Friend in abusive relationship

DukeOfTheSharp

This has been a thing I've been meaning to ask, it's an issue I've seen develop in the last year with a friend of mine.

Short version: she's fairly...awkward, insofar as she doesn't like people telling her what to do, or even suggesting that her decisions aren't the most logical, even in little things. She was going out with a chap, got sick of him and dumped him (I didn't agree with the logic, but there you go) but got back with him a month or so later. From this point forward, I don't think they've had one night where there hasn't be a raging fight, panic-attack or general awkwardness between the two of them. He's awful to her, and I mean awful, commenting on how good other women look, directly to her face, making her feel worse about herself. The guy isn't exactly mature either, but he turns into a bull when he's angry and refuses to take responsibility for what he says or does. In one instance, he passed on a comment a friend of his made about her, for no other reason than to hurt her. She's stays with him, despite being so sick of him she literally sends him away from her, ignores him, refuses to talk to him. He's openly disdainful of women in general, it's maddening really. Yet any time you try to raise the issue with her, she becomes defensive and angry, defending the chap's actions through and through.

Now, I'm guessing she may have some issues with her self-esteem, which is all well and good, she may even have a history of abusive relationships, but her attitude is getting worse, alienating and blaming her friends for not spending time with her when she's, in fact, the one refusing to spend time with us. She's miserable, sick of him, but won't leave him. I guess I'm venting here, but really; what do I, or any of her other friends seeing this, do? I mean, is there a way to approach this that we're not seeing. No matter what we do, even if we leave it be and she comes to us for advice, we end up getting shut down.

Any advice would be nice here, thanks!

Sauve

If this was me, and I'm not saying it's right or wrong in your situation, what I'd be inclined to do here is start letting your friend know you're there for her. Simple as that. No telling her what to do, no harsh advice, no lectures.
That way she's much more likely to open up, confide, and maybe eventually listen to reason. Chances are she knows exactly the situation she's in, but hasn't the confidence or strength to pull herself out of it. That's where you come in, to help her build that.

I know that whenever I have a problem and need an ear, I'll gravitate towards the friends who'll nod and listen without judgement or chucking 'solutions' at it.
In 99% of cases, I already know what I need to do

DukeOfTheSharp

Well, the thing about that is; we've tried that too. We took the non-action, listening approach and you're right, she's full aware of her situation, but no matter how much we listen or agree or say nothing, it doesn't seem to take hold. I mean, she hates him, really hates him. She can't stand to be around him, everything I've said is exactly what she has said, and it goes beyond to pure psychological abuse she's receiving. It kills us to see her in this state, but no matter what angle we approach it at, she's already fully aware of her situation and feelings, but seems to just dump her feelings on us, then keeps on chugging. This has been going on for close to a year now, getting worse and worse. I can't even imagine what's going on in her head, and while I usually know what to do, I honestly can't figure out what to do; every road leads to the same crappy situation, it's never ending.

Sauve

Sounds like she has made her decision then to be honest.
Short of going Jerry Springer on it and staging an intervention, it sounds like you've all done everything ye can for her and covered all angles.

I think all that's left to do is sit back and be prepared to hold her hand when it all goes to crap, or she gets hurt. It's not easy watching somebody suffer when you can do nothing about it though

Lou.m

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

This has been a thing I've been meaning to ask, it's an issue I've seen develop in the last year with a friend of mine.

Short version: she's fairly...awkward, insofar as she doesn't like people telling her what to do, or even suggesting that her decisions aren't the most logical, even in little things. She was going out with a chap, got sick of him and dumped him (I didn't agree with the logic, but there you go) but got back with him a month or so later. From this point forward, I don't think they've had one night where there hasn't be a raging fight, panic-attack or general awkwardness between the two of them. He's awful to her, and I mean awful, commenting on how good other women look, directly to her face, making her feel worse about herself. The guy isn't exactly mature either, but he turns into a bull when he's angry and refuses to take responsibility for what he says or does. In one instance, he passed on a comment a friend of his made about her, for no other reason than to hurt her. She's stays with him, despite being so sick of him she literally sends him away from her, ignores him, refuses to talk to him. He's openly disdainful of women in general, it's maddening really. Yet any time you try to raise the issue with her, she becomes defensive and angry, defending the chap's actions through and through.

Now, I'm guessing she may have some issues with her self-esteem, which is all well and good, she may even have a history of abusive relationships, but her attitude is getting worse, alienating and blaming her friends for not spending time with her when she's, in fact, the one refusing to spend time with us. She's miserable, sick of him, but won't leave him. I guess I'm venting here, but really; what do I, or any of her other friends seeing this, do? I mean, is there a way to approach this that we're not seeing. No matter what we do, even if we leave it be and she comes to us for advice, we end up getting shut down.

Any advice would be nice here, thanks!

I have been were your friend was. Except I was so ashamed that I felt i could not bring myself to see friends. I kept it all in and never told people the extent that it escalated to. I tend to feel i can't talk about my worries with people and I don't want to burden them. I feel I must keep it to myself.

I was also being physically abused.

My mother persuaded me to see a Councillor to get me to see reality in a safe environment.

Suggest she see someone who can talk to her. I would say if you find her draining leave her be.

You can't save her.

You need to say crunch time ..either do something and get help or don't.

Tell her you love her...and she is amazing...it's all you can do.

And don't let it affect or hurt you. No matter how bad her situation she does not have the right to hurt others.

DukeOfTheSharp

At this point, saving her is completely out of the question. She's letting this effect her relationship with other people, it's gotten to the point where she can't see the forest from the trees. Honestly, as tough as it is, I think the best thing to do would be to step back and save ourselves from getting hurt anymore by this. We've done everything we can, we've tried every avenue and it hasn't helped. It sucks but you're both right, at the end of the day we just have to wait until things sort themselves, if they sort themselves. It'll just be a matter of how this entire thing has changed her point of view and attitude towards us.

Lou.m

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

At this point, saving her is completely out of the question. She's letting this effect her relationship with other people, it's gotten to the point where she can't see the forest from the trees. Honestly, as tough as it is, I think the best thing to do would be to step back and save ourselves from getting hurt anymore by this. We've done everything we can, we've tried every avenue and it hasn't helped. It sucks but you're both right, at the end of the day we just have to wait until things sort themselves, if they sort themselves. It'll just be a matter of how this entire thing has changed her point of view and attitude towards us.

If that is what you have to do for yourself then that is what you must do. HUGSx

Neyite

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

At this point, saving her is completely out of the question. She's letting this effect her relationship with other people, it's gotten to the point where she can't see the forest from the trees. Honestly, as tough as it is, I think the best thing to do would be to step back and save ourselves from getting hurt anymore by this. We've done everything we can, we've tried every avenue and it hasn't helped. It sucks but you're both right, at the end of the day we just have to wait until things sort themselves, if they sort themselves. It'll just be a matter of how this entire thing has changed her point of view and attitude towards us.

Please dont burn her bridges - she may need you someday when she gets the strenth to leave. And its part of the process that abusers use to isolate their victims so they feel they have nowhere to go and no support, so its playing right into his hands.
It takes on average 7 attempts for a woman to fully leave an abusive partner such is the manipulation, emotional abuse and brainwashing involved.

Would you be willing to talk to a domestic violence counsellor about how best to cope as a friend to her? They really are fantastic, even a chat over the phone might give you great pointers on how to best help your friend.

Reesy

Maybe I'm wide of the mark here but if you showed her this thread might it give her pause for thought?

(I'm clutching at straws here)

DukeOfTheSharp

Neyite wrote: »

Please dont burn her bridges - she may need you someday when she gets the strenth to leave. And its part of the process that abusers use to isolate their victims so they feel they have nowhere to go and no support, so its playing right into his hands.
It takes on average 7 attempts for a woman to fully leave an abusive partner such is the manipulation, emotional abuse and brainwashing involved.

Would you be willing to talk to a domestic violence counsellor about how best to cope as a friend to her? They really are fantastic, even a chat over the phone might give you great pointers on how to best help your friend.

As much as I'd like to, honestly, I don't know if I'm the best person to deal with this, or even help her. I'm not trying to say I have no sympathy, I do, and I want her to feel better, but the attitude we've all taken is that her attitude is actually hindering her, more than helping her and it's damaging to us. Take the fact that we've tried approaching the topic when she's brought it up, asking her if she's happy, and she replies without even considering it: "No". We try to let her come to a conclusion about things on her own from that point, adding a few bits of information and constantly reminding her that she deserves much, much better than this. I mean, this guy makes her feel terrible about herself, especially her weight, by pointing out how much better looking her siblings are. When all of this is laid out by her, she just ignores it, despite the fact that she's in tears and feels awful all the time. She's been in an abusive relationship before, so she knows the signs and had therapy to help her identify and cope with her own issues, she's not completely oblivious to the fact.

I've never been one to give up on something, I'd like to continue being there if she needs the help, I'm not going to cut all contact, none of us are. But isn't there a point where you have to just step back and let things sort themselves out? She told us she was going to leave him come June, but didn't. I've heard people feel sorry for her, I've heard them be sad about the whole thing, but the attitude they've all taken is 'we can't help her unless she wants to be helped', and the problem now is that any and all help we attempt to give is met with a very volatile pushback from her.

I will say, outside of her situation now, I've described her attitude as sort of immature, insofar as she gets very, very aggressive if you disagree with her. She's often burned her own bridges with people, or just plain hated someone, for relatively minor disagreements and will do her best to find the worst in you if you really anger her. We're walking a tightrope with this; she's not exactly the most middle-ground-orientated person on earth, but despite that it doesn't mean we should abandon her. But if we allude to anything, we're the enemy, but if we say nothing or attempt to be there for her, we're seemingly having no effect.