I've been a complete gob***** but I need advice please !!!

Sheridans

I know many of you will be horrified by my actions and reckon I deserve what I get and I can't argue with that . I have been a complete and utter a****** .
I have been married to a wonderful woman for 10 years . Three years ago I had an affair . When the other woman announced she was pregnant I ended things . I didn't tell my wife . Since then she has bombarded me with abusive calls/texts/emails telling me what a low life I am (she knew I was happily married and was never ever going to leave my wife and kids for her) and demanding that I treat her and her son 'properly' . I pay weekly maintenance (more than I can afford , but she threatened to tell my wife about us ) but have never seen the child (except for photos) as they live a good three hours away from here .
Anyway , two months ago I sat down with my wife and confessed all . She truly is the most amazing woman . I know that I have broken her heart so badly that it will never mend, but she told me that she hated me for what I did and for continuing to live for three years after the affair , lying to her , but that she is prepared to work on our marriage as she knows that I love her and our kids and am truly sorry for what I did. I don't know what I've done to deserve her , but I will devote the rest of my life trying to make up to her for the mess I've made of our marriage .
The problem is that this 'other woman ' is continuing to hassle me (and now my wife) with abusive texts /phone calls and emails , threatening to come down and tell everyone all about our 'sordid' affair if I don't treat her 'properly ' . Neither my wife nor I want anyone else to know about her (at least not in the near future, until she has come to terms with the situation) . My wife however suggested that I should meet my son and get to know him , but his mother refuses to allow it . How do I get this other woman out of my life without ruining any chance I might have of getting to know my son and without her telling others about the affair before my wife is ready to face it ??
I know I don't deserve your help , my actions have been despicable . But I can't sit by and watch this woman destroying my wife (even more than I have) . So any advice would be welcome .

Merkin

You need to see a solicitor sharpish.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Are you positive that there is actually a child op? And if so are you positive it's yours?
First thing I would want is a dna test.

Tasden

I don't understand, she says she wants you to treat the child properly but when you want to have a relationship with the child she wont allow it? What exactly is she looking for so? More money?

I'd say you and your wife should maybe see about some counselling if for nothing else just so you can begin to face telling people because if you're going to have a relationship with the child its hardly fair for him to be kept a secret, so your wife is gonna have to deal with eventually- I understand its a bit premature now- but you can try work towards it.

Probably best to get it out in the open for everyone tbh but I wouldn't rush it just because of this woman and her threats either.

You're very lucky to have such an understanding wife imo

Sheridans

There is definitely a child as she lived in the same town as me until the baby was born. The first thing my wife demanded was a DNA test until she saw photographs . He's the image of our son . I mentioned the word paternity test and the other woman hit the roof , rang me on a different mobile phone so I didn't recognise the number and tore into me for daring to question her . She's like a bloody time bomb waiting to go off !!! My poor wife has even gone as far as suggesting that the child should come to live with us for his own sake !!!
Unfortunately , in my deviousness , there is no record that I ever paid her maintenance . I paid money into her back account every week but I paid with cash so never had a record of it .
How could a solicitor help ? I don't want to insist on access to the child as I'm terrified of what she could do to harm us next. Can a solicitor prevent her from making contact with us ?

ABajaninCork

In this order:

1. SOLICITOR!!

2. DNA test.

3. Counselling for you and your wife.

4. Gards - if she continues with the abuse.

ahnow

So you got this woman pregnant, and when you found out this fact, you dropped her...so she was left without you...and facing an unplanned pregnancy alone...while you had the luxury of forgetting about her, the baby, and got back to your wife and other family who you cheated on.
You begrudgingly pay weekly maintenance...Which by your attitude seems to say that you are doing her a favour- I say this because you stated that its "more than I can afford...but she threatened to tell my wife".
So you helped this woman into this situation, then drop her, treat her in a deplorable manner, and then expect her to take this treatment lying down?
I'd start with a heartfelt apology to her first of all. After that...All I've to say is I feel sorry for her, and your wife and children.

foggy_lad

We can all say that we look alike in certain respects when we are expecting to see similarities so a DNA test is number one on the list and if she refuses tell her to **** right off.

Then you need a solicitor to regularise the maintenance issue and visitation and this will include getting her bank records which will show your regular payments.

Then as has been suggested some counselling for your wife and yourself as this must have been a huge shock for your wife and can't be easy for you to be stressing about it and under threat from this other person for so long.

Best of luck with it all and hold onto that wife as she's one in a million!

ABajaninCork

And in future OP. I strongly suggest you DON'T give the baby mother any more cash!! Either you write out a cheque or get her bank details and transfer the money. That is proof you've been giving her maintenance.

I think it was very unwise of you to give the mother money without first making sure the child is indeed yours.

Sheridans

ahnow wrote: »

So you got this woman pregnant, and when you found out this fact, you dropped her...so she was left without you...and facing an unplanned pregnancy alone...while you had the luxury of forgetting about her, the baby, and got back to your wife and other family who you cheated on.
You begrudgingly pay weekly maintenance...Which by your attitude seems to say that you are doing her a favour- I say this because you stated that its "more than I can afford...but she threatened to tell my wife".
So you helped this woman into this situation, then drop her, treat her in a deplorable manner, and then expect her to take this treatment lying down?
I'd start with a heartfelt apology to her first of all. After that...All I've to say is I feel sorry for her, and your wife and children.

I'm not trying to justify what I did here . My actions were appalling .
I did apologise on many occasions to her .
In hindsight I realised that she purposely got pregnant.
She knew I was married and would never leave my wife.
The maintenance I pay (I was the one to offer when the child was born, she was the one who kept demanding more) is more than any court in the country would demand from me . I accept I have a child , but I am paying far more than I should .
All I'm interested in now is trying to fix the awful wrongs that I did , FOR MY WIFE's SAKE!! I deserve to suffer , the other woman is not blameless . My wife is the one who's suffering the most and is completely innocent .

Sheridans

foggy_lad wrote: »

We can all say that we look alike in certain respects when we are expecting to see similarities so a DNA test is number one on the list and if she refuses tell her to **** right off.

Then you need a solicitor to regularise the maintenance issue and visitation and this will include getting her bank records which will show your regular payments.

Then as has been suggested some counselling for your wife and yourself as this must have been a huge shock for your wife and can't be easy for you to be stressing about it and under threat from this other person for so long.

Best of luck with it all and hold onto that wife as she's one in a million!

Oh foggy lad, she is completely and utterly amazing !!! Thank you for your advice

Lou.m

Sheridans wrote: »

I know many of you will be horrified by my actions and reckon I deserve what I get and I can't argue with that . I have been a complete and utter a****** .
I have been married to a wonderful woman for 10 years . Three years ago I had an affair . When the other woman announced she was pregnant I ended things . I didn't tell my wife . Since then she has bombarded me with abusive calls/texts/emails telling me what a low life I am (she knew I was happily married and was never ever going to leave my wife and kids for her) and demanding that I treat her and her son 'properly' . I pay weekly maintenance (more than I can afford , but she threatened to tell my wife about us ) but have never seen the child (except for photos) as they live a good three hours away from here .
Anyway , two months ago I sat down with my wife and confessed all . She truly is the most amazing woman . I know that I have broken her heart so badly that it will never mend, but she told me that she hated me for what I did and for continuing to live for three years after the affair , lying to her , but that she is prepared to work on our marriage as she knows that I love her and our kids and am truly sorry for what I did. I don't know what I've done to deserve her , but I will devote the rest of my life trying to make up to her for the mess I've made of our marriage .
The problem is that this 'other woman ' is continuing to hassle me (and now my wife) with abusive texts /phone calls and emails , threatening to come down and tell everyone all about our 'sordid' affair if I don't treat her 'properly ' . Neither my wife nor I want anyone else to know about her (at least not in the near future, until she has come to terms with the situation) . My wife however suggested that I should meet my son and get to know him , but his mother refuses to allow it . How do I get this other woman out of my life without ruining any chance I might have of getting to know my son and without her telling others about the affair before my wife is ready to face it ??
I know I don't deserve your help , my actions have been despicable . But I can't sit by and watch this woman destroying my wife (even more than I have) . So any advice would be welcome .

You had a kid with her ....she is in your life for the rest of your life.

You should treat her properly.

But get all contact organized with a solicitor.

You have been a Gob****e sometimes when you are a gob****e you have to pay for the rest of your life.

You need to work on creating the most healthy situation for everyone that you can EVERYONE!

Your son cannot be made to pay by being your secret.

Get a DNA test.

If he is yours there is no way to wiggle out of this.

You treated this other woman like **** ..you treated your wife like ****.

The problem is not the other woman, you are the problem.

You decided to take the cowards way out and leave this woman just as she found out she was carrying your child. You used her and then dumped when she was vulnerable. She is no angel either.


Stop playing the victim you only told your wife because you had to. You only ended the affair because she got pregnant!Stop wriggling and accept responsibility deal with the consequences of your actions.

Treat everyone properly.

Stop acting surprised at what has happened. You must have known when you left her when she was pregnant this would happen. She gave birth to your kid alone.

Out of all of you i is YOU who have behaved the worst. Stop making this other woman the villain, you are the villain.

Since then she has bombarded me with abusive calls/texts/emails telling me what a low life I am

Yeah but you are one.

You got her pregnant and scarpered what did you think would happen?

You have a right to see your son. You and the mother should treat him as a priority.

Stop thinking of her as ..'this other woman'..she is the mother of your child. You did not have to do any of this you brought on yourself you could have not had an affair you could have practiced safe sex..you could have told your wife. No replace could have with should have.

Get legal advice.

You should all get counseling.

You need to calm down and get some common sense.

Get as much outside help as you can because mature behavior is not your forte you need someone else to help.

But I can't sit by and watch this woman destroying my wife (even more than I have)

She isn't you are your actions together are. She made no promise to your wife you did. You are destroying your wife together with this woman. You are the most guilty party though. You owe both women a sincere apology and all of your children from both women. This woman should apologize to your wife.
Seek mediation and a DNA test. Stop vilifying this woman.

I don't know what I've done to deserve her , but I will devote the rest of my life trying to make up to her for the mess I've made of our marriage .

Well lucky her.

Sheridans

ABajaninCork wrote: »

And in future OP. I strongly suggest you DON'T give the baby mother any more cash!! Either you write out a cheque or get her bank details and transfer the money. That is proof you've been giving her maintenance.

I think it was very unwise of you to give the mother money without first making sure the child is indeed yours.

Thank you . Since I told my wife , I have been sending the money via my own bank account . Yes , I have been stupid for many reasons . I panicked when she threatened to tell my wife about us and dug a hole for myself that just got deeper and deeper

Tokyo

OP, I'll echo the above posts by saying that you need to contact a solicitor as soon as possible. While of course you are obliged to support the child if it is yours, this woman has effectively been blackmailing you for three years now, and now that the leverage of your wife finding out is gone, she's attempting to extort money by other means.

For now you need to sit down with a solicitor, and arrange a paternity test. And should it come up positive (which you seem to think it will), you need to discuss with your solicitor and figure out what payments you should be making. If this woman refuses to go alone with this, then I would be stopping payments. If she continues to harass you or your wife, call the police and get it on record.

Look at it his way - it's been three years of blackmail and abuse so far, and you have another 15 years ahead of you of having to deal with this woman. Fair play for coming clean and telling your wife, but now you need to get everything else above board asap.

LegacyUser

Just a little warning. Your wife has only known about this for two months - she's still possibly in shock. She says she is willing to work on the relationship to try to forgive you. Don't take this for granted! You have hurt her badly and it's not that easy to forget. You are a different person to her now - one who is capable of hurting her and lying.

While trying to work everything out with the other woman and your child, etc., make sure your wife doesn't just think you're only trying to absolve your own guilt or make things easier for yourself. The two most important people here are your children (all of them) and your wife.

I speak as someone who was cheated on and who tried so, so hard to forgive. I thought I had managed it, and it was something that was so important to me. But it was too hard.

Best of luck.

ahnow

You're actually not taking responsibility for this at all...in one sentence you say you are...then you follow it up with "she purposely got pregnant", "she knew I was married", "I am paying more than I should". So in your attitude you again have the luxury of absolving yourself of the mess you made. I find your attitude absolutely appalling.
I also want to add, keeping the child a secret will cause serious damage in their life, this isn't their fault this has happened.

ABajaninCork

Sheridans wrote: »

I'm not trying to justify what I did here . My actions were appalling .
I did apologise on many occasions to her .
In hindsight I realised that she purposely got pregnant.
She knew I was married and would never leave my wife.
The maintenance I pay (I was the one to offer when the child was born, she was the one who kept demanding more) is more than any court in the country would demand from me . I accept I have a child , but I am paying far more than I should .
All I'm interested in now is trying to fix the awful wrongs that I did , FOR MY WIFE's SAKE!! I deserve to suffer , the other woman is not blameless . My wife is the one who's suffering the most and is completely innocent .

And so are the children - all of them. Remember that.

I think you're basically a decent man who made a terrible mistake. The baby mother is basically blackmailing you by demanding more money, otherwise she'll tell the world about your affair. But you know what? The most important person KNOWS!! That is your wife. Who is standing by you, saint that she is. So if the games start? Let her get on with it. But sort out your business first. That is the priority right now. Get on to a decent family solicitor and get advice. And tell the baby mother she's not getting another cent until the DNA proves you're the father. Once the results are known, get an order regularising the maintenance. And pay NOTHING in cash!!

Lou.m

ABajaninCork wrote: »

And so are the children - all of them. Remember that.

I think you're basically a decent man who made a terrible mistake. The baby mother is basically blackmailing you by demanding more money, otherwise she'll tell the world about your affair. But you know what? The most important person KNOWS!! That is your wife. Who is standing by you, saint that she is. So if the games start? Let her get on with it. But sort out your business first. That is the priority right now. Get on to a decent family solicitor and get advice. And tell the baby mother she's not getting another cent until the DNA proves you're the father. Once the results are known, get an order regularising the maintenance. And pay NOTHING in cash!!

What makes you think he is a decent man?

I would not stop paying until DNA proves he is not it will piss her off and if he is the father then it will make things worse.

ABajaninCork

Lou.m wrote: »

What makes you think he is a decent man?

I would not stop paying until DNA proves he is not it will piss her off and if he is the father then it will make things worse.

What makes you think he isn't? He made a mistake -OK?? Nobody's perfect, least of all you and I. He hasn't behaved well - we agree on that. Nobody on here is justifying what happened, especially the OP. He's trying his best to rectify that mistake.

And how is not paying the maintenance until paternity is proved making things worse? The mother is already hassling and abusing the wife. She is already trying to blackmail the family. Frankly, I don't care about the abuse the OP's getting - it's his mess.

So tell me - How is the fact maintenance might be suspended making things worse?

Tokyo

Lou.m wrote: »

You have been a Gob****e sometimes when you are a gob****e you have to pay for the rest of your life.

etc etc...

Lou.m - you are more than welcome to your opinion, and to disagree with the OP's view on the situation. However, the OP has come here for mature and constructive advice, and tirades like the one above will not be tolerated.

Regards,
Mike

December2012

Go and see a marraige counsellor. Your wife needs to have a place to process this change in her life.

I feel if you and your wife try and fight the problem of the mother of your child without starting to deal with the lying and the cheating she will help you, but she may feel worse for it because she will be helping you.

Do keep paying maintenance.

When you and your wife are ready, take proper legal advice.

Having said that - try to keep things as calm as possible with your ex. Don't threaten or demand anything. Just try some better, calmer, communication.

Maybe you could go and visit your son.

Start small and with the support and guidance of a family counsellor who is familiar with this situation.

nc19

ahnow wrote: »

You're actually not taking responsibility for this at all...in one sentence you say you are...then you follow it up with "she purposely got pregnant", "she knew I was married", "I am paying more than I should". So in your attitude you again have the luxury of absolving yourself of the mess you made. I find your attitude absolutely appalling.
I also want to add, keeping the child a secret will cause serious damage in their life, this isn't their fault this has happened.

You come across as a very bitter woman

lovelyjubbly

ABajaninCork wrote: »

So tell me - How is the fact maintenance might be suspended making things worse?

It could cause undue hardship for his son, it will sour relations further and if it goes to court reflects really poorly on OP- Judges tend to get really pissed off when maintenance is stopped and have jailed men for this.

In future years when his son calls him out on it (mam will undoubtedly tell him) what does OP say to him? Sorry I wanted to make sure you were mine?!

Keep paying maintenance, paternity test, guardianship and access. You have no legal rights to this child, should anything happen his mother you may not get him. Indeed you might not find out for a while so what provisions are there for this?

Sheridans

Thank you so much to everyone who's given me constructive advice . I will take it all onboard .

December2012 wrote: »

Maybe you could go and visit your son.
.

I arranged to meet my son once (I had a meeting nearby so didn't have to make excuses to my wife - another deceit I know ) . We arranged to meet in a local hotel . When I got there , there was only herself . She said she needed the chance to talk and that her mother would drop the child across in an hour . She then proceeded to try to rekindle our relationship, told me that our child was not coming and told me that she'd booked a room for us . I left .
I will not put myself in that position again and I certainly do not expect my wife to accept me travelling up to meet my child without her accompanying me (but not meet the child initially ) . My wife will come with me , but this woman says she will not allow me to meet my son if my wife is anywhere in the vicinity .

beks101

What physical evidence do you have that this child exists? And if you're certain of that, what physical evidence do you have that he is yours?

December2012

Sheridans wrote: »

Thank you so much to everyone who's given me constructive advice . I will take it all onboard .



I arranged to meet my son once (I had a meeting nearby so didn't have to make excuses to my wife - another deceit I know ) . We arranged to meet in a local hotel . When I got there , there was only herself . She said she needed the chance to talk and that her mother would drop the child across in an hour . She then proceeded to try to rekindle our relationship, told me that our child was not coming and told me that she'd booked a room for us . I left .
I will not put myself in that position again and I certainly do not expect my wife to accept me travelling up to meet my child without her accompanying me (but not meet the child initially ) . My wife will come with me , but this woman says she will not allow me to meet my son if my wife is anywhere in the vicinity .

Why won't you go meet this woman? She was good enough for you to have an affair with, and have sex with. She is the mother of your child. You have to accept that she is in your life.

If she books a room and you turn her down so what?

You stick to the point and if she won't then you leave. And try again later.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that one reason she gets dramatic with you is because you ignore her so much as a person.

LegacyUser

ahnow wrote: »

You're actually not taking responsibility for this at all...in one sentence you say you are...then you follow it up with "she purposely got pregnant", "she knew I was married", "I am paying more than I should". So in your attitude you again have the luxury of absolving yourself of the mess you made. I find your attitude absolutely appalling.
I also want to add, keeping the child a secret will cause serious damage in their life, this isn't their fault this has happened.

+ OP you start by saying I know I was wrong BUT and then a string of excuses as to why it's not really your fault. You say your wife is the only innocent party but she's not your (possible) son is as well. Your focus appears to be on saving face and not getting your self in order. Your worried about people finding out and how to stop it but your going to have accept people will find out if your to have any sort of relationship with your child and you'd remove the only really acttack his mother has against you. I don't think her actions are right but what did you really expect her to do after the way you treated her?

Get a DNA test, sort manitance and access out via the courts and speak to your GP about individual and couples counseling for you and your wife. You claim you are happily married, happily married men don't have affairs and as much as you want to balame this other woman for that it was your choice. Deal with that as an individual then focus on your relationship with your wife and all your children.

Starokan

Hard to give advice here as there are so many variables:

The best way forward that I can see is total transparency, call her bluff when she threatens to expose the affair, tell her to do so that you are happy for people to know about your son.

I would not provide any more maintenance to her, i would introduce a solicitor into the equation and pay the money monthly into escrow whereby the money will be passed to the mother when certain conditions have been met namely access and proof of parentage.

Once you have established access through the courts then hopefully you can begin a pattern whereby you become a full parent to your son.

It might also be a good idea to apologise to your sons mother as in really apologise, while her behaviour now is abysmal it has its roots in the fact that you lead her on and treated her dreadfully to the point where you abandoned her while she was pregnant. Not an easy thing for someone to get over. A heartfelt apology may provide a basis for a new beginning

Mr. Incognito

I think both of you have been pretty immature.

We only have one side to the story. We don't know how this other woman feels, what you promised her. One thing is clear, she is blackmailing you. She my have hope for the relationship and now that your wife knows she may be coming to terms with the fact she is going to be a single mom and the fairy tale she had of you leaving your wife isn't going to happen.

She has leant a hard lesson. However this does not give her any right to harass you or your wife.

You need to seek a solicitor. ASAP. An application for paternity and regularised maintenance needs to be made. Solicitors are experienced and objective.

Fifteen years goes by in the blink of an eye and you need to be the best father you can. As long as your family are behind you screw what anyone else thinks. They will soon move on to the next story.

No winners here but you need to grow up and stop hiding behind blaming this other woman and blaming her. Even if she is nuts the court can make an order and you can even get a barring order. You are as much responsible for this as she is.

That's your penance.

dellas1979

I've a question.
How did she purposely get pregnant?

Are you going to say she told you she was on the pill? But you chose not to wear a condom?

Sheridans

Just to respond to some comments.
I can't possibly expect my wife to allow me it meet up with this woman alone after everything that's happened.
I was incredibly happy in my marriage . I selfishly thought I could have my cake and eat it.
I have apologised profusely to her on more occasions that I can remember . I kept in touch with her throughout the pregnancy and while the baby was small . I told her that I couldn't be there physically for her but I supported her financially .
It was her idea not to tell my wife . I happily agreed with her . It wasn't until the baby was about six months old (and I was paying €100 a week maintenance ) that she started demanding more and threatening to tell my wife . As so much time had elapsed , I was terrified that my wife would never forgive me (and probably shouldn't ) that I gave in to her demands . I now have maxed out credit cards and have a credit union loan which I took out to try to hide it from my wife)
I never ever promised her anything . She knew from the start that I loved my wife and children and would never leave them . And I continued to tell her that there was no future for us .
Our affair was starting to run it's course (I'd told her I thought we should finish it) when she started insisting I didn't need to wear condoms as she was on the pill . I insisted and she'd put them on me . When I asked her how she could be pregnant as we'd both been taking precautions , she told me that she had to stop taking the pill coz it was making her ill .
Yes , we have both been immature and I am willing accept my penance , but it is totally unacceptable for her to treat my wife like this .

Stheno

lovelyjubbly wrote: »

It could cause undue hardship for his son, it will sour relations further and if it goes to court reflects really poorly on OP- Judges tend to get really pissed off when maintenance is stopped and have jailed men for this.

Doesn't appear court ordered, so the courts can do nothing about it.

OP are you aware of the maintenance limits that can be imposed by a court?

I agree with everyone else, get a dna test, get guardianship, get court ordered maintenance and visitation, if the dna test proves you are the father.

ElizaT33

Feel sorry for you - and definitely believe you regret bitterly the mistake you have made! Hoping your wife does too and by the sound of it, she does! Good luck to you both! But make sure you have a role in that little boy's life, he deserves to know his father - and if the mother of that little boy is a lunatic, make sure you keep a good watch over him ....!

December2012

You're still blaming her.

You were in the wrong.

100€ is not enough to support a child.

And to not see the child is horrible.

But - this is where you are now.


Have you and your wife started counselling yet?

ABajaninCork

December2012 wrote: »

You're still blaming her.

Neither are blameless. Too late to apportion blame. The only way is to deal with it.

December2012 wrote: »

You were in the wrong.

And the mother isn't? Takes two to tango...

December2012 wrote: »

100€ is not enough to support a child.

I'd let the courts decide.

December2012 wrote: »

And to not see the child is horrible.

It's not right the child doesn't know his father. Father didn't see the child for the first couple of years. BUT - he did try to see the child a couple of times recently. The mother has refused access.

December2012 wrote: »

But - this is where you are now.
Have you and your wife started counselling yet?

I'd say not. But they need to go.

dellas1979

Sheridans wrote: »

she started insisting I didn't need to wear condoms as she was on the pill . I insisted and she'd put them on me . When I asked her how she could be pregnant as we'd both been taking precautions , she told me that she had to stop taking the pill coz it was making her ill .

From what you wrote, this doesnt make one bit of sense to your idea that she purposely got pregnant. If she came off the pill, and you were still using condoms, its called an accident.

Whats done is done. And what happened happened. And you have a lot to deal with. But, I'm trying to establish the integrity, or for want of a better expression, tease out the tainted version you are painting of this woman (as an out and out a nut job). This will establish a lot about yourself and your character, where you are right now, and how you could move forward dealing with this.

retro:electro

dellas1979 wrote: »

From what you wrote, this doesnt make one bit of sense to your idea that she purposely got pregnant. If she came off the pill, and you were still using condoms, its called an accident.

Whats done is done. And what happened happened. And you have a lot to deal with. But, I'm trying to establish the integrity, or for want of a better expression, tease out the tainted version you are painting of this woman (as an out and out a nut job). This will establish a lot about yourself and your character, where you are right now, and how you could move forward dealing with this.

I think his comment that she put the condom on him is his way of saying that she tampered with the condom before putting it on him and therefore deliberately got herself pregnant. I'm not sure I believe this tbh it seems a bit far fetched.

Lou.m

Sheridans wrote: »

Just to respond to some comments.
I can't possibly expect my wife to allow me it meet up with this woman alone after everything that's happened.
I was incredibly happy in my marriage . I selfishly thought I could have my cake and eat it.
I have apologised profusely to her on more occasions that I can remember . I kept in touch with her throughout the pregnancy and while the baby was small . I told her that I couldn't be there physically for her but I supported her financially .
It was her idea not to tell my wife . I happily agreed with her . It wasn't until the baby was about six months old (and I was paying €100 a week maintenance ) that she started demanding more and threatening to tell my wife . As so much time had elapsed , I was terrified that my wife would never forgive me (and probably shouldn't ) that I gave in to her demands . I now have maxed out credit cards and have a credit union loan which I took out to try to hide it from my wife)
I never ever promised her anything . She knew from the start that I loved my wife and children and would never leave them . And I continued to tell her that there was no future for us .
Our affair was starting to run it's course (I'd told her I thought we should finish it) when she started insisting I didn't need to wear condoms as she was on the pill . I insisted and she'd put them on me . When I asked her how she could be pregnant as we'd both been taking precautions , she told me that she had to stop taking the pill coz it was making her ill .
Yes , we have both been immature and I am willing accept my penance , but it is totally unacceptable for her to treat my wife like this .

She is not doing anything to your wife YOU ARE.

She is not doing this for your wife ...you should be physically present as a father. THAT is the priority..sorry all of your children must come before your marriage those with your wife and with this woman.


Meet the child alone with a mediator ..or your wife is going to have to go with you ...or the woman drops your son off to you and your wife.

YEP it is going to be painful...but you made a mess of things and you are goig to have go through some hard times to get it right in the future your son will really resent your wife and you if you don't and you will regret it.

Lou.m

anna080 wrote: »

I think his comment that she put the condom on him is his way of saying that she tampered with the condom before putting it on him and therefore deliberately got herself pregnant. I'm not sure I believe this tbh it seems a bit far fetched.

It's total bs.

Lou.m

ABajaninCork wrote: »

What makes you think he isn't? He made a mistake -OK?? Nobody's perfect, least of all you and I. He hasn't behaved well - we agree on that. Nobody on here is justifying what happened, especially the OP. He's trying his best to rectify that mistake.

And how is not paying the maintenance until paternity is proved making things worse? The mother is already hassling and abusing the wife. She is already trying to blackmail the family. Frankly, I don't care about the abuse the OP's getting - it's his mess.

So tell me - How is the fact maintenance might be suspended making things worse?

Everything about him.

I am sorry but he is awful and much worse than your average person.
He needs to work on his character and grow up.

We are not perfect...but i have never sunk this low!
This is not a mistake this is carefully planned out months of lying and selfishness that more than likely will scar young children. And the women involved and the OP himself.

He sounds like someone who has used the pity line a lot in life. All he can do now is what is besr for the kids first the wife second and thats it.

I was the one who suggested that he keeps paying until or if is proven the child is not his for the same reason.

Lou.m

mike_ie wrote: »

Lou.m - you are more than welcome to your opinion, and to disagree with the OP's view on the situation. However, the OP has come here for mature and constructive advice, and tirades like the one above will not be tolerated.

Regards,
Mike

Sorry understood i shall not post here again. I have nothing more to add.

Tokyo

Lou.m wrote: »

Sorry understood i shall not post here again. I have nothing more to add.

That may be the case, but your previous two post have earned you a yellow card. Don't post in this thread again.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

You're still blaming her.

You were in the wrong.

100€ is not enough to support a child.

And to not see the child is horrible.

But - this is where you are now.

Have you and your wife started counselling yet?

I totally agree with this post. You seem to really believe that you were trapped and that it's not your fault - you're behaving like a childish eejit OP. And I don't mean that in a nasty or abusive way - but you are still, even now, trying to blame your mistress for your incredibly poor behaviour. The stuff about the condoms, really? You really believe that she spiked them? Is that what you're getting at?

Which of us is perfect, but you Fd up, and Fd up really really badly. I'm hoping you know that - but it seems that you do need people to tell you that it IS your fault and your responsibility. You can harp on about how badly your wife is being treated by your mistress (which screams that you still haven't accepted that it is YOUR fault), but that is nothing compared to how your extra-marital child is being treated. A child, who is too young to cope with this cr*p, and is wholly blameless in this sad sorry mess.

As I said, no one is perfect, people mess up. But you are actively making it worse by not taking responsibility. You are increasing the hurt for your wife, your mistress and most of all your child. Go and DO something about it OP! See a solicitor, get counselling, see your child. And stop blaming your mistress for your failings.

I'm sorry if you feel that is harsh, but I really think you need to cop on and grow up and be a responsible adult. You are continuing F'ing up your own life and the lives of others with your current 'blame someone else' and 'I want to make the problem go away/be hidden' attitude.

And I really don't feel that you've been paying too much, let alone enough, for maintence. So youay need to reign in your aggrieved feelings on that. But get legal advice on it.

beks101

Something just doesn't fit right with your posts for me. I feel like you're not giving the full picture here, or at least your view of this woman - who you were happy to sleep with continuously and risk your 'happy marriage' for - is so tainted by how she has now come to inconvenience your life, that your desperate need to sweep her and her son under the carpet like a dirty little secret is outweighing the facts at hand.

First of all, it's not her son. It's YOUR son, a fact which you don't seem to have come to terms with three years on. That was the first thing that jumped out at me. And that was why I asked if you were 100% sure that he 1. exists, and 2. is yours.

Are you certain of those things? Because if you are, your behaviour here of ignoring your own flesh and blood, denying him a relationship with his father and doing nothing to protect his welfare other than to throw a few quid at his mother every month in order to keep him out of your picture-perfect life, is appalling above-and-beyond what you allege this woman to be doing. And in fact, it would go some ways to explaining if not justifying her erratic and increasingly aggressive behaviour. It shows a blanket unwillingness to accept responsibility for what you have done and a blanket disrespect towards the both of them.

Did you think you could buy her silence for the rest of your life? Or if you ignored her in all ways but financially she and your son would eventually 'go away'? Why, in three years, have you not met your son? I can't see a concrete, justifiable answer to that, just excuses.

All I see here is an erratic and continuous attempt at damage control on your part, over three years. Denial, denial, denial of your role and responsibility in all of this. Denial of whatever reasons were there to drive you into the arms/bed of this woman in the first place - no, you're happily married to an amazing woman, couldn't be happier, happy happy happy....:rolleyes: Denial that you were equally party to the impregnation of this woman - no, she tricked you. Denial that you are a father - no, it's her son. Denial of the fact that she is a woman who you invited into your life and who will now be a fixture in your life for the rest of your days because she gave birth to your child - no, she's the "other woman".

I understand you're trying at all costs to protect your marriage, but by burying your head in the sand and trying to buy off this woman and this child, who whether you like it or not, you'll be tied to for the rest of your life, you're essentially continuing with this 'appalling' and 'despicable' behaviour that you purport to be sorry for. Are you really sorry? Do you really feel remorse for betraying your wife, messing with this woman, knocking her up and abandoning her and ignoring her and her new baby's very existence in the hope that they'd disappear like a bad smell?

Because all I read from your posts is an off-load of blame on this 'other woman' for the entire fiasco and anger that she would dare to inflict the sorry reality of the situation on you and your 'perfect' family life.

To be honest OP, play with fire, don't be surprised if you get burned.

CaraMay

Sheridans wrote: »

I was incredibly happy in my marriage . I selfishly thought I could have my cake and eat it.

Yes , we have both been immature and I am willing accept my penance , but it is totally unacceptable for her to treat my wife like this .

The two statements above stand out a mile and have really opened my eyes as to how self deluded you are. You weren't incredibly happy in your marriage - if you were you would not have been interested in eating the cake.

You created this cesspit and your wife is collateral damage to the main issue. I suspect this woman is so aggrieved that she doesn't care who is hurt but that was down entirely to your doing.

Stop blaming her and man up. I was on your side til i saw your comments above which show you are truly self delusional and self centered, traits which are consistent with an adulterer.

Man up and go get legal advice. Get counselling and make sure you dong do his again,

I just read beks post above and she is spot on and for the record I don't see why your wife is staying with you. She must be nuts. IMHO someone who blames this level away is very likely to do it all again.

lovelyjubbly

Stheno wrote: »

Doesn't appear court ordered, so the courts can do nothing about it

If he stops paying maintenance it will, more than likely, be before the courts.

househero

DNA test and a solicitor if she has been blackmailing you for money.

njs030

I find it amazing that you actually expect your mistress to be nice to your wife tbh! You showed your wife no respect to have a relationship with this woman yet because now you want it all to go away she should magically forget the hurt you caused?? Somehow allow the woman you cheated on with her to be part of the child's life?? Can you not see how hurt she is?

Even your statement that 'you told her it should end' but then you carried on having sex with her?? And somehow the whole situation is her fault???

You have absolutely no right to demand your wife goes with you to see the child, your marriage is a completely seperate issue here, maybe seeing that would make your ex mistress easier to deal with. Maybe stop rubbing the fact that you have managed to keep your marriage and family intact while she is left as a single mother for the rest of her life in her face??

You need to really really think about all the lives you've messed around with.

Neyite

Op, what is her objective? She is adamant that she wants your son and herself to be treated properly by you. What does she mean by that if you are giving her above and beyond in terms of maintenance and she refuses to let you meet your son and foster a relationship with him. What exactly does she want?

Here is what I would do.

Get relationship counselling for you and your wife. Its probably needed anyway in the aftermath of a discovery like this, but with ongoing stresses and hassle, you both need a safe space to discuss these. She would benefit from counselling of her own too.

If you and your wife accept that you dont care who knows about your son and the affair, the less power the other woman has over you, she has no secrecy anymore to hold over you. But your wife is still probably reeling over the revelations, so its baby steps at the moment. This might be your way out of the mess - cut out all the texts and threats and do everything through a neutral professional third party such as the courts or mediation, all legally and above board. And if the abuse continues, then the next step is the gardai.

From now, log and record every abusive message voicemail or text you and your wife recieve. Leave a paper trail for any cash you give her - lodge it via bank transfer. Send a written request for DNA test and request guardianship. Everything in writing, and consult a solicitor. Would mediation help?

Yeah_Right

I have to say some of the vitriol and anger on this thread is incredible. The OP screwed up and made a mess. He tried to deal it the best way he could think of (it wasn't the smartest way IMO). He has owned up to his wife, he has tried to support child financially and tried to see him. That hasn't worked.

As a lot of others have said here, its time for a DNA test and to get the lawyers involved. Something he should have done years ago but hey, better late than never.

I found it interesting that some people seem to think this child will be emotionally scarred and ruined for life. He/she is 3!!! Get paternity and support sorted and they will be fine. I know dozens of people that were raised by single parents, divorced parents, broken homes, parents that had affairs etc. And most of them are fine and well-adjusted.

Tiddlypeeps

The amount of sexism in this thread is terrifying.

How anyone could see this other woman as anything other than a manipulative piece of sh*t is beyond me. She lied to him about being on the pill in order to deliberately get pregnant, a bit naive on the OP's part for taking her word but since they were having an affair for a while I don't think trusting her was that unreasonable a decision to make. She then proceeded to blackmail him for 3 years afterwards for above average maintenance and trying to coerce him into having a physical relationship with her, not a relationship with the child, a sexual relationship with her! Then when all else fails she starts threatening and harassing his wife. Nothing in the world can justify those actions.