I just don't care.

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I'm 26, female, single, Irish, and live in Dublin. My job is fine, pays the bills and I get on well with my family. I have a small, but perfect circle of friends and I have interests/hobbies like swimming, hillwalking, cooking, animals and art. I don't drink very much at all so I don't really go out very much. I'm fairly content with life I suppose.

I was at a party at the weekend and was chatting to a few cool people, listening to some good music etc and having a good time. At one stage, one of my good friends cornered me outside for a smoke and we had a big deep and meaningful where the topic of relationships came up.

I was in a very intense relationship that turned violent at the end and ended up with me being hospitalised after having a nervous breakdown. That was in 2010. 4 years ago.

I've had brief flings and one other "official" relationship that also ended in disaster as he turned out to be a heroin addict with this massive other life that he hid from me for 4 months. Basically, since that, I've taken the last two years "off" to look after myself.

Anyway, my friend, who would know me quite well but didn't know me when I was in the aforementioned relationship said to me that "surely you must want to get back on the horse again?".

The weird thing is, I don't. I have no interest in relationships at all. I've no patience for the "getting to know you" phase where you ask the same inane questions over and over again - "where you based? what do you do?" and all the fake "hahaha" amusement at stuff you don't care about.

I don't know if it's just my age group or what, but anyone I meet online or in bars etc are all just looking for the ride and aren't interested in getting to know someone and talking about interesting things. I'm not a snob, but I like intellectual conversation - but for that again, I'd talk about rugby until the cows come home and get me started on food/cooking and I'll talk all night but jesus christ, try and find a man in Dublin who wants to actually talk about something other than the ride... (generalisation, I know)

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this stage in their life where they just don't care if they're in a relationship. I'm quite happy on my own. I want kids and that further down the line but I just don't feel that I connect with anyone other than the friends that I have.

My friends talk about "needing" the ride and needing to be texting someone/seeing someone and I just don't care. I'm quite happy with my dogs and my cooking and just being quite chilled. I don't necessarily feel that I'm missing out, but I do feel that I might look back in a few more years and think "I should have made an effort".

Sorry for the length of the post, I just needed to get all my thoughts out on a page.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Tokyo

I'm quite happy on my own. I want kids and that further down the line but I just don't feel that I connect with anyone other than the friends that I have.

For me, despite the length of your post, these are the most important lines in it. You've been through some very unpleasant experiences in the past few years, experiences that would leave plenty of other people reeling for a long time afterwards, yet right now you are happy in your life and how you live it - which in my opinion is a great place to be. Plenty of posters in this forum strive to be in that position.

I wouldn't worry about comparing yourself to your friends - if you don't feel the need to chase a guy down "just because", then don't force yourself into it. You seem to have an active social life - the right guy will come along sooner or later. One thing I will say though is that if you are only meeting guys online or in bars then it might take a while to find the intellectual conversation you are looking for. You take part in other activities such as hillwalking, art and so on - have you tried meeting people through those activities? I imagine that there is a local hillwalking club in your area, or groups that get together for artistic events - have you looked into anything like this??

Starokan

i think a lot of people feel like that op, it seems to me that being single is no longer this big stigma in society, there are in my experience many people who really are just not that pushed when it comes to being in a relationship.

if your happy its all good imo

driftkingire

if your happy right now then dont force yourself to do something you dont want to do. like mike-ie said the right guy will pop up sooner or later! enjoy yourself and when your ready to settle down with mister right you will know yourself when your ready.

MikeSD

**** relationships. **** people. Be yourself and do not let yourself depend on somebody else. Not worth the pain is it? The way I look at it is this do nothing and surely a natural meaningful relationship will happen eventually.

ManOfMystery

There's sometimes a bit of a social stigma about not being in a relationship. Some people can't seem to fathom, accept or understand that others can be totally happy and content just being on their own. The people who don't understand this or usually ones who've been in relationships for much of their adult life and thus haven't experienced singledom for long periods. They equate being in a relationship = happiness.

I've never understood it myself. I've been in 3 big relationships in my adult life and married now, but I never felt I was missing out when I was single - it was just another stage in life. There were pros and cons to being single, and pros and cons to being with someone. You could argue that humans are naturally inclined to not want to be alone, but I don't think that means you can't be happy just being on your own for a few years - especially after having gone through some traumatic things like yourself. I enjoyed being able to do what I wanted, when I wanted, and not answering to anyone. Then when I got married I could no longer just think of No.1, but the trade-off was that I was with someone I loved and sharing our lives together. I never felt I was only living half my life when I was single.

Anyway, my point is : don't start doubting yourself, or your life. We can overanalyse too much. If you're happy and you're content, then that's all that matters, really? And perhaps in another year or two your thoughts on this may change and you may want to start going out with someone, and to share your life with someone, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

I think you're in a very good place actually. People often go into relationships with baggage, or on a rebound from someone else, or with issues of some kind. And they come here for advice, and are often told they have to be happy with themselves first in order to to be happy with someone else. You ARE happy with yourself, so just keep enjoying your life and take things as they come.

Good luck

riveratom

I think society has just conditioned people to believe that they must be in a relationship or there is something 'wrong' that has to be fixed.

I was at a wedding with around 30-40 people last year where I was the only single person there (as far as I can recall). My friend the bride was like 'oh we're going to have to find someone for this one' on more than once occasion.

It didn't bother me but it just shows that people see an unfinished jigsaw of sorts when they see someone who is single (especially if they are coupled up).

It's silly but a lot of people just think that way as culture / society has conditioned them to think like that - but that's not something they realise.

I'm early-mid 30s, and apart from about a 9-10 month period when I was a teenager, another 10 months or so when I was in my early 20s, and approx a year around 2008-9, I have been single all my life and it doesn't bother me at all. Nearly of my friends and family are in relationships and most of them would probably want to see me meeting someone, but it just doesn't bother me all that much.

Society wants to put you in a box that fits with what it thinks you should be - disregard it!

gaynorvader

There are men out there who are interested in more than 'the ride' OP, I promise (I'm actually one of them). I feel the same way when I go out, that all the women are only interested in one thing. It could be just the bar scene, I think joining a club would be a better way of meeting people.
It's the reason I've stopped going out as much, I prefer having a conversation without needing to shout.
Best of luck, and try not to worry too much about what others think.

Emme

OP, did you get counselling after the violent relationship and the heroin addict? You seem to be in a good place but if an ex put you in hospital counselling might be a good idea even if it is four years later.

Tag rugby might be a good way for you to meet like minded people.

Merkin

I've been in your shoes and I personally think it's a great situation to be in. After a long-term relationship in my 20s I resolutely decided for a number of years to be single. I had numerous flings and had a great time over those years but I just didn't want to commit to anyone or be in any semblance of a relationship. And it's an empowering position to be in because you're not going out on the town with any kind of agenda, you're not feeling any pressure about meeting someone and you get to experience the blissful joy of being totally and utterly selfish.

Societal norms dictate that everyone should be paired up and I find that quite sad. It's great to be self reliant and self contained and revel in your own company. I love hanging out with myself! If you do then decide at a later stage that you would like to meet someone you come armed as a wholly rounded and secure individual who knows being alone is ok too and you're not basing your entire life's happiness on meeting someone. It means you bring a lot to the table and when you do meet someone it's because they're really fabulous rather than rushing into it for the sake of it.

Enjoy every moment of it girl

Lou.m

justdontcare123 wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm 26, female, single, Irish, and live in Dublin. My job is fine, pays the bills and I get on well with my family. I have a small, but perfect circle of friends and I have interests/hobbies like swimming, hillwalking, cooking, animals and art. I don't drink very much at all so I don't really go out very much. I'm fairly content with life I suppose.

I was at a party at the weekend and was chatting to a few cool people, listening to some good music etc and having a good time. At one stage, one of my good friends cornered me outside for a smoke and we had a big deep and meaningful where the topic of relationships came up.

I was in a very intense relationship that turned violent at the end and ended up with me being hospitalised after having a nervous breakdown. That was in 2010. 4 years ago.

I've had brief flings and one other "official" relationship that also ended in disaster as he turned out to be a heroin addict with this massive other life that he hid from me for 4 months. Basically, since that, I've taken the last two years "off" to look after myself.

Anyway, my friend, who would know me quite well but didn't know me when I was in the aforementioned relationship said to me that "surely you must want to get back on the horse again?".

The weird thing is, I don't. I have no interest in relationships at all. I've no patience for the "getting to know you" phase where you ask the same inane questions over and over again - "where you based? what do you do?" and all the fake "hahaha" amusement at stuff you don't care about.

I don't know if it's just my age group or what, but anyone I meet online or in bars etc are all just looking for the ride and aren't interested in getting to know someone and talking about interesting things. I'm not a snob, but I like intellectual conversation - but for that again, I'd talk about rugby until the cows come home and get me started on food/cooking and I'll talk all night but jesus christ, try and find a man in Dublin who wants to actually talk about something other than the ride... (generalisation, I know)

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this stage in their life where they just don't care if they're in a relationship. I'm quite happy on my own. I want kids and that further down the line but I just don't feel that I connect with anyone other than the friends that I have.

My friends talk about "needing" the ride and needing to be texting someone/seeing someone and I just don't care. I'm quite happy with my dogs and my cooking and just being quite chilled. I don't necessarily feel that I'm missing out, but I do feel that I might look back in a few more years and think "I should have made an effort".

Sorry for the length of the post, I just needed to get all my thoughts out on a page.

Any advice would be appreciated.

This post resonated so closely with me.

I went through 2 yrs of the most horribly abusive relationship. Role your two villains into one op and you have this guy.

What I would say is that your friends may mean well but you got into an abusive relationship because of reasons. You need to commit yourself to never being victimized again. What led you to 2 abusive men? I had one but you repeated the cycle.

If you don't work out why and work on yourself you will keep doing it.

Men like that tend to spot women who are vulnerable and prey on them. Seriously you need to heal.

There will be no doubt some emotional trauma that quite frankly unless someone has been through it they are not going to have the life experience to 'get it'.

My friends talk about "needing" the ride

I assume these are male friends?? :rolleyes:

Look you need to work on losing the phobia or negative feeling towards relationships. And you need to make sure the men you let in from now on are healthy caring genuine and non abusive. Stop the cycle.
I wanted to make sure I did not take negative experiences forward in life and that I did not take it out on others either. I feel it is wonderful to be happy and single if that is for the right reasons.

apieceofcake

Hi,

You're only 26...you've plenty of time to meet someone on your wavelength.

You seem happy in your own skin anyway, with your own interests, so that's half the battle in my opinion. I think it's a good way to be...to be able to be on your own....not jumping from relationship to relationship like some.

all the best

missjm

Isn't it far better to be happy and on your own than unhappy and with somebody? It took me a very long time to work this one out. I used to be miserable putting up with bad behaviour or somebody dragging me down because I thought it was better than being on my own. Gosh, if I had that time back now!! All you have to do is read some of the posts on here to see how awful being with the 'wrong' person is. If you're happy with your lot now, enjoy every minute of it and if/when the time comes you will know it's right rather than searching for something you don't particularly care about right now.
You sound like you have it very together at the moment - well done!

Pawn

justdontcare123 wrote: »

I'm quite happy with my dogs and my cooking and just being quite chilled. I don't necessarily feel that I'm missing out, but I do feel that I might look back in a few more years and think "I should have made an effort".

Nah, if you're happy - you're happy. There are times for relationships and there are times for you. Enjoy the peace, invest in yourself and feel no guilt. Watch the world around while you have time. You will see a lot of things you wouldn't normally pay attention to. Best of luck

CaraMay

It's absolutely no harm to take time out but you have to make sure you are doing it for the right reasons ie not fear.

I do find it a but unusual that you don't want sex / intimacy. Have you been erg anyone since your ex?

A lot of people just want to be in a relationship and the partner is almost an irrelevance. Being single and not looking is great fun as long as you are single for the right reasons.

beks101

mike_ie wrote: »

the right guy will come along sooner or later.

Or maybe he won't. And so what?

I think this defines what the OP seems to be experiencing and exemplifies how society is set up - particularly for women. 'He'll turn up when you least expect it',
'when you stop looking, there he'll be' etc etc. The stigma and 'abnormality' of being single. As though we should be in a permanent search for an 'other half'.

It was never an experience that resonated with me. I've spent a lot of time out of relationships throughout my life and never thought of it as any state other than normal - I just didn't meet anyone who I felt strongly enough about to fit my life around, or I was too consumed by my own stuff to worry about anyone else's. It suited me at the time, it gave me room to breathe and to grow and to focus 100% on myself and figure out some stuff before attempting to share my life with someone else.

OP, I think it's very normal and natural for you to be happy on your own and cautious about launching into something new given what you've been through. On the face of it, it's like getting burned and sticking your hand back in the fire - a mad thing to do! The good thing is, you know what you want and that's not someone who's out for the ride and not someone who's going to abuse you and make you feel like crap about yourself.

Relish your happiness now. Enjoy every second - you know what misery is and you've earned this tranquil, peaceful time to yourself where you can focus completely on your own needs. Don't compromise yourself for anyone ever again and don't worry about your friends ' opinions - it's not their life, it's yours to live.

I suspect, given your desire to settle down in the future and have a family, you'll come to a place mentally and emotionally where you're ready for a relationship again - but that time isn't now, and there's no-one inspiring you to feel that way at the moment, so just accept that and work on staying happy, fulfilling your ambitions, staying connected socially and taking care of your physical health. There's nothing remotely 'wrong' with you and in fact I think your approach is a far healthier one than that of a majority of people these days who bulldoze their way into relationships to validate themselves, without any regard for compatibility or comfort or whether that particular person is actually good for them.

Chiquitita

Totally in agreement with Beks, in fact I really enjoyed reading the post

OP ok the "natural" thing is to want a life partner, or so everyone says. From a completely personal angle I don't want to get married or have kids, for reasons that only I know.

Society will always say this that and the other, in fact a few weeks ago a friend of a friend asked me OOOH no boyfriend yet? I said no, thanks for asking, could be worse I could be married to a fella that treats me like sh*te...which she is. She shut up fairly quickly.

Not everyone (who wants to) finds their perfect match. Its as simple as, and I find it so terribly patronising that people say, like Beks pointed out, that you'll find him eventually. Talk about pressure!

As others have said you sound like you're really taking care of yourself now which should be the biggest priority and well done to you. People are always going to be nosey and ask about relationships etc. I'm happy with the decision i've made for MYself and if they have a problem they can get f*cked, frankly.

Whatever makes you happy-there's a lot to be said for it.

Lou.m

beks101 wrote: »

Or maybe he won't. And so what?

I think this defines what the OP seems to be experiencing and exemplifies how society is set up - particularly for women. 'He'll turn up when you least expect it',
'when you stop looking, there he'll be' etc etc. The stigma and 'abnormality' of being single. As though we should be in a permanent search for an 'other half'.

It was never an experience that resonated with me. I've spent a lot of time out of relationships throughout my life and never thought of it as any state other than normal - I just didn't meet anyone who I felt strongly enough about to fit my life around, or I was too consumed by my own stuff to worry about anyone else's. It suited me at the time, it gave me room to breathe and to grow and to focus 100% on myself and figure out some stuff before attempting to share my life with someone else.

OP, I think it's very normal and natural for you to be happy on your own and cautious about launching into something new given what you've been through. On the face of it, it's like getting burned and sticking your hand back in the fire - a mad thing to do! The good thing is, you know what you want and that's not someone who's out for the ride and not someone who's going to abuse you and make you feel like crap about yourself.

Relish your happiness now. Enjoy every second - you know what misery is and you've earned this tranquil, peaceful time to yourself where you can focus completely on your own needs. Don't compromise yourself for anyone ever again and don't worry about your friends ' opinions - it's not their life, it's yours to live.

I suspect, given your desire to settle down in the future and have a family, you'll come to a place mentally and emotionally where you're ready for a relationship again - but that time isn't now, and there's no-one inspiring you to feel that way at the moment, so just accept that and work on staying happy, fulfilling your ambitions, staying connected socially and taking care of your physical health. There's nothing remotely 'wrong' with you and in fact I think your approach is a far healthier one than that of a majority of people these days who bulldoze their way into relationships to validate themselves, without any regard for compatibility or comfort or whether that particular person is actually good for them.

Well put.

I have often felt people searching for the 'other half ' are searching for the other half of themselves.

Adamantium

Lou.m wrote: »

Well put.

I have often felt people searching for the 'other half ' are searching for the other half of themselves.

I hate the term "other half", imp,yin that you're wandering around half broke from the day you were born its identical in a way to the original sin ****e that the RCC and many religions teach:"you need love to be fixed" but what you're getting is the advertisement of love and not LOVE.

We replaced one imaginary symbol in our minds with another one, just as bad.

if two people can't have seperate fufilling lives outside/before the relationship, they shouldn't be in one, and that tension will surface after all the fluff and whirlwind is over.

As a teenager this seemed rather obvious and normal to me, it was only later that many other peers admitted to much the same thing, but not at the time.

I think working on this realisation early, you really do become your own person (by accident in my case) and conterintutively you become more attractive than if had ever lived up to social conditioning.

It's a long game approach, and it brings joy, not pleasure.

If you go into take any drug (a metaphor) eventually you'll won't feel happy with it, but without it, you'll feel terrible

Here's a great, sort of related video to demonstrate the difference.
George Lucas suffered a car crash when he was a barely an adult, and he really nails down the joy vs pleasure concept. Very articulate, yet plain spoken. I love it, what matters most.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCP2SGTIz28

Lou.m

Adamantium wrote: »

I hate the term "other half", imp,yin that you're wandering around half broke from the day you were born its identical in a way to the original sin ****e that the RCC and many religions teach:"you need love to be fixed" but what you're getting is the advertisement of love and not LOVE.

We replaced one imaginary symbol in our minds with another one, just as bad.

if two people can't have seperate fufilling lives outside/before the relationship, they shouldn't be in one, and that tension will surface after all the fluff and whirlwind is over.



If you go into take any drug (a metaphor) eventually you'll won't feel happy with it, but without it, you'll feel terrible

Here's a great, sort of related video to demonstrate the difference.
George Lucas suffered a car crash when he was a barely an adult, and he really nails down the joy vs pleasure concept. Very articulate, yet plain spoken. I love it, what matters most.

What I meant was by they are searching for the other half of themelves that is already apart of themselves deep inside. What they think is missing is really the other part of themselves. Your soulmate is YOU.
What you are searching for has always been with you.
Everyone has a heaven inside - Kate Bush.

We are love. We are heaven :-) I really believe that.

I think when you know that you are happy alone and if you meet someone you can share that and it means so much more!

driftkingire

i would love to believe that lou, but thats some heavy #### your pushin there!

wexfordman2

justdontcare123 wrote: »

Hi folks,

I'm 26, female, single, Irish, and live in Dublin. My job is fine, pays the bills and I get on well with my family. I have a small, but perfect circle of friends and I have interests/hobbies like swimming, hillwalking, cooking, animals and art. I don't drink very much at all so I don't really go out very much. I'm fairly content with life I suppose.

I was at a party at the weekend and was chatting to a few cool people, listening to some good music etc and having a good time. At one stage, one of my good friends cornered me outside for a smoke and we had a big deep and meaningful where the topic of relationships came up.

I was in a very intense relationship that turned violent at the end and ended up with me being hospitalised after having a nervous breakdown. That was in 2010. 4 years ago.

I've had brief flings and one other "official" relationship that also ended in disaster as he turned out to be a heroin addict with this massive other life that he hid from me for 4 months. Basically, since that, I've taken the last two years "off" to look after myself.

Anyway, my friend, who would know me quite well but didn't know me when I was in the aforementioned relationship said to me that "surely you must want to get back on the horse again?".

The weird thing is, I don't. I have no interest in relationships at all. I've no patience for the "getting to know you" phase where you ask the same inane questions over and over again - "where you based? what do you do?" and all the fake "hahaha" amusement at stuff you don't care about.

I don't know if it's just my age group or what, but anyone I meet online or in bars etc are all just looking for the ride and aren't interested in getting to know someone and talking about interesting things. I'm not a snob, but I like intellectual conversation - but for that again, I'd talk about rugby until the cows come home and get me started on food/cooking and I'll talk all night but jesus christ, try and find a man in Dublin who wants to actually talk about something other than the ride... (generalisation, I know)

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this stage in their life where they just don't care if they're in a relationship. I'm quite happy on my own. I want kids and that further down the line but I just don't feel that I connect with anyone other than the friends that I have.

My friends talk about "needing" the ride and needing to be texting someone/seeing someone and I just don't care. I'm quite happy with my dogs and my cooking and just being quite chilled. I don't necessarily feel that I'm missing out, but I do feel that I might look back in a few more years and think "I should have made an effort".

Sorry for the length of the post, I just needed to get all my thoughts out on a page.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Sounds to me like you don't need any advice. Enjoy your contentment and don't stress about it. An interest will spark when you bump into some one who is able to spark it.

driftkingire

that video about stephen spielberg is very good. he's a very clever man.

Lou.m

driftkingire wrote: »

that video about stephen spielberg is very good. he's a very clever man.

*bites fist*

driftkingire

lol, i mean george lucas!!

Lou.m

driftkingire wrote: »

lol, i mean george lucas!!

:-) I love you for replying :-)

driftkingire

ha ha, i wuv you too!