sex before marriage

hobbitman

can I get some opinions please,

my boyfriend of 10 years and I use to have a normal sex life until he started reading the bible, and watching documentaries online and now he has decided he wants to stop having sex until marriage... Is that selfish of him, or am I the selfish one for not wanting this. I wish things could go back to the way they were..

hobbitman

I forgot to mention, he is very religious and because we met when we were 14 he didn't realise how important sex before marriage was to him

uck51js9zml2yt

From a biblical perspective, sex outside of marriage is seen as wrong.
So he's not the one whose being selfish.

hobbitman

Cyrus Tasteless Yo-yo wrote: »

From a biblical perspective, sex outside of marriage is seen as wrong.
So he's not the one whose being selfish.

Yes but we never talked about it, discussed it properly together he just decided to himself without talking to me about it first.

uck51js9zml2yt

hobbitman wrote: »

Yes but we never talked about it, discussed it properly together he just decided to himself without talking to me about it first.

He's obeying the Word of God. He probably should have discussed it with you but he doesn't need your permission to obey God.

Un Croissant

Not consulting you on something that effects both of you - I'd leave him off. Next he will decide not to use protection and have you preggers. Etc etc.

shruikan2553

Sorting himself out is also a sin so I give it a week.

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

can I get some opinions please,

my boyfriend of 10 years and I use to have a normal sex life until he started reading the bible, and watching documentaries online and now he has decided he wants to stop having sex until marriage... Is that selfish of him, or am I the selfish one for not wanting this. I wish things could go back to the way they were..

A personal question but are you yourself religious?

SeantheMan

Un Croissant wrote: »

Not consulting you on something that effects both of you - I'd leave him off. Next he will decide not to use protection and have you preggers. Etc etc.

Your boyfriend is the selfish one.
Something like that should of course be discussed in any relationship, especially because it's a complete change...affects you both...and you've been together 10 years.

I also agree with Un Croissant, that if he decides to pick and choose rules from that book, then it could go all kinds of places.

Firewalkwithme

This seems like a subject that would be more suited to the Relationship Issues forum than the Christianity forum.

My take on this is that if he is having issues regarding sex with you now that he previously did not have, marriage will not change that.

Turtwig

Relationship is a two way affair. Both parties get input. The way your boyfriend acted was selfish. Ok, he might not want to do something for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean he gets absolute dictation on the matter. He should have discussed stuff with you first.

obplayer

SeantheMan wrote: »

Your boyfriend is the selfish one.
Something like that should of course be discussed in any relationship, especially because it's a complete change...affects you both...and you've been together 10 years.

I also agree with Un Croissant, that if he decides to pick and choose rules from that book, then it could go all kinds of places.

Well pointed out.

GarIT

I'd be questioning how serious he could start to take his new found marriage, he might decide that he can't marry you because you're not a virgin next.

Is there actually anything in the bible that forbids sex outside of marriage?

hobbitman

Cyrus Tasteless Yo-yo wrote: »

He's obeying the Word of God. He probably should have discussed it with you but he doesn't need your permission to obey God.

No he doesn't need my permission to obey god, and I would never get in the way of that.

endacl

I'd play him at his own game op.

Your Toolkit

hobbitman

obplayer wrote: »

A personal question but are you yourself religious?

I am religious, but not as religious as him. You see we met when we were 14 and after 2 years we started to have sex And as the years went on The more religious he became ... When I Talk to him about it he tells me he wants to respect me and my body until were maried ..

endacl

Hi OP. Just out of interest, and none of my business.

Based on your username, are you your boyfriend's boyfriend?

The bible has some weird ideas about that too...

hobbitman

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

This seems like a subject that would be more suited to the Relationship Issues forum than the Christianity forum.

My take on this is that if he is having issues regarding sex with you now that he previously did not have, marriage will not change that.

I approciate your reply but I don't think you get where I'm coming from, this has everything got to do with religion

Un Croissant

endacl wrote: »

Hi OP. Just out of interest, and none of my business.

Based on your username, are you your boyfriend's boyfriend?

The bible has some weird ideas about that too...

Was wondering that myself. A bit of a Sam/Frodo situation perhaps?

hobbitman

endacl wrote: »

Hi OP. Just out of interest, and none of my business.

Based on your username, are you your boyfriend's boyfriend?

The bible has some weird ideas about that too...

Lol no I'm a girl, its just a joke how I came up with the name

endacl

hobbitman wrote: »

Lol no I'm a girl, its just a joke how I came up with the name

And are you a girl human, or a girl hobbit...?

Un Croissant

You don't want to start down a slippery slope OP. Have a chat about what he expects from you. You don't want to be stoned for touching his brother, even in your BFs defence, or segregating yourself during your period.

hobbitman

endacl wrote: »

And are you a girl human, or a girl hobbit...?

human I hope!

Firewalkwithme

hobbitman wrote: »

I approciate your reply but I don't think you get where I'm coming from, this has everything got to do with religion

No it doesn't have everything to do with religion. It may have something to do with it but not everything.

My point is that marriage does not change people. He may be using religion as an excuse for many things, I'll leave you to work out the possibilities yourself but many men hide it well.

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

I am religious, but not as religious as him. You see we met when we were 14 and after 2 years we started to have sex And as the years went on The more religious he became ... When I Talk to him about it he tells me he wants to respect me and my body until were maried ..

Well if he is basing his views on the Bible you might try the following link
http://infidels.org/library/modern/jim_meritt/bible-contradictions.html#cruel

Also, as another post has said, where in the Bible does it say that sex before marriage is wrong? You could also start by trying to define marriage.
But at the end of the day this is going to have to be your choice. I wish you well in it.

endacl

hobbitman wrote: »

human I hope!

I'd second what Un Croissant said above. It's his belief. It may not be yours.

Try demanding that you both adhere to ever single little last rule and prohibition in the bible. Pay particular attention to Deuteronomy and Leviticus.

See who snaps first at the ridiculousness of it all.

GarIT

He said he will respect your body so the problem is solved, if he respected your body you'd be getting it from him.

Turtwig

Folks, this a personal issue. Do NOT turn this is into a critique or analysis of the bible!

Posts may be deleted with extreme prejudice.

Thread, may also be moved to personal issues.Still deciding. ...

hobbitman

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

No it doesn't have everything to do with religion. It may have something to do with it but not everything.

My point is that marriage does not change people. He may be using religion as an excuse for many things, I'll leave you to work out the possibilities yourself but many men hide it well.

we've talked about all that trust me And he said he only wants to respect me. I think if he wanted to leave me he would of done that by now, I mean We've no children together. I want people's views on sex before marriage .. that's religion.

hobbitman

Turtwig wrote: »

Folks, this a personal issue. Do NOT turn this is into a critique or analysis of the bible!

Posts may be deleted with extreme prejudice.

Thread, may also be moved to personal issues.Still deciding. ...

how is this a personal issue , when I want to know people's views on sex before marriage Which is a sin in the bible? Should I be more understanding, more religious?

Firewalkwithme

hobbitman wrote: »

we've talked about all that trust me And he said he only wants to respect me. I think if he wanted to leave me he would of done that by now, I mean We've no children together. I want people's views on sex before marriage .. that's religion.

Sorry that I have to spell this out so clearly and bluntly but I wasn't talking about him wanting to leave you. That could be the last thing he wants because it could be a possibilty that he is in the closet and he is ashamed to come out.

endacl

hobbitman wrote: »

how is this a personal issue , when I want to know people's views on sex before marriage Which is a sin in the bible? Should I be more understanding, more religious?

You should do what's right for you. Not what a load of anonymous posters think you should do.

My view? If you're both happy with sex before marriage, or no sex before marriage, grand. Best of luck.

If he isn't, and you are, you've got a problem. If the relationship is important to you both, you need to talk about it. He appears to be presenting you with an absolute. Absolutes don't work in relationships, and relationships built on absolutes don't work.

This will involve one or the other of you compromising completely on your position. There's no such thing a 'just a bit of no sex before marriage'. Either he gives in, or you agree to abide by his way of thinking.

What do you want?

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

how is this a personal issue , when I want to know people's views on sex before marriage Which is a sin in the bible? Should I be more understanding, more religious?

Turtwig, the OP seems to be asking us to debate it from a religious perspective.
OP, I'll ask again, at the risk of a ban, where does it say in the Bible you two should not be having sex? Perhaps you could start from there.

hobbitman

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

Sorry that I have to spell this out so clearly and bluntly but I wasn't talking about him wanting to leave you. That could be the last thing he wants because it could be a possibilty that he is in the closet and he is ashamed to come out.

No, trust me he is far from gay.

Firewalkwithme

hobbitman wrote: »

No, trust me he is far from gay.

Many women have said the same thing about their husbands.

hobbitman

endacl wrote: »

You should do what's right for you. Not what a load of anonymous posters think you should do.

My view? If you're both happy with sex before marriage, or no sex before marriage, grand. Best of luck.

If he isn't, and you are, you've got a problem. If the relationship is important to you both, you need to talk about it. He appears to be presenting you with an absolute. Absolutes don't work in relationships, and relationships built on absolutes don't work.

This will involve one or the other of you compromising completely on your position. There's no such thing a 'just a bit of no sex before marriage'. Either he gives in, or you agree to abide by his way of thinking.

What do you want?

Thank you, Your post has really helped me a lot. I love him And I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and if that means no sex so be it. I do see where he is coming from we were both really young when we met and the more we got older the more he was reading the bible And watching documentaries. When I ask him "why" He just says He respects me So much and That sex is a beautiful thing between two married people

Firewalkwithme

hobbitman wrote: »

Thank you, Your post has really helped me a lot. I love him And I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and if that means no sex so be it. I do see where he is coming from we were both really young when we met and the more we got older the more he was reading the bible And watching documentaries. When I ask him "why" He just says He respects me So much and That sex is a beautiful thing between two married people

You say you met at a young age. How old are you now?

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

Thank you, Your post has really helped me a lot. I love him And I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and if that means no sex so be it. I do see where he is coming from we were both really young when we met and the more we got older the more he was reading the bible And watching documentaries. When I ask him "why" He just says He respects me So much and That sex is a beautiful thing between two married people

Well then how about a genuine, real compromise. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him then marry him. I married my wife many years ago, and I should add that I am atheist, and we are still happily together.
You come across as a decent thoughtful person. I wish you all the best.

hobbitman

obplayer wrote: »

Turtwig, the OP seems to be asking us to debate it from a religious perspective.
OP, I'll ask again, at the risk of a ban, where does it say in the Bible you two should not be having sex? Perhaps you could start from there.

In the New Testament it has a passage about "sexual Immorality" I don't know the passage off hand But it does mention it in the bible

endacl

hobbitman wrote: »

Thank you, Your post has really helped me a lot. I love him And I do want to spend the rest of my life with him and if that means no sex so be it. I do see where he is coming from we were both really young when we met and the more we got older the more he was reading the bible And watching documentaries. When I ask him "why" He just says He respects me So much and That sex is a beautiful thing between two married people

If that works for you, best of luck with it.

You two really should talk about it though. He has to understand that this was a decision you really had to think about, not just a requirement of his that you accepted. Explain to him why it's a difficult and important decision for you.

Also, reserve the right to revisit your decision. Maybe not necessarily to change it, just to think about it in the context of wherever you two are at in the future.

And don't be gettin' married just to get 'de ride'! That's never ended well!

rocoso

oh ....if you are of the religious sort then sort that why ask questions here and waste evereybodys time .....do you not know your own mind

hobbitman

endacl wrote: »

If that works for you, best of luck with it.

You two really should talk about it though. He has to understand that this was a decision you really had to think about, not just a requirement of his that you accepted. Explain to him why it's a difficult and important decision for you.

Also, reserve the right to revisit your decision. Maybe not necessarily to change it, just to think about it in the context of wherever you two are at in the future.

And don't be gettin' married just to get 'de ride'! That's never ended well!

no sex isn't everything there's more important things in life and I trust him I'm just upset at the fact he never talked to me about it he just presumed I would be ok with it and he made all the decisions

hobbitman

rocoso wrote: »

oh ....if you are of the religious sort then sort that why ask questions here and waste evereybodys time .....do you not know your own mind

because it's good to talk to people about it and get their opinion (even if it's a bad one) But thank You for wasting 5mins of your life to reply to me

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

In the New Testament it has a passage about "sexual Immorality" I don't know the passage off hand But it does mention it in the bible

No offense but it does seem as if you should be reading the Bible to understand what you believe. You may find the Bible is not what you expected.
Just a thought.

Firewalkwithme

hobbitman wrote: »

no sex isn't everything there's more important things in life and I trust him I'm just upset at the fact he never talked to me about it he just presumed I would be ok with it and he made all the decisions

Don't expect anything to change if and when you marry. If that's how he is now, he will always be that way and if you show him that you are submissive enough to do as he says whether you like it or not you are in for one hell of a miserable life together.

hobbitman

obplayer wrote: »

No offense but it does seem as if you should be reading the Bible to understand what you believe. You may find the Bible is not what you expected.
Just a thought.

I believe there is a god , but I never really looked past that

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

I believe there is a god , but I never really looked past that

Then perhaps you should. That is all I really have to say, your boyfriend is using the Bible for his decision to not have sex with you. It seems to me that you should learn the Bible, if only to properly understand where he is coming from.

hobbitman

obplayer wrote: »

No offense but it does seem as if you should be reading the Bible to understand what you believe. You may find the Bible is not what you expected.
Just a thought.

I believe there is a god , but I never really looked past that

obplayer

obplayer wrote: »

Then perhaps you should. That is all I really have to say, your boyfriend is using the Bible for his decision to not have sex with you. It seems to me that you should learn the Bible, if only to properly understand where he is coming from.

You could at least then debate it on an equal basis.

hobbitman

obplayer wrote: »

You could at least then debate it on an equal basis.

that's what I want to do. I want to see where he's coming from

obplayer

hobbitman wrote: »

that's what I want to do. I want to see where he's coming from

OP, I have to go to bed now, I will check tomorrow evening for posts and if I can help you with how to learn the Bible I will. And I won't stick to atheist sites. To be honest, even as a confirmed atheist it is about time I learned more about what I am assured is one of the finest pieces of English Literature ever produced.