Should I leave him?

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 9:15am #1

Hi,

I’m looking for some advice on my situation as I am at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore, and I am considering ending my relationship, although I am unsure if it is the correct decision.

There are four involved in this, so I am going to name them as letters, because it will be confusing otherwise.

A – Me
B – My boyfriends
C – Boyfriends Relative
D – Boyfriends Relative Partner

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have been extremely depressed for a number of months now, I am so depressed that my therapist believes that I am mentally unfit for work and that I need intensive therapy to help my depression and anxiety.

My boyfriend and I are both mid-twenties and together almost four years. For the first year of our relationship I got on well with his family, and never had any issues etc. For the first two years of our relationship my boyfriend and I got on extremely well; rarely argued, any issues that came up, we talked about them and dealt with them. We were extremely happy and absolutely nothing got us down or interfered with us in anyway.

Fast forward to about two years ago, when D took a dislike to me, I don’t know why or what happened, but they went from liking me to disliking me, which is fine, I know not everyone is going to like me, just as I don’t like everyone, however, since this dislike started, I have had to put up with snide comment, offensive remarks, being mocked, and being intimidated.

I have never said anything (to or about) or done anything to D to warrant this treatment, my boyfriend agrees with this. Several times he has said how he also dislikes this person, and how he hopes that their relationship with another relative of his ends. Several times he has said he will stand up to her, he will call her on her behaviour, he will stand up for me etc. and it never happens. He ALWAYS backs out of it.

Most recently, well about a month ago, we were in my boyfriend’s house (that he shares with C) and some light house work needed to be done, and C&D were downstairs, while my boyfriend and I were in bed on our laptops, and C kept asking D to call my boyfriend to do the house work, as neither of them wanted to do it. After about half an hour of shouting up at my boyfriend I got wound up and ended up shouting back at C that my boyfriend was in bed. D then said to C “not to let it speak to them like that” and to “reef it out of the bed”. That night I almost had a panic attack because I was quite upset, and we also had to leave the house at 2.30am, and come to my own home, due to C&D shouting and making so much noise that we couldn’t actually sleep.

I was wrong to shout down, I admit, however, this was almost 1am, and we were trying to sleep and we couldn’t because C kept yelling at my boyfriend. This same night, they also called me four eyes, and started referring to me as “it” and “that yoke”, rather than my name. Since that night I have completely ignored both C&D, and I point blank refuse to speak to either of them. I have not spoken to D since late last year when they tried to start an argument with me, and I walked off. Later my boyfriend spoke to C and it turns out that D went back and told C that they “tried talking to me but I walked off and wouldn’t speak to them”, which is absolute lies. This person raised their voice at me, spoke in an aggressive manner, tried to provoke me into having an argument with them, and I wouldn’t engage with them. I dislike arguing with people and it’s not like me at all to ignore anyone, and not for such a prolonged period of time, but after putting up with such behaviour for almost two years, I have had enough. I’ve been nice, I’ve tried to make an effort. I even offered to forget everything and move on, I offered to speak with D about it and explain why I’ve been ignoring them, and it’s been ignored, which is fine, it’s their choice to speak with or not speak with me over it. I can’t and won’t hold it against them considering I myself have been ignoring them.

A few days later my boyfriend spoke to C about it and C denied ever calling me four eyes and said that D would never have meant to insult me and when those comments were made, D wasn’t thinking. Which to me is bullcrap. I am 100% convinced that C knows D did deliberately insult and offend me, but wanted to try and brush over it in the hope that my boyfriend and I would believe him and let it go.

This has had a dire effect on my own relationship, it’s putting me off being intimate with my own boyfriend, my boyfriend and I never have sex anymore. The last time was about two months ago, maybe more.

I am constantly in a low mood, and my boyfriend and I constantly snap at each other and we argue pretty much all the time.

I feel as if he doesn’t care about me at all, and the reason I feel like this is because he is quite happy to sit back and allow D to treat me like dirt and never say anything, when he’s said he would.

We both attended my own therapist about a month ago and my boyfriend agreed that he needed to speak to D about everything, and when it came to it, he backed out of it. Again.

Because of me feeling that my boyfriend doesn’t care about me or my feelings, its making me not want to be intimate with him, I barely even kiss him, cuddle him, hold hands with him. I absolutely love him to bits and I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t know if love is enough.

I am a shadow of who I used to be. I used to be happy, always laughing and joke, seeing the funny side of everything, laid back, let everything flow over me, but in the last year, that has changed and I am the opposite. I over think/over analyse everything, I’m unhappy, I’m lonely in my relationship, I feel horrible, I feel as if my boyfriend couldn’t give two damns about me and is only with me because neither of us have ended our relationship yet.

And I am unsure if I should end my relationship. I feel as though if my boyfriend could fully understand and see how this behaviour with D is affecting me, which is in turn affecting our relationship and if he actually stood up to them and put his foot down with them, then we could work on our relationship and work on getting back to where we were and how we used to be, and we could be happy again, but he doesn’t see or understand how this behaviour is affecting me or our relationship.

I’m not sure if he doesn’t understand, or if he does understand, but is trying to push it under the carpet and hope it goes away?

I am at the stage now where I feel an ultimatum is needed. Either my boyfriend stand up to D and put his foot down and we work on being happy again, or he doesn’t and it continues, and we split up.

I am extremely frustrated, upset, hurt and depressed, and my boyfriend doesn’t understand this.

Thanks for reading, and sorry for such a long post.

bee06 · 26-05-2014 9:30am

The way you are being treated by C and D sounds appalling and the fact that your boyfriend won't stand up for you is worse. It sounds like he is more interested in a quiet life for himself than supporting you against this bullying. The fact that this situation has completely affected your life I would think it's time to walk away from this toxic situation and work on getting yourself better by yourself.

stickybookmark · 26-05-2014 9:35am

I had a friend who was in a similar-ish situation a good few years ago. She suffered from insecurities and felt like her boyfriend wasn't 'standing up for her' enough. Her insecurities and her demands on him, which he was unable to meet just like your boyfriend eventually led to the death of their relationship and they slept in separate rooms for a period, then she moved out. They were a great couple and I always thought it was very sad that they didn't go the distance.

After a year or so my friend realised she had made a terrible mistake and had thrown a really good guy away coz of her own insecurities which she was foisting onto him, and she tried to get him back but it was too late. She then spent a few years really in a fairly messed up place and deeply regretted throwing him/their relationship away. He really was a great guy, she was just placing unrealistic demands on him when what she should have been doing was working on fixing herself through counselling etc. She eventually bounced back and is now happily married to a new guy with a kid etc but it knocked the stuffing out of her for a few years. I'm only sharing this story to see if you can see any elements of your own situation in it?

Only you know if your boyfriend is not worth keeping or is he a good guy being placed in an impossible situation? You said you are suffering from anxiety and depression so you have to bear in mind that you might not be in the right headspace to see things objectively. I don't mean to belittle your pain caused by the actions of D in any way, she sounds like an thoroughly unpleasant character but you have to decide whether just coz he's not willing to confront her, does this this mean he's not worth keeping in the long run? Is this a sackable offence in other words. You have to weigh this failing/weakness of his up against all his good points. No-one is perfect and there's no such thing as the perfect partner that never lets us down (unfortunately!) they all have their failings it's just a case of deciding are you seeing this situation 100% clearly due to where you're at mentally at the moment and therefore should you be making a judgement call on getting rid of your boyfriend because of it?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2014 9:51am

You should talk to your BF and tell him how much this is affecting you.

You have physical reactions (eg panic attack if you have to leave at 2:30am).
This is a matter of repsect.

He either respects and loves you and will stand up to these nasty people and demand an apology Or you leave.

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 10:06am

stickybookmark wrote: »

Only you know if your boyfriend is not worth keeping or is he a good guy being placed in an impossible situation?

He is absolutely 100% worth keeping, anyone will tell you, he is a rare gem. He honestly is, this is the ONLY issue I have with him at the moment. All my family/friends tell me how lucky I am to have found someone like him, how his type is so rare etc. and they are right, there really aren't many guys like him (well, where we're from anyway) and I am very lucky. Everyone who knows him hasn't a bad word to say about him. I've yet to meet someone who has something bad to say about him, and that's not me being biased, its the truth.

stickybookmark wrote: »

You said you are suffering from anxiety and depression so you have to bear in mind that you might not be in the right headspace to see things objectively. I don't mean to belittle your pain

You are absolutely 100% correct, and this is why I posted this thread, because I am unsure if I should end my relationship. My anxiety and depression absolutely plays a part. My anxiety was never an issue until just after Christmas and then it reared up, and I started to have panic attacks etc. And now I have to be very careful because the slightest thing can set off a panic attack.

I should add - I generally wouldn't be an insecure person, I am confident in myself, but I don't go around thinking I am the bees knees etc. or that I am above or better than others, I'm not, not by a long shot.

It's also affecting me in wondering how my boyfriend feels about me, he tells me he loves me and he's lucky to have me, but honestly, I wonder if he means it or if he says it because he feels he needs/has to.

I don't know anyone who would sit back and allow their partner to be treated the way I have been, and it makes me wonder why my boyfriend allows it to happen. Sometimes I think its because he is afraid to stand up to her because of what she is like and the trouble she could (and most likely would) cause.

stickybookmark wrote: »

just coz he's not willing to confront her, does this this mean he's not worth keeping in the long run? Is this a sackable offence in other words.

I honestly don't know, the problem is, because he hasn't stood up to her, and this is an ongoing issue, its extremely uncomfortable when we are in his house.

For months I would end up staying in his room when she was over and I would never dare set foot downstairs, because if I did, I would have some remarks/comments etc thrown at me and he would happily ignore it. If I stood up to her and said anything she would cause all out war and cause a major, major row between C and my boyfriend, and would then pin it on me.

Only recently have I started staying downstairs with my boyfriend (in another room) and to be honest, I am extremely unhappy that my boyfriend and I have to pussyfoot around D to avoid trouble/rows/comments etc.

stickybookmark wrote: »

You have to weigh this failing/weakness of his up against all his good points. No-one is perfect and there's no such thing as the perfect partner that never lets us down (unfortunately!) they all have their failings

I agree 100% and as I said, he is a gem and I absolutely love him to bits, but its the fact that he never has and won't stand up to her that's affecting me.

stickybookmark wrote: »

it's just a case of deciding are you seeing this situation 100% clearly due to where you're at mentally at the moment and therefore should you be making a judgement call on getting rid of your boyfriend because of it?

And this is another issue. I don't know if I am seeing it clearly and that's why I came here looking for advice.

tara73 · 26-05-2014 10:10am

OP, am I right, your boyfriend lives in this sharing arrangement with c and d but you have your own place?
if this is the case, why are you still staying in the place of your boyfriend and this other couple? why don't you just meet up with your boyfriend at your place and so avoid this two bullies completely?

this is one thing, the two bullies aside, I think the main issue from your description is the situation with your boyfriend. He's not supportive and doesn't stand up for you. That's not acceptable in a supposed to be loving and respectful relationship and I can completely sympathize with you resenting him for that and not wanting any physical contact anymore.

I'm not sure you can work this out with him, did you two sat down and talked it out ? That's what you need to do, is he able to listen to your concerns?
It's hard to tell over the internet, we all don't know him, only you do. I once had a boyfriend who was just super shy and couldn't get into any conflict but was a very good character by heart. But I never felt really supported by him. Your boyfriend could be the same, or he could be just some lazy piece of work.

Anyway, first step would be to stay away from these bullies, your bf should move out there as soon as possible, maybe things will get great again after?

allym · 26-05-2014 10:15am

OP I remember you posting about this months ago. I can't believe your boyfriend still hasn't done anything.

I know you've said D is a nightmare and you don't think you'd be able to have a civil conversation, but you all really need to either sort this out between you so you don't feel you have to tip toe around the place or your boyfriend needs to move out.

If things are never going to change, it will only damage his relationship with C and you to continue living there. Honestly, it would be in everyone's best interests for you all to have some space from each other.

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 10:45am

tara73 wrote: »

OP, am I right, your boyfriend lives in this sharing arrangement with c and d but you have your own place?
if this is the case, why are you still staying in the place of your boyfriend and this other couple? why don't you just meet up with your boyfriend at your place and so avoid this two bullies completely?

No, I don't have my own place. I live with my family and my boyfriend and I spent 90% of our time here. We cook and eat here, any food we buy, we leave in my house (because we cook it here).

tara73 wrote: »

I think the main issue from your description is the situation with your boyfriend. He's not supportive and doesn't stand up for you. That's not acceptable in a supposed to be loving and respectful relationship and I can completely sympathize with you resenting him for that and not wanting any physical contact anymore.

This is exactly is, I am starting to resent him because I feel he doesn't support me.

tara73 wrote: »

I'm not sure you can work this out with him, did you two sat down and talked it out ? That's what you need to do, is he able to listen to your concerns?
It's hard to tell over the internet, we all don't know him, only you do. I once had a boyfriend who was just super shy and couldn't get into any conflict but was a very good character by heart. But I never felt really supported by him. Your boyfriend could be the same, or he could be just some lazy piece of work.

I have spoken about it several times with him, he also attended therapy with me once over it and he recently told me that "this is getting on his nerves" - he is fed up of it, but so am I, he doesn't seem to understand that.

He's definitely not a lazy piece of work, I think he is just cowardly when it comes to standing up to people. He lets people walk all over him constantly, and this is one example where he's done that, but its affecting me and our relationship too, and he doesn't seem to want to resolve it. He reckons I should just accept it and move on. I find it pretty hard to do that when I have to tip toe around them and watch what I say/do for fear of setting them off. It's at the stage now where I couldn't give a damn whether I offend/upset/set them off etc. I refuse to hold my tongue a minute longer and if it means a row, then so be it.

Personally I also think that my boyfriend is so used to C&D and because he's so used to them that he doesn't want to rock the boat and is happy to leave things as they are.

tara73 wrote: »

Anyway, first step would be to stay away from these bullies, your bf should move out there as soon as possible, maybe things will get great again after?

I have several times suggested moving out, and he won't do it. I recently suggested that if I got a job we could move in together and he said he is up for that, but he is tied to a lease until April next year, and I got the impression that he wouldn't consider ending the lease early if it meant moving in with me.

allym wrote: »

OP I remember you posting about this months ago. I can't believe your boyfriend still hasn't done anything.

He's spoken to C once, and that was it.

I did ask him to speak to D about it and maybe then I could speak with her and we could resolve it, he said he spoke to her and she said she was up for it, but we didn't see her for a few days after that, and since then it just hasn't happened.

After he spoke to her, he would delay in my house before going to his so we'd go to his late at night (around midnight, when C&D would be in bed) or we'd end up staying in my house completely.

I'm not sure if I believe he spoke to her, because of how he wanted to avoid seeing her etc.

allym wrote: »

I know you've said D is a nightmare and you don't think you'd be able to have a civil conversation, but you all really need to either sort this out between you so you don't feel you have to tip toe around the place or your boyfriend needs to move out.

I have offered to speak with her, I've even offered to forget everything and move on and start afresh and none of it has been accepted and we've (boyfriend and I) have been told "no". What else am I to do?

allym wrote: »

If things are never going to change, it will only damage his relationship with C and you to continue living there. Honestly, it would be in everyone's best interests for you all to have some space from each other.

As I said, my boyfriend and I spent 90% of our time in my house, we only spend nights in his house, and we don't spend every night there, maybe 3/4 a week? Sometimes less.

stickybookmark · 26-05-2014 10:55am

What Should I Do? wrote: »

He is absolutely 100% worth keeping, anyone will tell you, he is a rare gem. He honestly is, this is the ONLY issue I have with him at the moment. All my family/friends tell me how lucky I am to have found someone like him, how his type is so rare etc. and they are right, there really aren't many guys like him (well, where we're from anyway) and I am very lucky. Everyone who knows him hasn't a bad word to say about him. I've yet to meet someone who has something bad to say about him, and that's not me being biased, its the truth.

Well then OP, I wouldn't dump him over this honestly. It sounds like he's a keeper and there could be long-term potential here. One day you could be married to this guy and having kids with him and pg you'll have worked through your depression and anxiety as well and come out the other side.

These house-sharing situations are only a feature of early adulthood, that phase doesn't last long. Don't throw away potential future happiness over an awkward houseshare and a cowardly response from your boyfriend now. Like I said OP, no-one is perfect. On the scale of 1-10 boyfriend crimes, if he ticks all the other boxes this one doesn't sound like a sackable offence to me.

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 11:29am

stickybookmark wrote: »

Well then OP, I wouldn't dump him over this honestly. It sounds like he's a keeper and there could be long-term potential here. One day you could be married to this guy and having kids with him and pg you'll have worked through your depression and anxiety as well and come out the other side.

These house-sharing situations are only a feature of early adulthood, that phase doesn't last long. Don't throw away potential future happiness over an awkward houseshare and a cowardly response from your boyfriend now. Like I said OP, no-one is perfect. On the scale of 1-10 boyfriend crimes, if he ticks all the other boxes this one doesn't sound like a sackable offence to me.

This is true, however, while the house-share may not last forever, this issue with D will last.

I've asked my boyfriend how he would feel if a family member of mine were to treat him as I have been treated and he can't answer me.

He's said several times that I've done nothing to deserve such behaviour, and its not fair on me etc and I shouldn't have to put up with it, but he does nothing about it. When it comes to the crunch, he backs down like he always does.

I'm not saying he should barge in all guns blazing, but its the fact he won't do anything at all and just expects me to put up with it, despite saying I shouldn't have to.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off not in this relationship, and instead single where I wouldn't have to put up with such behaviour, and then I think about not being with him and my heart breaks.

I'm not sure how much more of this behaviour I can take or how much longer I can continue on as I am. As it is, neither my boyfriend or I am happy, we always argue, no intimacy, not at all what we used to be and should be like.

Virgil° · 26-05-2014 11:56am

I know you're not in a great place at the moment. You've tried ignoring it, you've tried being nice but you haven't actually tried telling D to "f*cking shove her attitude where the sun don't shine"?(In not so many words perhaps).

Shes your boyfriends housemates partner. This isn't his sister or his mother we're talking about here. I don't see why you should be trying to placate her for the sake of peace. I realise it could be awkward in the house afterwards. Maybe she would start all out war but your boyfriend would know better surely, he might be forced to react if she was going postal instead of quietly sneering.

I think you've allowed this situation to develop into a whole lot more than it is. You've allowed one unpleasant person to cause you months of stress and potentially sink your relationship with an otherwise lovely guy. Is she really worth that?
You don't have to bring the house down. Next time she says something sneering reply with "Excuse me? Could you repeat that?". Stare her dead on and wait for her to say it again. In my experience people like this generally won't. And if she knows she won't be let act the b*tch around you she may stop.

In summary. I think you shouldn't bite your tongue anymore. Tell your bf that you intend to put an end to this nonsense and if he doesn't have your back in the aftermath then you don't see a future with him. This woman is not worth your years and general happiness. Time to act.

Best of luck.

retro:electro · 26-05-2014 12:38pm

You titled your thread "should I leave him", but apart from not standing up for you your boyfriend sounds amazing. Have you ever thought about what an awkward situation this may be for him having his girlfriend and relatives fighting and him stuck in the middle? Not to be harsh but instead of relying on him sticking up for you why don't you stick up for yourself? Seriously you need to be more assertive with the situation and tell them exactly how you feel, instead of relying on your boyfriend to do this for you. You will then know by your boyfriends reaction and whether he is supportive of you or not if you should leave him or stay with him.

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 12:45pm

anna080 wrote: »

You titled your thread "should I leave him", but apart from not standing up for you your boyfriend sounds amazing. Have you ever thought about what an awkward situation this may be for him having his girlfriend and relatives fighting and him stuck in the middle?

Yes I have, however, I was not the one who started all this. If it was the other way around and it was him being treated badly by my family, personally, I would stand up and call them on their behaviour and absolutely no way would my boyfriend be made to feel uncomfortable in my home and nor would he have to stay upstairs in my room just to avoid comments, snide remarks etc. There is no way I would allow it to happen.

anna080 wrote: »

Not to be harsh but instead of relying on him sticking up for you why don't you stick up for yourself? Seriously you need to be more assertive with the situation and tell them exactly how you feel, instead of relying on your boyfriend to do this for you. You will then know by your boyfriends reaction and whether he is supportive of you or not if you should leave him or stay with him.

I have told my boyfriend that if either C or D open their mouths to me I WILL tell them where to go and I don't care if D causes murder over it - and he's asked me not, he's asked me to just "let it go" - tell me why is it I should sit back and take such behaviour because my boyfriend wants to avoid a row/trouble?

LegacyUser · 26-05-2014 12:52pm

anna080 wrote: »

You titled your thread "should I leave him", but apart from not standing up for you your boyfriend sounds amazing. Have you ever thought about what an awkward situation this may be for him having his girlfriend and relatives fighting and him stuck in the middle? Not to be harsh but instead of relying on him sticking up for you why don't you stick up for yourself? Seriously you need to be more assertive with the situation and tell them exactly how you feel, instead of relying on your boyfriend to do this for you. You will then know by your boyfriends reaction and whether he is supportive of you or not if you should leave him or stay with him.

OP I have to say I totally agree with Anna08

I understand you are in a panic over this but if it was me, I wouldnt be expecting my bf to stick up for me or indeed speak to D. I'd do it myself. I would not have that carry on. I think it's gone on so long that's it's been built up to be a massive mountain to climb but really, it's a bump in the road. DO NOT break up with your bf because of this seriously.

I have had similar issues with my bf's mate. He hates me for whatever reason and in the past he has slagged me on facebook for all to see saying really hurtful things and I knew my bf wouldnt want to be getting stuck in the middle and I didnt want to drag him into it anyway. Even though it's his friend, I called his friend out on it when I saw him. He nearly died because I'm sure he thought I wouldnt say anything - but I did. And he's never done anything to me since. My bf was in a very awkward position. Stuck between his friend of years and then me. Some might say he should have stuck up for me, but I wouldnt expect him to.

Yes it would be nice for your bf to stand up for you. But seeing as D sounds like an absolute whinge, I dont blame him wanting to stay out of it. It's never going to go away as long as you's are all sharing the same house a few days a week. I doubt the problem will even go away if you confront her. She sounds like a drama queen. Those people FEED off crap like that and there really is nothing you can do. All I would say is try and stay away from her. Dont freak out and get yourself into panic over it. She does not deserve your time honestly.

retro:electro · 26-05-2014 1:00pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

Yes I have, however, I was not the one who started all this. If it was the other way around and it was him being treated badly by my family, personally, I would stand up and call them on their behaviour and absolutely no way would my boyfriend be made to feel uncomfortable in my home and nor would he have to stay upstairs in my room just to avoid comments, snide remarks etc. There is no way I would allow it to happen.

I have told my boyfriend that if either C or D open their mouths to me I WILL tell them where to go and I don't care if D causes murder over it - and he's asked me not, he's asked me to just "let it go" - tell me why is it I should sit back and take such behaviour because my boyfriend wants to avoid a row/trouble?

So your reason for not saying anything is because you didn't start it? Well neither did your boyfriend. You should start sticking up for yourself first and then your boyfriend may be more supportive. You say if the open their mouths to you you will say something to them, so have they not opened their mouths to you yet then? If not then why are you sitting upstarts avoiding comments and remarks that haven't been made?

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 1:39pm

3r2rwefdsf wrote: »

You should talk to your BF and tell him how much this is affecting you.

You have physical reactions (eg panic attack if you have to leave at 2:30am).
This is a matter of repsect.

He either respects and loves you and will stand up to these nasty people and demand an apology Or you leave.

Me having a panic attack isn't the only reason we left, we left partly because C kept calling my boyfriend to do the house work and wouldn't let him sleep. My boyfriend, like a lot of people had to be up at 7am the next day for work.

anna080 wrote: »

So your reason for not saying anything is because you didn't start it? Well neither did your boyfriend.

No, that's not the reason.

This is take from this post #5.

If I stood up to her and said anything she would cause all out war and cause a major, major row between C and my boyfriend, and would then pin it on me

This is why I have not said anything and have asked my boyfriend too, because if she does start all out war, she won't pin it on him but if I say anything, she will pin it on me.

If I even said "hi" to her she is liable to turn around and say I called her name or I said something else etc.

anna080 wrote: »

You should start sticking up for yourself first and then your boyfriend may be more supportive.

anna080 wrote: »

You say if the open their mouths to you you will say something to them, so have they not opened their mouths to you yet then? If not then why are you sitting upstarts avoiding comments and remarks that haven't been made?

Yes they have said plenty to me. I stated that in my first post. I have been called four eyes, a fat bastrd, she told her own boyfriend "he should make me apologise to her" - What should I apologise for what exactly? Ignoring her? Not giving into tantrums and demands? She said I should die etc.

Another reason I have not yet said anything is because I am afraid that if I do and I end up getting worked up over it that I will end up having a panic attack over it. Their behaviour is a major part of my anxiety and depression and also a main reason why I started having panic attacks.

wispa9 · 26-05-2014 2:12pm

OP, I feel for you. Confrontation is never pleasant and I'd find it very daunting

But this is affecting your health, so you simply have to put a stop to their behaviour. I think you've two options: 1) remove yourself from the situation altogether by either breaking up with your bf (although neither you nor many others think is a good idea) or your bf moves out, which sounds unlikely.
OR 2) You stand up for yourself. While I understand you feel you bf should be defending you, I wouldn't be too hard on him, because he's in an awkward situation here. Set a precedent for yourself and take control. You say this is the main reason for your panic attacks. Well, wouldn't it feel great if you were able to resolve this yourself and make yourself feel better and healthier, rather than relying on someone else to do it?

If you think she's going to pin it on you (she sounds like a nasty piece of work btw), then make your stand in front your your bf and his relative. Surely if you're only standing up for yourself in response to something hurtful she says, they won't be so stupid as to fall for her blatant lie that you started it?

It's also important to do this in a calm, mature way. Don't go to her level and fly off the handle - that'd make you look as bad as her. And yes, maybe she will throw a tantrum, but she won't stop being horrible if she thinks she'll always very easily get away with it! Keep standing up for yourself, and with any luck she'll eventually realise that you're not going to put up with her crap any longer!

LegacyUser · 26-05-2014 2:14pm

OP I completely understand you are suffering with anxiety and depression as a result of this fiasco. But you are letting yourself get worked up about it. That idiot and her bf should not even take up space in your brain. Believe me, I hate confrontation, I have a friend who kicks up bloody murder if she doesnt get her own way (she's 32) and you either fight and fight and fight with her, you behave calmly, or you let her have her own way and say nothing - it doesnt matter WHAT you do, she will still kick up murder. This is what your one sounds like to me.

If you arent happy to stand up to them - that is fine! Honestly dont bring that sh*t into you life if you dont want to! But honestly expecting your bf to fight your corner is not on either. It could all blow up in his face and imagine how awkward that would be for the whole house then? It's all a little childish in my opinion, and that's no sly dig at you, you're obviously in distress over it all, but realistically OP, whats the solution here? Do you and your bf move out into your own accom and let them 2 go F themselves? Is that the best solution to this? Because in my opinion, you, or your bf standing up to D is not going to work. I think things have gone to far now. Unless she is willing to sit down with you and talk about it like an ADULT, I genuinely cannot see any solution to this problem other than your bf moving out away from them.

allybhoy · 26-05-2014 2:45pm

Ok, this all sounds very childish and silly on their part and is obviously causing you a lot of distress and anxiety. I think the answer is simple, you need to remove yourself from their company, Simple as. no confrontations, no standing up for yourself, just dont see them anymore. Its been mentioned before but this isnt your mother or his mother or a relationship that needs to be saved. It doesnt, as you said, not everyone has to like you nor you them, simply remove yourself from their company and get on with your life and forget about them.

You need to tell him that you cant call over to see him as you dont want to be in their company anymore. So he either needs to move out himself, or else just calls to your parents to see you, He needs to accept the fact that it is causing you distress to be around them. this may be harsh, but he also sounds like he needs to grow a pair of you know whats. I honestly dont know any man who would let his partner be called the following without serious repercussions, never mind continue to live with them and try and "keep the peace"

I have been called four eyes, a fat bastrd.. She said I should die etc.

Just out of curiosity? Why do you insist on staying there 3\4 nights a week in such a toxic environment when all of the above happens to you? Is it because your BF isnt allowed stay the night in your parents house or what? Im at a loss as to why you continue to let yourself be affected so bad by all of this that you are missing work from it. It sounds awful and needs to be resolved immediately.

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 2:54pm

allybhoy wrote: »

Just out of curiosity? Why do you insist on staying there 3\4 nights a week in such a toxic environment when all of the above happens to you? Is it because your BF isnt allowed stay the night in your parents house or what? Im at a loss as to why you continue to let yourself be affected so bad by all of this that you are missing work from it. It sounds awful and needs to be resolved immediately.

I stay those nights in his house as it is the only time we are together away from my house, and when we are in his room its the only "alone" time we have together, but as I said, there is no intimacy etc.

There is no problem with my bf staying in my house, however after D called me four eyes etc. my mother was absolutely fuming and for a few days my boyfriend couldn't come to my house, let alone stay because my mother would have torn shred off him for not saying anything.

I should also include here: when I was younger I was bullied severely (this is main cause of my depression, which I've had for about 14 years) and I tried to take my own life once over the bullying and I came close to taking my life a second time again due to the bullying. My boyfriend knows this.

My mother is extremely over-protective of me when it comes to bullying (I am an only child) and its because the bullying when I was younger and also because of my attempted suicide that she is over protective and its the only thing she is over protective of with me.

Penny Tration · 26-05-2014 2:56pm

Your mother barred him from the house because he didn't tell D to get lost when she insulted you? Surely it's your job to tell her to f off, because you're the one she's insulting?

I understand you have mental health issues, but you're knowingly putting yourself in the situation by going over there all of the time. If you want the situation to end, don't go over. Or stand up for yourself.

It's not your boyfriend's job to tell someone off for calling you names.

bee06 · 26-05-2014 2:58pm

I don't understand why people think that OP's boyfriend has no responsibility for standing up for her against this bullying? Of course, OP should stand up for herself but when it comes to bullying it's everyone responsibility to stand up to bullies regardless if the person being bullied is your girlfriend, school friend, work colleague or whatever else!

username123 · 26-05-2014 3:01pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

I feel as though if my boyfriend could fully understand and see how this behaviour with D is affecting me, which is in turn affecting our relationship and if he actually stood up to them and put his foot down with them, then we could work on our relationship and work on getting back to where we were and how we used to be, and we could be happy again, but he doesn’t see or understand how this behaviour is affecting me or our relationship.

The above is the bit that stood out to me from the whole post. No offence, but its a bit "if my Aunty had balls she'd be my Uncle".

If this and if that and the fact is - its not happening.

I wonder why you dont lift the two bullies out of it yourself (verbally)? I wonder why you stay over there at all? I wonder why you even go into a building that these people are in. Oh for him, for him, its all for him.

Well what about you? I dont think this guy sounds like an angel on earth which is what you want to believe. I think he sounds like a guy who is letting both his own life and your life be disrupted and upset by two bullies.

And then you go on to say this:

Their behaviour is a major part of my anxiety and depression and also a main reason why I started having panic attacks.

.

Im going to be blunt about the above and Im not saying it to be mean - you need to grow up and take some responsibility for your own life. If toxic people are actually causing you mental and physical health problems then you need to put those people out of your life and stop mooning around wishing your bf would do something.

Lets be clear here - YOU choose to walk into that environment, YOU choose to let these people speak to you the way they do, YOU are not doing anything to stop it.

YOU are the pilot of your own life, its YOU at the controls. This aint no dress rehearsal OP, this is the main event, you are onstage right now living the only life you have, so make it the best one you can cos no one else is going to make it wonderful for you.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2014 3:02pm

bee06 wrote: »

I don't understand why people think that OP's boyfriend has no responsibility for standing up for her against this bullying? Of course, OP should stand up for herself but when it comes to bullying it's everyone responsibility to stand up to bullies regardless if the person being bullied is your girlfriend, school friend, work colleague or whatever else!

Well she's talking about ending it with him, that's what the thread is about. In my opinion that would be foolish to break up with him over it. I certainly wouldnt break up with my bf if his relation's gf was saying stuff about me. I would stick up for myself! But that's just me!

Be interesting to know what age you are OP. All of this really sounds so immature - not blaming you of course, it's just that you all sound like early 20's to me? Would I be right?

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 3:04pm

green_screen wrote: »

Your mother barred him from the house because he didn't tell D to get lost when she insulted you? Surely it's your job to tell her to f off, because you're the one she's insulting?

My mother didn't bar him, but she was so disgusted that if he did come over she would have torn strips off him, so I asked him not to come around because I knew what would happen.

green_screen wrote: »

I understand you have mental health issues, but you're knowingly putting yourself in the situation by going over there all of the time. If you want the situation to end, don't go over. Or stand up for yourself.

It's not your boyfriend's job to tell someone off for calling you names.

I have told my boyfriend that I will call them on their behaviour when they start on me next and he's asked me not to, he's asked me to "just let it go" - so he won't say anything and he expects me not to say anything either, so he is just expecting to sit back and take it.

He's said I don't deserve the behaviour shown to me, yet he won't say anything and expects me not to say anything. Is that fair?

If I made a comment about C or D, my bf would have no problem telling me to reign it in and cut the bullsh!t and at times when I have given out about them he's told me to quit it and to let it go.

Penny Tration · 26-05-2014 3:07pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

My mother didn't bar him, but she was so disgusted that if he did come over she would have torn strips off him, so I asked him not to come around because I knew what would happen.

I have told my boyfriend that I will call them on their behaviour when they start on me next and he's asked me not to, he's asked me to "just let it go" - so he won't say anything and he expects me not to say anything either, so he is just expecting to sit back and take it.

He's said I don't deserve the behaviour shown to me, yet he won't say anything and expects me not to say anything. Is that fair?

If I made a comment about C or D, my bf would have no problem telling me to reign it in and cut the bullsh!t and at times when I have given out about them he's told me to quit it and to let it go.

It's ridiculous for your mother to want to tear strips off of him because you choose to go to a place you know you'll be called names in.

If your boyfriend asks you to leave it, just leave the house. Your boyfriend wants harmony and to just let things drop. That's obviously not going to work, so just stop going there.

If they're affecting your health so much, take some responsibility. You're choosing to put yourself in the situation, so stop going there and it can't happen.

allybhoy · 26-05-2014 3:16pm

Well for the sake of your health alone, you need to stop calling over there. They dont sound like people that can be reasoned with, they also sound like bullys who are used to confrontation and i suspect you arent, therefore, if you confront them, i fear that you will only end up feeling worse and in tears and its just not worth it, life is too short. Dont see them anymore get on with your life, and your job and try not to give them any further thought.

You havent said why your BF cant move out? Is he friends with his relative? Is he also afraid of them? It sounds to me like he doesnt take this as serious as you, if he was serious about this he would have stood up for you and nipped it at the bud. For the sake of your relationship he needs to move out. I dont really believe in ultimatums but in this case it sounds to me liek you may need to resort to one, them or me..simple

retro:electro · 26-05-2014 3:21pm

Also op what makes you think they'll take any heed of what your boyfriend says if he does stand up to them? They obviously don't give two hoots about what you or he thinks. The only way you can avoid your stress/depression/anxiety is to stop going over there, end of.

stickybookmark · 26-05-2014 3:29pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

If I made a comment about C or D, my bf would have no problem telling me to reign it in and cut the bullsh!t and at times when I have given out about them he's told me to quit it and to let it go.

This is obviously a deeply divisive and very painful issue between you and your boyfriend. Even if things do improve and ye stay together, I can see the resentment you feel towards him over this one rearing its ugly head for a long time to come. And that is something that ye will have to work through and it won't be easy

But first things first, I completely agree with username123 above you need to remove yourself from this situation as it's causing you very serious problems in your life.

Just to clarify are ye allowed to overnight at your folk's house together or not? If you feel a bit awkward about this you might have a word with your folks and explain to them that the situation in the other house is toxic (well they already know this anyway from what you've said) and that you don't want to stay over there anymore and can your bf stay over at your place instead?

Means Of Escape · 26-05-2014 3:31pm

Get out while you can

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 3:46pm

Thanks for your advice everyone.

stickybookmark wrote: »

Just to clarify are ye allowed to overnight at your folk's house together or not? If you feel a bit awkward about this you might have a word with your folks and explain to them that the situation in the other house is toxic (well they already know this anyway from what you've said) and that you don't want to stay over there anymore and can your bf stay over at your place instead?

Yes we can stay at mine, that's not a problem and we (well I will anyway) most likely be staying here and not going to his house.

My friends and family know the full story about everything that has happened.

Colser · 26-05-2014 4:10pm

Hi Op...I can see that you are in a very frustrating position .But as bad as C & D are if I was you I would be more annoyed with your BF presuming that the situation is exactly as you say it is..

You said in your !st post that your BF is a gem and no one has a bad word to say about him and the reason for that obvious..hes one of those people who will amble through life and wont rock the boat or challenge anyone..a salt of the earth type that would help anyone out but are those type of people good companions?

Of couse you should challenge the 2 yourself but I dont think its wrong of you to expect your boyfriend to back you up and support you as well.They know that he will never react so its basically 2 against one with him in the middle looking like the easy going poor fella stuck in the middle.

What I would personally do is never again set foot inside their door again,let them amuse themselves by picking on someone else. Your BF can then decide if he is commited enough to meet up at your house in future or not..entirely up to him.

If this proves too much for him then so be it but remember OP this is how your boyfriend reacts when you are being bullied upset and insulted..will he always be like this and are you willing to stay with someone that stands back when you need support in the future?

Starokan · 26-05-2014 4:32pm

Hi Op.

In order for you to stay with your boyfriend spending so much time within that house share has to end. It can't work the way it is, the relationship between you C & D has deteriorated so much that in my opinion its irreparable.

I would say the only way forward is for you to either get a place of your own where you both can be together or for your boyfriend to move to a place of his own (house share or otherwise) where you both are more comfortable with the other tenants.

With regard to your boyfriend sticking up for you to be honest I can see why you would want him to do that, the fact that he is not could be any number of things but mainly I would guess he hates conflict and just wants an easy life. Of course you should stick up for yourself as well , as it stands currently I can understand why you would not want to go there but given that you are completely ignoring C & D in their home then I can also understand why they would not want you there, as I said in my opening paragraph the relationship is beyond repair.

In short by moving away from spending so much time with them you may save your relationship. So basically I would advise doing that asap.

One other thing I would say is perhaps hold back on what you are telling your mother, her opinion of your boyfriend will forever be coloured by anything negative you say about him, I understand how upset the four eyes comment made you (it was crass and pathetic of someone to say this) but when you tell your mother that he did not stand up for you long term this will always remain with her .

What Should I Do? · 26-05-2014 6:15pm

Colser wrote: »

Of couse you should challenge the 2 yourself but I dont think its wrong of you to expect your boyfriend to back you up and support you as well.They know that he will never react so its basically 2 against one with him in the middle looking like the easy going poor fella stuck in the middle.

This is also playing on my mind - even though I have said that I will call them on their behaviour, he has asked me not to, and has asked me to let it go, which is telling me that he doesn't support me in my decision to challenge them on their behaviour.

Colser wrote: »

If this proves too much for him then so be it but remember OP this is how your boyfriend reacts when you are being bullied upset and insulted..will he always be like this and are you willing to stay with someone that stands back when you need support in the future?

This again is playing on my mind and I wonder if its a sign of what things could be like in the future, if like you say there are other issues (and I'm sure there will be) that will require him to support me, I can't be sure if he will support me.

Starokan wrote: »

In order for you to stay with your boyfriend spending so much time within that house share has to end. It can't work the way it is, the relationship between you C & D has deteriorated so much that in my opinion its irreparable.

I also feel that it is irreparable, however, I would like for us all to be civil etc and be able to be in the same building without having snide remarks etc thrown about and currently that's not happening.

Starokan wrote: »

I would say the only way forward is for you to either get a place of your own where you both can be together or for your boyfriend to move to a place of his own (house share or otherwise) where you both are more comfortable with the other tenants.

Until I get a job I unfortunately won't be moving anywhere and my boyfriend isn't keen on moving out of his house into another house either.

Starokan wrote: »

In short by moving away from spending so much time with them you may save your relationship. So basically I would advise doing that asap.

I have decided that I won't be going to my boyfriends house, which is fine, however its not going to help our relationship simply because I still feel like my boyfriend doesn't care about me because he has allowed this to continue (as have I) and because of those feelings I don't want to be intimate with him. That may seem stupid, ridiculous etc but I can't help that. I have tried not to let these feelings develop but I just couldn't stop them. So my boyfriend and I are basically like friends - we do everything a couple should do but without any intimacy. Is that normal for a couple in their mid-twenties who once had a very active sex life with sex several times a week?

Starokan wrote: »

One other thing I would say is perhaps hold back on what you are telling your mother, her opinion of your boyfriend will forever be coloured by anything negative you say about him, I understand how upset the four eyes comment made you (it was crass and pathetic of someone to say this) but when you tell your mother that he did not stand up for you long term this will always remain with her .

I completely understand this but its hard when I am upset and need to talk to someone, I have no siblings, a distant father I haven't seen for nearly two years, so my mother and best friends are the only ones I have to talk to, along with my therapist.

dellas1979 · 26-05-2014 6:54pm

You know what now, OP.

You need to stand up for yourself, pronto. And be proactive and do something about it.

When the time is right, sit down with them, and calmly talk to them, rather than asking your boyfriend to do it. Ask your boyfriend to be there too. At the moment, all they see is your running away. Rather than facing them and saying "hey what was that for?" "how or why did it get so bad?"

It will 1000% boost your confidence, rather than this tit for tat.

You seem petrified of them. And you dont need to be.

The alternative is to never see or speak to them again. And leave it at that. And acknowledge that there is nothing you could have done. And stop worrying about it alll the time.

Starokan · 26-05-2014 11:15pm

Your feelings are not in any way stupid op, i think however the intimacy will not come back until you once again begin to believe and invest in the relationship. I cannot see a way whereby this will happen until as much distance as possible is achieved between you C & D.

I think you are right to stay away from that house and hopefully as you both spend time elsewhere the feelings for want of a better term begin to return , this in turn may allow your boyfriend to gain the necessary perspective to see the damage living there is causing.

I do get why most people here are telling you to stick up for yourself , talk it out etc, its important to remember that's only possible when your dealing with normal people willing to engage, i suspect C & D do not fall into that category.

orchidsrpretty · 27-05-2014 1:51am

I read/heard recently that you become like the five people you spend the most time with(from a yet video of doctor Rowe, link below), with all the negativity going on in c,b&d's house it's bound to have an impact on you or your partner who in turn will pass it onto you. basically they have the potential to corrupt his thinking against you too. My advice get him out of there and see if anything improves within 3-6months, if not best part ways. mid twenties should be enjoyed to the fullest, finished college by this stage usually, get some travelling done now too before to many commitments if you want children by 30 and you don't think b is the right choice you'll probably want to get a move on things fairly prompt. If you don't agree with those life choices, travelling/children etc fair enough but you don't deserve to be abused by anyone. http://www.doctormarkrowe.com

stickybookmark · 27-05-2014 6:27am

Starokan wrote: »

Your feelings are not in any way stupid op, i think however the intimacy will not come back until you once again begin to believe and invest in the relationship. I cannot see a way whereby this will happen until as much distance as possible is achieved between you C & D.

I think you are right to stay away from that house and hopefully as you both spend time elsewhere the feelings for want of a better term begin to return , this in turn may allow your boyfriend to gain the necessary perspective to see the damage living there is causing.

Took the words out of my mouth. Stop going over to their house or to any events that they attend (as much as possible/practical) and give the situation time to heal.
Out of sight, out of mind. You won't believe the relief that will come over you from never seeing them anymore. Once you start to feel better about yourself i'm sure the relationship with your boyfriend will improve.
All relationships take hard work and there's no perfect guy out there believe me!

What Should I Do? · 27-05-2014 2:10pm

dellas1979 wrote: »

You seem petrified of them. And you dont need to be.

The alternative is to never see or speak to them again. And leave it at that. And acknowledge that there is nothing you could have done. And stop worrying about it alll the time.

I'm not afraid of them, I am intimidated by them.

It's not just in my boyfriends house I have to put up with their behaviour, its in public too. Snide comments D passes me in a shop, on the street, filthy looks as she drives by, trying to embarrass me in shops by shouting "HELLO XXXXXXX" at me and glaring at me, her family glaring at me also. The last time she shouted hello at me in public I turned around said "hiya" in a blank voice, but it hasn't stopped her behaviour.

I would love never to see or hear from either of them again, but that won't happen. As it is, I do avoid family gatherings on my boyfriends side, because I know if I go, that I'll have comments thrown at me, and at this stage, I can't be sure I'll hold my tongue.

Starokan wrote: »

I do get why most people here are telling you to stick up for yourself , talk it out etc, its important to remember that's only possible when your dealing with normal people willing to engage, i suspect C & D do not fall into that category.

This is exactly it - they cannot talk calmly or sort anything out without a massive row and major drama. They just can't, to them (well D anyway), that is abnormal.

stickybookmark wrote: »

Took the words out of my mouth. Stop going over to their house or to any events that they attend (as much as possible/practical) and give the situation time to heal.
Out of sight, out of mind. You won't believe the relief that will come over you from never seeing them anymore. Once you start to feel better about yourself i'm sure the relationship with your boyfriend will improve.
All relationships take hard work and there's no perfect guy out there believe me!

Thanks for your reply. I have told my boyfriend that I will absolutely not be going to his house for the foreseeable when C&D are there. I have no issue with going over when C is there, but not when D is there. It's just too much for me.

However, I did suggest that he speak to C and come to an agreement that C&D stay in the house a few nights (maybe fri-sun or whatever they want) and my boyfriend and I stay there some nights too, that way myself and my boyfriend can have some time to ourselves in his house and C&D can do so also, but the four of us wouldn't be there together, and my boyfriend said no, so its a case of staying in my house and my boyfriend staying in his, as he won't stay in mine 7 nights a week, esp as he pays rent/bills for his own house, so there wouldn't be much point of that if he is never there.

I again suggested he move into a different house share and he said no, he's comfortable where he is.

stickybookmark · 27-05-2014 2:19pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

so its a case of staying in my house and my boyfriend staying in his, as he won't stay in mine 7 nights a week, esp as he pays rent/bills for his own house, so there wouldn't be much point of that if he is never there.

I again suggested he move into a different house share and he said no, he's comfortable where he is.

Give this a go for a while then and allow the situation to heal and the dust to settle. Ye don't need to spend 7 nights a week together anyway in mid-20s. Plenty of time for that in a few years time when (all going well) ye move in together and get your own place.

And focus (as you have been) on getting better and getting out into the workplace, also on having fun with your boyfriend (remember there's a reason ye got together in the first place!) and try to forget about C&D.

Gyalist · 27-05-2014 2:24pm

No relationship is worth that kind of stress. It's basically a choice between your health or your relationship. If i were in that position I'd put my health first.

username123 · 27-05-2014 2:29pm

I don't understand why you are having discussions, making suggestions, etc. You need to just lay it down straight. You won't be going there, end of.

No suggestions about who stays where and when. Do you even realise how controllery and crazy that sounds?

As for scumbags shouting at you in public, either act the same way you would if you saw a random junkie spewing random nonsense at someone you don't know. Ignore it, carry on with your day, make like they're not there. Or say back out nice and loud "Sorry, I don't know you and I'd prefer if you left me alone, thanks".

This business about snide comments, looks from the car etc...just rise above it.

I have to be brutally honest here, you are bringing some of this on yourself. This guy sounds like too much hassle, I wouldn't be bothered with such a high maintenance situation myself.

What Should I Do? · 27-05-2014 2:49pm

username123 wrote: »

No suggestions about who stays where and when. Do you even realise how controllery and crazy that sounds?

I didn't mean it in a controlling or crazy way. I just thought that maybe if my boyfriend and I had some time alone together it might help us to rebuild our relationship.

It's easy for you to say my boyfriend isn't worth the hassle, however I am the one who has been with him for three years so its not quite as easy for me to just end a relationship with someone who's been a big part of my life for three years.

Frankly I am getting an undertone of nastiness from your posts and I really don't appreciate it. You are entitled to your opinion, as are others, and I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and office advice, however I don't appreciate nastiness and would prefer if you left it out of your posts.

ahnow · 27-05-2014 2:53pm

Why is your boyfriend happy to stay sharing in place where you get bullied? Why isn't he standing up for you and supporting you? And if he's not supporting and standing up for you in this situation, what about down the line when things are more serious, in another scenario, I would expect he would be happy to turn a blind eye to any other bullying or unpleasant situation just so he can have a happier life?
You are in a relationship with him, you should be supporting each other. Some people may be different, and not expect this of another person, but for me this is a really important thing. Especially when faced with this kind of abuse and bullying.
Really if he cant stand up by your side now, when will he? And on top of that, you're going to have to keep seeing these horrible people as well? You need people that are 100% on your side when going through something like this, and you don't seem to be getting that, op.
Have you spoken to him very directly and asked him why he isn't standing up for you, and have you explained to him how that makes you feel when he doesn't stand up for you? Perhaps try having a very frank discussion about this with him, and if he's not willing to change, go from there.

Penny Tration · 27-05-2014 2:55pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

I didn't mean it in a controlling or crazy way. I just thought that maybe if my boyfriend and I had some time alone together it might help us to rebuild our relationship.

It's easy for you to say my boyfriend isn't worth the hassle, however I am the one who has been with him for three years so its not quite as easy for me to just end a relationship with someone who's been a big part of my life for three years.

Frankly I am getting an undertone of nastiness from your posts and I really don't appreciate it. You are entitled to your opinion, as are others, and I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and office advice, however I don't appreciate nastiness and would prefer if you left it out of your posts.

But trying to make your boyfriend move out and trying to tell him to stand up for you are controlling things to do. I don't think it's nasty to say that.

Ultimately, it's great that you've chosen not to go over there, because it'll help you to avoid them, and it's wrong for your boyfriend to tell you not to tell them to feck off, but they live there. You have no right to try to arrange things so they leave the place a few nights per week when it's their home.

If your boyfriend isn't willing to move, you can't have him over as much as you want, and they won't leave, where does that leave your relationship?

username123 · 27-05-2014 3:01pm

What Should I Do? wrote: »

I didn't mean it in a controlling or crazy way. I just thought that maybe if my boyfriend and I had some time alone together it might help us to rebuild our relationship.

It's easy for you to say my boyfriend isn't worth the hassle, however I am the one who has been with him for three years so its not quite as easy for me to just end a relationship with someone who's been a big part of my life for three years.

Frankly I am getting an undertone of nastiness from your posts and I really don't appreciate it. You are entitled to your opinion, as are others, and I do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply and office advice, however I don't appreciate nastiness and would prefer if you left it out of your posts.

I'm not trying to be nasty I'm simply being blunt.

If you feel my posts are nasty please report them.

I am actually taking time out of my own day to try and help you. Sometimes the truth hurts but it's better to get given the truth by an anonymous stranger than to be hurt by someone you love.

It is easy to love yourself and see yourself as number one and look after yourself first. But only if you want to. You are too busy pandering to other people rather than looking after yourself.

You need to look after YOU, your boyfriend clearly isn't. You would do well to take a leaf out if his book and look after number 1.

I'd also suggest you do a self assertiveness course because if being bullied is a constant reoccurring issue in your life it would be better for you to get the tools to deal with it.

meeeeh · 27-05-2014 3:07pm

Op, from your replys I'm starting to believe either that your bf doesn't overly care about you or that you are the trouble maker. He either prefers the peace and friendship with his relative than your well beaning and in that case I don't think a relationship where there is also no intimacy has any future. He is too much of a chicken to do what is right and break up with you. Or you could be on war path with his relative's partner and him and his relative decided it is safer to stay out of it (I've seen it happen). In that case I don't think it is overly healthy for you to stay in a relationship, especially considering your panic attacks. So yes I think you should definitely leave him.

What Should I Do? · 27-05-2014 3:08pm

ahnow wrote: »

Why is your boyfriend happy to stay sharing in place where you get bullied? Why isn't he standing up for you and supporting you? And if he's not supporting and standing up for you in this situation, what about down the line when things are more serious, in another scenario, I would expect he would be happy to turn a blind eye to any other bullying or unpleasant situation just so he can have a happier life?

This is playing on my mind, as I said in a previous post, as he hasn't stood up this time, and he's asking me not to challenge them on their behaviour - what does he want me to do? And to me its a red flag if in future there is an issue, I cannot rely on him to support me.

By asking me not to challenge them on their behaviour he is asking me to sit back and take it and allow them to treat me like dirt and I know if the situation was reversed he wouldn't be at all happy if I sat back and allowed a member of my family or one of my friends to treat him in the same manner.

ahnow wrote: »

Have you spoken to him very directly and asked him why he isn't standing up for you, and have you explained to him how that makes you feel when he doesn't stand up for you? Perhaps try having a very frank discussion about this with him, and if he's not willing to change, go from there.

Yes I have, several times, and he has attended a therapy session with me and I have had many discussions with him over it.

green_screen wrote: »

But trying to make your boyfriend move out and trying to tell him to stand up for you are controlling things to do. I don't think it's nasty to say that.

I wasn't trying to MAKE anyone do anything - it was a suggestion - not a case of me telling my boyfriend "you have to do this or that" - it was an idea and one I thought might help our relationship if we had some time alone together.

It wasn't nasty to say that, however from reading username123's I got a vibe of nastiness form it, I never said she or her post was nasty, but there was a nasty vibe from it, in my opinion.

green_screen wrote: »

You have no right to try to arrange things so they leave the place a few nights per week when it's their home.

I did not try to arrange anything I made a suggestion and idea that I thought might work for all four of us, but especially it would give my boyfriend and I time to try and rebuild our relationship.

Also, D does not live there, she stays over at night and has done this for the past number months, despite not paying rent or bills (although not my issue), and as my boyfriend says: its not her house or home.

green_screen wrote: »

If your boyfriend isn't willing to move, you can't have him over as much as you want, and they won't leave, where does that leave your relationship?

This is another issue, this is also why I made the suggestion.

ahnow · 27-05-2014 3:19pm

I really feel for you op, I've been in a similar situation, and in the end I just had to walk away, and it was very difficult, but I just thought at the end of all of it, I'm worth more than that.
It seems like in this situation it really boils down to self worth. You feel like you deserve better treatment than this, and it shouldn't be tolerated, but your boyfriend thinks you should put up with it.
It unfortunately does not sound like it's going to change. It doesn't sound like it's personal, it just sounds like your boyfriend is cowardly, but as time goes on and this continues, how much more of this can you take? And what is it going to do to your own self worth? Because from the outside, their behaviour is shocking, absolutely shocking, and any significant other worth their salt should be standing by you in the face of this.
Best of luck, I know how hard it can be.

Colser · 27-05-2014 3:20pm

Hi OP...Can I ask what your mother and friends think of all this? Have they given any opinions or suggestions about what you should do?

LegacyUser · 27-05-2014 3:30pm

I really dont think your bf is cowardly like ahnow is saying.

Ahnow, you have no idea who he is, what he's like - nothing. So genuinely dont see how you can come out with a statement like that. He may not want world war 3 blowing up in his house where he has to live. This is probably going on months now and he may just want to stay out of it. I dont blame him. D sounds like a nutjob. If it were me I wouldnt get involved either. OP is a grown woman, yes you were bullied through life which is obviously making it difficult for you to deal with these situations now, but like another poster said, you need to go to a course for self-assertiveness to help you deal with these situations.

In my opinion OP, you are going to come across people like D in life. Are you going to expect others to stick up for you? Or are you going to deal with it yourself? I know you said your bf keeps telling you not to say anything to them, but you just back down straight away?? If that was my bf I'd say f that, I'm saying something, if my bf didnt like it - tough.

I think you need to work on yourself OP. Yesterday I was all for staying with your bf, but now I'm not so sure. I really do not think your bf is to blame in all of this - it's D that is the problem. She is the one that this thread is really about.

Should I leave him?

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