Housemate and her boyfriend

Shelga

Let me start by saying I know some people will say I am lucky to have this dynamic in my house share and usually the problem is the other way around, but it is something that gets me down sometimes and I was hoping for some advice.

I'm a 26 year old girl and have been flat-sharing with another Irish girl for the last year. She is great and we get along really well, I consider her a good friend now. The problem is her boyfriend is over nearly every weekend, and the issue is not that they hog the living area, but the other way round- they go into her room from Friday evening and stay there until Sunday evening, both of them ignoring me. He is extremely anti-social and I think suffers from anxiety/depression, and won't do anything out of his comfort zone. In the last 12 months I have said hello to him twice, both times he was forced to speak to me and looked extremely uncomfortable. If I'm in the living area she'll come out, scurry round making food or whatever, and bring it back to him in her room. He just will not leave that room for 2 days straight and they never speak to another human being!

I just find it so odd and such a negative energy, it's started to make me want to move. I had a really bad breakup a few months ago, and was at a loose end for the first few weekends, feeling intensely lonely. Would have meant a lot to me just to have them ask me along to the cinema or something, but of course he wouldn't. He also treats her like crap, taking his own depression issues out on her in a really passive-aggressive way, but still she puts him first all the time. I now try to organise stuff to fill the weekends and am gone a lot of the time, but when I am there it feels quite draining. More lonely than if I was just here by myself! I also think the dynamic in a 2 person houseshare makes it much more noticeable than if I lived with say 4 others.

I really just want to know if anyone else has experienced this and how did you deal with it? I am hoping to leave this city shortly anyway so it will no longer be an issue, but should I say anything to her in the meantime? I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be on friendly terms with person who is in your home every weekend, but I've accepted this will never happen. It's just that she and I get along so well when he's not there! Help please

December2012

You cannot force people to socialise with you, even housemates.

You could ask them to do something with you, maybe suggest sightseeing or a local attraction, but they might be just into doing their own thing.

Look elsewhere for company.

Gannicus

Have you asked if she feels that you are hogging the common areas. this could all be a miscommunication. you never know. she may think so if thats the case explain you're not and move forward.

LegacyUser

I understand what you mean about negative energy from people hiding away in their rooms. In some ways that is great, but it also creates awkwardness when you DO see your flatmates. That said, it sounds like you're relying on your flatmate to provide you with entertainment. The bit about them not asking you to the cinema jumped out at me. When I lived with my boyfriend and another girl, she used to complain that we went to the cinema without asking her. Why on earth would we invite her on what's essentially a date? I want to go and snuggle with my boyfriend, not make small talk with a third party who's basically invited themselves along because they're not capable of making their own plans. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. It's also none of your business how he treats her and you really have no right to expect them to include you in their plans. Yes, it would be nice if they did, but clearly he has his own issues. You are being a bit self-centered here, I think. You get along with the girl well during the week, which is great. She's busy with her boyfriend at the weekend, so go and do your own thing as well.

irishguy1983

Shelga wrote: »

Let me start by saying I know some people will say I am lucky to have this dynamic in my house share and usually the problem is the other way around, but it is something that gets me down sometimes and I was hoping for some advice.

I'm a 26 year old girl and have been flat-sharing with another Irish girl for the last year. She is great and we get along really well, I consider her a good friend now. The problem is her boyfriend is over nearly every weekend, and the issue is not that they hog the living area, but the other way round- they go into her room from Friday evening and stay there until Sunday evening, both of them ignoring me. He is extremely anti-social and I think suffers from anxiety/depression, and won't do anything out of his comfort zone. In the last 12 months I have said hello to him twice, both times he was forced to speak to me and looked extremely uncomfortable. If I'm in the living area she'll come out, scurry round making food or whatever, and bring it back to him in her room. He just will not leave that room for 2 days straight and they never speak to another human being!

I just find it so odd and such a negative energy, it's started to make me want to move. I had a really bad breakup a few months ago, and was at a loose end for the first few weekends, feeling intensely lonely. Would have meant a lot to me just to have them ask me along to the cinema or something, but of course he wouldn't. He also treats her like crap, taking his own depression issues out on her in a really passive-aggressive way, but still she puts him first all the time. I now try to organise stuff to fill the weekends and am gone a lot of the time, but when I am there it feels quite draining. More lonely than if I was just here by myself! I also think the dynamic in a 2 person houseshare makes it much more noticeable than if I lived with say 4 others.

I really just want to know if anyone else has experienced this and how did you deal with it? I am hoping to leave this city shortly anyway so it will no longer be an issue, but should I say anything to her in the meantime? I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be on friendly terms with person who is in your home every weekend, but I've accepted this will never happen. It's just that she and I get along so well when he's not there! Help please

Them playing the avoiding game can be quite as tense/powerful as being confrontational/loud. The power of silence can be immense and often worse that someone shouting at you.

Rubberchikken

Your flamate sounds like she's a bit too into a guy who cant be bothered to just behave like a human.
I mean what does it cost to make some small talk with others.
I think you're right to be moving and maybe some day that girl will realise that her boyfriend is no catch.

newdriverlad

Have you any friends to meet up at during the weekend?
She might see her weekend time as boyfriend. Most young couple's I know don't really bring their flatmate along to the cinema.
Perhaps you should make contact with other friends at the weekend if you want to do stuff at the weekends.

Zed Bank

Get over yourself. Not everyone wants to be buzzing buddies with you. How is this hindering you in anyway?

Addle

Shelga wrote: »

Would have meant a lot to me just to have them ask me along to the cinema or something, but of course he wouldn't.

Have you ever asked them to join you OP?
You can't hold something someone may not be aware of against them. That's unreasonable.

Maybe they think they're being sensitive to you by not being in your face.

Talk to your flatmate.

stampydmonkey

It could also be that as they don't live together they want to see each other as much as possible at the weekends. I know it doesn't excuse his behaviour but maybe they want a bit of alone time in the house without other housemates around. If your there every weekend it can be very frustrating if they want to relax in the living room without one of the housemates around. Of course you are well within your rights to stay around all the time but could be part of where his attitude is coming from.

Merkin

Maybe they feel like you're monopolising common areas at the weekend? Maybe they'd like to watch a DVD together or cook a meal together but because you're there they may feel that they have no choice but to stay holed up in her room.

I also don't think you should not rely or expect a housemate to keep you company. Great if you get on well but you're both just sharing tenants at the end of the day so she doesn't really owe you anything.

I'd have a word with her and ask her if she'd like to use the communal areas when her boyfriend is there as you wouldn't mind. If I was in your situation I'd personally be delighted, what they are doing is far preferable to them taking over the living room from Friday to Monday and you feeling like you've to tip tie around the place.

Stavro Mueller

Merkin wrote: »

...
I'd have a word with her and ask her if she'd like to use the communal areas when her boyfriend is there as you wouldn't mind. If I was in your situation I'd personally be delighted, what they are doing is far preferable to them taking over the living room from Friday to Monday and you feeling like you've to tip tie around the place.

Got to agree with this bit especially. Couples in houseshares are often a recipe for disaster. All you have to do is go back through this forum and you'll find all sorts of problems. Loved up couples hogging the sitting room and kitchen. The new boyfriend/girlfriend staying over too many nights. The boyfriend/girlfriend nearly living in the house but not paying for the shower, electricity etc. that they're using. The list goes on.

Shelga

Thanks for the advice so far. Just to be clear, I in no way expect my housemate to provide me with a social life. As I said, I am away/busy a lot of the weekend. I also understand the importance of their time alone together, having recently come out of a relationship myself. When I mentioned about my breakup, I wasn't expecting them to entertain me, all I meant was my sad mood was exacerbated by being in a flat with two people who didn't talk to me.

All I want is for normal small talk, as one poster said, to take place now and then. The degree to which they avoid me makes me uncomfortable. And I have made it abundantly clear to her that I would be more than happy for them to use the living room; she has basically admitted it's only due to his extremely withdrawn personality that they don't.

newdriverlad

Maybe they are happy doing there own thing. The couple might be happy sitting in the room doing heir own thing. I don't really see what the problem is. Not everyone is into small talk.

MagicMarker

Shelga wrote: »

All I want is for normal small talk, as one poster said, to take place now and then. The degree to which they avoid me makes me uncomfortable. And I have made it abundantly clear to her that I would be more than happy for them to use the living room; she has basically admitted it's only due to his extremely withdrawn personality that they don't.

So basically the guy has some serious social anxiety issues, but your upset because you don't get any small talk? Have you taken a second to think of it from his point of view?

Tbh, I think this is a ridiculous issue to get upset about. As already mentioned most people would be delighted that they don't hog the living areas. What they do with their time is completely up to them. I don't understand why you're taking this so personally, it's clearly got nothing to do with you.

midnight_train

I dunno. It's not nice to be in your own house and feel that the two other people there are actively avoiding you, and going out of their way not to talk to you.

You might bring it up casually, but it doesn't sound like they will change their behaviour, TBH.

Frank Lee Midere

If he's withdrawn then that's the reason.

I personally find that odd too. When I lived in England I lived with a lovely guy, still a friend, who joined me on nights out with his or my mates when his gf wasn't around. Generally that was during the week or occasional weekends. On other weekends she was over and they disappeared into his room and that was it. Eeery silences. Whispers. Etc. He scurried around too, barely saying hello. (she seemed possessive if he talked to others too long). She said nothing.

Like most guys I don't interfere in relationships although I thought, and think, she was an oddball. Anyway they've broken up.

It's is odd. Antisocial roommates are a bit off putting. But you get used to it. Ghosts who appear sometimes. I just treated the house as largely empty. Invited people over. Cooked meals. Threw on DVDS. I would have preferred there was no one or someone social in the house, but it's hardly the worst thing ever.

Frank Lee Midere

MagicMarker wrote: »

So basically the guy has some serious social anxiety issues, but your upset because you don't get any small talk? Have you taken a second to think of it from his point of view?

Tbh, I think this is a ridiculous issue to get upset about. As already mentioned most people would be delighted that they don't hog the living areas. What they do with their time is completely up to them. I don't understand why you're taking this so personally, it's clearly got nothing to do with you.

She is over thinking it. But house shares are never comfortable if anybody just disappears to their room.

LegacyUser

OP I can understand why you'd feel uncomfortable when there are 3 people in a house and you don't get an interaction from them over multiple days - couple of hours is one thing but days I would find slightly annoying BUT I can't see anything you can really do about it , if the BF has anxiety issues then he has anxiety issues and unless he wantx to try and work on them which it doesn't look like he does your just going to have to accept the status que

Lux23

What is your housemate like during the week when it is just the two of you.

I live with my boyfriend and a friend and although my boyfriend is friendly he can be odd and shy at times so he will go hang out in his room. But I would spend most of the time in the common areas with my friend as we watch a lot of similar TV shows. That's why I'm wondering how the relationship is when the boyfriend isn't around.

CaraMay

Lux23 wrote: »

What is your housemate like during the week when it is just the two of you.

I live with my boyfriend and a friend and although my boyfriend is friendly he can be odd and shy at times so he will go hang out in his room. But I would spend most of the time in the common areas with my friend as we watch a lot of similar TV shows. That's why I'm wondering how the relationship is when the boyfriend isn't around.

She said they are friends.

Her boyfriend isn't a paying tenant though, he is a visitor and shouldn't be do obnoxious when he is on someone else's turf.

Toots

OP I can understand why this is bothering you - you're basically being avoided every weekend. Honestly, if the BF has anxiety issues, you've no idea what the extent of them are. He may be massively uncomfortable interacting with someone he doesn't know, which would be why he never talks to you.

You mention that he doesn't treat her very well, is this something that you've picked up from observing them/overhearing conversations through the wall, or has she spoken to you about it? If it's something you've observed then you might not be getting the full picture - he might be the sweetest person to her, but every couple row. Only they know the real dynamic of their relationship.

I think you might be being a tad unrealistic saying you'd like to go to the cinema etc together. I'd hate if a friend asked me to come along and essentially play gooseberry with them and their bf/gf, I can't imagine anything more awkward. That being said, I do think it's a bit mean of your housemate to not say anything to you for the entire weekend - it wouldn't be a huge amount of effort for her to make small talk while she was cooking the dinner, however she's not under any obligation to do so.

Regardless of all this, I don't see that there's an awful lot you can do about the situation. If you attempt to 'call her out' on it, you'd risk creating a bad environment in the house. You're in the fortunate position to have a housemate that you get on well with so I really don't think it'd be a good idea to rock the boat and create a situation where it's not just the weekends that are awkward.

MagicMarker

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

She is over thinking it. But house shares are never comfortable if anybody just disappears to their room.

I disappear into my room all the time, I spend more time in my room than anywhere else. I have a flatmate who is the same, and the flatmate before them was the same also. I only really use the living areas to cook, if there's something I want to watch on tv (usually just sport), or if I have the house to myself. I just happen to like being on my own.

I can't see why anyone should have a problem with this. If there was animosity in the house and people were ignoring others and acting all passive aggressive then I could understand why it would be uncomfortable. But that's that not the case here. The OP is just choosing to make out an issue out of something that doesn't really concern her at all.

CaraMay

It is a huge issue when you consider he has been staying in her accommodation at weekend for the past year (roughly 2/3 days per week x 52 weeks) which is over 100 days per annum and he has only spoken to her twice.

He could be as obnoxious as he wanted if he were paying for the privilege but he isn't.

Op he is sponging off you for over 3 months per year yet won't talk to you. Talk to your friend and move out,

Chattastrophe!

Even when living with close friends, I would always have made a point of staying out of common areas when a boyfriend was over (and also I was always very careful not to have him over too often, and would usually let the flatmate know in advance.)

I'd expect the same in return from other housemates too. Nothing worse than coming home from a long day of work, looking forward to chilling out and getting comfy on the couch in your PJs, but instead you find that your housemate has their boyfriend/girlfriend over and suddenly you've to make polite chitchat and either sit there as a big awkward third wheel or else retreat to your bedroom for the evening.

It's such a common reason for housemates to fall out. I think most people live in houseshares as a result of financial necessity rather than by choice. But it can actually be quite a nice way to live if you have mutual respect and compromise.

Your housemate probably feels she's doing the best thing by you, by letting you have the run of the house and keeping to her bedroom when her boyfriend is around. She sounds brilliant!

She has no responsibility to entertain you, and I think you should drop any bad feelings you have about this. Couples need some alone time. If you want to go to the cinema with her, ask her to go with you on a night she's free - not when her boyfriend is around. And find your own friends/entertainment for the weekends!

irishguy1983

MagicMarker wrote: »

I disappear into my room all the time, I spend more time in my room than anywhere else. I have a flatmate who is the same, and the flatmate before them was the same also. I only really use the living areas to cook, if there's something I want to watch on tv (usually just sport), or if I have the house to myself. I just happen to like being on my own.

I can't see why anyone should have a problem with this. If there was animosity in the house and people were ignoring others and acting all passive aggressive then I could understand why it would be uncomfortable. But that's that not the case here. The OP is just choosing to make out an issue out of something that doesn't really concern her at all.

I think your missing the point here. You choose to chill you in your own space which if fair enough.

The OP has people actively avoiding her - they are more choosing to avoid her rather than be in their own room. The OP can feel it that 2 people are avoiding her.

Not much the OP can do about it but I understand her.

Shelga

OP again. Ok, I should not have mentioned the cinema! It was one weekend out of the last year when I was a bit vulnerable, and she knew I was feeling extremely down. To not be spoken to when you've just been dumped is, in my mind, thoughtless. In general I do not expect to socialise with them in any way from Friday to Sunday. I have a bit of cop on for god's sake! I already said I am absent from the place for large chunks of the weekend.

All I want is for the pair of them to acknowledge the fact that there is another human being in the flat. As someone else said, he is using my utilities in terms of gas, heating, hot water etc. He also seems to use the shared bathroom a lot and leaves the toilet seat up. To then not even call in goodbye to me when he is heading off back home and I am sitting in the living room with the door open is just rude. I understand he has social anxiety but does nothing to help himself.

I know he takes his depressive moods out on her because she has spoken to me in depth about it. Obviously some posters think I am being unreasonable and unrealistic in hoping for basic social manners to take place. I completely get that some people are introverted and prefer to keep to themselves, but these people also have to acknowledge the realities and basic courtesy required when living in a house share.

Merkin

I don't know Shelga, but if I were in your shoes, I don't really see the problem.

It would be one thing if he was up in your face in the communal areas and resolutely ignoring you. That would be a different matter altogether and one which would understandably cause discomfort and annoyance. Or if you knew him relatively well and he was behaving like this.

But the fact of the matter is that he stays well out of your way and that you don't actually know him. You don't see him from Friday to Sunday really and in house-sharing terms that's an absolute blessing. Truly. There is nothing worse than having some hanger on in a houseshare taking over the place. I think we've all been there.

This guy is staying well out of your way and him not saying goodbye I would attribute to him either a. having social anxiety or b. being a bit odd. No biggie. On the grand scheme of things, does it really matter that he doesn't come in to shoot the breeze with you? You don't actually know the guy so it shouldn't really be an issue tbh.

LegacyUser

I know exactly where you are coming from.

It's a fine balance even when living with one other person. Politeness is a must.

You benefit from them being off in her room but then the negative is that they don't seem to interact at all.

I've lived with many people and apart from the really annoying ones, the ones I found the worst were those who didn't talk at all. It just felt so awkward. A few pleasantries and then they'd skip off to their room. I was happy to have the living room to myself but I rather share with people with people who I get on with.

It just sounds like an awkward situation to be in.

When ever I've been in someone else's flat or house as a boyfriend, I try to be as polite and nice as possible to housemates.

Stench Blossoms

I think you're coming across as a bit jealous.

Potatoeman

Before your breakup was this an issue, how often was your bf over?
It sounds like you want a bit of company at the weekend when your flatmate disappears into her room. Why not have friends over?

Shelga

Maybe I am over-sensitive. Long-term I think I will look to move into a more sociable house share as I've started to realise that's what I want now I'm single again.

I still think he's rude (get your own place together if you hate human contact so much), and I would like to reiterate again that I do not need them to 'socialise' with me at all, but I need to not let it bother me so much. Wouldn't be as much of an issue in a larger house share. People are just different. Thanks for the advice.

LegacyUser

Shelga wrote: »

OP again. Ok, I should not have mentioned the cinema! It was one weekend out of the last year when I was a bit vulnerable, and she knew I was feeling extremely down. To not be spoken to when you've just been dumped is, in my mind, thoughtless. In general I do not expect to socialise with them in any way from Friday to Sunday. I have a bit of cop on for god's sake! I already said I am absent from the place for large chunks of the weekend.

All I want is for the pair of them to acknowledge the fact that there is another human being in the flat. As someone else said, he is using my utilities in terms of gas, heating, hot water etc. He also seems to use the shared bathroom a lot and leaves the toilet seat up. To then not even call in goodbye to me when he is heading off back home and I am sitting in the living room with the door open is just rude. I understand he has social anxiety but does nothing to help himself.

I know he takes his depressive moods out on her because she has spoken to me in depth about it. Obviously some posters think I am being unreasonable and unrealistic in hoping for basic social manners to take place. I completely get that some people are introverted and prefer to keep to themselves, but these people also have to acknowledge the realities and basic courtesy required when living in a house share.

I don't see how it is heartless. I think you come across as expecting too much from other people. I came out of a five-year relationship a few months ago and I didn't expect anyone to take that into consideration when talking to me, let alone housemates! My parents were a bit nicer/less harsh than usual and concerned for me, but everyone else treated me as they always did, and I wouldn't have expected anything else.

Yes, it is off to not say goodbye to you, but as you yourself have said, the fella has social anxiety. It's a debilitating condition and you taking it personally and calling him rude is exactly what social anxiety sufferers dread. It's not about you. He has his issues. If he can't bring himself to talk to you then that's the way he is and I don't see why you are so upset about it. I'm sure it's much worse for him than it is for you!

Barely There

Shelga wrote: »

He also seems to use the shared bathroom a lot and leaves the toilet seat up.

The Monster!

shalalala

Barely There wrote: »

The Monster!

It is HER home, she shares with a woman who wouldn't leave the toilet seat up. She has a right to be annoyed by this.

This housemate seems really self-absorbed and he seems really rude. I think you are better off out of there. Not being friends is okay but being nice and pleasant to the person you live with and to the woman that you are a guest in her home is just polite.

OP you should speak to her. And I would say that looking for a new place would be good.

nyarlothothep

I lived in accommodation where no one talked to each other or exchanged pleasantries. At first I was offended but then realised hey, it worked, it was like living in a hotel or a studio apartment. There was no politics, no forced small talk, it seemed to be a collective, unspoken admission of 'none of us have anything in common with each other, why pretend otherwise?.' As a result living there was minimum stress. I'm not saying that should be the ideal living situation but I wouldn't get too offended, some people are sociable, others are not, live and let live I guess. It would be 1,000,000 x infinity worse if they were taking over the house or bringing people over all the time, this is one of many nightmare situations so I wouldn't get too upset about it.

liz lemoncello

avavuolou wrote: »

It just sounds like an awkward situation to be in.
.

I think it sounds almost oppressive. It would be a difficult situation to have a room-mate with social anxiety issues, but then, as a room-mate, she/he would be paying rent, and it would be her/his home too. This is the room-mate's friend, he is a guest and his anxiety is creating a negative atmosphere in the OP's home.

I realize that a lot of people might not be bothered by this, or even see it as a bonus, "Yay! kitchen to myself!", but the OP does not. That is her right.

beks101

I've actually lived with people like you before OP and I found it draining.

I like to have a friendly, harmonious atmosphere in my home but ultimately the people I live with are just housemates, tenants who pay rent like me, and I owe them nothing to that end other than maintaining a tidy space and keeping on civil, respectful terms with them.

In the past I've lived with people who took personal offence to the fact that I'd come home after a busy, stressful 14 hour shift and go straight to my room, or that I'd spend little time in the house because I preferred to socialize with friends or go to the gym etc etc...and it was incredibly exasperating to have this added layer of expectation from a housemate that we needed to be best mates and I needed to consider them in my plans or put their needs before my own after a long work day.

Why should I? If I feel the need to retreat to my room because I've been surrounded by nothing but noise all day, or it's the only private time I'll have to spend with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in a week, then that's my prerogative and no-one else's business.

In your own situation, it seems you get on well with your flatmate, which is lovely and always a bonus, but ultimately she's got her own life which she has perfect right to prioritize, particularly as her boyfriend seems to be struggling with some serious issues and that doesn't exactly sound like a picnic for her to be dealing with.

Perhaps instead of guilt-tripping her and adding pressure to her already stressful situation, you could give them space and find another social outlet to busy yourself with, as Merkin said, offer the common area to them whenever they want it as it may well be the case that they don't feel comfortable 'taking over' with another housemate about, and be there for your housemate whenever she needs to talk.

But it's unfair and unreasonable for you to expect your housemate to field some responsibility for your own boredom / loneliness when she's got bigger priorities and her own life to deal with. Personally I'd find your situation a real treat - the kitchen/living room to myself on weekends - glorious! But each to their own.

CaraMay

Beks is right but it's not right that he is spending a third of each week in her house and won't even say hello. That's out of order and not acceptable.

Frank Lee Midere

So I presume most people who don't associate with house mates would prefer to live on their own but are financially constrained.

When I house shared it was, to begin with, with friends and later - when I immigrated - with people who became friends.

It's odd to just hit a bedroom when you can access a house. To scurry around a kitchen when you could share cooking duties or food, or conversation. To leave the living room empty.

Each to their own but that's not as common, or as appreciated, as the people who think it normal suggest.

Maguined

CaraMay wrote: »

Beks is right but it's not right that he is spending a third of each week in her house and won't even say hello. That's out of order and not acceptable.

It has been said he has a serious medical issue, do you not take this into consideration at all?

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

So I presume most people who don't associate with house mates would prefer to live on their own but are financially constrained.

When I house shared it was, to begin with, with friends and later - when I immigrated - with people who became friends.

It's odd to just hit a bedroom when you can access a house. To scurry around a kitchen when you could share cooking duties or food, or conversation. To leave the living room empty.

Each to their own but that's not as common, or as appreciated, as the people who think it normal suggest.

You say each to their own but what you are actually saying is that if people don't conform to your standards of interaction you will judge them as odd and lack appreciation? Maybe the people do not appreciate being obliged to provide you with entertainment?

Chattastrophe!

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

It's odd to just hit a bedroom when you can access a house. To scurry around a kitchen when you could share cooking duties or food, or conversation. To leave the living room empty.

Each to their own but that's not as common, or as appreciated, as the people who think it normal suggest.

Oh no. No no no.

I have lived in several houseshares over the years.

Maybe there are houseshares where you share cooking "duties", but I would think that this is waaaay against the norm. What if you fancy a takeaway that night? Cooking "duties" are a pain in the ass, but a necessity now that I have a partner and a son. Not a chance in hell would I have ever considered signing up to such a thing in a houseshare situation!

And so what if the living room is left empty sometimes? Sometimes people just need their own space. It's no big deal.

Merkin

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

So I presume most people who don't associate with house mates would prefer to live on their own but are financially constrained.

When I house shared it was, to begin with, with friends and later - when I immigrated - with people who became friends.

It's odd to just hit a bedroom when you can access a house. To scurry around a kitchen when you could share cooking duties or food, or conversation. To leave the living room empty.

Each to their own but that's not as common, or as appreciated, as the people who think it normal suggest.

I'd say it's half and half. But you're obviously one of those people who are viewing housemates as people who will satisfy your needs to socialize. As is the OP. You're talking about sharing cooking duties etc......eh, no thanks. I wasn't married to my housemates.

When I lived in house shares I hated people who tried to get too close or socialize with me. There was one place where this mad girl used to practically wait in the hallway until I got home from work and used to text me in my room :eek: I've a wide circle of friends and I was quite happy to view people I shared with as people who I got on well with but kept at a distance. Then home was my sanctuary to chill out and have some peace and quiet without having to put on my jesters outfit and entertain the housemates while I'm at it.

I shared with plenty who tried to overstep the mark and just wanted me to entertain them and I think that's a very unfair dynamic to impose on someone you are fundamentally in a financial arrangement with. That's why, for most people who have a busy social life outside of the confines of their home, view having the living room or kitchen to themselves for an extended period of time as blissful!

I've turned down house shares because of people like you where they all do stuff together from cooking to going to the pub to appointment television. Thanks but no thanks.

Shelga

Where are people getting this 'obliged to provide me with entertainment' stuff. I have NO EXPECTATION that she or he will 'entertain' me. Why would I want to hang around with a silent oddball and his girlfriend? And I have not seen medical papers diagnosing him with anxiety, that is my guess as I don't want to believe that people can simply be so rude. But he could just be an a***ole. I have passed them in the local street a couple of times on a typical Saturday afternoon and she will stop and say hello whereas he ignores me completely and looks like he's dying to get away. That's what I have a problem with.

Why do posters tell people who come on here with their problems (and this is a fairly minor issue in the grand scheme of things) that how they're feeling is wrong/ridiculous/selfish? Doesn't make for a very welcoming personal issues forum IMO.

beks101

Shelga wrote: »

Where are people getting this 'obliged to provide me with entertainment' stuff. I have NO EXPECTATION that she or he will 'entertain' me. Why would I want to hang around with a silent oddball and his girlfriend? And I have not seen medical papers diagnosing him with anxiety, that is my guess as I don't want to believe that people can simply be so rude. But he could just be an a***ole. I have passed them in the local street a couple of times on a typical Saturday afternoon and she will stop and say hello whereas he ignores me completely and looks like he's dying to get away. That's what I have a problem with.

Why do posters tell people who come on here with their problems (and this is a fairly minor issue in the grand scheme of things) that how they're feeling is wrong/ridiculous/selfish? Doesn't make for a very welcoming personal issues forum IMO.

You said he suffered from social anxiety/depression, so people took you at your word.

Even if he doesn't have these issues, he's clearly not your kind of person, so I don't see why you wouldn't be happy that he sticks to the bedroom and doesn't inflict his "misery" on the rest of the house. If your posts are to be believed, you've only come face to face with him a handful times in all the time you've been there. If someone I wasn't particularly fond of was inhabiting my home for a few nights a week, I'd be grand as long as I didn't have to deal with them, which you don't. So what's the problem?

The problem appears to be that your housemate doesn't have time or desire to hang out with you on weekends, which shows that you evidently view the house as a social outlet - something which I'm sure isn't written into your lease or the house rules. As great and all as it is that you seem to get on well with her, you are still, as others mentioned, in a financial bind with her first and foremost, and anything else that emerges is dependent on your personalities. Hers doesn't seem to be one which seeks the same social outlet in your house share, so unfortunately it seems your only options are to either accept that and get on with it, or move out.

Did you want posters to tell you that yes he is an absolute aRsehole, and them spending their time in the house as they currently do is wrong and antisocial and unacceptable? How exactly would you benefit from people validating your feelings like that? You'd likely grow in bitterness and resentment towards them if that was the case, which is not exactly going to help your situation.

I think the advice you've gotten so far is very constructive, as a lot of it comes from people who choose/have chosen to live in a houseshare as your flatmate does - and is their right to do so.

Chattastrophe!

Shelga wrote: »

Where are people getting this 'obliged to provide me with entertainment' stuff. I have NO EXPECTATION that she or he will 'entertain' me. Why would I want to hang around with a silent oddball and his girlfriend? And I have not seen medical papers diagnosing him with anxiety, that is my guess as I don't want to believe that people can simply be so rude. But he could just be an a***ole. I have passed them in the local street a couple of times on a typical Saturday afternoon and she will stop and say hello whereas he ignores me completely and looks like he's dying to get away. That's what I have a problem with.

Why do posters tell people who come on here with their problems (and this is a fairly minor issue in the grand scheme of things) that how they're feeling is wrong/ridiculous/selfish? Doesn't make for a very welcoming personal issues forum IMO.

The problem is that you're having a problem with someone else's boyfriend.

He's not your boyfriend. Why do you have a problem with him?

He does not interfere in your life in any way. Why do you have a problem with this?

If you want a housemate whose boyfriend is an active part of your life, maybe move out? Otherwise just accept that he's not a part of your life and doesn't want to be, and leave it at that.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

I have a friend that houseshares, she's a bit of a man hunter and seems to start a r/ship with any new dude that moves into the house she's in. They're usually not Irish either so they wouldnt have the same sense of humour as myself and her.

None of them like me! I come over and visit her every week and she's got a new fella AGAIN in the house and he just does not like me. He thinks I'm mental and openly insults me to my face, but I'm quite thick skinned and I know she'll drop this dude like a hot snot soon anyway so I just wind him up and laugh my ass off at him

Point is: you cannot make people like you or speak to you. I cannot for the life of me understand why you're so hung up about this dude? So what if he doesnt want to speak to you? He may be doing you a favour! I think you should just forget about him and let him stew in his own silence if he wants! You've no idea what goes on in his head, so best bet is to do your own thing and be happy!

Shelga

Beks, I take your point. I know people disagree with posters a lot on this board and I am ok with that. I agree that overall I need to do is get over it or move out. What I don't like is being told how I feel is ridiculous (not your post), and people projecting their own experiences of needy housemates on to me, as if I sit expectantly outside their room every Saturday, dying to be asked along to the cinema. I mentioned ONE occasion in a year where I could have used a kind word on a weekend, not being blanked as usual. And yes it does impact my feelings when someone ignores me on the street to my face. If that makes me over sensitive and needy, I guess that's what I am.

I am going through some personal stuff at the moment but to combat this I am usually gone from the flat a good 70% of the weekend. I think I will look to move long term as the area is not for me anyway. I just really don't see what's unreasonable in anything I've said. You said you are civil and polite to housemates; that's all I expect, and would appreciate the same from any guests they have.

irishguy1983

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

The problem is that you're having a problem with someone else's boyfriend.

He's not your boyfriend. Why do you have a problem with him?

He does not interfere in your life in any way. Why do you have a problem with this?

If you want a housemate whose boyfriend is an active part of your life, maybe move out? Otherwise just accept that he's not a part of your life and doesn't want to be, and leave it at that.

Because he is entering another person's house and behaving like an ignorant arsehole.

Tell him to take his moods elsewhere.

I was brought up to believe that when I enter another person's house I address every one in the house, be polite and acknowledge that I am guest. Obviously another people around here were brought up different.

irishguy1983

irishguy1983 wrote: »

Because he is entering another person's house and behaving like an ignorant arsehole.

Tell him to take his moods elsewhere.

I was brought up to believe that when I enter another person's house I address every one in the house, be polite and acknowledge that I am guest. Obviously another people around here were brought up different.

While I completely agree,

I have passed them in the local street a couple of times on a typical Saturday afternoon and she will stop and say hello whereas he ignores me completely and looks like he's dying to get away. That's what I have a problem with.

"the local street" isn't her house

irishguy1983

bluewolf wrote: »

While I completely agree,



"the local street" isn't her house

I never said it was.

On that point though I wouldn't ignore someone on the street and then have the cheek to enter their gaff later. Bad manners - simple as that.