Cheated - Head is all over the place

LegacyUser

Hi,

Sorry for the long post. Before I say anymore, I know I'm all the bad names under the sun that you could call me. And worse. I've spent that past month torturing myself for what I have done. Self loathing. Depression. People have noticed how down I am. This isn't a woe is me post. I deserve to feel this way. I'm every name you could think of. However, I'm not writing this to be called all of those names again, I'm writing this because I don't know what to do and I'm realizing now that I am on a slippery slope and I need to figure it all out. Some of what a will admit here is terrible but I will write it anyway as I need to be honest.

In a relationship for 4.5 years. I turned 30 last year, she is 28. Fantastic girl, would never have had any complaints although looking back I guess I could say "right girl, wrong time/circumstances" perhaps. I really can't fault her, but the circumstances aren't good. For most of that time we have been doing it long distance. Until last year I was in London and she in Northern UK, but now I'm back in Dublin and she is in Cork. Circumstances will mean we will likely both be in Dublin next year but even then, with my recent thought process I'm wondering are our careers are so different that I fear for where we are going respectively. All of this is perspective that I am only seeing now. And here's why.

Up until a month ago I thought I was happy, and that our working towards this end goal of being together finally was what I wanted. However, I have made a complete mess. I was recently away with work in Birmingham and after an extremely drunken work night (with about 30 people) I slept with a colleague. I genuinely have very little memory of how it happened, I just woke up in her hotel room and nearly lost my life with panic. I'm still not sure how it happened and have only vague memories of what happened but I know we had sex. I got out of there quickly the next morning and my colleague is treating it as if nothing ever happened, but every time I see her I become a mess as I'm reminded of what I did. For context, I have never cheated before. I have had little crushes and I admit I had found my colleague attractive without it being anything other than a passing attraction, but she would never have known and I never got any impression that she felt the same so I don't really know where it all came from on the night. I have never considered cheating so I don't know how I managed to come to the conclusion on the night, even in a drunken blur my mind should have stopped me but obviously that never happened.

I still don't know why this happened. I love my girlfriend. She is an amazing person and I could not fault her in the slightest. She is brilliant to me and my friends and family adore her. However, I'm starting to realize that there may be something much deeper going on. I am seeing how emotionally draining I have found the circumstance of distance. I feel I gave up so much in order to make the relationship work such as having no social life so I could get trains up to Northern England at the weekends. Going long periods of time without seeing her. I appreciate she has also done all of this so again, this is no "poor me" story, I'm just trying to figure my own mind out. Over a 4.5 year span I now see how hard I found the maintenance of the relationship. I am aware that I am accountable for what I do no matter how much alcohol I consume but I think I may have repressed any notions of being unhappy for a number of reasons, not least that she herself is exactly what I want, the time and energy invested previously and the rest. However, now I realize how costly this is because my failure to address this has led to where I am now and the confusion I feel.

This is the worst part and I am aware how low this is. I still have an attraction to my colleague. I feel wretched and feel like a horrible person when I see her but she also gets my pulse racing when I see her, considerably more than before this happened. I'm not saying I'm going to run off with her by the way, just an internal emotion that is adding to my mental chaos and making me feel even worse. Thankfully she is moving to the States soon so I won't be working with her after the summer.

My 1st reaction was to confess but when I thought about it, I realized that this would crush my girlfriend and for now I have said nothing and taking the extreme guilt I feel as punishment for my actions. In one way I know to confess is the correct thing to do, but it also feels like an additional selfish act to alleviate my guilt whilst completely crushing her and inflicting God knows what kind of psychological damage. I appreciate it is cowardly on my part as I also fear losing her and don't want her to hate me. I'd be willing to reconcile myself with a lifetime of guilt and self loathing as my punishment to keep from hurting her, if my head wasn't so all over the place. Basically I now have doubts that I didn't have the morning of the incident. Or at least that I didn't know I had. And I can't exactly talk to her about this without telling her so for now I am totally trying to figure this out on my own. That's why I'm posting here. I already know I am every name you want to call me, and worse, but please refrain as I have done nothing but hate myself for a month anyway and am unlikely to break this pattern anytime soon.

I really don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt her. I want to understand what part of my stupid brain has managed to find fault with the best girl/relationship I ever had and how to deal with that. Ultimately I just want her here with me and to make a life together. But I have made a gigantic mess of everything and I know I can't have all of these things. I don't deserve her after this, I made a huge mistake. I know the right thing to do would be to set her free of me but I can't do it. Without pointing out my obvious flaws, please help me?

tinkerbell

You say "I don't want to hurt her" - if you really didn't, then you wouldn't have jumped into your colleague's bed. Your girlfriend deserves to know so that she can decide if she wants to forgive you. If you had any respect left for her, you would tell her. You say you love your girlfriend but get real here - if you did, you wouldn't have had sex with your colleague. Now you have to deal with the consequences of that which means telling your girlfriend. And get yourself checked out for STIs. If you were that drunk that you can't even remember how it happened, then you may have not used protection either.

And yes, you are being a coward by not telling her. You're not some hero here by taking on all this guilt on yourself by supposedly sparing her from heartache. You say you want to do the right thing - the right thing is telling your girlfriend. Most likely she'll dump you but she deserves better than having her boyfriend of nearly 5 years jump into bed with someone else.

Potatoeman

hatemyselfbutneedhelp wrote: »

Hi,

Sorry for the long post. Before I say anymore, I know I'm all the bad names under the sun that you could call me. And worse. I've spent that past month torturing myself for what I have done. Self loathing. Depression. People have noticed how down I am. This isn't a woe is me post. I deserve to feel this way. I'm every name you could think of. However, I'm not writing this to be called all of those names again, I'm writing this because I don't know what to do and I'm realizing now that I am on a slippery slope and I need to figure it all out. Some of what a will admit here is terrible but I will write it anyway as I need to be honest.

In a relationship for 4.5 years. I turned 30 last year, she is 28. Fantastic girl, would never have had any complaints although looking back I guess I could say "right girl, wrong time/circumstances" perhaps. I really can't fault her, but the circumstances aren't good. For most of that time we have been doing it long distance. Until last year I was in London and she in Northern UK, but now I'm back in Dublin and she is in Cork. Circumstances will mean we will likely both be in Dublin next year but even then, with my recent thought process I'm wondering are our careers are so different that I fear for where we are going respectively. All of this is perspective that I am only seeing now. And here's why.

Up until a month ago I thought I was happy, and that our working towards this end goal of being together finally was what I wanted. However, I have made a complete mess. I was recently away with work in Birmingham and after an extremely drunken work night (with about 30 people) I slept with a colleague. I genuinely have very little memory of how it happened, I just woke up in her hotel room and nearly lost my life with panic. I'm still not sure how it happened and have only vague memories of what happened but I know we had sex. I got out of there quickly the next morning and my colleague is treating it as if nothing ever happened, but every time I see her I become a mess as I'm reminded of what I did. For context, I have never cheated before. I have had little crushes and I admit I had found my colleague attractive without it being anything other than a passing attraction, but she would never have known and I never got any impression that she felt the same so I don't really know where it all came from on the night. I have never considered cheating so I don't know how I managed to come to the conclusion on the night, even in a drunken blur my mind should have stopped me but obviously that never happened.

I still don't know why this happened. I love my girlfriend. She is an amazing person and I could not fault her in the slightest. She is brilliant to me and my friends and family adore her. However, I'm starting to realize that there may be something much deeper going on. I am seeing how emotionally draining I have found the circumstance of distance. I feel I gave up so much in order to make the relationship work such as having no social life so I could get trains up to Northern England at the weekends. Going long periods of time without seeing her. I appreciate she has also done all of this so again, this is no "poor me" story, I'm just trying to figure my own mind out. Over a 4.5 year span I now see how hard I found the maintenance of the relationship. I am aware that I am accountable for what I do no matter how much alcohol I consume but I think I may have repressed any notions of being unhappy for a number of reasons, not least that she herself is exactly what I want, the time and energy invested previously and the rest. However, now I realize how costly this is because my failure to address this has led to where I am now and the confusion I feel.

This is the worst part and I am aware how low this is. I still have an attraction to my colleague. I feel wretched and feel like a horrible person when I see her but she also gets my pulse racing when I see her, considerably more than before this happened. I'm not saying I'm going to run off with her by the way, just an internal emotion that is adding to my mental chaos and making me feel even worse. Thankfully she is moving to the States soon so I won't be working with her after the summer.

My 1st reaction was to confess but when I thought about it, I realized that this would crush my girlfriend and for now I have said nothing and taking the extreme guilt I feel as punishment for my actions. In one way I know to confess is the correct thing to do, but it also feels like an additional selfish act to alleviate my guilt whilst completely crushing her and inflicting God knows what kind of psychological damage. I appreciate it is cowardly on my part as I also fear losing her and don't want her to hate me. I'd be willing to reconcile myself with a lifetime of guilt and self loathing as my punishment to keep from hurting her, if my head wasn't so all over the place. Basically I now have doubts that I didn't have the morning of the incident. Or at least that I didn't know I had. And I can't exactly talk to her about this without telling her so for now I am totally trying to figure this out on my own. That's why I'm posting here. I already know I am every name you want to call me, and worse, but please refrain as I have done nothing but hate myself for a month anyway and am unlikely to break this pattern anytime soon.

I really don't know what to do. I want to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt her. I want to understand what part of my stupid brain has managed to find fault with the best girl/relationship I ever had and how to deal with that. Ultimately I just want her here with me and to make a life together. But I have made a gigantic mess of everything and I know I can't have all of these things. I don't deserve her after this, I made a huge mistake. I know the right thing to do would be to set her free of me but I can't do it. Without pointing out my obvious flaws, please help me?

How long have you been long distsnce, most of the 4.5 years? They can be good for a short while but over a long period you miss out on too much.

AnonMouse

First things first - the fact that you had sex with your colleague would suggest that somewhere in your subconscious, you were having doubts about your relationship. Anyone that is fully content in their relationship, wouldn't sleep with someone else, no matter how drunk they are. That leads you onto the next issue - what is lacking in your relationship that led to you jumping into bed with someone else? Maybe it was the intimacy and affection that comes with relationships that aren't long distance. Only you can answer that question.

To me, it sounds like you have come to realise how much you have missed out on, in the last few years, by engaging in a long distance relationship. The grass is always greener on the other side kind of thing. Either way, you need some introspective thought to see what you really want from your relationship, or if you even want it at all.

Regarding telling your girlfriend - if she is as great as you say she is, she deserves a boyfriend that won't go behind her back. Personally, I would break up with her and not say anything about your extra curricular shenanigans. She would recover from the break up, but if you told her about doing the dirt, it could lead to trust issues for her in future relationships, and she doesn't deserve that.

Merkin

I think the fact that you're so attracted to this work colleague after the event speaks volumes. In fact I think the whole event is probably symptomatic of all not being quite as rosy and picture perfect in your relationship as you assert.

Your must pressing priority is an STD test. If you can't remember the sex then I'm sure you can't remember if you played safely. You must get yourself checked.

I then think you have two fairly clear cut choices:

1. You finish your relationship, sooner rather than later.

2. You tell your girlfriend what happened.

Faith

Alright, what happened, happened. It's not good, but it's done now. Here's my feeling on the issue: by not telling your girlfriend what happened, you are A) stealing her right to make up her own mind, and assuming you know what's best for her better than she does herself. I think it's really unfair to keep this a secret, because she has the right to make up her own mind.

I suggest you tell her. Lay it all out on the table like you did here, including your feelings about the long distance. She needs to choose what to do. You can't take that right away from her. Maybe she'll forgive you and want to make another go of things, or maybe she'll dump you. The point is, it's her decision, not yours.

TimeToShine

I don't think you should tell her. Nothing good can come of it. You'll feel worse and she'll develop trust issues.

Merkin

TimeToShine wrote: »

I don't think you should tell her. Nothing good can come of it. You'll feel worse and she'll develop trust issues.

Don't you think she deserves to know? Especially given his feelings for this third party? If my OH had sex with someone and then harboured feelings for them I'd really want to know about it tbh.

TimeToShine

Merkin wrote: »

Don't you think she deserves to know? Especially given his feelings for this third party? If my OH had sex with someone and then harboured feelings for them I'd really want to know about it tbh.

Of course she does but sometimes the truth does more harm than good. All this would do is inflict the OPs misery onto the poor girl as well. She doesn't deserve that.

As for your second point, you may think you want to know but believe me there are a lot of things you don't know that you're better off for. It's human nature to want to know about everything linked to ourselves but that does not necessarily make it therapeutic. I just think the old "just tell him/her" approach is a bit of armchair advice as every situation is different.

Just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

Merkin

I agree insofar as the truth can be overrated sometimes. The OP in this instance actually has feelings for this other girl though so it would be very unfair to continue under such false pretences. If he breaks up with her he doesn't have to tell her necessarily but if he is intending to stay with her and they are planning to be together soon permanently than he has no choice but to tell her from what I can see.

LegacyUser

The danger of not telling her - if she finds out in the future off someone else. THAT would really really cause her serious heartache. Being deceived and lied to after someone dumping you is enough to cause massive trust issues for anyone. Fair enough it may be a what if, but there's still always going to be a chance there that she will find out. A risk I personally wouldnt be willing to take.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to put on the big boy boots here and do what's right.

Would you OP want to know if she fell into bed with a colleague and had sex, then continued on for a month not saying a word? My guess is that you would want to know.

retro:electro

So basically you cheated on your girlfriend because you're unhappy in your relationship and you still fancy your co worker. Break up with your girlfriend and let her find someone who respects her enough not to cheat on her.

stickybookmark

I agree with Merkin either tell her or break up with her. I think telling her could crush her so the decent thing to do is break up with her. You're in danger of cheating again if you ask me. You are now feeling ramped-up sober attraction to your colleague. Now that ye have crossed that line what's to stop the same happening at the next work weekend away or office night out? Do the decent thing and finish things with your girlfriend.

The fact is: you slept with somebody else. If you were to tell her and you guys were to try and continue on, she would never really trust you again so even though on the surface things might seem ok and ye might even get married, underneath there would be huge issues as that solid bedrock of trust and intimacy on which a relationship is based would have a crack in it. So it would be better for ye to break up. You should either give her the option of breaking up with you based on this knowledge or do the decent thing and break up with her yourself. That way you are saving her the hurt of finding out about your cheating but you're still doing the right thing.

LegacyUser

A LDR is really hard thing to be in. For 4.5 years? That sounds very hard. You made one single stupid drunk mistake in all that long hard time. Just one. If you sure won't happen again. Then forget about it and try to be best boyfriend you can be. What is done is done. No point to tell. No point to break up.

Starokan

The feelings for your co worker are not a good sign for the future of your relationship, i do believe your feeling massively guilty but i would be fairly certain that you would sleep with your co worker again if the chance arose on a night out where inhibitions are lowered by alcohol.

To that end i would suggest not going to her leaving do Look stuff happens, its not good what you did and i think if your honest you know your not telling your girlfriend ever . You can tell yourself its for her but it isn't, its just easier not to as you wont be caught.

What will happen here is the guilt will lessen and you will either become a serial cheater (you will feel less guilty every time) or this will remain a one off, i would say do some serious thinking immediately, if you are going to look elsewhere man up and let your girlfriend go.

LegacyUser

Just to give a small bit of perspective from the other side. My girlfriend of 4 years at the time told me a few months ago that she cheated me and slept with someone else. There is a very specific context to what happened that I wont go into but I decided after some reflection to not give up on your relationship and we are still together and things are beginning to get back strong. Nonetheless I was heart broken when she told as you can expect. However I honestly think it would have hurt more if I had never known and found out at some stage later.

She deserves to know and you need to tell despite the hurt it is going to cause. The hurt and pain is inevitable and it is something you are just going to have man up to and deal with. But as has been said she deserves to be able to make the choice whether she wants to stay with you given what you have done. You say you still have feelings for this co worker and she also needs to know this. As someone who has been on the other I ask you disclose everything. Relationships can survive these things but you must be prepared for every eventuality.

Koptain Liverpool

You need to think about this rationally. No one has died, its not the end of the world. The reality is that these things can happen when a long distance relationship is involved.

Don't beat yourself up feeling guilty. But be a man about it and just tell your girlfriend. Keeping it a secret would be worse than the cheating itself.

She may or not not finish with you when you tell her but that's life.

In any regard you also need to have a good think about what you really want. It could be that the long distance issue has caused you to have feelings for your colleague or it could be that you aren't in love with girlfriend anymore. You need to decide which it is asap.

Don't listen to the extreme replies on here telling you that you're the worst person ever etc. What you did iwas wrong but we all make mistakes. You need to let your girlfriend know what happened so that you can both discuss where your relationship is headed.

howamidifferent

Speaking as someone who was cheated on in the past, love is built slowly over time based on trust. When that trust is broken it is replaced with suspicion and paranoia and despite best efforts, it will rarely be fully repaired. Either break up with her and say nothing or tell her and expect to be dumped and rightly so.

IHeartShoes

To offer some balance, I am also speaking as someone that has been cheated on. My ex didn't have the courage to tell me. It really compounds the whole thing and adds an extra dimension that is not necessary. When you have to find out for yourself, you wonder if this is the only time, the only person, how long etc. You retrace lots of incidences in your head that probably have no relevance but when you are in the dark, you suspect everything.

You can head all of that off at the pass if you confront this head on and save her some headwreck. She probably won't appreciate that at this time but you will feel better knowing you did what you could to mitigate the pain.

There really is no place here for the judgement and the berating. It is what it is. We are all adults and responsible for our own choices. Its what you do now thats important. I would encourage you to do the right thing no matter how painful it will be for you and for her. Be brave. She deserves that at the very least and I personally would have a lot more respect for that person.

I think you need to be able to look back and know, yes, you did something you are ashamed of but you have no shame about what came after.

Best of luck, S

LegacyUser

OP
I would seperate the two items of cheating and relationship. Granted they have an interconnection but you'll spin your head dealing with the two together.

The cheating happened its an act boren out of something else- why? something was lacking.

The real question is are you truely happy in a 4.5 LTR?
I'd wager not, and when you figure out what was lacking then you'll realise that.

LegacyUser

I honestly cannot believe there are a few posters here telling OP NOT to tell his gf.. How cruel and dishonest. Tables turned - wonder how they would feel then!

A secret like that would eat away at your conscience. If you feel like you can live with that then fine. But I think it's an awful thing to do. This whole thing of "what she doesnt know wont hurt her" is disgusting and I'm very thankful that I'm not one of those people. I would rather clear my conscience and do the right thing. Even if it meant hurting someone.

You can then move on with your life. Sweeping stuff under the carpet is never a good thing. Things have a funny way of resurfacing!

Mighty_Mouse

We're only human.

I find sometimes in these situations people set the moral-compass a little unrealistically high.

It's not a black and white situation. Why?
Well, because life is not black and white.
Good people make stupid mistakes all the time.

I believe the OP when he says he loves his girlfriend.
He's not a serial cheater or a otherwise an emotionally abusive partner.

OP, if you were my mate. I'd say; the guilt is the consequence of your misbehavior. You are already punishing yourself enough.
You don't need to self-implode and flush your life down the toilet in a bout of self-pity.

The guilt will go away in time.
You will have learned a valuable lesson in that you are not the type suited to cheating.

Chances are this "colleague" wont say a word.

Not keep stum, act like it never happened, swallow your guilt, learn your lessons and move on with your life.

stickybookmark

Mighty Mouse did you not read the bit about his elevated attraction to his colleague? Didn't sound to me like he's not cut out as a serial cheater. In my experience the ones that confess because they can't live with the guilt are the ones that are definitely not serial cheaters

MagicMarker

stickybookmark wrote: »

In my experience the ones that confess because they can't live with the guilt are the ones that are definitely not serial cheaters

Did you miss the part where the OP says he's not going to tell his GF?

stickybookmark

MagicMarker wrote: »

Did you miss the part where the OP says he's not going to tell his GF?

Exactly my point!

Pullerhair

AnonMouse wrote: »

First things first - the fact that you had sex with your colleague would suggest that somewhere in your subconscious, you were having doubts about your relationship. Anyone that is fully content in their relationship, wouldn't sleep with someone else, no matter how drunk they are. That leads you onto the next issue - what is lacking in your relationship that led to you jumping into bed with someone else? Maybe it was the intimacy and affection that comes with relationships that aren't long distance. Only you can answer that question.

To me, it sounds like you have come to realise how much you have missed out on, in the last few years, by engaging in a long distance relationship. The grass is always greener on the other side kind of thing. Either way, you need some introspective thought to see what you really want from your relationship, or if you even want it at all.

Regarding telling your girlfriend - if she is as great as you say she is, she deserves a boyfriend that won't go behind her back. Personally, I would break up with her and not say anything about your extra curricular shenanigans. She would recover from the break up, but if you told her about doing the dirt, it could lead to trust issues for her in future relationships, and she doesn't deserve that.

I think it is nonsense to say that he must have doubts about his relationship because he cheated. He cheated because it's been hardwired into him through millions of yours of evolution. His reward centers lit up at the prospect of furthering his genetic legacy and he acted on it. It's an issue of will power ultimately and being able to deny short term pleasure for long term well being and principals.

Mighty_Mouse

Mighty Mouse did you not read the bit about his elevated attraction to his colleague?

It's completely normal.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you don't fancy other people.

You made a mistake OP, don't throw your life away.

Paddy Cow

Merkin wrote: »

I agree insofar as the truth can be overrated sometimes. The OP in this instance actually has feelings for this other girl though so it would be very unfair to continue under such false pretences. If he breaks up with her he doesn't have to tell her necessarily but if he is intending to stay with her and they are planning to be together soon permanently than he has no choice but to tell her from what I can see.

I think he should tell her and let her make up her own mind. Who knows how she would react to breaking up. Maybe she would spend ages going over the relationship and wondering what she did wrong for him to break up with her. At least if she knows about the cheating, she'll know that she didn't do anything wrong. She will feel betrayed but her pain will ease and she can move on with full disclosure.

The op is right when he says that not telling her is cowardly. He feels guilty but he also doesn't want his girlfriend to think less of him, which is a cop out.

carriemath14

Hi OP,

I've been in your position, except for the LDR part but I don't get to spend much time with my boyfriend due to his job. I cheated nearly two months ago and like you couldn't get this other guy out of my head. That is until I actually had a chance to stop and think about exactly what I had done, how wrong it was and how much I have risked for just one night of fun.

I don't think that you now have feelings for your colleague. I think that the night you slept with her was fun, different and the thrill and excitement just made the whole situation seem more appealing. You started to think about all of the things that you've missed out on but anybody in a relationship sacrifices going out and getting with other people, no matter what the circumstances.

My advice would be to stop thinking about this other woman, avoid her if at all possible, or at least minimise contact and keep it strictly business around her. If you take her out of the equation and just think about the fact that you cheated it becomes a lot easier to judge the situation and to realise exactly how you feel. Then think about your relationship putting the whole cheating bit aside. Decide whether you would like to stay with your girlfriend. If not I don't think you should tell her (unless it's likely that she'll find out elsewhere). If you decide that you do want to stay with her and try to make things work then it's up to you whether you tell her or not. It's your choice, nobody else's (again unless she's likely to hear it from somebody else).

I didn't tell my boyfriend, but I came really close a few times. The guilt hasn't gone away, and I really wish I hadn't cheated, but it did make me realise that I just hadn't appreciated what I have. And I don't believe the saying 'once a cheat, always a cheat', I think the opposite. I know that I never ever again want to do it