Do you ever feel like your best friends are holding you back?

whirlpool

I was going to post this in AH because it's not exactly a problem or a difficulty, but I decided to post if here instead because I'm looking for genuine responses.

To clarify the title... have you ever felt like you're holding yourself back by surrounding yourself with people who support your inaction in life? For example... you want to get really fit, but your best friend who you spend a lot of time with is really out of shape and does no exercise and just eats junk food all the time. Or you've lost all interest in the nightlife but another best friend wants to go out all the time. And they're your best friends, so you're around them a lot, and you end up staying in your comfort zone, doing what they do and never really seriously going for your goals.

I have less than a handful of good friends and I am around them a lot. I became good friends with them at a time in my life when our goals were very similar. But now they don't share my current goals and because I'm around them a lot I'm finding myself staying a stage of inaction.

It's 110% my responsibility, I'm not querying that aspect of it. I'm simply wondering if any of you have felt similarly in the past or present and if you've any tips for motivating yourself to achieve your goals while surrounded by people who don't share them, and letting myself stay in inaction.

Merkin

The only tip I have is that we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves and fulfilling our own hopes and dreams. We come into the world alone and we die alone and while having a wealth of interpersonal relationships to enrich our lives along the way is one of the most amazing things about being a human being, we're ultimately accountable for our own successes and failures. If you want to get fit then go and do so, nobody is actually stopping you but yourself.

Floppybits

They are not holding you back, you are holding yourself back.. If you want to get fit then do it. Sometimes you need to do things yourself, they make you stronger.

whirlpool

Thanks guys.

Yep, as I said in the OP, the responsibility is solely with me, and that it is me holding myself back.

My query is more about tips on motivating yourself when you've chosen to surround yourself with best friends who are really non-motivating (if that's a word) and you feel really non-motivated as a result. I'm just seeking some hints and tips. And also, have any of you ever felt like this before...

AnonMouse

I have felt like that a million times, and I still have days that I can't motivate myself. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, rather than imagining how you would be if you lost the weight. Write down your objectives on paper, so you have a clear plan of what you want to do. Write down your meals for the week, and stick to it.

I lost 4 stone a few years ago, and I went running on 2 consecutive days, rested the third day, and only ate 3 meals a day, with no junk food. It was extremely tough, but I started to enjoy it more when I saw the results. When I started running, I couldn't run very far, I was worried about how heavy I looked when I ran, and a whole range of other issues that put doubt in my mind if I should go running or not. Then I realised that people are so consumed by their own being, that they don't care how you look when you're exercising - their train of thought would be closer to "fair play to them for exercising"...FACT. If you really want to do it, you can. Everyone is their own worst enemy when it comes to things like that, myself included. And if you do have a set back with the diet, just accept it for what it is, rather than dwelling on it.

This is a very small tip, but something that has worked for me - when you get out of bed in the morning, make your bed before you do anything else. Do it nicely, and you will have achieved something for the day. Then, keep on trying to achieve something throughout the day, be it a run, staying away from your guilty indulgence, and if you have a crap day, at least you'll be going to bed in a nicely dressed bed.

You are capable of anything you put your mind to, we all are. We put restrictions on ourselves, and they are the only things that come between us and the things we want to achieve.

Wishing you the very best

Big Bag of Chips

So technically the bit about your friends holding you back is irrelevant to your post because that's not what you want advice on? You want advice on how to motivate yourself to get out and do things?

Well getting fit takes 30 mins 3 times a week if you use the couch to 5k app. So if you can take half an hour away from your friend who has no interest in getting fit for half an hour every 2nd day, then that's a good start. Or better still ask him would he join you. Then you are killing 2 birds with the 1 stone.. getting fit and hanging out with your friend.

There's no easy answer. If you feel that you just sit around doing nothing because that's what your friends do, but you'd really like to change, then you just need to spend less time with your friends. That doesn't mean you cut them out, it just means you make time for other things too.

You could try to encourage your friends to do thing that you'd like to try. But if they don't want to, then that shouldn't hold you back. Also if you joined something, say like a running club or something you would make more friends. Friends with similar interests to you.

You could still keep your old friends for hanging out with, but you'd also have a new group of friends to share your hobbies with.

whirlpool

AnonMouse wrote: »

I have felt like that a million times, and I still have days that I can't motivate myself. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, rather than imagining how you would be if you lost the weight. Write down your objectives on paper, so you have a clear plan of what you want to do. Write down your meals for the week, and stick to it.

I lost 4 stone a few years ago, and I went running on 2 consecutive days, rested the third day, and only ate 3 meals a day, with no junk food. It was extremely tough, but I started to enjoy it more when I saw the results. When I started running, I couldn't run very far, I was worried about how heavy I looked when I ran, and a whole range of other issues that put doubt in my mind if I should go running or not. Then I realised that people are so consumed by their own being, that they don't care how you look when you're exercising - their train of thought would be closer to "fair play to them for exercising"...FACT. If you really want to do it, you can. Everyone is their own worst enemy when it comes to things like that, myself included. And if you do have a set back with the diet, just accept it for what it is, rather than dwelling on it.

This is a very small tip, but something that has worked for me - when you get out of bed in the morning, make your bed before you do anything else. Do it nicely, and you will have achieved something for the day. Then, keep on trying to achieve something throughout the day, be it a run, staying away from your guilty indulgence, and if you have a crap day, at least you'll be going to bed in a nicely dressed bed.

You are capable of anything you put your mind to, we all are. We put restrictions on ourselves, and they are the only things that come between us and the things we want to achieve.

Wishing you the very best

What a great post! And congrats on your success with the diet and exercise.

whirlpool

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So technically the bit about your friends holding you back is irrelevant to your post because that's not what you want advice on? You want advice on how to motivate yourself to get out and do things?

Well getting fit takes 30 mins 3 times a week if you use the couch to 5k app. So if you can take half an hour away from your friend who has no interest in getting fit for half an hour every 2nd day, then that's a good start. Or better still ask him would he join you. Then you are killing 2 birds with the 1 stone.. getting fit and hanging out with your friend.

There's no easy answer. If you feel that you just sit around doing nothing because that's what your friends do, but you'd really like to change, then you just need to spend less time with your friends. That doesn't mean you cut them out, it just means you make time for other things too.

You could try to encourage your friends to do thing that you'd like to try. But if they don't want to, then that shouldn't hold you back. Also if you joined something, say like a running club or something you would make more friends. Friends with similar interests to you.

You could still keep your old friends for hanging out with, but you'd also have a new group of friends to share your hobbies with.

I'm not looking for advice on how to motivate myself to get out and do things, I'm looking to hear from people who have managed to get past a specific, perceived obstacle (in my case, the perceived obstacle being the lack of likemindedness I surround myself with) in order to make a substantial effort to achieve their goals. Your last three paragraphs addressed that. I guess the answer really is simple - as you suggested, to surround myself with more like-minded people who have similar aims.

I'm also just curious to hear from other people who recognised in themselves what I described in the op.

Big Bag of Chips

If you are looking for people to share their experiences with you, then you are in the wrong forum. Personal Issues is an advice forum not a discussion forum.

If you are looking for advice on how to get yourself out of the rut you seem to be stuck in we can leave your thread here.
If it is discussion you are looking for your thread should probably be moved to a more suitable forum.

Let me know what you want to do with it.

Rubberchikken

It is possible you have outgrown your friends.
If you find your goals have changed but your friends are stuck in a rut and unwilling to change then maybe you'll have to be a little selfish and think of yourself and what you want to achieve out of your life

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like you are blaming your own inaction on your friends.

Ask them if they'd be interested in a run or a hike.

If you want to run, run. If you don't want to eat crap and go boozing, don't. Stop blaming your mates

whirlpool

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

If you are looking for people to share their experiences with you, then you are in the wrong forum. Personal Issues is an advice forum not a discussion forum.

If you are looking for advice on how to get yourself out of the rut you seem to be stuck in we can leave your thread here.
If it is discussion you are looking for your thread should probably be moved to a more suitable forum.

Let me know what you want to do with it.

Do you have some sort of bizarre vendetta? I'm looking for advice from people who have been through what I've described. I specified three times that I'm seeking hints and tips. Your posts have been very odd.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Sounds like you are blaming your own inaction on your friends.

Ask them if they'd be interested in a run or a hike.

If you want to run, run. If you don't want to eat crap and go boozing, don't. Stop blaming your mates

Are you for real? I said the very opposite in the opening thread and have repeated it multiple times in further posts.

Absolutely bizarre comments and from posters who are tasked with moderation.

If you get an urge to make a passive aggressive post, please just don't.

Penny Tration

whirlpool wrote: »

Do you have some sort of bizarre vendetta? I'm looking for advice from people who have been through what I've described. Your posts have been very odd.



Are you for real? I said the very opposite in the opening thread and have repeated it multiple times in further posts.

Absolutely bizarre comments and from posters who are tasked with moderation.

If you get an urge to make a passive aggressive post, please just don't.

I can see where mr incognito is coming from, tbh.

In your first post, you mention wanting to tone up but having a slob friend. So what? Why not go to the gym alone?

If you are interested in self improvement and your friends aren't, do it yourself.

My friends are interested in drinking, clubbing, eating and shopping. I'm not. They're not something i would do rregularly. So i do my own things alone, and what they like with them. Pretty easy to balance.

whirlpool

green_screen wrote: »

I can see where mr incognito is coming from, tbh.

In your first post, you mention wanting to tone up but having a slob friend. So what? Why not go to the gym alone?

If you are interested in self improvement and your friends aren't, do it yourself.

My friends are interested in drinking, clubbing, eating and shopping. I'm not. They're not something i would do rregularly. So i do my own things alone, and what they like with them. Pretty easy to balance.

So, I say "It is 110% my responsibility" and I say "I am holding myself back" and I say "the responsibility is solely with me."

...and you can see why someone would respond with "Stop blaming the other people." ?

Absolute nonsense.

It has been entirely clear from the start that I took full responsibility and never put an ounce of blame on anyone else. The query from the very start has been a quest for advice on how to stop holding myself back. Ridiculous responses from some people, akin to trolling to be quite honest.

Penny Tration

whirlpool wrote: »

So, I say "It is 110% my responsibility" and I say "I am holding myself back" and I say "the responsibility is solely with me."

...and you can see why someone would respond with "Stop blaming the other people." ?

Absolute nonsense.

It has been entirely clear from the start that I took full responsibility and never put an ounce of blame on anyone else. The query from the very start has been a quest for advice on how to stop holding myself back. Ridiculous responses from some people, akin to trolling to be quite honest.

You say you take responsibility.

You also wonder how you can improve yourself, when your friends don't do it.

Contradictory statements really. So yes, I can see where he's coming from.

But I've given my 2c. You obviously have no interest in hearing anything critical, so I'll bow out of this thread now.

A good attitude can help a lot when seeking advice from people.

Pawn

whirlpool wrote: »

I have less than a handful of good friends and I am around them a lot. I became good friends with them at a time in my life when our goals were very similar. But now they don't share my current goals and because I'm around them a lot I'm finding myself staying a stage of inaction.

Decide between yourself and your goals and your friends. And remember, not every loss is a loss.

Good luck.

Big Bag of Chips

whirlpool wrote: »

I was going to post this in AH because it's not exactly a problem or a difficulty, but I decided to post if here instead because I'm looking for genuine responses.

To clarify the title... have you ever felt like you're holding yourself back by surrounding yourself with people who support your inaction in life?

This makes it sounds like you are looking for discussion - not personal advice.

My query is more about tips on motivating yourself

whirlpool wrote: »

I'm not looking for advice on how to motivate myself to get out and do things, I'm looking to hear from people who have managed to get past a specific, perceived obstacle

Your post is quite confusing as to what in fact you are asking. What's the difference between motivating yourself, and motivating yourself to get past the fact that your friends don't have the same interests as you? The end result is the same - you want to get out and do things.

I'm also just curious to hear from other people who recognised in themselves what I described in the op.

If you are curious to hear from people who recognise in themselves what you described, then you are in the wrong forum. Posters can offer you advice. Posters who stray into discussion risk moderator action. So I'm just letting you, and them know that general "Do you feel like your friends are holding you back?" discussion is not allowed in Personal Issues. You say: I was going to post this in AH because it's not exactly a problem or a difficulty, well Personal Issues is for posters with problems or difficulties. There are many other forums on Boards more suitable to your general discussion.

Tokyo

whirlpool - just so I'm 100% clear, you posted in the PI forum to hear the voices of others. While you may not agree with some of the responses you have received, fobbing them off as being "ridiculous", "trolling" and such will not be tolerated. If you can't respond maturely to people who have taken the time out of their lives to try and talk out your issue with you, then perhaps you should reconsider posting here. Any further responses along those lines will result in the thread being closed, as they indicate that you aren't interested in hearing what others have to say.

As an aside, Big Bag of Chips concern that your thread might be straddling the fence in terms of being general discussion is one shared by the entire PI mod team. PI is here to help you with your issue, it is not here as a group discussion for all of us to share our experiences. Any further responses of that nature to a mod request will be actioned.

Regards,
Mike

beks101

I find that we often limit or curtail ourselves in order to fit the social circle that we're in. I think instinctively as social creatures we're susceptible to this - as human beings mirroring each others' behaviour is just something that we do.

Not that it means you need to 'ditch your friends', but it certainly wouldn't do any harm if you attempted to make some new ones whose ambitions and aspirations are in line with your own. What's to stop you from joining a running group for example, or committing yourself to a Meet-up yoga class, or spinning class, or hiking event?

The approach I often took with exercise was it was something I *had* to do and it was going to be agonizing, boring, painful, annoying. Whereas in reality it's not - that's just the common perception out there and certainly among my group of friends over the years. I got into running a few years ago and through that made a few good friends who train for races regularly and for them it's like a lifeline - going for a run is as integral and important to their day as sleeping or eating is. When you're surrounded by that kind of attitude you can get sucked in too and 'normal' becomes getting up at 6am to run six miles instead of sleeping in til 11 and having no breakfast because you're too hungover. You need to seek a new 'normal'.

I also find that insecure and unhappy people can often consciously or unconsciously try to sabotage the efforts of people who are trying to better themselves. That goes for exercising, eating well and getting fit right through to following a career and finding success etc - people will always try to drag you down to their level to validate their own lives.

Ask yourself this: what kind of life do you want? How do you want to spend your relatively few years on this planet? Feeling good about yourself and maximizing your health, fulfilling your potential...or avoiding it because it's what everyone else seems to be doing? Are you capable of being your own person and doing the right thing for you, regardless of what anyone and everyone thinks?

Of course you are. You just have to make the decision to actually do it. No-one is responsible for your own happiness except for YOU.

Floppybits

whirlpool wrote: »

Thanks guys.

Yep, as I said in the OP, the responsibility is solely with me, and that it is me holding myself back.

My query is more about tips on motivating yourself when you've chosen to surround yourself with best friends who are really non-motivating (if that's a word) and you feel really non-motivated as a result. I'm just seeking some hints and tips. And also, have any of you ever felt like this before...

What you need to do at the start is set yourself an attainable goal, something you can achieve and then go do it, when that is done then set yourself another and another and before you know it you will surpassing all your goals.

Another thing is take a look around where you live and see what groups there are that you could join. Where I live the local athletics club have started this fit4life running sessions and the amount of women par-taking is massive and it is mainly women. Basically it is similar as the coach to 5k challenges only the coaches in the running in the club are there to guide anyone taking part in achieving the goals. So maybe you could see if there is something like that in your area and then if there is do it.

A lot of folks I know that want to loose weight or get involved in something are afraid to do it on their own, they want a friend or someone to go with them and if they cant find that someone then they wont go. You need to do it yourself and maybe then you can set the example to your friends.

Bafucin

whirlpool wrote: »

I was going to post this in AH because it's not exactly a problem or a difficulty, but I decided to post if here instead because I'm looking for genuine responses.

To clarify the title... have you ever felt like you're holding yourself back by surrounding yourself with people who support your inaction in life? For example... you want to get really fit, but your best friend who you spend a lot of time with is really out of shape and does no exercise and just eats junk food all the time. Or you've lost all interest in the nightlife but another best friend wants to go out all the time. And they're your best friends, so you're around them a lot, and you end up staying in your comfort zone, doing what they do and never really seriously going for your goals.

I have less than a handful of good friends and I am around them a lot. I became good friends with them at a time in my life when our goals were very similar. But now they don't share my current goals and because I'm around them a lot I'm finding myself staying a stage of inaction.

It's 110% my responsibility, I'm not querying that aspect of it. I'm simply wondering if any of you have felt similarly in the past or present and if you've any tips for motivating yourself to achieve your goals while surrounded by people who don't share them, and letting myself stay in inaction.

Your goals are your responsibility.

Are you saying though that your goals are not shared by your friends and you don't relate to them as well as a result? That's different.

You want friends who share your chosen path. That's natural. But it will not make your path easier.

But it might make your friendships easier.

But being around healthy people will not make you healthier.

And you will always have someone around not sharing your goal. Family who eat junk etc. Why should they share your lifestyle. It's yours.

Infact it makes you stand out from them. It gives you identity.

But you might need a few people who have a common goal.

TimeToShine

whirlpool wrote: »

I was going to post this in AH because it's not exactly a problem or a difficulty, but I decided to post if here instead because I'm looking for genuine responses.

To clarify the title... have you ever felt like you're holding yourself back by surrounding yourself with people who support your inaction in life? For example... you want to get really fit, but your best friend who you spend a lot of time with is really out of shape and does no exercise and just eats junk food all the time. Or you've lost all interest in the nightlife but another best friend wants to go out all the time. And they're your best friends, so you're around them a lot, and you end up staying in your comfort zone, doing what they do and never really seriously going for your goals.

I have less than a handful of good friends and I am around them a lot. I became good friends with them at a time in my life when our goals were very similar. But now they don't share my current goals and because I'm around them a lot I'm finding myself staying a stage of inaction.

It's 110% my responsibility, I'm not querying that aspect of it. I'm simply wondering if any of you have felt similarly in the past or present and if you've any tips for motivating yourself to achieve your goals while surrounded by people who don't share them, and letting myself stay in inaction.

I empathise with you 100%. The question here is what exactly are your goals? Getting fit is down to you. The next time you go to a gym or see people running take a look around; for every person there in a group or with a "gym buddy" there are 5 people slogging it out on their own. If fitness is your primary concern at this point in your life then I'm afraid your friends and their interests are blameless. Your motivation should be intrinsic - have you tried getting your slob friend to go to the gym with you? Inspiration works both ways you know - you can't expect your friends to constantly push you to try different things and not reciprocate.

I think if you outlined what you want to achieve it would be easier to help. Do you want to travel? Move? Take up a new hobby or sport? Identifying your goals is the first step to achieving them - regardless of who you hang around with.