Lazy partner

James5678

Hi folks

Been pondering writing this a while. I am married 4 years and we have three wonderful young children under six. I work full time and my wife runs her own small business. Kids are in childcare during the day, and they are all very happy, smart, thriving and well adjusted children who cause us no real problems. We are very lucky on the face of things.

Problems started almost immediately after we got married. My wife was at home as the main carer for the children and was miserable. I would come home to find her in absolutely foul humour, snapping at everybody around her, no housework done etc. it is no exaggeration to say that I was doing up to 60 hours a week between two jobs and then coming home and having to run the house as well. My main job requires me to work late at times and I was often met with the silent treatment when I did get home. Eventually I began ducking out of evening work when I could. I did most of the cooking and cleaning, took care of the finances and shopping etc, while my wife felt sorry for herself and took it out on me and the kids. I don't mind housework at all but it got a bit much in the end. This came to a head and we decided the best thing was for her to go back to work even if it meant being worse off financially due to childcare costs as I had a good income.

I had money saved and we used some of it to set her up in her business. She is good at what she does and has made it work. The idea was that she would regain her sanity and a happier household would mean we could share the chores and spend good time with the kids in the evenings and weekends. This has not happened and if anything she does even less around the house and seems to utterly resent caring for our children at this stage. When there is an event or family occasion she has then dressed up to the nines and is all over them like mother of the year, but at home it's a different story. She enjoys bringing them places and I know she loves them dearly but she doesn't seem to be willing to do the dirty work. She plonks herself in front of the tv after getting home, roars at the children if she can't hear eastenders over them playing, expects food to be cooked for her, kids to be fed and their uniforms to be magically clean for school the next morning. I am no shrinking violet but any time I try to talk about her behaviour it results in her storming out of the room in a temper. We had several blazing rows but nothing changes. I really don't know how she can think she is doing her part. I do almost everything and am totally sick of being the doormat. Her mother has challenged her about her behaviour but got nowhere, and a number of her siblings have told me that they can't understand how I put up with her so I don't think I am exaggerating the situation.

I am at a loss as to where to go from here. I cannot leave the house as I would miss my kids unbearably and would fear for their welfare under her care alone. Added to this is that she has let herself go physically and has zero interest in intimacy or sex. I am young and.need more than this, truth be told it has been probably two month since we had sex and I had to ask for it. I love her and I know she loves me but her behaviour has become unacceptable. She is also reckless with money and I have to keep a close eye on things, especially with her business. She sees this as nagging and often throws her eyes to heaven when I ask for information or documents saying she is too busy and will "deal with it tomorrow". As I said before she is good at her job but she is hopeless with paperwork and figures.

We did have a great relationship before and I would like to get back there but it seems a bit hopeless at this stage. Another issue is that due to the problems we have been having I have lost touch with most of my old friends and I rarely go out or do anything for myself anymore which compounds the problem. I used to have a great social life and had lots of friends, I rarely even get a text from anybody now. Guess they got sick of me saying I can't do this, that of the other. My life seems to be a never ending spiral of work and caring for our children and running the home. It has crossed my mind that she may be depressed, but when I see the drive and determination she has for her work I don't think that is the issue. I think she is just lazy and knows I will pick up the slack every time as I an organised and just won't leave things undone. Would love to hear if anybody has had similar problems and how they overcame them? I know if I do nothing then nothing will change, diplomacy has not worked, fighting has not worked, and if I leave things go then we will undoubtedly break up. Reading back over my post I can't help but think I am being unfair, but the reality is she is not doing her part in our marriage and depends on me way too much.

Sorry for the long winded post, had a lot of frustration to vent

December2012

Would you consider marriage counselling with your wife?

bee06

December2012 wrote: »

Would you consider marriage counselling with your wife?

I agree and also some kind of financial management course for the business. It sounds like she treats that as more of a way to get out of the house than a proper business.

ivytwine

As well as counselling, would you consider getting a cleaner or even an au pair? It sounds like you both have fairly good incomes coming in and if you paid a cleaner to come twice a week say, that wouldn't cost a lot.

James5678

Thanks, yes it may help. Is there an agency or network I can contact or is it down to ourselves to find a counsellor in our area? Obviously this would require an acknowledgement that there is a problem from her side, which I haven't had yet.

I also take the point about the business and she has done some courses already. The business is profitable and completely up to date with everything. I have experience with accounts and we had agreed first day that I would look after the books, and she would run the day to day. To be fair she does this extremely well. It is her passion and not simply a means to get out of the house. My only issue is having to ask repeatedly for bank statements, invoices etc. so that I can keep an eye on things.

I am conscious that I may have portrayed my wife as some sort of ogre. She is not a bad person but can be selfish and needs to start getting her priorities in order. I think possibly the biggest issue however is that the spark in our relationship is gone. There is no romance, no intimacy, we barely touch or cuddle ever. This is probably my fault as much as hers. We definitely still love each other but such a hectic lifestyle puts a strain on any relationship and we don't make time for us.

We have explored the au pair option also but it doesn't suit our current living arrangement. I don't think a cleaner is necessary either, I don't mind the housework but just want some help is all. It is a good suggestion however, and maybe something we could explore in the counselling. Thanks for all the replies.

December2012

A cleaner would cost about 30€ for two or three hours a week.

I know you can do it, but that's three hours you guys could spend as a family.

Do you have a babysitter that could allow you both to get out for a date once a week?

James5678

December2012 wrote: »

A cleaner would cost about 30€ for two or three hours a week.

I know you can do it, but that's three hours you guys could spend as a family.

Do you have a babysitter that could allow you both to get out for a date once a week?

Thanks, yes we have a babysitter who could help out. We are however what Is referred to as the "squeezed middle". Great household income on paper, but insane overheads, particularly childcare and mortgage, running two cars etc.. We do ok but we are a long way from well off at the moment. I know childcare costs will reduce in time.

I think a date night twice a month is doable however, maybe even an overnight every other month.

Does anybody know about the counselling, where is the best place to go for this?

ivytwine

I don't think you need to be necessarily religious to avail of this service: Accord

Some more links:

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

http://www.relationshipsireland.com/

http://www.familytherapyireland.com/

Hope these help

dipdip

Nobody has said this so I just want to validate you. You are doing an absolutely amazing job and your wife appears to be profoundly selfish and even negligent towards you and the children. You deserve a break. Your wife does not value you.

The cleaner etc. may just compound the problem, but the counselling is an excellent idea.

Have you considered drawing up a rota of household chores to be done between you? Of course, she could just ignore this.

Sex often suffers when one partner is self absorbed. Intimacy will hopefully return in time if you can successfully work through these frustrations in therapy.

Well done on being such a fantastic, supportive husband and father. Don't lose hope that things can change. Please insist also on taking some time for yourself, for your sanity.

retro:electro

All the advice thus far has been for you to get a cleaner or an au pair; a messy house isn't the problem here, there are serious issues in your marriage that only counselling can address.

James5678

anna080 wrote: »

All the advice thus far have been for you to get a cleaner or an au pair; a messy house isn't the problem here, there are serious issues in your marriage that only counselling can address.

Thank you, I am inclined to agree. We are in a deep rut and I can't see things improving without some sort of intervention. I think the will is there on both sides to work it out. I was putting her behaviour down to the kids being so small and the immense pressure that this brings with it, but now I am not so sure. It doesn't seem to be getting better even though the kids are more manageable now than they were in the past.

Dipdip thank you for your kind words, I find bringing up the kids very rewarding and am very proud of each of them. I feel like a fool for neglecting my own happiness and cutting myself off from friends however. I will try to put this right.

Sleepy

Don't automatically assume that you'd have to be the one to leave the family home in a separation either. More and more judges are starting to realise that the mother isn't always the best option to be the primary carer and, tbh, it sounds like she might not even fight you for custody were ye to split.