like it before, does this make sense or do I just sound insane lol?

Is it possible to get over someone you are in love with in 1 week? Because I think actually might be over her which is why I don't think I was in love with her to begin with because surly you can't fall out of love in just 1 week right? I think I just loved the idea of being in love and wanted to be, does any of this make sense?

As soon as I started thinking about this I felt so much better about everything and actually happy in work I was singing and joking around with my colleagues who I had barely even said a word to unless absolutely necessary since the break up and I was excited to go home and see my best friend instead of dreading going back to the emotional nightmare like before.

This is what I am thinking tonight anyway, who knows how I will feel tomorrow because I have had so many different thoughts and feelings and changed my mind about a million times in the past week lol.

Thank you for any comments and thoughts.

LegacyUser

Barryp6177 wrote: »

I think I just loved the idea of being in love and wanted to be, does any of this make sense?

As soon as I started thinking about this I felt so much better about everything

It's a wonderful lesson to learn. I had a similar epiphany a few years back...

LegacyUser

Yes it does OP.

Something similar happened me about 6 months ago. He was a friend of mine. I would of course love to meet someone, and because we got on so good as friends (and I genuinely love him as a person), when it happened, I thought "gosh this is it!!".

But, nope. It wasnt. I had to return to my home country. And I missed him so much (as a friend) and I was terribly confused about my feelings.

Anyways, we'd no contact for about 5 months. That was the best thing. And during that time, I had that epiphany moment, like you. And maybe he did too. The long and short of it is, we still remain friends. Maybe not exactly the way it used to be, but Im ok with that too.

tara73

OP, it's great if it solved itself like this. The brain sometimes works in funny ways or whatever created your more lighthearted feeling:)

I really hope it stays like this for you, as break up pain is so bad. all the best.

Barryp6177

This raises another question of do I tell her though??

Even thought that this is of course a good thing, nobody would like to hear "I love you but I am not in love with you" ever regardless of the circumstances, that is not a nice thing to hear and I do not want to upset or hurt her, she is also feeling pretty down and emotional at the moment about a couple of other things too, which have probably been magnified by the break up as well.

So should I tell her? Maybe just leave out the I'm not in love with you part (I mean I never actually said the words that I am in love with her to begin with) and tell her I had an epiphany about it being the first meaningful break up and that's why it hurt so much and I didn't know how to deal with it but it's ok now??

Thanks guys.

Eeden

If whatever it is you want to tell her (not very clear from your post) is actually something that's going to make her feel better, then tell her.

If whatever it is is just something you want to let her know (like "I'm over you") then don't.

LegacyUser

Barryp6177 wrote: »

This raises another question of do I tell her though??
Thanks guys.

Hi OP (I posted above),
Believe me when I tell you, a time will come when you can explain this to her. And usually this is in time. When wounds have healed.

I wouldnt tell her this straight away. I know it might be to save the friendship (right now), but let things run their natural course. Its not a "Ok, right I figured out my feelings. I was never in love with you. Alls grand on my part. Lets just be friends again now!"

Be cool about everything, and do your own thing and concentrate on yourself, for now. As she will be doing for her self.

Barryp6177

So that epiphany I had, not so sure about that anymore. I do think I love her and I was just trying to figure out a way to deal with it.

Another thing is I happened to come across some facebook messages and found out that she went home with another guy a few nights back when she was drunk that she has only known for 2 weeks, although I don't believe anything happened between them (can't be 100% sure though) she still went back to some guys house n slept there for the night and lied to me about it the next day, made up some excuse that she slept in one of the girls houses, instantly didn't believe that but didn't question it either. She still thinks I don't know.

I don't want to be that guy, the ex who she has to sneak around and lie to about other guys because she thinks it will make it easier but it won't it will only make things worse or awkward, I may not like seeing or hearing about her with other guys but I would still like to know. We are suppose to be best friends, doesn't that mean that she should tell me everything, even if sometimes it means upsetting me or annoying me?

Don't really have a question here, just wanted to know peoples thoughts???

Big Bag of Chips

Barryp6177 wrote: »

We are suppose to be best friends, doesn't that mean that she should tell me everything

No!

And you've now crossed a line. She's not just your friend anymore. She's your ex. Reading through your posts I was going to say that you need to make a clean break and not even be friends for a while because when she starts seeing someone else you will be gutted.

How did you "come across" some Facebook messages? If they were public posts, fair enough. If you've read her private messages then you are completely in the wrong. You are not over her. You are not in a position to be her friend. She shouldn't have to tell you she was with someone, regardless of whether or not you'd get upset, because if you are really "friends" then you shouldn't be getting upset about her being with someone.

Friendships can recover from a failed attempt at a relationship. But continuing to live together and being privvy to each other's comings and goings just makes it difficult and awkward and prolongs the upset felt.

I think the time has come to change living arrangements.

Barryp6177

It was private messages, I know I am in the wrong for doing it and I should not have looked at them but I just could not help myself I had to know if she was lying and she was.

I think you might be right about the living arrangements, it seems staying together is only going to completely destroy anything we have. Having said that it might not even be financially possible, I wish we never came to this ****ing place, if we were at home it would be so much easier.

joeguevara

joeguevara wrote: »

The best thing you can do is cut contact at least for a few months.

There will be two outcomes:

No.1 She finds that she misses you and wants you back; or

No 2. You get a chance to clear your head and realise that it was probably for the best.

The worst thing you can do is try and stay friends. These types of friendships where unrequieted love is involved never work out. In fact, the more you do to try and rekindle your relationship, the more likely she will begin to resent you.

If you do stay, she is getting the best of both worlds. The comfort of your friendship and the opportunity to be with new people.

THink of yourself and your longterm. It might be hard now, but you will get through it.

Please read my advice again.

You will get hurt.

Move out. Move on!

whitebriar

Barryp6177 wrote: »

So that epiphany I had, not so sure about that anymore. I do think I love her and I was just trying to figure out a way to deal with it.

Another thing is I happened to come across some facebook messages and found out that she went home with another guy a few nights back when she was drunk that she has only known for 2 weeks, although I don't believe anything happened between them (can't be 100% sure though) she still went back to some guys house n slept there for the night and lied to me about it the next day, made up some excuse that she slept in one of the girls houses, instantly didn't believe that but didn't question it either. She still thinks I don't know.

I don't want to be that guy, the ex who she has to sneak around and lie to about other guys because she thinks it will make it easier but it won't it will only make things worse or awkward, I may not like seeing or hearing about her with other guys but I would still like to know. We are suppose to be best friends, doesn't that mean that she should tell me everything, even if sometimes it means upsetting me or annoying me?

Don't really have a question here, just wanted to know peoples thoughts???

funilly enough,as I was reading through this thread,I was thinking what are you going to be like living with her still when she is see'ing other guys..and here we are ALREADY.
You need to be looking for somewhere else to live now son.
Nip this cancer in the bud(not saying she is the cancer,I mean what's happening to you). Close your Facebook for a while and get with someone else.
Meet new people.Doing that is an amazing antidote for your current woes.

December2012

You're already that creepy ex if you're looking at her private Facebook messages.

You should have controlled yourself.

Move out.

She's not your best friend now - she's your ex.

Sleepless and Manic

I cant imagine the torture of having to break up with someone I love and yet remain in the SAME HOUSE??

Sorry for the caps. but i'm having a really hard time with it. How the F do you "break up" with someone if they're still right there? And you have to have contact with them?

Yes, I get finances are hard, property market is dodgy etc etc.

I couldnt do it though. Its weird.

If you want to get your head straight you have to get out of there.