Really need life advice!

LegacyUser

Where to start with, I almost feel like I'm sitting down to start writing a book but I'll try keep it as to the point as I can. I've been with my other half for 8 years and were both mid twenties with a 2 year old and living together. Our relationship was heading down hill before we had our baby and to be honest I think we were on the brink of seperating but when she fell pregnant we decided to give it a go and for a while thing's were going ok but that's all changed again.

My OH is a good person , a good mother , kind caring but very closed off both to myself and other people. She can be demanding,controlling and I feel like I have no control over my own life when I am with her , no control over my home , my son anything. It's impossible to argue with her or disagree with her black is white and white is black so I gave up a long time ago and kind of sunk into myself, I now just sit there and take it and take out my frustrations in other ways. I have a lot of friends but very little family for various reasons as any support.

We have the usual problems with a first baby but I really do feel like we are friends living together and raising a child, I almost feel more like her father at times than a boyfriend. We don't really go out , our interests are total oppisites these days , we don't kiss , hug and very rarely have sex and when we do I don't really enjoy it anymore. I think she feels the same as me about it but is also scared of ending it we've been together so long single is alien, single with a baby is unknown.

The past few weeks I've been very restless , can't work properly , can't sleep. Starting over is one thing but I know that if I do end it she will take it very personally and use my son against me in anyway she can. She's threatend this a few times before, the thought of not seeing him kills me so much that I've considered just putting up with this until he's older but she wants marriage/more kids the whole lot...I don't think I want marriage right now, I'm not even sure further down the line and I don't want anymore kids for a number of years. I love my son to death but I'm just not ready for more especially with my doubts.

On top of this I worry where she will live if we break up , how she will cope financially if she shuts me out completely , where he will live, what area? What kind of people will be around him in the future , how I'll get access to see him. As I said having a conversation reasonably about these thing's with her is very difficult, she often doesn't think in the real world and is very immature and irrational I'd like to do it because it's best for both of us and I want her to be happy, I want to help her get set up somehere for the sake of my son but I know it will be a total blowout and she'll turn anyone she can on me, I also worry what my parents will think etc if they don't get to see my son, they love him to bits but I don't think I can do this much longer despite the fear of what may come I can't see myself holding out for another 10 years and possibly getting into a deeper dilemma it's almost as if we are leading seperate lifes now but raising the baby together we have no interest in the other persons hobbies etc..

AnonMouse

Hi OP,

Sorry to hear of your issues. It sounds like you have reached your tipping point, in many aspects of your life. It might be an idea to speak to a counsellor, or at least mention your issues to your GP. Your situation is not healthy, for any of the three of you, and for all your sakes, it needs to improve. You mentioned that you cannot speak to your girlfriend, without her exploding - perhaps if ye went for couples counselling, it'd be an opportunity to open some dialogue about the issues, and the presence of the counsellor may help your girlfriend realise the gravity of the situation and the toll it's taking on your mental well being.

I wish you well

Merkin

Can you afford a solicitor? I think you need to familiarize yourself with paternal rights, maintenance agreements and all that goes with a separation if this is the road to go down. Fathers have rights too and it's important to arm yourself with all you need to know before you initiate any kind of proceedings.

How this girl can even think about discussing marriage and wanting more children (I'd be using condoms for sex from hereon in) when your relationship is evidently in such deep trouble is worrying. Do you think she got pregnant intentionally when she saw that the writing was on the wall do you think?

Finally, do you love her? If the issues re control and intimacy could be sorted, do you want to make it work or do you feel it is well and truly over? If it's the former then I'd encourage counselling asap. If not, invoke the help of a solicitor and get their advice.

December2012

You could try relationship counselling as a way to bring up some of the issues your relationship faces.