Guilty of intention

Halo Kitty

My OH at present is working abroad for the past 3 years so our relationship is long distance. (China) We try to meet up 2 or 3 times a year.. I spent 3 months there last year.. We text daily talk on the phone maybe 3 or 4 times a week... So we are communicating okay... Now the issue.. My OH is heading away with a few of the boys for a weekend to Manila.. Great says I ..
But last night he rang me after too many drinks (really drunk in fact) and he says he was packing for the weekend and brought condoms.. I asked why and he said it was better to be safe than sorry..as he does not know what could happen...when we spoke tonight he could not recall telling me this.. But I think this has shattered what I thought was a relationship.. 7 years together ..I told him we would talk before he leaves tomorrow but I don't know what to say to him...
Any words of wisdom or advice I would be grateful...

LegacyUser

I think you should end the relationship. Your trust no longer exists. Are you happy in the relationship even aside from that, long distance is difficult. All the best to you whatever you decide. Talk to him about it, it seems as though possibly you have not yet.

Alf. A. Male

That's more than just "who knows what could happen", that's adding planning and preparation to the thought, that's premeditated cheating. Confessing sounds like wants out and wanted to be caught, save him the trouble of an honest break. I can't see how you could trust him from now on. Relationships are difficult enough without trust, long distance ones are impossible without it. Personally I'd be ending this now.

LegacyUser

Something like this happened to me once. I threw my ex's raincoat on to run out to the car and found a foreign-brand condom in the pocket, a few weeks after he'd been away for work.

I knew what it meant, or course, but went into extreme denial and never mentioned it. No idea whether he did sleep with anyone on that trip, of course, but the problem was that he was more than open to the idea.

The relationship did not last much longer.

I would advise talking to him, though I can't assure you of a happy outcome. It might be a good idea not to invest too much more time in a relationship where your OH has cheating even in the back of his mind.

Halo Kitty

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

That's more than just "who knows what could happen", that's adding planning and preparation to the thought, that's premeditated cheating. Confessing sounds like wants out and wanted to be caught, save him the trouble of an honest break. I can't see how you could trust him from now on. Relationships are difficult enough without trust, long distance ones are impossible without it. Personally I'd be ending this now.

I want to thank you for your honest reply.. To be honest I was thinking on the same lines..
Just very confused as we were planning our next meet up.. Even looked at ways of me joining him to live in China.. (Not possible due to visa restrictions). Tomorrows phone call before his departure will be difficult..to say the least.. The aftermath could be worse..
Thank you again..

diveout

Personally I wouldn't be all that interested in someone I could only see three times a year. I might do it but I wouldn't invest much and seriously don't you want more?

Alf. A. Male

Halo Kitty wrote: »

Just very confused as we were planning our next meet up.. Even looked at ways of me joining him to live in China.. (Not possible due to visa restrictions). Tomorrows phone call before his departure will be difficult..to say the least.. The aftermath could be worse..
Thank you again..

The fact that you were planning the next trip may be what brought it to a head for him, he didn't want you coming over knowing what he was thinking of doing, knowing he couldn't face you and face an honest conversation.

dizzymiss

Im sorry for you Halo Kitty. Long distance is very difficult and trust is so important. First thing I thought when reading this was, wonder if or how many times he's done this before he accidentally let it slip. I sound like a bitch but im just being honest.

Cut him loose. You deserve better. Find someone closer to home that will treat you better.

Halo Kitty

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

The fact that you were planning the next trip may be what brought it to a head for him, he didn't want you coming over knowing what he was thinking of doing, knowing he couldn't face you and face an honest conversation.

That is the confusing part about it as it was he that was trying to get me a visa even writing to the consulate.and contacting visa agencies. Getting me a free flight yearly from the company plus medical..
I went back to education 2 years ago finishing this friday.. Then the hope was that I would think about coming over..
I have not had the chance to talk to him yet due to time difference.
I am so confused and hurt and thought we had a solid foundation.. We met up in April and actually spoke about our future and how we could make it work etc..all meaniless now I guess
Thank you again for replying.. Really appreciate the openness and honesty..

CaraMay

It's not good op. You just don't need this hassle. There would be nothing he cited say which would make me feel secure after a clanger like that.

He probably does want you over but it obviously doesn't mean it will stop him sleeping around in the meantime

Starokan

people who cheat rarely come clean about what their planning to do, when someone is totally wasted they can say things that are a million miles away from the truth. I do not buy into the truth comes out when your drunk theory.

He is a grade A ass for saying something like that to you when your so far away but i honestly would advise talking it out with him before you call it a day, imo there's a good chance this was just him being an attention seeking dick while drunk

R.D. aka MR.D

Is he in mainland China? If so, then getting you any visa to come over for 6months or more isn't actually that difficult. Did you even research it yourself?

Saying that, you should probably end it. As others are saying, this is probably the cowards way out for him. If I were you, then i wouldn't call him. I'd just cut my ties and show him as much respect as he has shown you which is none.

You'll get over this OP. You deserve better than some one who would string you along and then cheat on you.

LegacyUser

Starokan wrote: »

imo there's a good chance this was just him being an attention seeking dick while drunk

Sorry, but I've never ever heard of that happening to me or anyone I know! Doesn't mean it's impossible; I do think it's fairly improbable though!

What are you suggesting that his motivation is? To cause hurt? Maximum drama? How is what he said 'looking for attention'? If he had said that lots of girls were flirting with him, that's a dickish thing to say at the best of times (let alone when he is so far away) - but I can't get my head around how blatantly saying that he has at least planned for the possibility of sex with someone else can be written off as attention seeking!

I think he's been cheating or is strongly open to the possibility. I think you should get out OP. At best, he's a nasty manipulative idiot. At worst, he was dumb enough to confess his cheating ways. Or, as happens so often, maybe the truth is in between: he doesn't love you enough to keep the LDR going, and wants you to do the deed & break up with him.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think this is his way of trying to break up with you. I think he is more than likely earnest about his plans for you to go out there. And does want the relationship with you to continue. But... I think he wants you to have a more open and relaxed "relationship" until you do get there.

He's probably testing the waters to see how you'd react. I don't buy that he was so drunk he has no recollection of saying it to you. How drunk wad he? Usually someone who can't remember saying something is so drunk they can hardly string 2 words together. Or might forget they said something until they are reminded. He remembers saying it. Having had the few drinks gave him the courage to bring it up with you, and when you appeared less than impressed with the "plan", he back peddled.

Halo Kitty wrote: »

he says he was packing for the weekend and brought condoms.. I asked why and he said it was better to be safe than sorry..as he does not know what could happen...

when we spoke tonight he could not recall telling me this..

Ok, he couldn't remember telling you.. but at the time he did tell you, he said he had already packed at that stage. So was he denying he had packed them, or was he just surprised he told you?

Up to you if you want to relax the relationship status until you are together on a more permanent footing.. but I think that's probably what he's hoping you'll agree to.

Starokan

Don't buy it as an excuse wrote: »

Sorry, but I've never ever heard of that happening to me or anyone I know! Doesn't mean it's impossible; I do think it's fairly improbable though!

What are you suggesting that his motivation is? To cause hurt? Maximum drama? How is what he said 'looking for attention'? If he had said that lots of girls were flirting with him, that's a dickish thing to say at the best of times (let alone when he is so far away) - but I can't get my head around how blatantly saying that he has at least planned for the possibility of sex with someone else can be written off as attention seeking!

I think he's been cheating or is strongly open to the possibility. I think you should get out OP. At best, he's a nasty manipulative idiot. At worst, he was dumb enough to confess his cheating ways. Or, as happens so often, maybe the truth is in between: he doesn't love you enough to keep the LDR going, and wants you to do the deed & break up with him.

I'm basing it on the op saying that her boyfriend said he could not remember saying it at all. If you are that far gone that you have blacked out then for me you have to take everything you hear with a massive pinch of salt. Of course it may be be true but it also may not be. When you cannot remember what you have said or done due to taking a large quantity of what is in essence a drug then what you hear is for me just not that reliable.

Its an unbelievably difficult scenario for the op because when you hear something like that its very hard not to believe it.

P. Breathnach

OP, I wonder what your boyfriend is like when he is very drunk.

The obvious interpretation of what he said is that he became unguarded, and let the truth slip out. It's what I would think the best read.

But is it possible that when he is drunk he becomes a bit of a windup artist? You know him, so you have a chance of evaluating that possibility.

Halo Kitty

Not only does he not remember telling me .. He cannot recall talking to me on the phone at all.. It was totally incoherent at times during the call..but I can recall that's the problem.. we have not spoken of it yet due to time difference and work/ study. But I think he knows something is wrong as I have not responded to any of his text/ emails this morning...just need some time to think..

Merkin

I think whether he was rat arsed or not is kind of incidental, what is said is said and it shows at least some intent as you rightly point out.

LDRs are tough and require 100% trust for them to work - I don't see how you could possibly come back from something like this.

Starokan

sunflower27 wrote: »

The thing is, anyone can say 'I don't remember saying that' as a way of shrugging the comment off as meaningless.

I agree completely with you, its probably one of the most used excuses there is but it genuinely does happen people for real too. I'm probably speaking from experience a bit because back in the day when I used to drink excessively I would black out as in completely 100% no recollection for 2/3 hours in a night , I said and did things that would be so far removed from my normal behaviour. I assumed I was in a complete minority but as I went on to work in a lot of pubs and come into contact with a lot of drinkers I realised that its a lot more common than people think.

About 6 months ago I had a chap in on a saturday night telling everyone his dad was dead , the father was a very popular man, loads of people started calling to the house the next day. The father was alive and well and the son literally had no idea why he said it or what reason there was for it.

In short drinking to excess for a lot of people is just a bad idea myself included. No excuses for acting like an ass, its just that I know it can happen for real and perhaps as unlikely as it seems he literally was just being an ass

Idle Passerby

If he's packing condoms for his holidays, I'd be thinking he's had a stock of them at home too. The fact that it drunkenly slipped out sounds like he's made peace with the idea (the fact?) of sleeping with people besides you a while back.

Witchie

Whether he actually does go through with cheating on you or not, the buying of condoms is showing an intention to do so and that in itself would be enough for me to question if this is the right relationship for me.

I had a similar story when I was married. My ex hubby went out on a stag night and didn't arrive home til an ungodly hour, hours after the niteclub ended. He told me he had to walk home coz there were no taxis and I accepted this at the time but just had a feeling there was more to it.

A few days later I went to put on a wash and checked his pockets of the jeans he had worn that night and found a box of condoms from a toilet vending machine. I questioned him and he told me that the Stag had encouraged him to buy them and try to get lucky that night coz he may as well. He said he didn't do anything but I could never fully trust him again. Couple that a few months later with me finding a letter from his ex saying that they should meet up and he could bring me and she would bring some random fella and then I would never suspect that they had been meeting up.

My marriage ended not long after that leaving 2 very little boys at the time without a dad coz he chose to become very distant in their lives and I still worry years later that they have a struggle ahead of them in their lives coming to terms with their dad's behaviour towards them.

So basically what I am saying is in your position I would be ending it. If he has thought so little of you to go a step further than thinking of cheating to actually buying condoms, then he is more than likely going to stray and if you stay you could end up complicating matters by moving to China and/or bringing children into the mix and that is going to make it a lot worse.

_Whimsical_

I'm inclined to agree with the above poster. If he's absolutely committed and expecting you to move to China and give up your life for your relationship, if it's that serious in his head, then there's no way he's out buying condoms not to mention packing them.
He presumably didn't bluster out blind drunk into the streets to buy them that night but bought them at a time when he was most likely sober. The possibility of having sex is still in his head, part of his life,regardless of your relationship.

This isn't even a "lets see how it goes" sort of situation really. You're considering the real prospect of going over to china to be with him, you're talking about sacrificing a lot. Fast forward 5 years into the future, do you want to be living over there, having children perhaps with someone such a question mark would hang over?
I know I wouldn't.

Halo Kitty

He is at present enjoying his time away with the boys as I have being receiving text messages telling me about his days. So after 3 days I returned his text asking him why he bothers texting me when he is prepared to sleep with someone else. It us a very cruel thing to do..
I am waiting for the text to be delivered..

Chattastrophe!

For me, the relationship would be over immediately.

Maybe he's never cheated on you. Maybe he wouldn't have ended up cheating on you this weekend. But he was willing to. It wasn't just a possibility for him - he planned for it. He was open to it. Makes me think it's not the first time for him.

I'm very sad for you OP. You're in a horrible position. But honestly I think you need to end the relationship now - don't listen to any of his excuses - just end it, don't look back, begin the process of moving on.

missjm

I once found condoms in an ex's jacket pocket. We were doing the long distance thing at the time and I was on the pill so we didn't use condoms when we were together (stupid regardless!). I remember asking him about them and I got some half lame story that it was just in case. I went on a website at the time (not this one) asking for advice and was told I was over-reacting etc etc. Less than 2 months later when I flew over to surprise him for Valentine's I caught him red handed. I wish I'd just gone with my gut when I found the condoms to be honest. I knew things didn't add up and from then on I was suspicious which probably led me to 'surprise him'.

Trust is the key ingredient for an LDR. Without it there's nothing. Go with your gut on this one.

Raminahobbin

For me this would be the end of the relationship too, I just don't think I could continue with the seed of doubt that had been planted.

I really feel for you OP. Make sure you mind yourself over the next while