How do you cope with the pain of a break up?

MultiUmm

Yesterday I ended things with someone who I really really liked and I am gutted over it. Everything's happened so fast that I'm finding this hard to process and deal with. Three days ago things between us were fine and then on Sunday night after having a discussion with him I realised we were looking for completely different things. I eventually wanted a relationship and with that monogamy and he did not want that at all, even in the future. I decided that the best thing for both of us was to finish things, and I did yesterday.

Our time together wasn't huge but I feel like I'm completely torn up inside. I had such hopes that what we had would go somewhere and I finally had come round to the idea of entering into a relationship with someone again and now it's all over and I feel lost and hurt. I can't stop thinking about him, part of me is so tempted to just send him a message and say I made a terrible mistake in ending things but I know I didn't, I just miss him so much and I don't know how I'll move on from thinking about him. My stomach's in knots, I feel crying a lot (I just did a while ago) and I slept for about two hours last night. I've had a few breakups and so far this is the most intense.

This pain is really getting to me and I don't want it to interfere with my physical functioning like sleeping and eating. Is this normal after a break up? I think how fast this is after happening is really not helping. All of this happened over two days and I feel just all over the place right now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Sleepless and Manic

Oh no. I'm so sorry.

I'm probably no help if I say for me... and we're all different... it can take weeks before I can leave the house. Weeks before I can function normally. Eugh. But the broken heart can last many months.

It will get better though. I suppose its a cliche but time really does heal. Reclaim your life and get back all those habits you'd associate with him and it slowly changes.

shalalala

I cannot eat after breakups either. I am going through a break up at the moment and all I can say it that it does get easier. Look after yourself. Talk about it to everyone. Concerntrate on the bad in your ex. Helps you get to the angry stage. A lot easier to eat and sleep once you get there!

Merkin

Awwww you poor sausage. You know there is no secret rule that our feelings should only be commensurate with the length of the involvement. What you felt, albeit for a short time, was very real and intense so of course you're going to feel very hurt and upset after it. Two things:

1. It will pass. Heartbreak is like a physical ailment so you can expect disruption to sleep and eating/drinking patterns as well as thought process/ability to focus. It's our way of processing what has happened and each day will get that little less painful. Be patient and allow yourself to feel this way, you need to do it in order to mend your little heartl

2. You're very brave and a lot stronger than you think. You know what you want and deserve so you obviously have healthy levels of self esteem and self worth and that is to be commended. This person couldn't offer you what you want and deserve so you proactively terminated it rather than let it painfully drag on hoping he would come to his senses. Go you! And in time, when your little heart has started to heal, you'll see why your decision really was for the best.

You'll be fine xx

MultiUmm

Thanks for the replies everyone. They really do help. There's still that part of me that just wants to reverse what I've done and go back to him but that will just set me back even further. I'm going to try and focus on healing and eventually moving on instead.

shalalala

Keep yourself busy and stay around people and you will be fine x

ManOfMystery

MultiUmm wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. They really do help. There's still that part of me that just wants to reverse what I've done and go back to him but that will just set me back even further. I'm going to try and focus on healing and eventually moving on instead.

Fundamentally, you want different things. So it will never work.

It's easy to just slip back and avoid all this pain, but you know the issue will only resurface again - like giving up an addiction, then quickly slipping back into old habits as it's easier than going cold turkey. You have to stick to your guns and do what's best for you.

ibarelycare

You poor thing. It's an absolutely horrible feeling and when you're going through it, you sometimes wonder will you ever NOT feel like that. You absolutely will in time. You might want to just wallow and be on your own for a few days, and if you do, that's absolutely fine. But you should also seek support from friends, and try and make some plans to give you something to look forward to and focus on (a little holiday maybe?)

It gets a teensy bit easier every day. For the first while you mightn't think that it does, but after a couple of weeks, you'll notice that the ball of anxiety/pain in your stomach isn't constantly there, and that you've been thinking about him a little less day by day

It's so difficult not to give in and get in touch with him, but try your hardest to be strong. If you have a weak moment and text him, that's ok, we've all been there. But keep reminding yourself WHY you broke up, and that if you keep in contact you're only delaying the inevitable pain.

Mind yourself x

marie12

sorry to hear that, its a loss really and can be so gut wrenching. you lose such a big part of your life...but for a reason. remember the reason. it is natural to think of all the good times and you just want to reconcile. but it wouldn't be good in the long run. time is the only thing. think of things to distract you and busy up your next few months. do things you always wanted to do. in 3 months you'll feel better than you do now.
i know how you feel tho, i take break ups terribly but you do learn from them x

stupidpiggy

Hey OP
Sorry you're having a rough time.

I'm crap at break-ups and I think it's always harder being the dumper rather than the dumpee as you also have to carry the weight of the doubt and potential regret you're hoping doesn't hit you later.

That said, you should give yourself a pat on the back for realising you guys were on different pages and also being assertive enough to make sure your own needs were being fulfilled too. It took be a long time to learn that trick

Also, in terms of comparing your other break-ups - I actually think sometimes the shortest relationships are the worst break ups - mainly because you go straight from Honeymoon period to zero. You didn't have enough time together to collect all the bad habits and turn-offs that accumulate in a LTR. I was with a guy 5 years and when we broke up I barely cried at all, I got over him while I was still with him, a guy I dated for 3 months almost broke me when it ended. I realise now it was just the fall from grace and I never really got to experience his faults. Not because he didn't have any; just because there wasn't enough time.

Good luck x

SATSUMA

I feel your pain- i got unexpectedly dumped today and im broken hearted.

My tips:

Stay focused on why you ended it or personally i like to stay angry until the intensity of the sadness passes.

I went to a homeopath and got stuff, if you tell them your symptoms they can make something up. Im new to this but its helped me with the shock even if its placebo its worth it.

I feel sick on the upside a bit of weight loss is a bonus i will look hot for the next man or so i tell myself.

Hang with the girlies/guys- wev all been there.

Talk to a therapist if it lasts a long time to learn new coping mechanism.

Go on the hunt for new meat (ok ok) it might boost your self esteem.

Anyway, these are just ideas; im in bits, its easier to help than be helped!

bnagrrl

Until February this year I was seeing someone I was utterly besotted with, madly in love, would have done anything for him. Then over the course of a couple of conversations we both realised we wanted different things. He initiated the break up and I was devastated. I had to see him a couple of times afterwards to return belongings etc and every contact just destroyed me afresh.

I couldn't eat or sleep, lost weight, cried at the drop of a hat. It's taken me weeks and weeks to get to a point where he's no longer my first thought in the morning or my last thought at night. Sometimes he'll pop into my head unexpectedly but I can handle it now and can push it aside.

Keep yourself busy whether it's through hobbies, sports, friends. Be nice to yourself, sometimes retail therapy can help or a new hair cut etc.

It's hard but you will get through this. X

P.S. I'm going on a date this weekend. I never thought I'd get to this point but time does heal all wounds.

MultiUmm

Thanks for all the great replies everyone, I have to say I didn't think I'd get such an amount of support and advice when I started this thread. I suppose it goes to show we've all been here at one stage or another, and there is an end to the hurt in time.

I'm feeling a bit better since I made the thread a few days ago. I've stopped bursting into tears at any point and I'm eating a little bit more too thankfully. I still miss him and I still feel quite sad and upset when I think about what happened, and I think it's going to take me a while till I'm fully over him but like it's been mentioned here time heals all wounds. My friends have shown me some sense as well as have you guys and they think what I did was absolutely the right thing to do and that I'm better off without him.

Hopefully one day I can look back on this as a valuable learning experience. For now I'm going to concentrate on moving on until I get to that place.

Merkin

Good girl. I'm glad to hear you are feeling that bit better. You will have good and bad days but overall you will see your little heart get better with each day that passes. And you'll eventually get to that stage where you don't give him a second thought.

You'll also see when you fall in love with someone who adores you that they'll want all the things that you want. Well done you for holding out for what you want and deserve xx

MultiUmm

Merkin wrote: »

Good girl. I'm glad to hear you are feeling that bit better. You will have good and bad days but overall you will see your little heart get better with each day that passes. And you'll eventually get to that stage where you don't give him a second thought.

You'll also see when you fall in love with someone who adores you that they'll want all the things that you want. Well done you for holding out for what you want and deserve xx

:P

I actually happen to be a guy as well believe it or not! Didn't specify it in my OP, heartbreak is heartbreak regardless of orientation/ gender.

Thanks for your support as well, it's immeasurably helpful.

Merkin

Sorry for assuming!:p Orientation is incidental, when it hurts it HURTS!

Glad to be of help, glad you're a bit better xx

suicide_circus

Watch out for the booze, drugs and food. They can all become your friend (crutch) at a time like this. You've really gotta regulate yourself, it can sneak up on you incredibly quickly. Been there.

MultiUmm

suicide_circus wrote: »

Watch out for the booze, drugs and food. They can all become your friend (crutch) at a time like this. You've really gotta regulate yourself, it can sneak up on you incredibly quickly. Been there.

What I found enormously helpful over the last few days is writing down everything I'm feeling and thinking at the moment. I enjoy writing as it is but I'd recommend it to anyone who's going through a break up or distress of any kind for that matter. It was like I offloaded a lot of the hurt and confusion from what happened on to the page, and it helped me realise I wasn't the one who was in the wrong, that I did the right thing in ending it and I no longer have to resist the urge to contact him because it's not there any more.

That said, I am partial to a glass or two of wine and over indulging in chocolate from time to time... but I was like that well before the break up.

BG2

MultiUmm wrote: »

Yesterday I ended things with someone who I really really liked and I am gutted over it. Everything's happened so fast that I'm finding this hard to process and deal with. Three days ago things between us were fine and then on Sunday night after having a discussion with him I realised we were looking for completely different things. I eventually wanted a relationship and with that monogamy and he did not want that at all, even in the future. I decided that the best thing for both of us was to finish things, and I did yesterday.

Our time together wasn't huge but I feel like I'm completely torn up inside. I had such hopes that what we had would go somewhere and I finally had come round to the idea of entering into a relationship with someone again and now it's all over and I feel lost and hurt. I can't stop thinking about him, part of me is so tempted to just send him a message and say I made a terrible mistake in ending things but I know I didn't, I just miss him so much and I don't know how I'll move on from thinking about him. My stomach's in knots, I feel crying a lot (I just did a while ago) and I slept for about two hours last night. I've had a few breakups and so far this is the most intense.

This pain is really getting to me and I don't want it to interfere with my physical functioning like sleeping and eating. Is this normal after a break up? I think how fast this is after happening is really not helping. All of this happened over two days and I feel just all over the place right now.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

It sounds perfectly normal. You are going through the grieving process of a relationship so don't stress yourself out more worrying whether it's normal or not. I remember my most intense heartbreak not being able to eat or sleep at all the first week. Sobbing my heart out in the shower or under the covers so housemate couldn't hear. Staying up all night watching Hugh Grant movies.

In fact, the relationship I didn't take the time to physically and emotionally grieve over was the one that came back to bite me in the bum.

MultiUmm

Hey guys, just thought I'd make one quick post.

So today for almost the first time in a month I met up with himself. We were talking last week on facebook and I suggested we get a coffee. I didn't know what would come of it but I had an idea that the possible outcomes would either be "let's just be friends" or "come back to my place". It turned out to be the former, and I have to say I'm strangely relieved.

I think the reason I was so upset and remained to be for weeks is because part of me (quite a big part in hindsight) was holding out at the thought of getting back together with him in some shape or form.

Today when I told him how much I missed him over the last few weeks and how I thought my decision was a bit hasty, he told me that ending it when I did was the right thing to do. He told me even if we did get back together there would always be that trickle of doubt in my mind over being with him and ultimately there would be a repeat of the same hurt all over again.

I knew these things anyway deep down but hearing it off him has given me the release I needed. I know it's definitely over and I can move on properly now. I was for a moment disappointed but not long after I felt like a weight was off my shoulders in a sense.

I'm not fully there yet but I'm glad to say I'm feeling a whole lot better then when I started this thread initially.

Merkin

That is such brilliant progress, I'm so delighted for you. In the majority of cases, what prolongs the agony of a breakup is the secret hope of a reconciliation. You promise yourself that you're getting on fine but secretly you play scenarios in your head of it all being a mistake or the other person making some grand gesture. The moment that such idealisation is eliminated and the moment you remove the other person from the pedestal you placed them on (so they're not so frigging perfect after all) is the moment you can really heal. It's a real lightbulb moment and one that is very liberating and will mark a great new start in some ways for you. Onwards and upwards and thank you for update xx