Court order to see son but he wont come

mozattack

Hi,

I have a 9 year old boy who I see every Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and to who I pay maintenance.I got a court order for access a few years ago and since then his mother has toed the line.

In the last year the child decides now and again not to come with me, more recently this week meaning I haven't seen him (apart from when I cal to unsuccessfully collect him) in a week.His mother has drink problems meaning he stays with his grandparents. They are nice but out of touch, I have the child in cubs, swimming and karate lessons while they do nothing with him apart from letting him slouch around the place on the computer.

I have been saying that the child should not have it easy at home when he decides not to come with me, eg he should be grounded etc. Yesterday I rang to get him to go to Fota Wildlife Park and again he wouldn't come and when I rang back to talk to him I dins his grandfather has brought him to the beach!They are enabling this behaviour.

There is no clear reason why he won't come with me and now with the family holiday in around a months time coming I am worrying that he will not come too.I have two children since so he younger brothers miss him too.

What can I do?

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry to say, he is getting to an age where he is capable of deciding if he does or doesn't want to go somewhere. I have an 8 year old who would rather stay at home than go anywhere!

But, that said, just because he doesn't feel like going doesn't mean he should be allowed dictate. My husband has a daughter, and she started the same thing around the same age. We just had to persevere and ignore the sulks and tantrums at pick up time. Once she was with us she was always fine.

Have you looked into applying for full custody?

Is there a chance he's not interested in some of the extra activities, cubs, swimming or karate, so doesn't want to go to them? My lads are in Beavers and are starting to complain about going the last few weeks. It's getting towards the end of the year, school wise. I think kids just get really tired around this time of year and just want to wind down. Nothing wrong with "slouching around", occassionally

Have a chat with him. Find out if he likes the activities. Find out if he likes his brothers! He might feel shunted around, and just likes the comfort of "home" with no pressure. You won't know unless you talk to him.. and more importantly listen to him.

mozattack

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Sorry to say, he is getting to an age where he is capable of deciding if he does or doesn't want to go somewhere. I have an 8 year old who would rather stay at home than go anywhere!

But, that said, just because he doesn't feel like going doesn't mean he should be allowed dictate. My husband has a daughter, and she started the same thing around the same age. We just had to persevere and ignore the sulks and tantrums at pick up time. Once she was with us she was always fine.

Have you looked into applying for full custody?

Is there a chance he's not interested in some of the extra activities, cubs, swimming or karate, so doesn't want to go to them? My lads are in Beavers and are starting to complain about going the last few weeks. It's getting towards the end of the year, school wise. I think kids just get really tired around this time of year and just want to wind down. Nothing wrong with "slouching around", occassionally

Have a chat with him. Find out if he likes the activities. Find out if he likes his brothers! He might feel shunted around, and just likes the comfort of "home" with no pressure. You won't know unless you talk to him.. and more importantly listen to him.

Thanks for commenting.

When he is with me he is very happy, he loves his little brothers and we have a great time doing lots and having fun, so much so that he doesnt want to really go home.

Problem is that I am stricter so I think he would prefer to stay with his mum where he can stay up late etc

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like a pretty normal kid!!

You need to make sure his mam and grandparents are on the same page as you.

We had a few 3/4 of an hour standoffs with my stepdaughter when she decided she didn't want to come with us. In her case she knew her mam was going out, and didn't want her to! But they persevered and made her come and after a few times she realised refusing to come wouldn't work, so she stopped the tantrums.

If they aren't encouraging him to go with you, you're fighting a losing battle. You only have a few short years of being able to make him go! When my step-daughter got to teenage years we saw a lot less of her. Friends became more important than Dad at that stage. And to be fair, we couldn't blame her. In an "ordinary" family with everyone living under the same roof very few teenagers spend the entire weekend with their parents! Just because the parents are separated shouldn't really mean the kids have to miss out on the normal teenage things like "hanging around"! As she got older though, and "too cool" for just hanging around, it became cool to come to us again! And now she spends a good bit of time here.

It's all phases that you need to work through with whatever works for your own circumstances.

mozattack

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Sorry to say, he is getting to an age where he is capable of deciding if he does or doesn't want to go somewhere. I have an 8 year old who would rather stay at home than go anywhere!

But, that said, just because he doesn't feel like going doesn't mean he should be allowed dictate. My husband has a daughter, and she started the same thing around the same age. We just had to persevere and ignore the sulks and tantrums at pick up time. Once she was with us she was always fine.

Have you looked into applying for full custody?

Is there a chance he's not interested in some of the extra activities, cubs, swimming or karate, so doesn't want to go to them? My lads are in Beavers and are starting to complain about going the last few weeks. It's getting towards the end of the year, school wise. I think kids just get really tired around this time of year and just want to wind down. Nothing wrong with "slouching around", occassionally

Have a chat with him. Find out if he likes the activities. Find out if he likes his brothers! He might feel shunted around, and just likes the comfort of "home" with no pressure. You won't know unless you talk to him.. and more importantly listen to him.

Thanks for commenting.

When he is with me he is very happy, he loves his little brothers and we have a great time doing lots and having fun, so much so that he doesnt want to really go home.

Problem is that I am stricter so I think he would prefer to stay with his mum where he can stay up late etc

mozattack

He just told me he didn't know when he would come with me again, said he probably wont come on holidays. Why? "Cos I want to stay here"

What's here, sharing a bed with his mother at 9 (cos there any much room) and giving up karate, cubs and swimming and staying with a parent who hasn't done anything for him in years re Santa, birthday and never brought him away. There is no family on that side too so he would be giving up me, his step mum, 2 brothers, two uncles, two cousins and more cousins on hold brother side etc.

It isn't good for him at all.

Anyway I can get this legally?

I feel like giving up on the whole thing. Meanwhile his super mum stays in bed at 11.24!

mozattack

He just told me he didn't know when he would come with me again, said he probably wont come on holidays. Why? "Cos I want to stay here"

What's here, sharing a bed with his mother at 9 (cos there any much room) and giving up karate, cubs and swimming and staying with a parent who hasn't done anything for him in years re Santa, birthday and never brought him away. There is no family on that side too so he would be giving up me, his step mum, 2 brothers, two uncles, two cousins and more cousins on hold brother side etc.

It isn't good for him at all.

Anyway I can get this legally?

I feel like giving up on the whole thing. Meanwhile his super mum stays in bed at 11.24!

gctest50

mozattack wrote: »

He just told me he didn't know when he would come with me again, said he probably wont come on holidays. Why? "Cos I want to stay here"

What's here, sharing a bed with his mother at 9 (cos there any much room) and giving up karate, cubs and swimming and staying with a parent who hasn't done anything for him in years re Santa, birthday and never brought him away. There is no family on that side too so he would be giving up me, his step mum, 2 brothers, two uncles, two cousins and more cousins on hold brother side etc.

It isn't good for him at all.

Anyway I can get this legally?

I feel like giving up on the whole thing. Meanwhile his super mum stays in bed at 11.24!

Could he be a tiny bit uncomfortable with your sex-change op?


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=61543328

mozattack

He just told me he didn't know when he would come with me again, said he probably wont come on holidays. Why? "Cos I want to stay here"

What's here, sharing a bed with his mother at 9 (cos there any much room) and giving up karate, cubs and swimming and staying with a parent who hasn't done anything for him in years re Santa, birthday and never brought him away. There is no family on that side too so he would be giving up me, his step mum, 2 brothers, two uncles, two cousins and more cousins on hold brother side etc.

It isn't good for him at all.

Anyway I can get this legally?

I feel like giving up on the whole thing. Meanwhile his super mum stays in bed at 11.24!

mozattack

gctest50 wrote: »

Could he be a tiny bit uncomfortable with your sex-change op?


http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=61543328

Very smart but this is a handle used by two people. Jesus what was the point of that post asshole

Big Bag of Chips

He obviously doesn't see your house as 'home'. And prefers to be 'at home' where he is more relaxed.

Like it or not, maybe he's not into all the activities. I have 3 kids. 1 of them hasn't enough days in the week for all the things she wants to be involved in. The others aren't pushed and would spend their days at home in the pyjamas if they could. And most weekends I let them!!

I get that his mother isn't your favourite person in the world, but do you think that maybe he picks up on that? You could apply for full custody, but I suppose at 9 you need to take his feelings into account. You need to weigh up his overall care against what he wants. Would he want to live with you? Would he be upset to leave his mam? Whatever your opinion of her is, he loves her. Is he being neglected at home, or is it just that he doesn't do much?

As far as I know, legally your ex has to make him available for access. She cannot refuse you access to him. She is making him available. She is not stopping you from seeing him. He is deciding not to go. So I don't know where that leaves you. He's at a tricky age.

You could talk to him. Tell him you will cut out some (not all!) of the activities. But tell him that you really would like for him to come with you. That you miss him and love spending time with him. He's old enough to be able to understand that his actions are upsetting you. But it sounds like you need to compromise a little with him. Listen to what he wants, and find some middle ground that you are both happy with.

Edit: You seem to be projecting *your* ideal of life on him, rather than taking into account what he wants. You mention all the family he'd be missing out on? Loads of people aren't surrounded by lots of family, and do ok. Loads of people aren't signed up to various activities and manage ok. Do you listen to his opinion?

Zaph

mozattack wrote: »

Very smart but this is a handle used by two people. Jesus what was the point of that post asshole

Less of the abuse towards other posters please.

The point of that post is that we operate on a one person, one account basis. Please create another account either for yourself or the other person using this one and stick to one each in future. Thanks.

December2012

She may be a bad mother, but she is still his mother.

Irrespective if drinking, Santa, being not present, sharing a bed, she is his mother and you must appreciate that he will want to be with her sometimes. Bad mouthing her will not help the situation at all.

January

I'm closing this thread since you already have the exact same one over in Legal Discussion and posting the same thread in multiple forums is against the rules too.