in a rut

kilashee11

I honestly don't no what to do am with my partner nine years and we have two young kids. we have always had a turbulent relationship to say the least but its got worse in the last year. in the last four months we have no relationship we don't kiss and its like strangers living in the same house. it started with him four months ago going very distant and I reacted towards it and told him to stay away for a night . he took this as I was kicking him out but all I wanted was a nights peace I admit I was wrong to do that but its very frustrating being around someone who doesn't want to communicate. I knew he had somewhere to go so that wasn't the issue fast forward now four months later and there has been more fights and walking out and nights spent on my own then I could count on two hands. including two weeks where he walked out completely. I try to tell him what the issues are that lked to me saying it in the first place and he wont listen. he just doesn't want to talk and when I talk he wont listen and it ends up in him shouting and usually me upset. I honestly don't no what to do on one hand he says he wants it to work and I truly really do but I don't no how it can work if the issues are just brushed aside which is what he is asking me to do. he says he wants things to go bac to normal but I don't no how they ever will

Starokan

They will only go back to normal if he is willing to communicate, you could try couples counselling, if he will not do that or will not engage in dialogue with you then I think you have to consider walking away from the relationship as life is simply to short to spend years arguing with someone

Bafucin

kilashee11 wrote: »

I honestly don't no what to do am with my partner nine years and we have two young kids. we have always had a turbulent relationship to say the least but its got worse in the last year. in the last four months we have no relationship we don't kiss and its like strangers living in the same house. it started with him four months ago going very distant and I reacted towards it and told him to stay away for a night . he took this as I was kicking him out but all I wanted was a nights peace I admit I was wrong to do that but its very frustrating being around someone who doesn't want to communicate. I knew he had somewhere to go so that wasn't the issue fast forward now four months later and there has been more fights and walking out and nights spent on my own then I could count on two hands. including two weeks where he walked out completely. I try to tell him what the issues are that lked to me saying it in the first place and he wont listen. he just doesn't want to talk and when I talk he wont listen and it ends up in him shouting and usually me upset. I honestly don't no what to do on one hand he says he wants it to work and I truly really do but I don't no how it can work if the issues are just brushed aside which is what he is asking me to do. he says he wants things to go bac to normal but I don't no how they ever will

Your both at fault accept this and seek a neutral space and a mediator.

kilashee11

I no we are both at fault I have asked him to come to a counseller and we can see where we are both going wrong. I have also suggested mediation and he wont come either. he thinks that this will be solved if we both allow things to go bac to normal but how do u do this in this situation or am I being wrong trying to get him to go. I am at my wits end I admit I start a lot of arguments but its like I reach boiling point with him and I have nowhere to turn . hes not admitting to anything and tells me I have to change my way of dealing with things. to me growing up my parents always talked through things and solved them that way. and I believe that's how u do things whaen we went to the councilling previously we were told to do this what is the right thing to ignoire or confront the issue

stickybookmark

kilashee11 wrote: »

I admit I start a lot of arguments but its like I reach boiling point with him and I have nowhere to turn . hes not admitting to anything and tells me I have to change my way of dealing with things

Why do you reach boiling point with him kilashee? What is he does that makes you so angry and makes you start arguments?

And in addition - do you still love him?

kilashee11

yeah I do still love him honestly do hes a good man at the bac of it all. what makes me reach boiling point is that he says he wants things to go bac to normal but wont give normality bac. for example the other night we had a nice day and a nice evening and to me it looked like I was getting somewhere with him as pathetic as it makes me sound he got into bed next to me and I turned my head to kiss him a pretty normal thing I would have thought and he turned himself over in the bed to ignore me its frustrating to say the least. i9 still love this man with all my heart and cant understand how he can be this cold

stickybookmark

No I more meant before you kicked him out of the house the first time. Before that what were the things about him that made you start arguments and get angry with him? Or did he just start becoming distant with no prior warning or no lead-up?

kilashee11

ye things were really good between us in the time previous our sex life was bac on track and I had supported him through a pretty bad patch there was no warning just a week of not talking going to bed late. not coming home. to me he seemed depressed tried to approach this with him which he ignored and argued at me. in the end the morning we had a stupid little argument asnd I asked him not to come home tonight and calm down which has now led to this. to be honest there is trust issues there because he used escorts behind my back previously but I was trusting of him and never questioines what he was doing there is a part of me when he goes like this that wonders does he cheat and maybe that's why I react and he does nothing to help by not answering questions or being honest. I honestly don't no as I write it does look like im being a fool

stickybookmark

So during that week was there a part of you that thought he might be using escorts or cheating on you again? If so then I dont' blame you for your reaction.

kilashee11

ye that thought did enter my head but then theres the part of me that says I cant hold onto the past. I told him it would time to get the trust bac and at the time he agreed to this he tells me that I cant go bac to it everytime but am I wrong in thinking that trust takes a whilr to come bac or am I wrong to not trust him yet., I don't no communication is a massive barrier to us and something we are both guilty of sometimes im afraid to say something because we both react wrongly. I have spoken to a councillor who asked me to say this stuff to him but he wont listen he wants me to c the councillor but not to approach the issues

stickybookmark

How long ago did it happen? How did you find out?

kilashee11

in November last year so really not that long ago. so its still fresh in my mind. but I probably shouldn't have agreed to take him bac if the trust was going to be an issue for me.

stickybookmark

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. That's an extremely big thing to forgive and move on from. Ye would definitely need couples counselling I'd say to get over something like that, it's not just going to go away.

kilashee11

he said he used them because he wanted to explore something that he didn't want to ask me to do. he said he never actually went just contacted but I don't no I just have to rust him that he didn't. I will never no the truth. he saiys that cos I chose to forgive him I should just get over it and let it go but I find it hard to and maybe he is right. I don't feel properly loved by him sometimes I feel he is only just with me he says I need to change myself but he wont change I don't no maybe this is just a place to rant my head is telling me he doesn't deserve me and were worth more trhan this but if you love someone how do u just walk away

dannyc31

OP its sounds to me that both of you are just stuck in a rut. when this happens everything can blow up into a massive issue because both partners are frustrated with the situation and cant figure out how to get out of the rut.

his lack of communication really doesnt help, but he is not unlike many men who cant discuss with their partners whats truly going on with them.

my take on it is that, the every day routine of work, bills bringing up the kids etc etc was making him feel very down and in need for some excitement i.e. the spark had burnt out. but instead of telling you this at the start due to his lack of communication skills, he just sulked and started acting distance like a rebellious teenager hoping that some how that would some how spring you into action to try spice things up. its a twisted logic but one that happens when men cant communicate. yes men think women are mind readers too :rolleyes:

the problem is, it has the reverse effect because all this sulking and distant behavior results, in your situation making you angry and frustrated resulting in you lashing out at him. this just then then re-enforces the idea in his head that you are not the type of partner that he can bring up what he's going through.

i would try to press him a little on the escort issue, even if he didnt use them the idea that he was researching into it suggests that he was'nt entirely happy with your sex life.

but as others have said if not couples counseling, i think you should suggest you could both do separate counseling

kilashee11

thanx for your reply. he is unwilling to do any sort of counselling he says he sees no need I myself am attending a councillor. there are a lot of issues surrounding the fact he went to escorts what hurt me most is he told me he as impotent throughout our relationionship so if you are impotent is escorts of any benefit I honestly don't no. it hurt me for that reason. I honestly don't no what to do about him I cant win another argument this evening and he is gone again this time I feel for good why is it I feel we haven't tried enough to save it

stickybookmark

Sorry I don't get it, he's impotent but ye have 2 young kids? Were they conceived by IVF?

kilashee11

he is impotent but has being using Viagra last few years so we were able to have a sex life my point about is how did it work if he was using escorts did he have to use it then so many stuff I don't understand about him