Feeling uncomfotable at home

LegacyUser

i’ve lived in a rented house for almost two years now. I’ve lived with one girl the entire time and her friend came to live with us about a year ago. It’s quite a small house. I really loved it when I moved in. I was never really good friends with the girls. We have different
lifestyles and I always did my own thing. I probably socialised with them 3 or 4 times, often hung out and chatted at home. I saw them as housemates and it worked grand.

Mid last year, I came out of a very tough relationship. It literally took everything I had. I also became very unwell at the time. Everyone around me knew things weren’t ok, I had to leave a lot of people in to help. Initially, I would have relied on my housemates a bit but not overly much. After a couple of weeks, I just carried on as normal with them, still very pleasant. Even if I was dying on the inside, I would go and ask how the day was and smile before going to my bedroom to rest.

I kept working through things and started feeling much better in myself. I’ve a load of new hobbies, interests and I’m trying to meet new people. I look better than I used to and I’m beginning to feel good. I’m very busy and getting things back together. I have always been respectful, kind and caring towards the girls in my house and I have always minded my own business.

Since before Christmas there has been an atmosphere in the house. I’ve started feeling very uncomfortable. One of the girls, started insisting we make sure lights are turned off and doors are closed to keep bills down. I thought it was fair enough. As I was not feeling great, I went along with it until it got to a point where I’d feel really bad if I walked into a room and left a door open behind me. It used to be the case that we would cook in the kitchen and leave the door open to chat but I began to feel terrible if the door was left open. I would get text messages about lights being left on. In fairness, I wouldn’t leave them on that much – no more than the other girls.

In the evenings when I went home one of them would barely talk to me. I thought grand, she must be tired after work and left her to her devices and did my own thing. The other girl went for a week ignoring me in the mornings – as in I’d say hi and she wouldn’t respond. Over the space of two months, I directly said “ X, is there a problem” she said no. The third time, she told me I had become an introvert. I really didn’t know what to say to this.

When I got back from being away recently, some of the stuff I have left in the sitting room was outside my bedroom door. My room is by the front door so it was the first thing I saw when I came in. If I leave something in the sitting room, its usually left where it is. Completely felt like I am being pushed out. Came back last week and all my plants and things in the garden were organised into one spot, away from everything else.

There has been many more little incidents and I have confronted one on a couple of minor things. Nothing untoward, I was really direct. I think what I am saying sounds really petty and the examples aren't outrageous or anything ...but at the moment one of the girls is all but not speaking to me.

I feel completely paranoid and mad. Part of my thinks I am reading into things. However, I’m not crazy. If I feel this way – surely something has to be going on.
Since I’ve acknowledged how I’m feeling in the situation – I’m ready to just leave. I’m exhausted from feeling this way at home.

I don’t know why I’m writing it here. Just to get it out to get an unbiased opinion. Also, my lease was up ages ago and not renewed. How much notice do I need to give? I know it’s usually a month. I’m just so uncomfortable and unhappy there at this stage and fed up with myself that I put up with it for so long.

Tokyo

It's possible that your depression after your breakup and your reliance on your housemates may have had a far greater impact on both you, and your housemates than you realise. But to be honest, whatever the reasons, if you feel that uncomfortable in your own home then realistically I think that you should consider finding somewhere else to live. You've asked them outright if there is a problem that can be rectified and they have said no, yet you still feel pushed out and walking on eggshells every time you are home. Give your month's notice and look for somewhere you'd be more comfortable, be it on your own, or sharing with somebody new.

clandestine72

Hi,

I have lived in a good few house shares and this happened to me a couple of times. In the first house it was a girl who had been living there a couple of years with her boyfriend, plus there was another guy living there. For whatever reason, probably insecurity because I was friendly with everyone, including her boyfriend, she gradually began to do the same kinds of things as your flatmates, making me feel uncomfortable in a place I was paying for. I eventually played her at her own game and she and her bloke moved out, much to my satisfactionl. What is much harder for you is that these two girls are friends, and once one decides 'three's a crowd', it isn't usually that difficult to point out every trivial fault so that the other one follows her lead. I also had this situation when I lived abroad, the girls started to go supermarket shopping without me (I couldn't drive and we usually used the car for big shops) in the car which our boss had given for all of our use. It was uncomfortable and awful, and in that situation I had to leave because they were isolating me more and more. The fault isn't with you, they sound petty, childish and possibly insecure about your new interests/looks etc. Get out of there before they erode your new self-confidence and leave them to it. Good luck x

Merkin

I think when it escalates to the level of passive aggression that is being demonstrated then it is time to move out. You basically have two options:

a. You call a house meeting and confront this head on (But I don't think you're going to get answers)

b. You move out

I'd be going with option B and make a fresh start elsewhere

AnonMouse

Firstly, fair play to you for being direct with them about asking if they had an issue with you. I can't stand passive aggression, and that is what they are using as a way of getting to you.

In my opinion, your only option is to move out - it sounds too far gone at this stage, and why would you subject yourself to that kind of treatment anyway!

Give them a taste of their own medicine with the passive aggression - your lease is up, so don't say anything to them, don't give them any notice, and just move out. Let them deal with the repercussions of their horrible actions.

Rubberchikken

I'd say for your own sake, just move on.
They really dont sound worth bothering about.

Well done on coming out of what sounds like a really tough time.
Good luck

Stavro Mueller

AnonMouse wrote: »

Firstly, fair play to you for being direct with them about asking if they had an issue with you. I can't stand passive aggression, and that is what they are using as a way of getting to you.

In my opinion, your only option is to move out - it sounds too far gone at this stage, and why would you subject yourself to that kind of treatment anyway!

Give them a taste of their own medicine with the passive aggression - your lease is up, so don't say anything to them, don't give them any notice, and just move out. Let them deal with the repercussions of their horrible actions.

While the evil part of me loves the idea of just fecking off and leaving them in the lurch, it might mean you don't get your deposit back?

Definitely start looking around for somewhere else to live though. It's not going to do you any good to continue living in a bad atmosphere like this.

AlanS181824

Such great advice has been given already which I can't really improve on but what I will say is hope everything works out for you OP and always remember to keep your head up

Don't let those who aren't even worth your time get to you!

LegacyUser

Being honest, I'd say that you've under-estimated how your form as a house-mate affected the others after your break-up, and they didn't have the heart to say it to you at the time. It sounds like that might have festered, and now they're badly communicating that they're not comfortable with your interaction (possible lack of interaction, or awkward interaction?) with them.

I think you need a sit-down chat with them, or else bite the bullet and move out. Maybe I'm misreading your post, but it sounds like you were only passing acquaintances with your housemates, yet you jumped into relying on them. That's an awkward situation - doesn't sound like they even knew you much at that stage, so perhaps they feel that you've overstepped the mark?

Personally, I wouldn't mind belongings left in the living area, but it if is a sharing environment where ye pass as ships in the night, without much connection, then I don't think it's appropriate to leave personal things in the living area. Maybe this is a separate issue?