Girlfriend prone to depression - want to break up anyway

LegacyUser

Any opinions on this?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 years, but looking back it’s probably been a disaster for most of them. I found out about her depression after about 6 months (during my final college exams). The depression has been up and down over the years – some really low points with self-harm, councilors, psychiatrists. For months I used just come home to her crying.

But she’s a difficult person. She tells me about problems with co-workers in her office, but I think if she has that many problems with that many people then she is a common denominator. She can be terrible for putting down people and their opinions in a sort of passive aggressive way. While at the same time if someone was to do this to her she’d flip. She’s the same with her friends. I don’t think there’s anyone (other than me and her family) that I would consider her close to. Naturally this gets her down, but the fact of it is that she’s mean and hurtful to everyone.

She has other reasons to be sad too – she has a long term illness that she struggles with physically and emotionally. As a result, she’s really not suited to working long hours at all (a bit of exhaustion and she’ll be sick for longer). She struggles with her weight as well.

And onto me – I’m far from perfect as well. I was generally happy up to recently. I get on well with people, no health issues. My biggest flaw is a lack of drive / ambition. I’m 28 and have been in the same job for the last 8 years. It was ok to begin with – there was still plenty of time to progress professionally / decide what I even want to do, but I’ve quite desperately wanted an answer to that question for the last couple of years and I just can’t figure it out. I can’t see how I will figure it out and therefore can’t see how I’ll ever amount to more than I am now. I’m not content with what I’m doing. People I went to school / college with are now getting good jobs, good money and I just can’t see any chance for anything like that for me. I got a relatively good leaving and degree, but if I haven’t managed to push on from there, why will I tomorrow. That realization has left me very emotionally fragile recently. Essentially, I can’t stop thinking about what a waster I am and I think it’s just natural.

My girlfriend has never treated me well. She’s constantly putting me down. I enjoy banter and would have plenty of it with friends, family. She is constantly telling me I’m cruel, not nice talking about whoever or whatever in such a way. If we go to the pub with friends, she’ll tell me I’m a disgrace, turn into not a nice person with drink in me (could be 2 pints and she’ll tell me I’m hammered and take a moral highground). I’ve asked a couple of friends about these things and they’ve been quite shocked that she regarded my behavior in a pub in any sort of negative way. They would have just thought that we had a good night. She’ll also insult my friends and family when we’re together.

Most of these problems she has are down to insecurities and her own unhappiness. But at this point I just can’t take any more of it. I feel pretty bad about myself a lot of the time and now when I’m with her she’s constantly reminding me of what’s wrong with me and telling me some of the things I’m quite happy about regarding myself I’m essentially wrong about too. I know I essentially justified all her faults as not her fault (it’s just the depression) and I know I am so much at fault for letting everything get to this stage (8 years of our lives!).

But the obvious problem if I do break up with her is what happens to her? She doesn’t have friends / siblings to turn to. She cries about being lonely already and I just can’t see anything but devastation if I leave. I think she’ll probably go back to cutting herself at least. I’ve tried talking to her about things before. A couple of times things improve for a little while, but most times it just makes things worse for a while before going back to normal.

I could go on for pages, but the above gives a bit of a summation of it all. I’m guessing it’s actually not an uncommon situation. What did other people do?

leonidas83

William D-Fens Foster wrote: »

Any opinions on this?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 years, but looking back it’s probably been a disaster for most of them. I found out about her depression after about 6 months (during my final college exams). The depression has been up and down over the years – some really low points with self-harm, councilors, psychiatrists. For months I used just come home to her crying.

But she’s a difficult person. She tells me about problems with co-workers in her office, but I think if she has that many problems with that many people then she is a common denominator. She can be terrible for putting down people and their opinions in a sort of passive aggressive way. While at the same time if someone was to do this to her she’d flip. She’s the same with her friends. I don’t think there’s anyone (other than me and her family) that I would consider her close to. Naturally this gets her down, but the fact of it is that she’s mean and hurtful to everyone.

She has other reasons to be sad too – she has a long term illness that she struggles with physically and emotionally. As a result, she’s really not suited to working long hours at all (a bit of exhaustion and she’ll be sick for longer). She struggles with her weight as well.

And onto me – I’m far from perfect as well. I was generally happy up to recently. I get on well with people, no health issues. My biggest flaw is a lack of drive / ambition. I’m 28 and have been in the same job for the last 8 years. It was ok to begin with – there was still plenty of time to progress professionally / decide what I even want to do, but I’ve quite desperately wanted an answer to that question for the last couple of years and I just can’t figure it out. I can’t see how I will figure it out and therefore can’t see how I’ll ever amount to more than I am now. I’m not content with what I’m doing. People I went to school / college with are now getting good jobs, good money and I just can’t see any chance for anything like that for me. I got a relatively good leaving and degree, but if I haven’t managed to push on from there, why will I tomorrow. That realization has left me very emotionally fragile recently. Essentially, I can’t stop thinking about what a waster I am and I think it’s just natural.

My girlfriend has never treated me well. She’s constantly putting me down. I enjoy banter and would have plenty of it with friends, family. She is constantly telling me I’m cruel, not nice talking about whoever or whatever in such a way. If we go to the pub with friends, she’ll tell me I’m a disgrace, turn into not a nice person with drink in me (could be 2 pints and she’ll tell me I’m hammered and take a moral highground). I’ve asked a couple of friends about these things and they’ve been quite shocked that she regarded my behavior in a pub in any sort of negative way. They would have just thought that we had a good night. She’ll also insult my friends and family when we’re together.

Most of these problems she has are down to insecurities and her own unhappiness. But at this point I just can’t take any more of it. I feel pretty bad about myself a lot of the time and now when I’m with her she’s constantly reminding me of what’s wrong with me and telling me some of the things I’m quite happy about regarding myself I’m essentially wrong about too. I know I essentially justified all her faults as not her fault (it’s just the depression) and I know I am so much at fault for letting everything get to this stage (8 years of our lives!).

But the obvious problem if I do break up with her is what happens to her? She doesn’t have friends / siblings to turn to. She cries about being lonely already and I just can’t see anything but devastation if I leave. I think she’ll probably go back to cutting herself at least. I’ve tried talking to her about things before. A couple of times things improve for a little while, but most times it just makes things worse for a while before going back to normal.

I could go on for pages, but the above gives a bit of a summation of it all. I’m guessing it’s actually not an uncommon situation. What did other people do?

First of all, I think you need to take a bit of personal responsibility. It sounds like you blame her for a lot of the problems in your relationship & in your life.

By staying with her like this, your doing more harm to her in the long run than any good. Encourage her to seek professional help, advise her to speak to someone she trusts about her problems but do not stay with her out of pity or worry no matter what you do. You will resent her more in the long run.

In relation to your work issues, stop paying attention to what other people are doing, believe me, no matter how good they might seem to have it, that's never the case. You have to do whats right for you & the only way your going to find out what that is by getting out there & trying new things, courses, sports, events, meeting new people.

Alf. A. Male

After 8 years together, you think you'd have something to say in your post that would give a clue as to why you got together to begin with and why you have stayed together that long, but I can't see it.

It sounds like the relationship has made you terribly unhappy and had a knock-on effect in other areas that has accentuated it. It sounds also like you tolerating it for that long has only facilitated her in making no changes, she can keep making a hames of other relationships so long as she can rely on you being there to put up with her.

It's natural that you'd worry about where she will go if you break up, but if you have put in the effort for that long and it's steadily got worse, staying will only make it worse again. If you think the relationship is worth saving then maybe tell her that, but make it very clear it will only be saved if she makes a genuine effort to change. If she doesn't respond to that, well, could you both put up with this toxicity for another 8 years? I know I couldn't and I don't think anyone else should either. Look after yourself, if you don't, no one else can.

LegacyUser

@ leonidas83

"First of all, I think you need to take a bit of personal responsibility. It sounds like you blame her for a lot of the problems in your relationship & in your life.

By staying with her like this, your doing more harm to her in the long run than any good. Encourage her to seek professional help, advise her to speak to someone she trusts about her problems but do not stay with her out of pity or worry no matter what you do. You will resent her more in the long run.

In relation to your work issues, stop paying attention to what other people are doing, believe me, no matter how good they might seem to have it, that's never the case. You have to do whats right for you & the only way your going to find out what that is by getting out there & trying new things, courses, sports, events, meeting new people."

I'm fed up blaming myself for everything. I think one of the reasons we're still together is that I haven't blamed her in the past, instead I've blamed her illnesses, her upbringing, or whatever else. I know I was particularly moany about her in the post, but I don't like to moan about her in real life (I'm probably quite embarrassed about it all to be honest), so I have used boards to vent a bit. It has definitely turned to resentment / even anger in the last couple of months and while it should never have gone on as long as it did, it simply can't go on any longer.

She's had plenty of professional help and some of them have helped, but she doesn't have the money for them anyway. Councillors are far from cheap and getting time off work for them isn't always easy. She's living in the country which makes things more difficult.

The work / career issues are a separate thing really, but just another adding to my inability to cope with it all.

LegacyUser

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

After 8 years together, you think you'd have something to say in your post that would give a clue as to why you got together to begin with and why you have stayed together that long, but I can't see it.

It sounds like the relationship has made you terribly unhappy and had a knock-on effect in other areas that has accentuated it. It sounds also like you tolerating it for that long has only facilitated her in making no changes, she can keep making a hames of other relationships so long as she can rely on you being there to put up with her.

It's natural that you'd worry about where she will go if you break up, but if you have put in the effort for that long and it's steadily got worse, staying will only make it worse again. If you think the relationship is worth saving then maybe tell her that, but make it very clear it will only be saved if she makes a genuine effort to change. If she doesn't respond to that, well, could you both put up with this toxicity for another 8 years? I know I couldn't and I don't think anyone else should either. Look after yourself, if you don't, no one else can.

I agree with all of this, but I think we're beyond saving. I don't even want to save us. After 8 years, without doubt I've been putting off doing anything until things get better for most of it. I'm particularly ashamed of this and on the one hand feel extra guilty about hurting her by leaving, but on the other ashamed to stay when my heart isn't in it.

I still don't know if she'd cope at all with me leaving though. That's still the problem in all of this.

LegacyUser

Ok. If the only reason you are staying is because you don't think she'll cope without you then you need to leave.

I would encourage you to do it properly though - there are ways that you can do these things, if you do it right then it won't hit her so hard.

I'd suggest you speak to someone professionally before you do anything just to help you make a plan.

I think its very important that you leave this relationship you are young, you sound smart and you have got your whole life ahead of you. Things aren't going well with ye and if they are like this now what will they be like in 10 years or when children are involved.

You have a responsibility to this girl. She has stood by you for eight years (even though her behavior hasn't been perfect). You need to do this and do this right. I would really encourage you to get onto a professional for advice simply because it will exacerbate the mental health problem.

Jenneke87

William D-Fens Foster wrote: »

I agree with all of this, but I think we're beyond saving. I don't even want to save us. After 8 years, without doubt I've been putting off doing anything until things get better for most of it. I'm particularly ashamed of this and on the one hand feel extra guilty about hurting her by leaving, but on the other ashamed to stay when my heart isn't in it.

I still don't know if she'd cope at all with me leaving though. That's still the problem in all of this.

That's your answer right there I think. You say so yourself, you don't want to save the relationship and you can't bear responsibility for her for the rest of her life. I know she has some severe issues, but ultimately, they are her issues and if you feel such resentment towards her, no doubt she has picked up on that somewhere along the way and that certainly won't help her depression. If you're really sure you're beyond saving, then end it.

Mark Tapley

I wouldn't say that depression causes her to be nasty to or about others. Depression can cause a negative outlook which can be tiresome for others but I think acting in a spiteful way is a negative personality trait independent of the depression.
I am not an expert of course but have some experience with depression.

curlzy

I just want to give you a hug. What a bloody awful predicament. I can understand how you'd feel guilty to leave, I'm sure you must feel really trapped. But at the end of the day, sacrificing yourself and your happiness for someone else just never works and it sounds like that's what you've been doing for way too long.

I'm not going to comment on all of the examples of her bad behaviour but it certainly sounds like her depression and abuse (constantly putting someone down is abuse) has started to have an effect on you and how you view yourself. Her behaviour certainly sounds like she's projecting her faults on to you, i.e. calling you cruel when she's the one that's passive aggressively putting people down left, right and centre.

At the end of the day OP, you can't fix her, only she can do that. You're not helping her at all, she's just dragging you down with her. You sound like a good caring person, but don't let that go too far and become a shadow of who you once were. Get out now, don't waste any more time on this, you'll regret it forever if you do.

Best of luck.

Nichololas

Mark Tapley wrote: »

I wouldn't say that depression causes her to be nasty to or about others. Depression can cause a negative outlook which can be tiresome for others but I think acting in a spiteful way is a negative personality trait independent of the depression.
I am not an expert of course but have some experience with depression.

Depression coupled with long-term illness might, though.

Mark Tapley

Nichololas wrote: »

Depression coupled with long-term illness might, though.

Neither is an excuse or reason to take your problems out on others.

tinkerbell

OP, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. You are very unhappy so you need to leave. Your girlfriend needs to sort out her own problems, as you cannot stay in an abusive relationship - you said she's never treated you well, so this is not a recent change of events. She'll be hurt of course if you break up with her, but she'll get over it, you can't just stay with someone when you are grossly unhappy, being abused, just because you are afraid of how they'll take the break up.