Breaking up and going back to your Ex

Clint Eastwood

Hi guys

Just trying to get another perspective/slant on a situation in my relationship - I'll try explain as best I can.

Some time late last year, I walked out on my girlfriend and our home. I'd been dealing with personal issues, drinking too much at the time and couldn't handle home/work life anymore so walked out and went to my parents. Before I left, she warned me that it was finished if I walked out, but I still did so. We had been together for 2 years.

A few days after I walked out she ended up back with her Ex. This was a guy who she knew I had a problem with - around the time we got together originally, he was always messaging her, saying they could still continue to hook up even though she was now in a relationship, and he'd keep it secret. When I found that out, I was disgusted, thought he was an utter scumbag and asked her to cut contact with him, which she did. They were never in a relationship, it was more friends with benefits, he was much older than her, and I always believed he had some hold over her.

While I was gone, she used a holiday I had booked for us as a means to go see him as he was also in the vicinity abroad at the time.

Anyways, we got back together 3 weeks later and tried to make a go of things but that only lasted a month, we both moved back home to our folks, we never broke up but just kinda stop contacting each other.

She then ended up hooking up again with him at Christmas and also another guy.

Into the new year and we made a go of it yet again, which has proved really good so far, no fights, personal issues sorted and really happy.

However I found all of the above out just yesterday from a mutual friend. I had my suspicions but she always denied it and said she hadnt seen the guy in a year.

Now im conflicted as I think my opinion of her has changed - the fact that she would fall into bed a couple of days later after i chose to walk out with someone is fair enough, i walked out, she was entitled to do so. It's just the fact that it was so soon, and with him of all people, is particularly hard to take. This is the most hurtful thing that she could have done to me - she maintains it was never intended to, she was just lashing out and all over the place about me walking out and leaving her by herself, and she needed to confide/have closeness with someone.

Part of me wishes I had done the same with someone else- there were many opportunities but i chose not to out of loyalty to her memory- 2 years is a long time especially when you're living together, and i couldnt disrespect that by hooking up with someone else straight away.

Another thing that bothered me is she was saying how miserable her christmas was and that she was so lonely, but was in fact over in his all the time and partying quite hard.

I would never have found any of this out either as she would never have told me, which hurts like hell.

I just want to make it clear I'm 100% certain she never cheated on me when we were together. We lived together and went to bed with each other every night, of that I am certain.

Again guys, I walked out, I screwed up. I'd just like to get your opinions on the situation

Thanks

ViveLaVie

You walked out on her. It's a bit rich to say you'd too much loyalty and respect for her to hook up with anyone else considering you abandoned her entirely. She was completely entitled to hook up with whomever pleased her when ye were broken up.

How exactly is this the most hurtful thing she's done to you? It had nothing to do with you. Ye were over. She hardly knew ye were going to get back together and you'd hold it against her. You had just walked out on her. Perhaps she finds that to be the most hurtful thing you've done to her?

Also I don't think you have a right to be told anything about the relationships she had with others when ye weren't together.

AnonMouse

My own opinion is, that when you break up with someone, you are free to do as you please. She does not have to justify her actions. People deal with break ups differently, and she was obviously hurting, but didn't do anything wrong by going off with that other guy. As far as she was concerned, she may have never seen you again, so wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of you finding out that she was with him.

If you can't handle her actions, as a single woman, you need to break up with her permanently.

Just my 2 cents...

Gongoozler

What she chose to do in the time you were not together is her own business. She could be lying about seeing him or not seeing him, and by all means if you think she's lying then maybe discuss why, but it's not really good enough that you'd break up with her (again) because of who she got together with when ye weren't together.

Sounds like you've got some trust issues here, and that's what needs to be tackled not who she spent her time with.

bee06

It's been said by the previous posters but I'll say it again ... you walked out on her! You just left after two years instead of working on your problems with her to help you. Are you really now trying to hold what she did after you left her and when she was hurting and no doubt confused against her?

LegacyUser

I see where you are coming from op. Whilst the above replies are the standard clinical responses to a situation, Im not sure I would feel happy either.

At the end of the day it is her choice what she does and who she sees after you split up but I would never ever entertain the thought of going back to her, ever.

Also, I genuinely would be wondering if she was seeing him at times behind your back, people can be sneaky when they want and need to be


Id move on, forget about her, let her see who she wants and get on with your life

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I do believe you posted at length about this situation just after Christmas. The advice now is the same as the advice then. You started the downfall of your relationship by disappearing, ending up hospitalised, and then disappearing again breaking all contact with her.

She owes you nothing. She doesn't owe you the decency to not sleep with her ex. She doesn't owe you the decency of an explanation. She owes you nothing.

I don't know why the 2 of you, are still together, and still forcing this issue. 5 months on from your initial post, you are still "cut up" about her being with someone else when you effectively disappeared without letting her know what as going on. She told you if you walked out (again) your relationship was finished. So you walked out - and cut all contact. She understandably felt this was your way of telling her the relationship was finished.

Whether she slept with her ex or your next door neighbour is frankly none of your business. You left her. You chose to leave. You chose to go on a month long bender. You ended up in hospital etc.. you lost your job and you lost her her home. And now you are disappointed in her that she did not sit around pining over you. Her ex was nice to her. She slept with him. Your ego is bruised.

Get on with it and concentrate on your relationship. Or walk away for once and for all and stop dragging this on and on.

Lou.m

Clint Eastwood wrote: »

Hi guys

Just trying to get another perspective/slant on a situation in my relationship - I'll try explain as best I can.

Some time late last year, I walked out on my girlfriend and our home. I'd been dealing with personal issues, drinking too much at the time and couldn't handle home/work life anymore so walked out and went to my parents. Before I left, she warned me that it was finished if I walked out, but I still did so. We had been together for 2 years.

A few days after I walked out she ended up back with her Ex. This was a guy who she knew I had a problem with - around the time we got together originally, he was always messaging her, saying they could still continue to hook up even though she was now in a relationship, and he'd keep it secret. When I found that out, I was disgusted, thought he was an utter scumbag and asked her to cut contact with him, which she did. They were never in a relationship, it was more friends with benefits, he was much older than her, and I always believed he had some hold over her.

While I was gone, she used a holiday I had booked for us as a means to go see him as he was also in the vicinity abroad at the time.

Anyways, we got back together 3 weeks later and tried to make a go of things but that only lasted a month, we both moved back home to our folks, we never broke up but just kinda stop contacting each other.

She then ended up hooking up again with him at Christmas and also another guy.

Into the new year and we made a go of it yet again, which has proved really good so far, no fights, personal issues sorted and really happy.

However I found all of the above out just yesterday from a mutual friend. I had my suspicions but she always denied it and said she hadnt seen the guy in a year.

Now im conflicted as I think my opinion of her has changed - the fact that she would fall into bed a couple of days later after i chose to walk out with someone is fair enough, i walked out, she was entitled to do so. It's just the fact that it was so soon, and with him of all people, is particularly hard to take. This is the most hurtful thing that she could have done to me - she maintains it was never intended to, she was just lashing out and all over the place about me walking out and leaving her by herself, and she needed to confide/have closeness with someone.

Part of me wishes I had done the same with someone else- there were many opportunities but i chose not to out of loyalty to her memory- 2 years is a long time especially when you're living together, and i couldnt disrespect that by hooking up with someone else straight away.

Another thing that bothered me is she was saying how miserable her christmas was and that she was so lonely, but was in fact over in his all the time and partying quite hard.

I would never have found any of this out either as she would never have told me, which hurts like hell.

I just want to make it clear I'm 100% certain she never cheated on me when we were together. We lived together and went to bed with each other every night, of that I am certain.

Again guys, I walked out, I screwed up. I'd just like to get your opinions on the situation

Thanks

You left the house I don't think you have a right to be bitter about what she did when you were separated.

I just want to make it clear I'm 100% certain she never cheated on me when we were together. We lived together and went to bed with each other every night, of that I am certain.

Yeah so I don't see why are you are upset???

This is the most hurtful thing that she could have done to me

She did not do anything TO you. She was simply trying to get on with her life.

You left your shared home and you were not together.

I understand you might be sensitive to it. But I don;t think she did anything wrong.

Whether or not you want to get back with her is up to you. I think you have the right to decide based on how you feel about it. I don't think you can hold it against her. But if you do not wish to get back with her because of your feelings on it then that is your right. It is your decision. But then you have to accept she will want to move on.

The getting back together splitting up thing is not healthy it makes people question the worth of a relationship.

Also when you left you say it had been bad and you were drinking and possibly not easy to be with.

Her using the holiday tickets for him and her is a bit low though.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way, is her getting back with you (twice) not the same thing?

I just feel sorry for her that she doesn't seem to realise that there are more fellas out there than exes who treat her appallingly.

She seems to have a habit of sticking with what she knows... Even if it's terrible.

Mr. Incognito

People here are very good to say none of your business when their emotions are not involved.

Sounds like she was conflicted between you and her ex. She didn't go there till you broke up. Then she chose you.

If anything be glad because that's one wonder she won't have.

You won. Move on.

username123

OP I remember your last posts where you tried to gloss over your appalling behaviour to your gf, you lost her her home, her relationship and any sense of security through your own behaviour.

That this girl is now back with you just makes me feel bad for her. Sounds like she has no self esteem at all and is willing to put up with horrific situations.

I gave you the same advice last time, stop looking outwards at someone else's behaviour and look inwards at your own. You are the author off all of the problems you complain about. Again, do you think your girlfriend would have done any of the things you complain about if you hadn't taken away her home, her relationship and hospitalised yourself through booze?