What to do? Should I end it?

Snatchy

Sincere apologies for the length of this but I've always found Boards to be an amazing place to vent and all of you good folks out there have been massively helpful in the past.

So, I've been seeing a girl for just over three months now.

There are many things I like about her: she is kind (works as a social worker - I could never imagine having the heart and spirit to do her job and massively respect her for it), decent, honest person, she is lovely to look at, she is very affectionate towards me, our sex life is great, we've had some great dates, haven't had any real arguments and generally have a great time together.

There are some things that are less appealing (but that have not bothered me too much YET)[DISCLAIMER: I know this paragraph is a lot longer than the former paragraph but elaboration on my part is the only reason!]:

- different tastes in trivial things like music and humour (not that important tbh although I am hesitant to introduce her to my friends just yet and sense of humour is one of the main reasons why - theirs is much like mine: crude, slightly rude, slightly "boyish" and maybe a little immature - I guess some of us refuse to accept that we're grown men! - I'm not really like this around her);

- she's not a great decision maker for us as a couple and would rather that I always decide where we go, eat, drink, sleep etc. - that's fine but decisiveness is a quality I find attractive and that she just seems to lack; and

- I'd say I probably pay for about 80% of things that we do together. Having said that, I set the trend with this (as it's a nice thing to pay for things at the start of a relationship) and she is always very grateful. Also, I am mindful that my salary is much much higher than hers so I can afford it. The thing is, we both live in central London and things are expensive anyway, and we do expensive things quite a lot - cocktail bars, restaurants, arthouse cinemas, theatres - something every weekend (usually both Friday and Saturday). So it all adds up. I guess I'd like her to every now and again to just say she can't afford it so "lets not do it and have a night in" as she talks about how she's in debt quite a bit and I don't really care for fancy places that much and would equally enjoy a night in and she knows this. The most recent thing is that we're going to Bruges for two nights next week - even though we agreed to split it I have now paid for both travel and accommodation as when she asked for my bank details to transfer her portion to me, I said "don't worry about it" - I didn't want her to shell out £200 when I know roughly what she makes (some of my close friends are social workers too) and also that this month was going to be expensive for her anyway for various reasons.

Some other important factors:

- my job is bullish and hectic and I simply don't have time to see her between Monday and Friday. We message and/or call every day but almost never see each other during the week;

- this of course piles on pressure at the weekend because even though I want to see her, I have other things in my life such as exercise, music and a large social circle. I have been trying to balance all of these with spending time with her but they are starting to suffer as the weeks go on and this is frustrating;

- I like this girl and thought about her a lot when we first started seeing each other but now, I hardly think about her when we're not together;

- she is four years older than me and will be turning 31 soon. NOW, before people jump at this point, she is very chilled out about the whole biological clock thing but still definitely wants to have kids in the next 6/7 years. I have recently been thinking that I don't want to have kids until I'm at least 35 (ie - not for another 9 or 10 years!) and have satisfied all of my life/career aspirations. The inevitable question is - is this too fundamental a difference of intention for our relationship to be sustainable in the long run?;

- ALL OF THE ABOVE is almost fully applicbale (bar the last age-related point) to my last relationship which lasted 4 months before I ended it (approximately 2 weeks before this relationship started). Again, she was a great girl and we had a good time but it got to a stage where I just thought "she is far more invested in me than I in her and it's not fair". I'm not sure if that is the case with present gf but I know that from my side, I'm at about the same level as I was with my last gf.

My question is this: I've had two great girlfriends in a short space of time and have ended it with one and am thinking about ending it with the other. Am I just a lost and confused f*cker who doesn't know what he wants or what will make him happy? What do I do? My current gf has almost all of the characteristics that I would want in a girl but it's just not quite THERE yet. Am I incapable of falling hard for someone or is all this just silly and I should chill out and enjoy myself while I'm still young?!

Many thanks for reading!

irishguy1983

Your just not that into her that much really I'd say.

Could spend hours analysing it but your not into her that much and not really up for settling down anytime soon.

Merkin

Snatchy wrote: »

I like this girl and thought about her a lot when we first started seeing each other but now, I hardly think about her when we're not together

I think this, above all your other objections, would be the clincher for me. You're not seeing each other that long and if you were falling for her you'd be thinking of little else. Genuinely, if you were actually falling in love then she'd occupy a lot your thoughts and you'd want to spend as much time with her as possible. You wouldn't be able to help it!

Instead, you are picking holes (music tastes, her cutting into your socializing time are all incidental) and I think that's simply because you're not feeling it.

And that's ok. If it's not for you then it's not for you so if you can't see it working I'd just pull the plug on it.

ash23

I'm not sure if you're just not into her or if you're just not forward enough in relationships.

You say about her being indecisive (and that would bug me too) but at the same time, you seem to leave it up to her to choose what ye do when you meet up. Also the same re: money. You offer to pay or tell her not to pay you back but then it bugs you quietly in the background.

Try being a bit more forward about what you want from this relationship. Simple things like "lets stay in and watch a movie". "Lets go to the cinema, you get the tickets and I'll get dinner after". "I can't see you this weekend because I want to catch up with gym/friends/family".

I don't agree that if you were falling in love with her you'd want to be with her all the time or that small things wouldn't bug you. I love my boyfriend but certain things about him can bug me and because I have a kid and a fairly hectic job, plus a large family and a busy social life, I would sometimes need to say I can't see him or take a rain check. I also wouldn't want him around every single evening.

I'd say try to put the relationship on a more even footing in terms of what you want from it and see how that goes.
If she doesn't compromise or you're still not feeling it, move on.

Pippy1976

I agree with irishguy1983, you're just not that interested when it comes down to it. Granted you like her, you enjoy spending time with her but I feel that if this was the girl for you you'd have realised it by now.

I wouldn't wait around anticipating the lightning and fireworks on this one. I'd not waste this girl's time if I were you. You don't sound like you're in a settling down place so best to tootle along before she gets really hurt.

Snatchy wrote: »

Sincere apologies for the length of this but I've always found Boards to be an amazing place to vent and all of you good folks out there have been massively helpful in the past.

So, I've been seeing a girl for just over three months now.

There are many things I like about her: she is kind (works as a social worker - I could never imagine having the heart and spirit to do her job and massively respect her for it), decent, honest person, she is lovely to look at, she is very affectionate towards me, our sex life is great, we've had some great dates, haven't had any real arguments and generally have a great time together.

There are some things that are less appealing (but that have not bothered me too much YET)[DISCLAIMER: I know this paragraph is a lot longer than the former paragraph but elaboration on my part is the only reason!]:

- different tastes in trivial things like music and humour (not that important tbh although I am hesitant to introduce her to my friends just yet and sense of humour is one of the main reasons why - theirs is much like mine: crude, slightly rude, slightly "boyish" and maybe a little immature - I guess some of us refuse to accept that we're grown men! - I'm not really like this around her);

- she's not a great decision maker for us as a couple and would rather that I always decide where we go, eat, drink, sleep etc. - that's fine but decisiveness is a quality I find attractive and that she just seems to lack; and

- I'd say I probably pay for about 80% of things that we do together. Having said that, I set the trend with this (as it's a nice thing to pay for things at the start of a relationship) and she is always very grateful. Also, I am mindful that my salary is much much higher than hers so I can afford it. The thing is, we both live in central London and things are expensive anyway, and we do expensive things quite a lot - cocktail bars, restaurants, arthouse cinemas, theatres - something every weekend (usually both Friday and Saturday). So it all adds up. I guess I'd like her to every now and again to just say she can't afford it so "lets not do it and have a night in" as she talks about how she's in debt quite a bit and I don't really care for fancy places that much and would equally enjoy a night in and she knows this. The most recent thing is that we're going to Bruges for two nights next week - even though we agreed to split it I have now paid for both travel and accommodation as when she asked for my bank details to transfer her portion to me, I said "don't worry about it" - I didn't want her to shell out £200 when I know roughly what she makes (some of my close friends are social workers too) and also that this month was going to be expensive for her anyway for various reasons.

Some other important factors:

- my job is bullish and hectic and I simply don't have time to see her between Monday and Friday. We message and/or call every day but almost never see each other during the week;

- this of course piles on pressure at the weekend because even though I want to see her, I have other things in my life such as exercise, music and a large social circle. I have been trying to balance all of these with spending time with her but they are starting to suffer as the weeks go on and this is frustrating;

- I like this girl and thought about her a lot when we first started seeing each other but now, I hardly think about her when we're not together;

- she is four years older than me and will be turning 31 soon. NOW, before people jump at this point, she is very chilled out about the whole biological clock thing but still definitely wants to have kids in the next 6/7 years. I have recently been thinking that I don't want to have kids until I'm at least 35 (ie - not for another 9 or 10 years!) and have satisfied all of my life/career aspirations. The inevitable question is - is this too fundamental a difference of intention for our relationship to be sustainable in the long run?;

- ALL OF THE ABOVE is almost fully applicbale (bar the last age-related point) to my last relationship which lasted 4 months before I ended it (approximately 2 weeks before this relationship started). Again, she was a great girl and we had a good time but it got to a stage where I just thought "she is far more invested in me than I in her and it's not fair". I'm not sure if that is the case with present gf but I know that from my side, I'm at about the same level as I was with my last gf.

My question is this: I've had two great girlfriends in a short space of time and have ended it with one and am thinking about ending it with the other. Am I just a lost and confused f*cker who doesn't know what he wants or what will make him happy? What do I do? My current gf has almost all of the characteristics that I would want in a girl but it's just not quite THERE yet. Am I incapable of falling hard for someone or is all this just silly and I should chill out and enjoy myself while I'm still young?!

Many thanks for reading!

njs030

Op I think that you need to look carefully at yourself before making any decisions. All your points are based on things that you chose to do and are now blaming this girl for-

Point 1-
You haven't introduced her to your friends because you don't think she has the same sense of humour, yet you act differently around her.
So how do you know she wouldn't find them funny?

2- indecisiveness
On one hand you complain she doesn't make decisions but on the other you also complain she doesn't tell you to stay in! If you want to stay in then say that!! You can't have it both ways.

3- Money
So you offer to pay, she gratefully accepts. You complain about expensive nights out, but according to you they are your choice not hers?
Which is it op?
It's mind boggling that you're complaining about a trip away where she offered to pay her half and you refused!! What would you like her to do exactly?

I think you are scared of getting involved and nit-picking. Especially if this is the second time it's happened.

Maybe take some time to figure out what you really want instead of repeating the same thing over and over.

LegacyUser

Snatchy wrote: »

- Mod - Snip.

Wow ...mamoth post. (therefore snipped -Mod)

I would say you are not that into her. And the child thing is important and you need to be fair to her and you.

If you really loved her you would not be able to make a list like this. The decision would be simple it would be ...I want her ..end of.
It is not the girls fault she and you are fine as you are.

It could be that she is just not the love of your life and that lack of intense feeling is making the relationship feel like a chore.

She is doing everything right and you are not happy.

You say you are a good decision maker and value that. You seem to be terrible at making decisions.

If you want to look for a serious relationship you can have someone tick all the boxes you want but in the end it is what you feel for the person. It might not be a logical person.

There is only one question you need to ask ..are you in love with this girl?

If the answer is no then this relationship is going to stop you from meeting someone you do love. The person you fall in love with will not tick every box either. You will understand that.

It seems you have a picture in your head of some life you are supposed to be leading and trying to find the right girl to fit in it. It does not work like that. You have to listen to your heart. Chemistry goes way beyond sex. Do you DIG her?

No you are not lost or confused ...you just have not fallen hard yet. You will keep meeting new people.
Stop waiting for someone to tick boxes make a commitment. Only you know if your heart is willing to do that with this girl.

I would not want a guy to feel he had to splurge all the time. But then I would not want a guy who was younger making me wait if I did wish to have kids etc.

I think your feelings and heart have the answer either way. No you are not confused. You are normal and wanting to be in love is normal.

strobe

I'd agree with notsosweet. All the issues bar the kids one are basically issues of your own creation and all things which could probably be addressed really easily.

I disagree with people saying your just not into her so end it. You're only going out 3 months and there seems to be a huge amount you like about the girl. Think it would be really premature to just end things. There's no reason at all not to give both yourself and her a chance and a bit more time to see how things develop.

Introduce her to your friends and see how it goes. She may love them and they may love her.

If you don't want to pay 80% for all this expensive stuff then stop spending so much on all this expensive stuff.

You say you don't see each other during the week because of your job. Again, that's not an issue with her. Ask her I'd she'd like to call over to your place after work during the week some evenings.

Three months is a very short time. Start pulling the plug that early and you may end up killing things before they have a chance to grow again and again.

The kids thing needs a serious sit down discussion though, so don't leave it too long to have that discussion with her.