Utterly confused over a guy... help?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I had an account but I decided I'd go anonymous for this. Apologies for the length but I feel it's necessary to explain the situation.

I met a guy off gaydar about a month and a half ago. We clicked immediately and for the last couple of weeks we've been seeing each other on a pretty regular basis. I was going under the assumption that at this point after a few weeks of seeing each other we were exclusive and it wouldn't be okay for either of us to have sex with someone else. However last night I found out he doesn't feel that way and if he got offered sex from a guy he found attractive, he wouldn't turn it down.

I feel really upset and confused over this. With the way we were acting I honestly felt like we were eventually going to be in a relationship and that it would be monogamous. However it looks like he's got a totally different view on things, he said he doesn't like to feel "restricted" by exclusivity. I still really like him a lot but I don't think I can put up with the thought of him having sex with other guys. He's going away for two weeks on Friday and I know it would be on my mind constantly.

I really don't know what to do. My stomach's in knots thinking about this. Am I overreacting or should I face the inevitable and end things? Any advice people have would be greatly appreciated.

Ten of Swords

Whether you stop seeing him or not is up to you but the most important thing right now is that you're both very clear about what your situation does and does not involve.

I understand why you're hurt but I have to say I can see the guys point of view here. Regardless of how unhappy you are about what he said, it doesn't sound like any ground rules were established or conversations about feelings etc were had once things began to progress. Your post doesn't mention it anyway.

Phrases like "I was under the assumption that..." and "I honestly felt that..." are full of uncertainty and unless you're both clear what you are doing then these are always minefields. Is he in it for NSA or is he looking for a boyfriend too? You both need to talk this out and then decide what you want to do. If he won't budge on his lack of exclusivity then you need to decide if you can handle that or if it's a dealbreaker. On the other hand if you tell him how you really feel then maybe things will be different.

You met him only six weeks ago, it is not a long time and expectation of exclusivity without actually talking about it is a pretty big leap of faith in my opinion.

Look, uncertainty is what's really bothering you in this situation. Don't get upset over something that may or may not happen ie, he might meet someone and might have sex with them. Talk it out, or else you're going to make yourself feel worse the longer it goes on.

floggg

OP, sit down and talk to him and ask him what he wants and expects from a relationship.

And ask yourself the same questions.

From the sounds of things, he may not be looking for a monogamous relationship. And it sounds like you are.

If it transpires you are looking for different things at the minute, then do both of yourselves a favour and call it quits now before you invest too much more in this.

While open relationships can work very well for some, if you feel sick thinking about him sleeping with somebody else, then an open relationship probably isn't for you (at the minute anyway).

Don't put yourself trough crap trying to put up with it just to make things work. It probably won't work out too well for either of you.

Enola Straight

confused_guy1 wrote: »

Hi everyone. I had an account but I decided I'd go anonymous for this. Apologies for the length but I feel it's necessary to explain the situation.

I met a guy off gaydar about a month and a half ago. We clicked immediately and for the last couple of weeks we've been seeing each other on a pretty regular basis. I was going under the assumption that at this point after a few weeks of seeing each other we were exclusive and it wouldn't be okay for either of us to have sex with someone else. However last night I found out he doesn't feel that way and if he got offered sex from a guy he found attractive, he wouldn't turn it down.

I feel really upset and confused over this. With the way we were acting I honestly felt like we were eventually going to be in a relationship and that it would be monogamous. However it looks like he's got a totally different view on things, he said he doesn't like to feel "restricted" by exclusivity. I still really like him a lot but I don't think I can put up with the thought of him having sex with other guys. He's going away for two weeks on Friday and I know it would be on my mind constantly.

I really don't know what to do. My stomach's in knots thinking about this. Am I overreacting or should I face the inevitable and end things? Any advice people have would be greatly appreciated.

To take the last point first, feelings are never an "overreaction" . The mistake seems to be that you made an incorrect assumption that he viewed the relationship as exclusive.

In other countries schools teach pupils how to deal with feeling and emotions, how to negotiate a relationship and how to find the right partner with whom to build a relationship. None of these things are taught in Irish schools, which is a pity as it's a crucial element in all our lives.

All you can do here is discuss this with your friend, and if he doesn't want a monogamous relationship, and you do, and it's a deal breaker for you, then thats a decision you will have to grapple with.

Having said that, it's a learning curve and, next time, hopefully you will have learned a valuable lesson about (i) not making assumptions and (ii) choosing the right partner who shares your views and values. If you do learn those lessons, this wil lprove to have been a very beneficial and valuable period.

Hunchback

floggg wrote: »

OP, sit down and talk to him and ask him what he wants and expects from a relationship.

And ask yourself the same questions.

From the sounds of things, he may not be looking for a monogamous relationship. And it sounds like you are.

If it transpires you are looking for different things at the minute, then do both of yourselves a favour and call it quits now before you invest too much more in this.

While open relationships can work very well for some, if you feel sick thinking about him sleeping with somebody else, then an open relationship probably isn't for you (at the minute anyway).

Don't put yourself trough crap trying to put up with it just to make things work. It probably won't work out too well for either of you.

This. Also, what if you were to start a monogamous relationship with this guy? His voice would always be in the back of your head, where he told you that he doesn't like to feel restricted by monogamous relationships, and that might lead to insecurity and a lack of trust.

You are in different places. It's not to say that these things cannot be overcome, but if he has been fairly straight up with you about how he views the situation, you would be advised to take heed. I'm sorry, I know it's not as easily said as done, but you have to protect yourself for the future.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone. Today we met up and I decided to end it with him. He was pretty clear the other night that he didn't want a relationship and to be monogamous and I was feeling the exact opposite. Both of us agreed today it would be unfair to ask either of us to compromise our views, which we both feel pretty strongly about.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting. I liked him a lot and I thought this would go somewhere but I can see the positives of ending it now before I got seriously hurt or not ending it and going along with a situation I know I wouldn't have been happy at all in the long run with and I can learn from experience so this doesn't happen again. Still hurts though.

J_E

confused_guy1 wrote: »

I was going under the assumption

With the way we were acting

I feel really upset and confused over this. I honestly felt like we were eventually going to be in a relationship and that it would be monogamous. However it looks like he's got a totally different view on things, he said he doesn't like to feel "restricted" by exclusivity. I still really like him a lot but I don't think I can put up with the thought of him having sex with other guys. He's going away for two weeks on Friday and I know it would be on my mind constantly.

You learned a lesson. If you are looking for exclusivity you have to discuss it and make yourself known from the start and shouldn't expect the other person to assume this is what you want. People have varying attitudes on being monogamous, 'monogamish', or completely free from commitments. He has at least stated to you know he feels on such matters, and isn't it better that you know it upfront than keeping up a facade of commitment while he continues to play with others?

I'm sorry you got hurt though. It's not easy being suddenly hit with a realisation that it's not going to work out.

Rick_

Like you said, lesson learned, and it won't hurt as much now as it would have several months down the line. Just make sure in the future you are quite clear (perhaps even have it in your profile text) that you are looking for a monogamous relationship with the right guy and it will stop you being contacted or led on by guys who want the opposite, of which on dating sites there are many.

lyinghere

confused_guy1 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies everyone. Today we met up and I decided to end it with him. He was pretty clear the other night that he didn't want a relationship and to be monogamous and I was feeling the exact opposite. Both of us agreed today it would be unfair to ask either of us to compromise our views, which we both feel pretty strongly about.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hurting. I liked him a lot and I thought this would go somewhere but I can see the positives of ending it now before I got seriously hurt or not ending it and going along with a situation I know I wouldn't have been happy at all in the long run with and I can learn from experience so this doesn't happen again. Still hurts though.

Definitely the right decision and a congrats in some ways because I reckon a surprising number of people might have not been able to make it despite all the indicators telling you to do so. Hope you feel better soon.

Locker10a

confused_guy1 wrote: »

Hi everyone. I had an account but I decided I'd go anonymous for this. Apologies for the length but I feel it's necessary to explain the situation.

I met a guy off gaydar about a month and a half ago. We clicked immediately and for the last couple of weeks we've been seeing each other on a pretty regular basis. I was going under the assumption that at this point after a few weeks of seeing each other we were exclusive and it wouldn't be okay for either of us to have sex with someone else. However last night I found out he doesn't feel that way and if he got offered sex from a guy he found attractive, he wouldn't turn it down.

I feel really upset and confused over this. With the way we were acting I honestly felt like we were eventually going to be in a relationship and that it would be monogamous. However it looks like he's got a totally different view on things, he said he doesn't like to feel "restricted" by exclusivity. I still really like him a lot but I don't think I can put up with the thought of him having sex with other guys. He's going away for two weeks on Friday and I know it would be on my mind constantly.

I really don't know what to do. My stomach's in knots thinking about this. Am I overreacting or should I face the inevitable and end things? Any advice people have would be greatly appreciated.

Really sorry to hear how you are feeling, i understand it totally, but I have onr word for you, GAYDAR !! Never expect anything other than nsa from anything online unless it has been made crystal clear that the other guy is interested in something more