Mum changes topic in conversations

LegacyUser

Love my mum, but she has a bad habit of interrupting conversations and making it about her. We live in different countries so I dont get to see her that often but we talk on the phone a good bit and I visit when I can. The problem is that when I'm telling her something, she often chimes in immediately and makes it about her. For example, I recently went on holiday and she rang me to ask how it was. I had a cool story about meeting a nice family in the airport who gave me a lift 50 miles to the hotel, so I said 'ah it was great, after I landed, I met this Spanish family who asked where I was headed...' and she immediately cut me off and said 'oh I've never found the Spanish very friendly myself' and started talking about the last time she was in Spain and how rude everyone was and I never got to tell her my story. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to make it all about me either, but she doesn't wait her turn in the conversation at all, she just cuts you off and starts talking. As if she's just waiting for an opportunity to talk about what she wants to talk about and isn't really interested in what you're saying.

Likewise, she constantly talks about people in her office, people I don't know and have never met, and interrupts people's stories with anecdotes about them. If I'm telling her I'm going to Poland with work, she says 'oh Gemma at work went to Krakow last week on a hen do and she said X,Y,Z' and basically launches into a totally irrelevant story about someone I don't know. I've recently started making a point of dismissing this...just waiting for her to finish her anecdote, not reacting to it at all and restarting my story, which seems to work makes her realise what she's done but it's also a bit rude and I feel bad for doing it.

Any advice about how to deal with this without coming across as the rude one?

Merkin

She sounds socially inept and to be honest, I'd actually say it to her. (Not that she's socially inept, but I'd call her up on it). You're a close family member so if you can't say it, who can? And if you have noticed, other people would have too so you're best just being honest with her. Rather than sitting her down, catch her when she's doing it so you can give her a real-time example.

So when a story comes up like the Spanish family again, and she begins to launch into her own story say "Mum, let me finish" or something similar. Or else, "you've an awful habit of interrupting me...."

Likewise going to Poland with work, just say "I've never met Gemma so I'm not interested in what she got up to in Krakow." And if she calls you on it and tells you that's rude, just tell her that it's very boring to hear about third parties whom you know nothing about and what they got up to on their holidays. I'd say she's just not aware how boring that is for people to listen to.

gugleguy

My Mum does that too. :(:o I'll leave it at that. my two cents: maybe my mum feels 'beaten' in the original conversation. ah well.

Addle

Merkin wrote: »

So when a story comes up like the Spanish family again, and she begins to launch into her own story say "Mum, let me finish" or something similar. Or else, "you've an awful habit of interrupting me...."

I find a lot of people are like that with me and have decided that it's more of a reflection on me than on them. I need to be more assertive and finish my spiels!

duffman13

Is she a bit lonely? Perhaps she doesn't get a chance to talk to someone regularly so when you call she just let's out?

CyrilFiggis

That's common enough isn't it? Especially with mothers. With mine, I don't really view it as an interruption, more just her wanting to say something before she forgets. After she says her piece I just continue on with my story.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice so far.

CyrilFiggis wrote: »

That's common enough isn't it? Especially with mothers. With mine, I don't really view it as an interruption, more just her wanting to say something before she forgets. After she says her piece I just continue on with my story.

I don't know, but it can be quite hurtful. Like, I'm talking to my mum for the first time in WEEKS and I barely get a sentence out before she's talking about some woman at work I've never met, as if that random woman is more important than me, if you know what I mean? Anything I say seems to be interrupted with a comment or an anecdote about some random person, and a lot of the time, it's the SAME person and the SAME anecdote. Like if I say I'm going to Birmingham with work (which I do a lot), she says (every time) 'oh my second cousin John lives in Birmingham, he works at X company'..the last time I cut her off and I said it myself before she could ("I'm going to Birmingham, where your second cousin John works at X company") and she told me that was very rude and mean - yes it is a bit, but it's also very annoying when someone is not listening to you and is just waiting for an opportunity to start talking either about themselves or random people you don't know, however tenuous the link is. If I mention my Italian evening class, she doesn't ask how it's going, she starts telling me about how Jill at work is learning Spanish at the local college and how she'd like to sign up but is too busy with all the housework, but maybe she'll sign up in a few years...it's not that I want to talk about me or that I'm not interested in her, but it's just so rude to monopolise the conversation like that...wait until I'm done with my turn before you start!

I know this isn't a huge deal, which is why I've put up with it for years, but it's starting to bug me now!

bee06

CyrilFiggis wrote: »

That's common enough isn't it? Especially with mothers. With mine, I don't really view it as an interruption, more just her wanting to say something before she forgets. After she says her piece I just continue on with my story.

My mom does it too... Drives me crazy. Not so long ago I was in the middle of an important story about an interview I'd done and she just interrupted me and started talking to my brother about something else!

I can see why it would annoy you OP when you talk to her so little and you're abroad. I think the only thing you can do is interrupt her and ask of you can finish your story first. Hopefully she'll get the message.

Miaireland

My mother does this all the time to everybody. It drives me mad and I think it comes across as very rude. I have pointed it out to her but she does not seem to notice the problem. It has got to the point that I have to ask the person who was talking in the first place to continue on with their story after she finishes telling her normally pointless story.

diveout

Did you call her out on it?

It's a domination tactic.

TimeToShine

diveout wrote: »

Did you call her out on it?

It's a domination tactic.

Ah here. Why would you attribute it to malice when it's most likely just ignorance?

I have to disagree with people telling you to call her out. Sounds a bit like armchair advice in my view. My mother is like yours, and I just let her be. She'd easily spend 20 minutes on the phone talking about irrelevant stuff but that's just who she is. She probably just wants someone to talk to and misses you. The question here is is it worth the risk of offending her over something like this? Bearing in mind it's very unlikely that a brief word on her ear will change this long term.

In the end you have to make a judgement call. Is it worth calling her out? Your move. In my case I don't think so, I let her have this considering all she's done for me.

Rubberchikken

I think some people aren't even aware they're doing it
You could mention it to her in a kind way, but i'd say she probably just loves talking to you.

Big Bag of Chips

I think it's less this

mumcutsmeoff wrote: »

I barely get a sentence out before she's talking about some woman at work I've never met, as if that random woman is more important than me

And more this

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i'd say she probably just loves talking to you.

There's nothing wrong with letting her ramble on and then saying "anyway, as I was saying...."

People do it all the time. Some more than others. I find myself doing it sometimes and really have to stop myself. But as you say yourself, she hears a word that reminds her of a story and off she goes.

It can be tiresome. It annoys me when it's done to me, but then I in turn am guilty of doing it to others.

I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm... She just loves talking. I'm sure you'll find she does it to everyone, so it's not a reflection on you or how important/unimportant she sees you.

Teyla Emmagan

I think that (and I know I do this), we get used to speaking to our mothers and going on about the stuff that is important to us, and thinking they'll listen, because they always have. But it's a two way thing, and as you get older you realise your mother wants to talk too, and let you know what's important with her, even if it's only flipping Gemma in work and her stupid Spanish lessons.

My Mam is always going on about her bridge friends, and who she met on the golf course this week, and that stuff bores me like crazy, but I imagine my stuff bores her too at times, so I just put up with it because it's what's going on in her life.

All I mean is that your relationship with your mother changes as you get older, sometimes you have to be the one to listen. Which doesn't mean I don't also occasionally say 'I don't want to hear another word about Aunt frikin Ita Ma'.

ZENER

Sounds exactly like my GF !! Is she a Gemini by any chance ? Not relevant at all but it's a trait they seem to share.

When I started seeing her I thought it was just funny - she's very extrovert and works in the hospitality industry so has the gift of the gab. After a while it lost its charm somewhat and became a bit annoying (I couldn't get a word in edgeways !!) on some occasions I just continued with my story even though she was talking at the same time and kept talking until I'd finished. For her it was a case of "stop talking while I'm interrupting !" Gradually she got the point and has eased up a bit though sometimes she just can't help herself but that's fine.

A story can take up to 30 minutes to tell and every character involved must have their full family history and relevant anecdotes told, if you're familiar with the comedian Billy Connelly you'll understand - when she goes off on a tale I usually just say - "so Billy, what happened to X you started talking about ?!" I smile and give a wink and it's taken in jest. Might be worth a try ?

Ken

miss no stars

Next time she interrupts you and goes off on an old anecdote stop her.

Just say something like "Mum can I just stop you there really briefly? I am trying to tell you something and I've barely gotten two words out and you're talking about something else. I find it hurtful, I try not to but it hurts every time you do it because I hardly get much time to talk to you and every time you do this it feels like you're just not interested in what I have to say. So do you want to hear what I have to say or do you want to tell me about your cousin in Birmingham, again?"

It will probably upset her, but the reality is that every time you don't do it she goes off on a tangent she upsets you with her apparent disinterest in what you have to say. It sounds like you have an otherwise good relationship so I think you need to get it through to her that she's actually hurting you. If she says that you're being rude, just reiterate to her that every time she cuts you off when you're trying to tell her something about you - her closest family - so that she can tell you something about someone you don't know - that SHE is being rude and hurtful. Ask her to stop and think the next time she wants to interrupt you to decide whether what she wants to say is more important to her than hearing what you want to tell her.

It's just not okay. I don't know how you put up with it - I'd be at the point of hanging up if my mother kept on like that.

retro:electro

Is it just me or does this sound like most Irish mammies?! I wouldn't take it personally op, she's not doing it to hurt you, it's just a habit that she has. I'm sure it's not that she's not interested in your stories, I bet you anything that when people at work start to tell her stories she interrupts them also with an anecdote about how her lovely daughter is also doing that and such and such.. If it's getting to you so much maybe just say it to her? She's probably just delighted to be talking to you and gets over excited and a bit carried away.

Jeefff

Would it not be worth writing to her? I know it's outdated, but a letter with all your recent happenings would atleast sink in to her while she's reading it..
Worst case scenario, you'd get a letter back a week later telling you about your cousin in Birmingham..

My mother does this to other people, not me. But she doesn't know she's doing it.. Sometimes i'm listening to someone talk about something relevant, she's not even listening to what they say, then she chimes in with an irrelivent story and the other person is like 'wtf?'
Facepalm moment.. But she's my mother, so..
Other times on the phone, I'll be chatting away and she'll start talking to her dog hahaha

dudara

My mother is somewhat the same. I used to get annoyed when young, I couldn't understand why the story of some random cousin was more important.

However, now I actually think it's her way of trying to make a connection and share something with me. TBH it's probably because I'm fairly independent and don't share too much with her.

Citygirl1

I think this must be something that lots of Irish Mammies do with their daughters!

Sometimes I could be chatting away about something of great interest to me, but if my Mum isn't really relating to it, she might just interrupt with a completely different topic.... However, I don't think she does the same with my Brother or Sister-in-Law.

What I've found particularly annoying, when we are having a family dinner together, as usual we might discuss a variety of topics, and just when I am speaking, on a number of occasions she has spoken straight across me to ask my sister in law if she has enough vegetables, and to assure everyone that there is plenty more in the kitchen! I understand that as the Mammy she feels the need to ensure everyone is well fed. However, it makes me feel really small, and that I must be boring her. Surely she could wait a minute or two more.

Another one I've noticed recently, while visiting family members, when someone asks me a question about my life, she might speak right across me with the answer, or her opinion. I remember when I was around 10, my Dad telling her to let me speak for myself, and stop answering for me. I'm now 36!!

diveout

I have a friend who does this, and it's a man. And I find it so obnoxious.

It's entirely about domination. Control the conversation, don't listen, make everything self referential. It's like verbal masterbation.

Ok off you go.

I just don't engage. I cut out.

Chara1001

My mum does it too, the other day a letter arrived for me which was telling me I owed a lot of money for something i thought i sorted out ages ago. My mum was there when I read it, i said 'oh no' and told her briefly about it, and she goes: 'These tomatoes are just delicious' and turned back to the tv!

Generally when the tangents start, I ask if i could finish my story first, and if it continues I just zone out- i don't get as pi**ed off about it anymore

lurker2000

OMG OP we have the same mother !!! I thought I was the only one...we should form a club! I totally get your frustration....in my mother's case its always about stories that happened years ago.... like I'll say, I broke my leg and before you know it, she's cut across me to say 'that happened to Mrs O Leary in 1974.......and off she goes....

Like you say, its like she's not listening to your story at all, her eyes start to glaze over within 2 minutes and she's thinking of her story and how much more important it is. She also hogs conversations, looks puzzled when others mention people she doesn't know and tells them as much and yet she's resurrected every dead granny and great granny and she tells the story as if everyone knows who she's talking about and her audience are too polite to tell her that they don't know who the hell she's talking about.

The most infuriating is when she retells a story that you have heard 1000 times, and she tells it like it was your first time to hear it. I can actually re quote these stories word for word, it just takes a trigger...like you know when you pass a certain house...here it comes.....'Oh there's Mary's house, her mother was found dead in the garden with a box of biscuits under her arm and the key of the door in her hand'....... she's been to bingo....YES YES YES I know !!!...she won the biscuits and the postman found her in the morning ....I KNOW.... But of course I just smile and stay silent or try to change the subject. I did tackle her once about all this and she was so hurt, I was sorry I said anything...she also said I was 'ungracious' unlike my sainted brother.

But you know what, there will be the day and the hour she won't be here any more and I'll miss her like hell...and I'll even wish she was telling the story of Mary's mother and the biscuits !!!! Chin up - mothers are what make the world go around !!