why do people not like me

LegacyUser

Hi all

I started a new Job in September and at the start most of the people in the office were nice and friendly. Then after a few weeks I noticed some of them very standoffish. The would ignore me and stop talking when I entered the room. They would huddle in corners and whisper then look at my desk and start laughing. At first I told myself I was imagining it and to not think about them. Then a few weeks ago a new girl started and there all really nice to her. They even made a point of saying in front of me "maybe they will get rid of the other yolk they brought in now" to mean me! I can't ignore it anymore they don't like me that's ok but do they have to make it so obvious?

Yesterday the whole office went out for drinks after work and I was the only one not invited. I only found out today when they were all dying of hangovers. I started to get very upset and got me thinking. I'm 25 have no friends and always struggled to make same. Even in school I never felt like I fit in.

I'm beginning to think I must be a horrible person or something is wrong with me. I feel like a loser and am thinking I'm going to lead a very lonely life on my own. I don't understand why either I'm always polite, greet people with a smile.

How do I either combat this problem or learn to live with it somehow. I can't leave my job as there are no more out there.

Bluefox21

feeling like a loser wrote: »

Hi all

I started a new Job in September and at the start most of the people in the office were nice and friendly. Then after a few weeks I noticed some of them very standoffish. The would ignore me and stop talking when I entered the room. They would huddle in corners and whisper then look at my desk and start laughing. At first I told myself I was imagining it and to not think about them. Then a few weeks ago a new girl started and there all really nice to her. They even made a point of saying in front of me "maybe they will get rid of the other yolk they brought in now" to mean me! I can't ignore it anymore they don't like me that's ok but do they have to make it so obvious?

Yesterday the whole office went out for drinks after work and I was the only one not invited. I only found out today when they were all dying of hangovers. I started to get very upset and got me thinking. I'm 25 have no friends and always struggled to make same. Even in school I never felt like I fit in.

I'm beginning to think I must be a horrible person or something is wrong with me. I feel like a loser and am thinking I'm going to lead a very lonely life on my own. I don't understand why either I'm always polite, greet people with a smile.

How do I either combat this problem or learn to live with it somehow. I can't leave my job as there are no more out there.

That sounds really harsh and not a very nice team you are with. To be honest as it's a work related issue I would bring it up with management. Not in a bitchy way but more in a do you have any development points I could focus on for working in a team environment.

That keeps things professional and hopefully will give you some pointers! Don't beat yourself up about it though. Some people you you just won't get on with. Especially in work!

Time Now Please

Forgive for sounding sexist but in an all female working environment woman can be the greatest shower of b*tches especially when they are in packs or clics. What's happening here is classed as 'workplace bullying' and should not be tolerated, from tomorrow morning make a mental note of what is said to you and by whom up to and including who said what and the stance they took when talking about.

I would have a quite word with one of your superiors and ask their advice, if you feel that you are not getting anywhere with them take it higher, best of luck.

Queen-Mise

Don't take it personal. As it may well not be. They are probably saying the stuff as you are not calling them out on it. You have turned into the office punch bag basically.

My view is be happy you are not in the clique. Office colleagues are some of the nastiest people around and the sh*te and games they get involved in sometimes, beggars belief.
I had that stunt pulled on me as well regarding drinks, in my case it was the Christmas party - no-one mentioned it was on. Someone in the team beside us asked why I was not at it, and I was wondering 'at what'. My contract ended a few months later. About a year after the whole lot of them were let go, as company went bankrupt, can't say I was too upset

I would ignore all the personal stuff. But what I would do is start making a detailed record of things they do that interfere with your job - for example not forwarding on an important email. Basically start covering your ar*se, and to create a record of stuff if you do have to make some form of a complaint or defend yourself in the future.


On a personal level - I would go to a counsellor. A work situation has impacted on your entire life, and how you think about yourself as a person.
Find a counsellor, work on your confidence, and learn to leave what happens in a workplace at the door when you leave.

The sh*te your colleagues have started may be something simple like because you are nice and you don't bit*ch about everyone else the way they do. So therefore, in their heads, you think you are better and are judging them.

Learn how to cope with it now, as it won't be the first and last of this stuff you will encounter.

[EDIT: Being on the outside is easier and harder. It is nice being a part of the crowd and fitting in with everyone. It is also nice being a big step away from it. If you choose to be on the outside, that is one thing, being pushed out there is something else though. Sometimes being part of a group is even harder. So decide OP if you want to be in or out. Is it friendships you want or professional work relationships - as how you approach either one will be very different
Personally I always choose out. I hate cliques and office friendships with a vengeance. I always pass myself, and am friendly, but none of them are my friends]

ongarboy

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Don't take it personal. As it may well not be. They are probably saying the stuff as you are not calling them out on it. You have turned into the office punch bag basically.

Regarding this point, I actually would suggest that OP takes it personally. What was said in the office concering "maybe they'll get rid of the other yolk now" was an affront to her right to dignity as it was said in earshot of her in the workplace (intended for her to hear and feel bad about it). A good definition of workplace bullying is below. While the above incident in isolation would not be bullying, if OP had other examples of this, this is where she should document along with time, date and who was involved as it would fall under bullying if such incidents kept occuring.

I agree that not making friends with colleagues or being invited out to drinks, tea breaks etc is not bullying per se so cannot be raised as an issue but where others are deliberately undermining you (eg maybe openly saying in the office, "glad your one wasn't with us last night - the night would have turned into a borefest") would be an affront to her dignity and not acceptable.

It sounds like a few gang leaders are at work here and others are too afraid to go against the status quo (classic school playground mentality). I'd be very surprised that everyone of your colleagues were as awful as the main perpretrators. OP - stand your groud, document everything and have a chat with your manager. This sort of stress will affect your productivity at work as well as your personal life. Stay strong and good luck.


Definition of workplace bullying:
Bullying is repeated inappropriate behaviour, direct or indirect, whether verbal, physical or otherwise, conducted by one or more persons against another or others, at the place of work and/or in the course of employment, which could reasonably be regarded as undermining the individual‘s right to dignity at work."

An isolated incident of the behaviour described in this definition may be an affront to dignity at work but as a once off incident is not considered to be bullying

username123

I agree with everything said above re workplace bullying and this needs to be addressed. Plenty of advice given on same.

However, I am going to advise on the bigger picture, that you feel like you dont fit in and have no friends.

Plenty of people are awkward socially and there are coping mechanisms that you can learn to try and overcome that - even small things like preparing a list of small talk items to help break the ice can be useful. Im sure there are 101 self help books out there on the subject.

Its also important to look at your own behaviour. It could be possible that there is a medical issue at play here, perhaps you do not pick up on social cues and that comes across badly in social interactions. Or perhaps you are too pushy or too loud or too silent. Anything outside the norm can be perceived subtly in social interaction.

Why do you not have any friends? Is this something you have chosen or have you had difficulty making friends and if so, why? There has to be give and take in friendship, none of us make friends without putting in some effort ourselves, although some people do find it much easier than others.

It is likely that just minor changes to your behaviour will reap bigger changes in your life. Sometimes its just about being aware of how we are perceived by others. You are aware that something is amiss (i mean the bigger picture not the workplace) so you need to work on yourself to figure out what that is if you want to change it. Best of luck, you come across as totally cool in your post here so I am quite sure that whatever is holding you back socially is small and easily changeable.

Little Acorn

You mentioned that you noticed after a few weeks that only some of the colleagues started being nasty. Does this mean that there are a few others in your workplace that are still nice to you? I think you should remain on friendly terms at least with these nice ones just because it might make your working day a bit more comfortable. If these nice ones were also at the drinks don't assume that this means they have switched sides, they quite possibly just didn't realise you hadn't been invited by whoever the organiser from the bitchy crowd was.

You got along well with everybody at the start. Can you pinpoint a time when these people started to turn on you? Was it after a specific conversation or after a specific work incident? I'm only asking this on the off chance that it is some type of misunderstanding or something that could be fixed.

What I think is most likely though is that you are being bullied.
There's a ringleader, there's always a ringleader. (Possibly the one who called you a "yoke"?)
My guess at what has occurred is that this ringleader took a few weeks to suss you out, get a feel for what you are like - hence the initial nice phase.

You said you've never really had friends and always feel people don't like you. Whether you realise it or not, there's a chance that because of this you may give of a vibe of being under confident, or of being very nice but really anxious to be liked.
A regular person may not notice this or if they do they make an extra effort to include you or chat to you more.
A bully however will see this as a weakness and use it to their advantage to have fun with. I swear it's like bullies can somehow just sniff out people they know will be easy targets.

If there is a ringleader bully type in the office who has chosen you as a target, the rest are more than likely just sheep.
They will join in with the ostracising because they fear being ostracised themselves. Some might even be openly rude or hostile to you, in an effort to impress the main one and cement their place within "the group". I view these people as cowardly scum who are just as bad as the main bully. They are to be pitied really with disgust I suppose for having such a lack of character.

I personally would confront the ringleader first in front of the rest (in a professional manner of course) any time they did or said something that was openly hostile or unacceptable. Even if you are shaking inside, stand your ground and speak up for yourself. I know this is much easier said than done, but it NEEDS to be done if you ever want to get any respect. You may be shaking at first but defending yourself gets easier with practice. Let them know that you are not a pushover there for their amusement.

I agree with others who say keep a record of every incident that happens that could be constituted as workplace bullying. I don't think the going for drinks without you will count, but keep records of all comments, or of being ignored when you ask something, or if they don't tell you important work information, or if they try to put blame on you for things you didn't do, or if they harshly criticize your work without just reason. Report any incidents like these.

If they want to just stick to playground ostracising tactics by not inviting you places, just leave them be. I would do my best to be bright and breezy and unaffected. They want to tell you about being hungover after office drinks, you should tell them jokingly that thank goodness you aren't in their shoes that you feel bright as a daisy today, and instead went for a lovely meal last night with a group of friends or something. And continue to chat with and be friendly with the nice people in your office, try to make it look like you don't give 2 shits about what their bitchy little group is up to.

I also think you should try to see some type of counsellor who may help you build your confidence after being let down by friends your whole life. You could also try an assertiveness course to help you learn how to speak up for yourself if needs be. If it's the case as username123 suggests that there is some little issue there with yourself that you haven't realised, then a counsellor should hopefully pick up on this too and give you guidance. I'd say it might just be though that you give of an air of under confidence and wanting to be liked too much and that bullies jump on this.

Best of luck, please don't let these people get you down for any longer.

Rubberchikken

god what a bunch of weirdos. what is it with some people, they just cant stand to share the world with anyone new. they must be very insecur.e

you sound like a normal person who has been subjected to workplace bullying by a bunch of twits.
if there are any colleagues that are friendly and unwilling to go with the bullies (because that is what they are), then be pleasant and friendly to them.
ignore the others, don't let them see that they can get to you.
trust me, they aren't worth it.

InReality

Its taken me ages to learn this but some people are simply unpleasant.
I'd take on board all the advise above , esp re some counselling. You could be amazed at how useful that is.
The other thing I'd try and do is just do work in work , and have fun outside work. We are naturally social driven and want to have connections with other people , but sometimes its easier to do that outside the work hieracrachy and work demands.

Azwaldo55

You have to like yourself before others will like you.
Confident people attract friends because in the company of a confident person they too will fell confident and grateful that a confident person has such confidence in them that they will be their friend.
When someone lacks confidence it works in the opposite way.
Such a person sucks the confidence out of others out of a need to be liked and helped.
Nobody wants to feel obligated by someone to be nice to them and when this becomes a chore it creates resentment and ultimately hatred.
A weak person seeks out people weaker than themselves to make suffer because they feel crushed by those above them who make them feel inferior.
Bullies are ultimately weaklings and to defeat them you show them no weakness.