Solution to a problem we're both to blame for?

FERGAL7

Me and my girlfriend were out last night. She got very drunk. We were walking down the stairs with some of our friends and a guy bumped into her. He then starts trying to chat her up and I'm expecting her to just walk on by, but she doesn't. Instead she stands talking to him, not flirting back but allowing him to flirt with her. By this stage our friends are stood behind us on the stairs looking at me waiting for her while some guy chats her up and I can sense their all feeling awkward so i stand back so they can move along.

He says something to her to which she replies "Awh no I have a boyfriend" and then she lets him kiss her on the cheek and he moves along. I then confront her about it and to be fair I think she was so drunk she hadn't fully grasped the situation. She says she thought he was gay but he very obviously wasn't. She tells me she knows he was gay but when i ask her what would lead her to tell a gay guy in a night club that she has a boyfriend she "can't remember". I asked her what she would have done if the shoe was on the other foot and she said she would have been livid.I made her feel very bad about it which I felt guilty about but by this morning we had resolved it.

Then this morning her friend came over and said that my gf is a very good looking girl, implied I was below her and who is gonna get chatted up by guys(which I fully understand) and I can't be telling her she can't entertain them when that happens(Which I disagree with. i wouldn't make her stand and watch some girl chat me up and then kiss me on the cheek while she is waiting for me.) We had pretty much resolved the issue and were both just in the cooling off period but that really annoyed me and lead to the whole thing kicking up again.

So has anyone any advice I know I over reacted but it was very obvious to me what was going on and I felt when I was basically stood waiting for her she should have removed herself from the situation not kept it going. She said if I felt that uncomfortable i should have came over but I don't wanna be the guy who whenever he sees a guy talking to his girl is running across the bar to her. In my view she should have known the guy was flirting with her and not entertained it like she did.

Merkin

I'd let this one go. You said she was extremely drunk so I'd say she could have been beside a coat stand and started a conversation with that. You've expressed your displeasure, she has acknowledged it was a little inappropriate, so it's now time to drop it,

retro:electro

Just let it go, it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. You do seem to be really insecure though.

Starokan

just one of those things that happen on drunken nights, awkward as hell for you both in cold light of day no biggie imo

Her friend needs to stop interfering though

FERGAL7

I know I was insecure about it but she did admit had the shoe been on the other foot she would have flew off the handle. By this stage it's something we both want to move on from. But I'm concerned about what happens the next time a guy flirts with her has anyone any advice as to what's appropriate to do in that situation?
Also your right that the friend should mind her own business(I understand if we have a fight she might want to talk to someone but this girl is crazy, very irrational and just not a good person to get an outside view on a situation from.) but our relationship is very young and for the moment I just have to accept that. I'm hoping that when we've been dating for a few more months if her friend sticks her nose in like that again I'll be able to say there's two people in this relationship not three(without being afraid of her flying off the handle!)

Starokan

you have to trust your girlfriend, your problem here is you are trying to dictate how she behaves, you cannot do that, she is your partner not your possession.

Trust that if a guy flirts with her she will deal with it in her own way, what has happened on your night out is gone, so she let a guy kiss her on the cheek while drunk, she also said she has a boyfriend, let it go for your own good or it will eat away at you and you will end up creating a thousand what if scenarios in your head.

Girls get flirted with all the time and they flirt back, guys do it too, its fun , its ego boosting , it would be a pretty dull night out if you had to restrict your nights out by not talking to new people because your attached.

Flirting with someone does not mean you will run off with them.Lose the insecurities you have or they will destroy your fledging relationship.

Merkin

FERGAL7 wrote: »

I know I was insecure about it but she did admit had the shoe been on the other foot she would have flew off the handle. By this stage it's something we both want to move on from. But I'm concerned about what happens the next time a guy flirts with her has anyone any advice as to what's appropriate to do in that situation?

What do you mean what's appropriate to do in that situation? You do nothing. What age are you both? Because she is going to get people flirting with her and propositioning her and that's part of being a woman. Unless you ask her to start wearing a burka (please don't) she is going to get male attention here and there and unless she is a shameless flirt back or leading people on, just ignore it and feel smug that she's going home with you.

This only has to develop into an issue if you let it, and in turn, it will ultimately destroy your relationship if your distrustful and suspicious. Let it go.

Nuttzz

So she was really drunk and yet still told some guy she had a boyfriend, honestly I think you are on to a winner.

If she had any doubts about you there could have been a different outcome, remember the old saying "in vino veritas" I think you are overly worried, shes a good looking girl and she's going out with you, jealously and worrying about here is something thats going to end it pretty quickly!

LegacyUser

"Solution to problem we're both to blame for"

She is not to blame for anything and you are responsible for your own jealousy. I get the impression that you are young, maybe it;s your first love? Jealous can be a big part of things but it's something you need to keep in check.

Your girlfriend did nothing wrong. She is entitled to talk to whomever she wants. Had she ignored this guy and walked straight past him that would be rude and not a nice way to treat someone. She chatted to him and told him she has a boyfriend. She behaved perfectly.

If she's an attractive girl she will get chatted up. That is not her fault and nor should you get angry with her about it. If she was the one approaching guys and chatting them up well then I could understand the insecurity.

Most importantly, keep in mind that she is her own person, she's not your person. She gives you access to her heart and to her body because you're her boyfriend but you do not own these things.

Stavro Mueller

I fail to see what the problem is. Your girlfriend did nothing wrong from but you're building this up into something bigger than it should be. If you keep this sort of nonsense up you might just find yourself without a girlfriend.

From what I can see your girlfriend was being social and chatty to a guy she had no intention of doing anything untoward with. I bet you'd not have had a problem if it had been a woman she was talking to. Have you never been out with friends who get caught up in "deep meaningful" discussions with strangers?

ManOfMystery

With regards to your girlfriend, I would drop this now. She was very drunk, she only chatted to the guy and she still managed to proclaim she was off-limits by stating she had a boyfriend. That's a good thing, not a bad thing. If she was very drunk she may not even have been half aware if you were standing right next to her or 50 yards away. This is a non-issue, really.

It's slightly awkward, but no-one really did anything wrong here did they? The guy probably didn't know she had a boyfriend until she told him, she didn't lie and say she was single or kiss him, and you didn't fly off the handle and punch him. So you're overthinking things a little.

However, I would be a bit annoyed that her friend is sticking her oar in, and especially with a statement implying you're out of your girlfriend's league. I wouldn't be long in telling that friend to mind her own business. Your relationship with your girlfriend is between the two of you, and the two of you alone.

gaynorvader

FERGAL7 wrote: »

I know I was insecure about it but she did admit had the shoe been on the other foot she would have flew off the handle. By this stage it's something we both want to move on from. But I'm concerned about what happens the next time a guy flirts with her has anyone any advice as to what's appropriate to do in that situation?
Also your right that the friend should mind her own business(I understand if we have a fight she might want to talk to someone but this girl is crazy, very irrational and just not a good person to get an outside view on a situation from.) but our relationship is very young and for the moment I just have to accept that. I'm hoping that when we've been dating for a few more months if her friend sticks her nose in like that again I'll be able to say there's two people in this relationship not three(without being afraid of her flying off the handle!)

Most of the time you have to do nothing. If you were waiting for her to leave like in the original post, you can just go over to her and say something simple like "Are you ready?" or "We've got to get going <friends> are waiting for us.". Just try not to make a big deal of it, people flirt all the time.

PhiloCypher

I think some of you are being a wee bit hard on the OP, if it would have been an issue for her if the roles were reversed (she said she would have been livid) then why was it wrong for the OP to be concerned. Smells like a double standard to me. True she did knock it on the head once the dude outright propositioned her but the fact that she floated a porky over thinking he was gay suggests she knows she should have politely put an end to it sooner being as it sounds like her bf was right behind her on the stairs.

All that being said it's important to note that she did, in the end, knock back his advances and felt badly enough about it the next day to rationalise/tell a porky about why it lasted as long as it did which suggests she does care about the OP and his feelings.

Best to drop it and move on OP

AnonMouse

I'd forget about it to be honest OP. She told the guy that she had a boyfriend, so it's not like she was throwing herself at him.

DukeOfTheSharp

If it's annoying you that much, maybe sitting down and not having a massive argument while you talk it out could be the best course of action. Honestly, I wouldn't take the whole 'I thought he was gay' thing as an excuse, drunk or not, all she had to say is 'I have a boyfriend' and walk away. To entertain the guy and leave you standing there feeling awkward wasn't her best course of action, and she needs to understand that. Of course guys are going to try to flirt with her, but she can brush it off and walk away without engaging with them, it isn't hard, especially when you're nearby. Hell, she went and said that if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd have gone crazy...why is it any different with you? At the end of the day, she has to just brush it off and move on, she doesn't have to engage with the guys who attempt to flirt with her, drunk or not, so that's that. You shouldn't do a thing, if she considers a relationship a two-way street, then the solution is to avoid engaging with individuals who wish to flirt with her. Insecurity is a thing to work through, you shouldn't let it hinder you, but if your girlfriend cares and readily admits that she'd be in the same mindset, then the solution is incredibly simple. All that matters after that is moving forward, not on, because moving on leaves the problem behind and the lesson unlearned, while moving forward means you both take on board the situation you've just experienced and learning from it.

As for the friend? Tell your girlfriend to make it clear that said friend should check themselves. They can give their opinions to her, but not to you, least of all when the problem is so easily fixed and that they should mind their own business and stay out of yours.

Matteroffact

I would have expected her to make a quick excuse and not to engage with this guy in front of you. I would have gone over and stood beside her, just in case she needed help to get rid of him. I think she showed disrespect for you by engaging with him when she knew you were on the sidelines looking on. I can understand why you were annoyed, but at this stage you have made your point to her so this should now not be a problem in the future. I don't think you over reacted. I would have been annoyed with the friend getting involved and would have told her that I didn't want to discuss this matter with her as it was a private discussion. I would let it go now though. You have made your point.