Don't want to hurt my friend what should I do?

anonanon103

I am between a rock and a hard place. My friend and I had planned to go away to a sporting event at the end of this month but now I want to back out. she has more of an interest in this sport than I do and we were there last year. While it was fun and nothing wrong with it, I am struggling with social anxiety and anxiety issues for the past year and I am finding it hard at the minute being away from home and mixing in the big bad world. My friend is aware of this but doesnt know how bad these issues are and I would prefer not to say too much to her as she doesnt understand anyway and I feel I am too vulnerable to open up at the moment.
The problem is she is really looking forward to it and planning everything but I dont have the courage to say I have changed my mind because I dont want to loose her as a friend or let her down. I dont know what to do or where to go from here, please advise

Y2KBOS86

Just go.

You can give yourself a pat on the back and say, 'That was cool. That made me feel good' when your done.

anonanon103

I am actually sick with worry over what to do, the thoughts of going are terrifying me, I really do not want to go but I dont know what to do

LegacyUser

2 years ago I pulled out of something I'd agreed to go to with my cousin. She'd already booked the flights and hotels and all. She was very nice about it but since things things aren't the same between us.

Is it possible for someone else to go on the trip with your friend if you can't face it?

Cathmandooo

You say she doesn't understand so you won't open up about it, but she's not going to understand unless you open up. Go talk to her. Be honest. Lying to her or making it sound like you just changed your mind on a whim will annoy her and will put your friendship at risk. Keep an open mind about going, see how your conversation with her goes first.

anonanon103

At the minute I cant even stay away from my house for longet than 4 hours because of my social anxiety how am I going to survive 3 days in another country

coolcat63

You need to tell your friend that you have a problem, as difficult as it may be, to allow her to try and find someone else to take your place. Have you spoken to your GP about this or sought other help?

SATSUMA

Might be time to get professional advice on this ie a therapist, GP, Psychiatrist... You may feel differently when you address your difficulty.

Sorry you are feeling so bad.

Chucky the tree

The longer you leave it and don't say anything the more pissed off your friend will be when you finally tell her. Are you just planning on not turning up on the airport on the day or something? Suck it up and tell her.

Rubberchikken

Tell her why you cant.
You owe that to her and to yourself.

December2012

Are you getting treatment for this problem?

I find that if somebody's problem affects me and they are doing something about it I don't mind if it affects me. But if they're not then I have less sympathy, understanding and compassion.

Zen65

anonanon103 wrote: »

At the minute I cant even stay away from my house for longet than 4 hours because of my social anxiety how am I going to survive 3 days in another country

You may feel that you are not strong or brave enough to go just now, but bravery does not come first, it comes second. If you go, and try to enjoy it, you will be surprised at how brave you can be in that situation. In fact in many ways it could be the catalyst that helps you to overcome your anxiety. Through taking that action you may begin to feel brave again.

I do think you owe it to your friend to explain how you feel though, so that when you do go with her she understands why you may be hesitant and need some support.

Zen65

anonanon103 wrote: »

At the minute I cant even stay away from my house for longet than 4 hours because of my social anxiety how am I going to survive 3 days in another country

Being in another country can actually help, I think. Especially if they speak another language. It's a kind of 'time-out' from the routine which has given rise to the anxiety in the first instance.

zxcvbnm1

Zen65 wrote: »

Being in another country can actually help, I think. Especially if they speak another language. It's a kind of 'time-out' from the routine which has given rise to the anxiety in the first instance.

The above may work - but it may not.

There's a time to push yourself - and there's a time to know your limitations. Knowing when to use each strategy is tricky.

OP - ultimately you know best yourself what call to make.
If you feel you can't do it - or that you would be stressed out over the next few weeks then it's certainly not worth that.

If you need to back out then be honest with your friend. I'm sure she will understand - and it will be a weight off your shoulders in that you're not lying to her - and also it's a problem shared.

I would suggest getting professional assistance in treating your anxiety.

Merkin

Y2KBOS86 wrote: »

Just go.

You can give yourself a pat on the back and say, 'That was cool. That made me feel good' when your done.

I completely disagree. Your condition sounds crippling and while it's admirable to fall on your sword from time to time, you need to look after yourself on this occasion. However, this should also be with the proviso that:

a. You are 100% honest with your friend. Tell them you are not feeling up to it, that you wanted to give them lots of time to find a replacement etc and essentially treat them fairly, and

b. You endeavour to be proactive in the treatment of this condition so that it doesn't impinge on your life or the lives of others around you again. Get yourself referred for some CBT as a matter of priority.

Hope you feel better soon.

cloudatlas

Be careful O.P. in my experience these things can cause a bigger rift than they should due to lost money and hurt feelings.

Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for the sake of friendship. As others said you should talk to her see if you could give your ticket free of charge to another of her friends or reach a compromise where you only spend a short time at the event. Nothing will be solved unless you talk to her.

Besides that it sounds like you need to get counselling if you haven't already sought it out.

Jimmy Bottlehead

You can also go, but limit how much you're out. For example, explaining to your friend that as you're extremely anxious, so you may need to go home early if it gets too much.

If you do decide to go, don't feel obligated to torture yourself needlessly. Just go, test your boundaries a little, try to enjoy it, and then take a time-out when you need to. Your friend should understand that.

RossFixxxed

I have to echo what others said here. Your anxiety is now a real issue in your life. It is degrading your quality of living and having a severely adverse effect on what's happening in your life. A fun holiday, or even venturing out of the house should not make you feel like this at all. Believe me, myself and others on here can relate.

You need to firstly sit down and tell your friend, or show them th is thread. They are your friend, they will be concerned and want to help.

Go to your GP. There IS help out there, there is things that can and do help! I promise. I went from where you are now (even not leaving the house for food and starving all day) to walking in the Himalays with the Discovery channel! Serious contrast there. HOWEVER, these things can sometimes be chronic, and I have very bad days at times (like today) but I know it's not always like this, and I can gradually make better decisions about what I want to go to and what I should probably avoid.

Talking about it with my friends who were wondering why I'm not attending parties etc made a HUGE difference. They understand, and want me to get better for ME, not for a holiday or whatever.

You CAN be on the mend OP, it's not easy, it's not fun sometimes, it does seem now to be impossible I'm sure. But if I can get on the road, so can you. It's a tough fight, but one that you will benefit for.

anonanon103

Thank you all so much for your help. I do and will speak to my friend about this. From reading all your posts and speaking to my mam maybe a holiday wouldnt be too much harm. It is only over to the uk so not overly far and I have been here before so am somewhat familiar with the routine. My friend is aware I have issues, any night out I have had with her over the past year I always go home early as I also suffer from an eating disorder with leaves me very tired. This has also had an impact on my decision to go to this event.

Besides all that, as I stated I do get tired easy and do not like to stay at a place for too long. We are planning on going to this event form approx 7am and she wants to stay all day. Would I be a very very bad friend if I left in the evening on my own if I felt it was all a bit too much? I know I would be leaving her at such an event in a strange city alone but on the other side she has been there before last year and has more of an interest in the sport then me so would appreciate it more. What are your thoughts on this?
In saying that we both may have had enough and leave round 4 but I just want to prepare myself anyway. Thanks again

December2012

In my honest opinion yes you would be a bad friend to leave her early.

Every other time you are together she understands. She might not understand this one time, particularly as you have not told her how you are feeling about this trip.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I understand your difficulties. I live with someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, so I completely understand how this might seem like the biggest mountain you will ever have to climb. But which ever way you look at it, you will be letting your friend down if you don't at least try to enjoy the trip away.

What I mean by that is, your brain thinks differently to other's. What you have to do is start convincing yourself that you are actually going to be fine on this trip. Nothing bad will happen. You are going away, with your friend who cares about you, to an event that you are both going to enjoy. It is going to be a good weekend. You need to try control your thoughts and steer your brain away from thinking all the "what ifs" and move to "I'm really going to enjoy this. It'll be good for me. The break will do me good. My friend has always been so good to me and understanding. This is my turn to show her I appreciate her."

I know right now you are thinking "easy for you to say", and you're right, it is easy for me to say. But that is because I live with this every day. I know that all the fears and anxieties the person in my life has are pointless. They are worrying over lots of things that will never happen.. and even if something does happen, it's always manageable.

It is a very very difficult place to be. It is a horrible place to be, but you can talk yourself into anxiety by stressing over 'what ifs'. That is where you need to work on breaking your thought patterns. People have mentioned CBT. Have you ever been?

I 100% understand how difficult this is for you. But your friend has been good to you. Is as understanding as she can be with how much information you've given her. This is your turn to thank her. If it means pushing yourself to do something you are uncomfortable with, but realising you came out of it the other side, then I think it would be really worth it.

Don't let your thoughts control you. You should work on controlling your thoughts. Let the logical part of you kick in and keep telling yourself you are determined to enjoy the event. Take a few minutes out in a quiet corner to bring yourself back down if you need to. But I genuinely do feel, after promising your friend you would go with her, you need to do everything you can to ensure you do go. And most importantly that you come back from there proud of yourself that you pushed yourself and tested yourself... And passed with flying colours!

Good luck to you, OP. I hope you don't think I am trivialising your condition. But the person I live with is very very logical. So they know that what they are feeling and thinking isn't actually real. So they make a real and very genuine effort to convince themselves that everything is in fact ok... Because everything is in fact ok!!

Lou.m

anonanon103 wrote: »

I am between a rock and a hard place. My friend and I had planned to go away to a sporting event at the end of this month but now I want to back out. she has more of an interest in this sport than I do and we were there last year. While it was fun and nothing wrong with it, I am struggling with social anxiety and anxiety issues for the past year and I am finding it hard at the minute being away from home and mixing in the big bad world. My friend is aware of this but doesnt know how bad these issues are and I would prefer not to say too much to her as she doesnt understand anyway and I feel I am too vulnerable to open up at the moment.
The problem is she is really looking forward to it and planning everything but I dont have the courage to say I have changed my mind because I dont want to loose her as a friend or let her down. I dont know what to do or where to go from here, please advise

Arrange for someone else to go in your place?

You would need to tell her how bad the issues are if you are going to not go though or else she will be hurt.

Or go and just do it you will be fine. You are stronger than you think.

Let her know and she can support you while you are away.

Starokan

Sometimes you need to be a little bit selfish op and this is the time, you need to look after yourself , if going to this event is causing that much anxiety then just pull out.

Do it as soon as you can and be honest with your friend as to why, she will understand

Bafucin

I respect your issue is tough. I am not going to demean it. But are you going to let your problem control your life and stop you doing things forever?

I think if you don't go be honest about why you owe her that.

But it could be cold feet. You know it is the anticipation that is getting you. When you go you will wonder what the fear was. It will not be half as bad as the waiting and worrying. Stop worrying about it. I know that seems useless to your issue but I wanted to say it.

If you can't go then don't feel guilty just explain. If you feel it is going to push you to a place that would damage you don't.

But you need to address your problem with a professional if it affects you this much.

Good luck OP.

anonanon103

Again, I thank you all for your replies. I now have the hotel and flights booked feel a bit better about it now. Its only for 2 nights and not a million miles away, I have been there a few times before so I have a knowledge of the place.

But as regards my anxiety I know I have to do something. I have had this for years and have spoke to my doctor about it but its getting worse now. I am going to go back to see him again and see what we can do. It keeps me awake at night some times and sometimes I have difficulty breathing with it and my stomach starts doing somersaults. It is taking over my life and if I dont do something now it will only fester and get worse

anonanon103

anonanon103 wrote: »

Besides all that, as I stated I do get tired easy and do not like to stay at a place for too long. We are planning on going to this event form approx 7am and she wants to stay all day. Would I be a very very bad friend if I left in the evening on my own if I felt it was all a bit too much?

I think if you're going from early in the morning it would be entirely reasonable for you to go back to your room after lunch for a few hours then back out for the evening. If she doesn't do similar I'd be surprised!! I think the evening is a more important time to have company, it's easier to split up for an afternoon. Good compromise.
Do go back to your doctor

CaraMay

Op there was an almost identical thread here this time last year even down to the eating disorder issue. I assume that wasn't you but might be worth looking at for further assistance.