Sex & body image

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I'm a 24 year old female.

Since the age of 18 I have had multiple sex partners (25 +).

Then, between the age of 22-24, I have had 2. That's a big difference.

I guess there are two reasons for that. 1. Maturity and 2. Loss of confidence.

I have found myself slowly losing confidence down through the years. When I look back to when I was 18/19, I cannot believe I had the confidence to sleep with those guys. These weren't even drunken sex, I was also meeting guys online for ONS, sober. I genuinely am shocked at how I even managed to do any of this as I am a completely different person now.

The thing is, I am going through a dry spell but it's my own fault. I have been dating a guy for the past 2 months and I am terrified to have sex with him because I am afraid he won't like my body and will want to find a girl who is thinner (he's very, very fit). I have been told by others that I am 'thin', I'm 5'8 and I weigh 157lbs. According to google, that is not 'thin'. I could do with losing 7lbs at least imo. I really can't stand my body. The thing is, I was heavier back when I was 18/19 yet I didn't seem to care at all ! I cannot even remember the girl I used to be. It baffles me.

I look around at other women who are heavier than me and I wonder what their partner's think of their body. Do they care? Does it repulse them? I do not want that to sound mean. To put it into perspective I do not care if a guy I sleep with is carrying a few too many, yet I am terrifed as to what he will think of me.

Do any other women/men feel this way?

I am not looking for comments like 'do something about it and lose a few pounds'. I am already doing that. I am afraid to have sex in the meantime, that is the issue here.

Thanks

Lou.m

You need to address the underlying issue of self love.

It is very very common for women and perhaps men to reject a sex life because of lack of self body love. That is not the same things as needing to get in shape. Being in shape would not make much of a difference for you if you don't learn to love your body now.

Don't allow someone else's reaction to your body define you.

A lot of women reject sleeping with their BF's because of lack of self esteem and never say. Talk to him about it.

But you have to know not matter how many times he tells you he finds you attractive it will not make up for your own lack of self love.

And when you start from a place of good self esteem being healthy and getting fit will be easier.

Maybe try counseling for body issues.
The only thing better than being perfect is to be free.

HUGS OP.

And to any man or woman out there who feels like the OP does ..be kind to you...you are the only you the world has.

bee06

Completely agree with Lou.M. Firstly, stop googling! And it won't really matter if you lose 7 pounds you'll still feel the same because your lack of self confidence is in your head not physical.

Counselling is a good idea but if you want to start working on your confidence yourself start by focusing on the good parts of your body rather than the bits you don't like. Every time you think I could lose 7 pounds think about a good thing too like I have really nice hair, or lips or whatever. It probably sounds stupid but these are the things that everyone else notices. All the bad things you see are just being magnified in your head.

ManOfMystery

It seems strange that despite having many sexual encounters (which I presume you wouldn't have had if those men didn't find you attractive in some way), your confidence has actually gone down.

Have you ever considered that perhaps having a number of sexual encounters outside of a committed/loving relationship has somehow devalued your own sense of self-worth, in that you may feel overly reliant now on the physical side of things (i.e. your body, how you look, and so on) and less on the emotional side?

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm not saying the OP has slept with too many people, or too little people. I have a live-and-let-live policy. And I don't see any difference between a girl who's had many partners, and a man who's had many.

But whats works for some people (multiple sexual partners) doesn't work for others, and sometimes we don't realise that until further down the line. Just something to think about.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

A question for Lou and Bee06 -

I find the 'self love' and 'confidence' a bit of a cliché, although I respect and acknowledge that 99% of people would agree with you both, I just cannot understand how you can love yourself if a man will reject you because 'you're too overweight' or 'you've bad hygiene' (just examples btw), like surely you cannot say to yourself 'well if he won't accept me even though I've bad hygiene, that's his problem, because I love my scent'. Isn't that delusional? I apologise that was a terrible example but hopefully it will enable you to understand how my mind works.

ManOfMystery wrote: »

It seems strange that despite having many sexual encounters (which I presume you wouldn't have had if those men didn't find you attractive in some way), your confidence has actually gone down.

Have you ever considered that perhaps having a number of sexual encounters outside of a committed/loving relationship has somehow devalued your own sense of self-worth, in that you may feel overly reliant now on the physical side of things (i.e. your body, how you look, and so on) and less on the emotional side?

A lot of these men I slept with thinking a relationship would evolve but looking back on it I was very young and naive, and obviously if you sleep with someone so soon a relationship is very unlikely to happen. This is what happened. It was self destructive in a way rather than actually wanting sex.

I just don't want to fool myself into thinking 'my body is great' when most likely it isn't. I don't want to become delusional, if I amn't already.

bee06

body_image wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

A question for Lou and Bee06 -

I find the 'self love' and 'confidence' a bit of a cliché, although I respect and acknowledge that 99% of people would agree with you both, I just cannot understand how you can love yourself if a man will reject you because 'you're too overweight' or 'you've bad hygiene' (just examples btw), like surely you cannot say to yourself 'well if he won't accept me even though I've bad hygiene, that's his problem, because I love my scent'. Isn't that delusional? I apologise that was a terrible example but hopefully it will enable you to understand how my mind works.

The hygiene example isn't the best but if you take your overweight example are you saying that there is no point being happy with your body if men aren't happy with it?

Firstly, how do you know men aren't happy with it? You have a boyfriend and I'm sure he is attracted to you.

But secondly, and way more important, you should never place your self worth on what other people (be they men or women) think because you will always find someone that will criticise you. You have to find that within yourself and be happy with yourself.

To be honest I don't know how to explain it to you properly and I'm sure a counsellor would help you so much but I will tell you this ... I have experienced first hand what a difference confidence makes. When I was younger I hated my body, I didn't think I was clever and I was scared of the world and miserable. It was exhausting. Gradually I built up my confidence through little victories, small compliments on my good assets, praise from managers at work on what a good worker I was and when I built up my confidence my life changed and I still had the same body and the same brain. The only thing that was different was how I saw myself.

You have to be open to it though and recognise the good things when they happen instead of focusing on the negatives all the time.

OP,

Your worth is not dependent on what a man's opinion of you is
Any man will reject any number of differing women and you will never please all of them. Worry about pleasing yourself
You weren't rejected in the past for being overweight and you are *certainly* not overweight now by any objective standards
Finally, you don't know how your boyfriend feels, you are projecting your own insecurities onto him without even finding out

You should really speak to someone about this as it could become a very big issue in your life, it is one already, and what needs to change here is your confidence, not your boyfriend or your weight

SusieBlue

Firstly, ignore google because it doesn't take body shape, proportions, metabolism and build into account at all.

Secondly, I can totally sympathise. I feel like you do a lot of the time as well. All you can do is work on your image issues. Keep telling yourself that these are YOUR issues, and not anyone else's perception of you. The guy your seeing would not have hung around if he wasn't attracted to you. Appreciate your good features, show them off, and down play the ones you have less love for.

It will all come in time. You aren't going to wake up tomorrow with bags of self esteem. Hugs OP...I know how it feels.

Taltos

OP - some of the sexiest women I have known did not have the ideal bodyweight that the media would tell you is needed. What they had was a mixture of self-assurance, confidence and a f you attitude (in a good way) - basically they knew what they wanted and were comfortable in their own skin. Think yourself to some of the men that attract you - not the cocky man-boys - but the real men that have a certain something, could be confidence, or an inner strength. Do you think some of them don't bemoan say their hair loss or do they just shrug their shoulders and give two fingers up to the world and just be happy in themselves.

As to how you get this for yourself - could be a mixture of therapy - maybe finding something you love doing and building on the feeling it gives you - picking one thing about you that you love and reminding yourself of that (not obsessing on it as all looks fade). Basically though either you let your fears define you and control your life or you accept you for who you are and if you do it right come to really love yourself, hell even liking yourself is a huge deal for some people.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies.

If I do happen to build my confidence and value my self worth more, am I right in saying that I still might be seeking men that are not in my league?

Should women only sleep with men that are a similar weight to themselves and likewise?

I couldn't imagine a seriously fit guy wanting to sleep with a girl who is overweight, likewise with females?

I ask this because the guy I am dating is incredibly fit while I have a bit of a belly/thighs.

I'm wondering should I be going for guys that are in my own league (similar weight)?

I'm sorry if this sounds bonkers to some of you but it really is a very stressful issue for me.I wish I didn't feel this way. I have attended psychologists over this and they have all sympathised with me telling me that I am extremely harsh on myself. As you have all suggested, they too have told me to 'love myself' more. It is extremely difficult though and believe me I am trying (I've taken up a group activity, I try to eat well, I workout), but it still gets to me everyday. Some people tell me I am stunning, a friend told me recently that I could be a model in one of my photos, but when I receive these extreme compliments I think to myself - 'they're only saying this to cheer me up because they feel sorry for me or because they're my friends' etc. and I also believe that if what they were saying was true, then I would be in a relationship, but I have never even had a boyfriend.

beks101

Oh OP, your post really made me sad.

It also struck such a chord, as someone who has struggled relentlessly with body image issues over the years and as someone who has a lot of female friends who feel as you do. As though they can't possibly measure up, as though they can't possibly be attractive because they don't look like all the models in those magazines or the celebrities we see on TV. As though they don't really know or understand their own bodies - as though it's some alien species to them over which they have no ownership and no control and nothing but hatred and disgust for how it appears to them.

I have been told by others that I am 'thin', I'm 5'8 and I weigh 157lbs. According to google, that is not 'thin'. I could do with losing 7lbs at least imo. I really can't stand my body. The thing is, I was heavier back when I was 18/19 yet I didn't seem to care at all! I cannot even remember the girl I used to be. It baffles me.

This...ALL of this...is just upsetting to me beyond belief. It's a thought that fuelled an eating disorder in me for many years and it's a belief that allowed me to mistreat my own body with extreme diets, disordered eating, excessive exercise, deprivation, disrespect, disregards for its base physiological needs...for more years than I even care to remember.

In that paragraph above, you've debased, de-personalized and objectified your own body as though it's not a part of you and is rather some kind of parasite which you despise and over which you have no control.

This is what can happen when you've grown up with very low self esteem and learned to validate your own worth on how others value parts of you. It's a very easy trap to fall into with men, as most young women will be familiar with male attention and the power of their sexuality from an early age, and that fleeting 'boost' of confidence when a man desires you can be an easy crutch when you otherwise have no sense of confidence in who you are.

I don't mean to turn this into some sort of thesis, so I'll cut straight to the point - you need to take ownership of your body. You need to get back to basics and get acquainted with your body in a way that I suspect you never have. Find out how strong, resilient and powerful it really is - WITHOUT using it as a vehicle for sex or an object with which to find a fleeting moment's validation as you have done in the past. Without crash dieting as a means to fix all these deep-rooted self esteem issues you clearly have (doesn't work...I could write a series of books on how it doesn't work)

All I can tell you is what worked (and continues to work) for me. I started running. I took up yoga. I learned how to meditate and really listen to what my body needed, outside of all the external noise I got used to inflicting on it about it needed to be "skinnier", it needing to be "fitter"/"more attractive" yada yada yack. I stopped referring to it as "it" and acknowledged my body as an integral part of who I am and a vital part of the mind-body-soul connection that makes up Beks101.

And I began to realize how fcuking awesome it was. Not because I look like a catwalk model (ha!) or lost a phenomenal amount of weight (didn't happen) - but because if I listened to what it was telling me and followed all those physical cues of eating when I got hungry, sleeping when I got tired, drinking water when I got thirsty and doing nothing when my schedule dictated otherwise but my body had its own plans.... the benefits were unprecedented. Mainly I could look in the mirror and see ME - the healthy, vibrant human being I was meant to be - and in turn, that balance allowed me to let go of all these ridiculous standards of "thinness" and "attractiveness" that I had for myself.
This idea that I didn't "deserve" to be wanted or desired by an attractive man unless I looked movie-star thin and toned and beautiful.

Remember this: when you impose those standards, you are actively rejecting yourself. The more times you tell yourself you're "not thin enough", the worse you will feel about yourself and the more you will believe that it's Me Versus My Body - which just perpetrates the self-hatred.

i know this all sounds a bit hoaxy, a bit Oprah, and maybe you'll take nothing from any of this. But I get so desperately sad and upset when I read of young, wonderful, intelligent women debasing themselves and objectifying their own bodies and in doing so, jeopardizing their own mental and often physical health - and all of those things are so normal, so standard, so socially acceptable for women nowadays and they really should not be.

Believing that your body is wonderful and powerful is not a delusion, or some sort of stupid, laughable idea borne out of reading too many self help books. You've got two functional legs and a strong pair of lungs and a healthy heart and an attractive, healthy womanly figure - why the fcuk would that NOT be a wonderful thing?

I really hope that you can learn to look at yourself in a different way OP. I really hope that you can learn to really look at yourself, without the projections of what you feel you need to see. If you can master that, everything else will fall into place around that, including a healthy body image and a satisfying sex life.

And what the previous poster said is bang on - when a woman is truly comfortable in her own skin, she radiates an energy and a sex appeal that simply can't be achieved by crash dieting or "reaching your goal weight".

Overheal

Nobody mentioned Marilyn Monroe yet. The icon of sexual desire for an entire generation and people still talk about her.

If you go by today's "standards" she had extra weight, stretch marks, and other normal human flaws. She lived in a time long before photoshop. It was the confidence she exuded.

LegacyUser

Wow. What a lovely post Beks! To think someone on the internet would take their time to post that without even knowing the actual poster is warming.

I have snapshotted your entire post and I will read it over again from time to time to make sure I drill it into myself.

I'm sorry I don't know what else to say other than thank you.

I will check in in a few months time to let you know how I am doing. Hopefully I will have managed to develop peace and love for myself and put myself first in future.

Thanks again.

Neyite

body_image wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies.

If I do happen to build my confidence and value my self worth more, am I right in saying that I still might be seeking men that are not in my league?

Should women only sleep with men that are a similar weight to themselves and likewise?

No, you are wrong actually . The really, really great thing about attaining self-confidence and self-assurance is that leagues disappear. You are not in a league, neither are they. There are simply blokes that you have chemistry with, or not. When you are talking about leagues you are imposing a kind of caste system on yourself and potential mates and it doesn’t work like that. We fancy who we fancy. Sometimes they are gorgeous dicks, sometimes they are someone who may not be handsome or beautiful in the traditional sense but there is something about them that drives you wild. And in between there are a whole heap of potential partners who may or may not be attracted to you.

wrote:

I couldn't imagine a seriously fit guy wanting to sleep with a girl who is overweight, likewise with females?

I ask this because the guy I am dating is incredibly fit while I have a bit of a belly/thighs.

I'm wondering should I be going for guys that are in my own league (similar weight)?

With respect, why do you get to decide what another human being finds attractive? Men love women in all shapes and sizes. I have a tiny rotund aunt who’s tall beanpole husband adores her. Absolutely devoted and mad about her, and has been since the 70’s. Now both of them are showing their ages in their sixties a bit but still mad about each other. Your partner is with you because he really fancies what he sees. But you can’t expect someone to fall in love with you when even you dislike yourself, and it is ultimately what will sabotage your relationship if you let it.

wrote:

I'm sorry if this sounds bonkers to some of you but it really is a very stressful issue for me.I wish I didn't feel this way. I have attended psychologists over this and they have all sympathised with me telling me that I am extremely harsh on myself. As you have all suggested, they too have told me to 'love myself' more. It is extremely difficult though and believe me I am trying (I've taken up a group activity, I try to eat well, I workout), but it still gets to me everyday. Some people tell me I am stunning, a friend told me recently that I could be a model in one of my photos, but when I receive these extreme compliments I think to myself - 'they're only saying this to cheer me up because they feel sorry for me or because they're my friends' etc. and I also believe that if what they were saying was true, then I would be in a relationship, but I have never even had a boyfriend.

Most people don’t lie. When we say something nice to people, it’s usually truthful. Practice only saying and thinking “Thank-you. It’s really nice of you to say that” and the minute you start to dismiss the compliment in your mind, stop yourself.

Would you be this critical of a friend? If a friend said all of these things to you what would you say to her? Would say to her that she is right? Or would you point out what makes her gorgeous and unique and special and that any man would be lucky to have someone as beautiful inside and out as she is.

Become your own best friend, imagine what someone who knows you, who loves you warts and all would tell you when you are hard on yourself. Then put it into practice. From your posts all I can see is you saying “how could he find me attractive” whereas you need to be moving towards the way of thinking “do I find him attractive”

I had some body issues when I was younger, and I fully agree with Bec . I’d also suggest yoga. You learn so much about your body in such a positive way. Running was never my thing, but I always felt amazing physically and mentally after a yoga session.

Queen-Mise

Neyite wrote: »

Most people don’t lie. When we say something nice to people, it’s usually truthful. Practice only saying and thinking “Thank-you. It’s really nice of you to say that” and the minute you start to dismiss the compliment in your mind, stop yourself.

This X 1000. I had to learn this. When someone compliments a coat, earrings, hair, makeup, shoes. Say 'Thanks very much' - don't turn and then say, 'ah this old thing, it came from x,y, or z, for 13c....' Don't turn around and put yourself down whilst accepting the compliment.

You have things a little skewed ways. Go to a counsellor and work on your opinion of yourself and your self-confidence.

I'd talk to your BF bluntly about this. Although don't go into the conversation looking for compliments, and reassurance. It is not his place to prop up your self-belief, that is yours to do.

Our self-worth, self-confidence, self-image, self-love, comes from ourselves, not from what others think of us.

Also following your logic, my OH always say 'You find what you are looking for', if you are looking for someone to critique you or put yourself down, you will ALWAYS find someone to do it. Similarly if looking for problems/issues you will always find them also.

bee06

In the compliments thing I used to think that people only complimented me to be nice as well but then I thought why would anyone do that. I don't give a compliment that I don't mean so why should I be thinking other people do to me.