Really don't want to fall in love.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I think I'm falling for a friend of mine, a very good friend that is. This really can't happen and I don't want to feel this way at all.

I'm in my early twenties and it's something I want to avoid - I'm happy enough on my own. Anytime these type of feelings started to develop in casual relationships in the past I ran. But it was easy to cut contact because I wasn't close to them to begin with. But this time it's my friend and I couldn't imagine life without this person.

I know this issue sounds very immature but I don't want to fall in love with anyone, ever. I've had to pick up the pieces of other people's relationships in the past and know they never last (on the off chance some might) but I'm not bothered with love or relationships.

But I've never felt this way about anyone, this person is constantly on my mind, there is no escape. Is there anything I can do to see this person in a completely platonic sense again (as I did throughout the majority of our friendship)? Cutting contact would upset my friend and I don't want to do that.

Thanks.

Maphisto

How does your friend feel about you?

Is there a chance that they also harbour romantic feelings?

zippy90

gustomerko I'm in a similar position as you!
I fell for a work colleague- an arrogant one at that (though he's nice to me!)
I'm moving jobs next week, so I've been toying with the idea of telling him...but I really dont know what to do!
Like you, I'm not really interested in a relationship, as I'm always the agony aunt to my friends and I'm trying to work my way up the career ladder at the moment. Also we work in a pretty small field so people would eventually find out if we were together.
But the fact is, that doesn't alter my feelings for him. He's always on my mind and when I'm in his company I always feel like its right.
Sorry I've no advice for you...but I hope its a small comfort to know that there's other people out there like you!

Lou.m

Really don't want to fall in love. wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I think I'm falling for a friend of mine, a very good friend that is. This really can't happen and I don't want to feel this way at all.

I'm in my early twenties and it's something I want to avoid - I'm happy enough on my own. Anytime these type of feelings started to develop in casual relationships in the past I ran. But it was easy to cut contact because I wasn't close to them to begin with. But this time it's my friend and I couldn't imagine life without this person.

I know this issue sounds very immature but I don't want to fall in love with anyone, ever. I've had to pick up the pieces of other people's relationships in the past and know they never last (on the off chance some might) but I'm not bothered with love or relationships.

But I've never felt this way about anyone, this person is constantly on my mind, there is no escape. Is there anything I can do to see this person in a completely platonic sense again (as I did throughout the majority of our friendship)? Cutting contact would upset my friend and I don't want to do that.

Thanks.

Why do you want to kill your feelings won't this damage you inside more than a relationship?

Love with no fear.

Don't stay in a bad situation with someone who does not appreciate you or hurts you. And don't force anything with someone who does not like you back.

But I think restraining your truth will break your heart too.

Your heart is very strong. It doesn't break...it does get hurt ..but it is very very strong.

Yes a lot of relationships end.

You have to learn that. Because you have to learn that you can survive life after love. etc etc. Then when you do that you are free to give love unconditionally.

Is this person feeling the same way? Is there a reason you are fearful?

Are they likely to hurt you ? Did you witness your parents in a loving marriage?

What you describe is not very healthy.

What is it about relationships that you fear?

The end ..is not the end...it is a good lesson to learn that you survive breaking up after loving someone. And can love wholeheartedly again.It helps you love unconditionally.

I'm very cautious about who I trust. I try to have people who are on my side and positive in my life. Is that why are you are fearful ? Are these people bad boys/ girls? How could you build trust with them and within yourself?

I don't know if there is anything you can do to stop loving someone. I think generally either not seeing them or moving on to someone or something else helps. But it will in the long term stunt you.

You have to learn a little about being in relationships.

Love is beautiful. When two people decide to really work hard to be a positive romantic aspect in each others lives , when there is that spark and shared experience and loyalty it is really beautiful. I think being there for someone in that way is very becoming to the human psyche.

You have to let yourself go a little and love fully.

I know you have to make good choices and also you both have to behave well. If you want a relationship to work that requires work , honesty and caring as well as spark.

It's up to you OP. I think simply not acting on it and doing other things will eventually work.

If this person is a bad boy/girl then I can understand your wanting to avoid it. But if they are decent, honest and caring then maybe you need to ask if this is healthy or not?

Try focusing on you..DO YOU ..and see where it brings you..the trouble is it is hard to be fully you and ignore feelings you might find ignoring passion means you are less enthused about other things then too.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies everyone.

@sunflower27, to be fair the they were very severe. Not my friend's now but I have two older brothers both who I would be very close to and they relied quite heavily on me when they broke up with their girlfriends. One went completely off the rails after his first proper relationship broke down, became depressed, suicidal etc. He took an overdose and rang me before it to say sorry and I was only 13 at the time so I guess it might have effected me somewhat. Just the aftermath of the entire thing makes me feel it's not worth it. Relationships you would expect to go the distance, don't. Even reading this exact forum (RI and PI), all the people who have fallen out of love in marriages. It's awful depressing. I would rather keep my friend as a friend than do anything to upset them or fall out over.

@machphisto, I'm not 100% sure but they know me well enough to know now that I'm not into all that romantic stuff so I guess it's a "Why would I bother?" type of situation. However, if I did make my feelings clear, I think there would be a great chance that we would get together.

@zippy90, thanks zippy. It definitely is a comfort to hear that. What you mentioned about wanting to focus on your career is something that I really relate to too and how an a relationship can interfere with it.

@Lou.m, I think I answered some of your questions above. My parents are more friends than in love. It's become easier as they've gotten older but there was a lot of tension at the beginning. Oh no, my friend is lovely, a very nice person, I would trust them fully. I just fear the end of it, when it blows up in my face which it most likely would do. I would never like to be that vulnerable.

CaraMay

Op I would normally be recommending to give relationships a chance but, in your case and given the fact that you are already assuming it won't work, I would recommend you don't start this relationship. It's hard enough to make a relationship work with a positive attitude to it but if you start off assuming it won't work then you are goosed. It's a shame to pass up this opportunity but I wouldn't start anything til you have had time to speak to someone about your fear of relationships