In love with two women

LegacyUser

Regular poster, going anon for this.

The long of the short of it is I'm in love with two different people and I don't know what to do about it. Both are from other countries, so I don't see either of them every day which is probably why this hasn't come to a head yet.

The first girl works in the same field as me, and loves me dearly, to the point where I feel like she's almost too dependent on me to make her happy. I've helped her confront a lot of problems in her life, and she tells me that no matter what happens, the three years since shes met me have been the best of her life. She's a good kind person and fun to be with, and in a lot of ways she's my best friend. We have quite a few hobbies in common and I can't see her not being part of my life.

The second girl is also in a similar line of work as me, and is very intelligent. I'm a smart guy (I think) and I like intelligent conversation, and I can have this level of interaction with her that I can't have with the first girl. We both love our field of work and love to travel, though there are times where she seems a little bit too lazy for me. She loves the arts, as do I, and she's also more financially secure, where the first girl has a lot of student debt to pay off.

There are days where I can see myself seeing out my days with the first girl and being happy together, and there are also days where I can see so many reasons not to do it. I also love the second girl, very much, and I seem to have put myself in a position where I feel like I can't live a life without either of them. Before anyone thinks this thread is for bragging rights about being with two girls or that I don't feel guilty, trust me this is eating me up more and more each day. If I leave the first girl it will devastate her, and it will devastate me too, and if I leave the second girl I will feel the same way. No matter what I do I will wonder if I made the right choice.

I desperately want to just be happy with one person, I don't want to live a life of lying to someone or not being completely committed to them. I feel so sad and so jealous of people who seem to meet the right person so easily, and don't question for one second who theyre with like I do. I've prayed for help in making the right choice, I often wonder if the best thing I could do is leave both of them and stay far far away, from all women, I wonder all the time if there is something broken inside me that puts me in this position where I can't commit to one person and be happy.

I know how it sounds, that I'm the greatest bastard on gods green earth but it weighs on my mind every day, Help me, please.

December2012

Given that neither of them has captured your exclusive interest - neither one of them are enough for you.


Forget them both and be free for somebody new.

Flippyfloppy

December2012 wrote: »

Given that neither of them has captured your exclusive interest - neither one of them are enough for you.


Forget them both and be free for somebody new.

Exactly. Neither of them tick all the boxes for you.

Lou.m

completelytorn wrote: »

Regular poster, going anon for this.

The long of the short of it is I'm in love with two different people and I don't know what to do about it. Both are from other countries, so I don't see either of them every day which is probably why this hasn't come to a head yet.

The first girl works in the same field as me, and loves me dearly, to the point where I feel like she's almost too dependent on me to make her happy. I've helped her confront a lot of problems in her life, and she tells me that no matter what happens, the three years since shes met me have been the best of her life. She's a good kind person and fun to be with, and in a lot of ways she's my best friend. We have quite a few hobbies in common and I can't see her not being part of my life.

The second girl is also in a similar line of work as me, and is very intelligent. I'm a smart guy (I think) and I like intelligent conversation, and I can have this level of interaction with her that I can't have with the first girl. We both love our field of work and love to travel, though there are times where she seems a little bit too lazy for me. She loves the arts, as do I, and she's also more financially secure, where the first girl has a lot of student debt to pay off.

There are days where I can see myself seeing out my days with the first girl and being happy together, and there are also days where I can see so many reasons not to do it. I also love the second girl, very much, and I seem to have put myself in a position where I feel like I can't live a life without either of them. Before anyone thinks this thread is for bragging rights about being with two girls or that I don't feel guilty, trust me this is eating me up more and more each day. If I leave the first girl it will devastate her, and it will devastate me too, and if I leave the second girl I will feel the same way. No matter what I do I will wonder if I made the right choice.

I desperately want to just be happy with one person, I don't want to live a life of lying to someone or not being completely committed to them. I feel so sad and so jealous of people who seem to meet the right person so easily, and don't question for one second who theyre with like I do. I've prayed for help in making the right choice, I often wonder if the best thing I could do is leave both of them and stay far far away, from all women, I wonder all the time if there is something broken inside me that puts me in this position where I can't commit to one person and be happy.

I know how it sounds, that I'm the greatest bastard on gods green earth but it weighs on my mind every day, Help me, please.

They are from other countries. You don't know which to choose because you are not familiar enough with either of them. If they were more in your life you would know.

I don't think you are in love with either of them. You just like these two people a lot.

I think perhaps you are correct you need to find out why you don't commit.

Personally I would go with the person who had the strongest feelings for me and I felt the strongest about.

Lou.m

Anyway you need to either make up your mind or leave them both alone you are being selfish.

If you can't choose then choose neither. Choose you.

Alf. A. Male

You have major criticisms of both. You're not in love with two women, you're enjoying the chance to have both and not have to make a choice. Stop fooling all three of you.

LegacyUser

I'm
1. Finish with girl A, continue with girl B. If you genuinely love girl A then the upset of this will probably destroy any potential with B.

2. Finish with girl B, continue with girl A. If you genuinely love girl B then the upset of this will probably destroy any potential with A

3. Stay with them both, the guilt will eat you up and eventually all three of you will be emotionally destroyed.

4. Finish with both of them, stay away from relationships until you have a better idea of what you're looking for.


I too always question every relationship and can't settle in one comfortably!

vixdname

I to was in a similar situation as yourself many years ago whilst living in Dublin.
To cut a long story short, every day I thought I had finally made up my mind and decided who I wanted to be with full time and have a future with and by the end of each day I found myself back not knowing what to do all over again.
Eventually I moved from Dublin back to my home town with one of the girls, the other never knew I had somneone else on the go even after that but we remained to this day friends on Facebook.
The girl I moved back to my home town with and I were together for another 3 or 4 years until we broke up for very different reasons (We just grew apart).
I suppose the moral of this story for you OP is this..... You speak as if you are making a decision on who you will spend the rest of your life with, girl A or Girl B,just as I was thinking all those years ago.
The thing is is life has a very strange way of turning your best made plans and expectations upside down and inside out.
Dont for 1 second assume that this decision, which you WILL have to make eventually will be the decision that finalises who you will be with forever, it probably wont.
I thought it was that kind of decision but a few years later, I'm married with children to a completely different woman whom at that stage didt know existed.
OP you will have to make the decision of whom to try and work things out with whether it be Girl A or Girl B, and take it from someone who knows, the earlier you do this the better because it'll eat you up inside, emotionally, mentally and eventually physically.
It'll be hard on whichever one you choose to leave go, but make no mistake, they will get over you and find someone else who will commit to them whole heartedly, something you could never do for them.
They will be happy, and you will to eventually, but only after this decision is made by you can the healing start so stop messing yourself about, if you care for them as much as you say, dont treat them like you are now, it unfair on them, if you respect them and love them as you say, dont treat them like you are now.

cletus van damme

continue as you are. these things usually iron themselves out naturally over time.

you'll eventually know who you prefer.

vixdname

cletus van damme wrote: »

continue as you are. these things usually iron themselves out naturally over time.

you'll eventually know who you prefer.

They'll only iron themselves out when the OP chooses A or B or else he gets caught out by either A or B, then he has no one.

He has to make the choice, no ones going to make it for him unless hes gets found out by one of the girls

LegacyUser

Your love is not enough for either of them. If you loved one of them with all your heart then you would not have in your capacity a percentage of love left for another woman. They each are not enough for you that you you are in love with both and drawing on different aspects of their personalities to sustain you. It is a difficult situation but you must make a decision based on your gut instinct. No one ever had gone with their gut instinct and been wrong. Also you have to consider the other girls feelings and let them get on with the life too instead of holding them back. Make a decision and live with it. If it ultimately is the wrong one, maybe you will have a second chance to fix things and if not you will just have to get on with it and learn from the mistake. Good luck.

cloudatlas

I don't understand why finance comes into the equation at all. Is it that you want to travel with your girlfriend and the one with student debt won't be able to afford it? Do you think they will be financially dependent on you? If you love/ like someone money shouldn't be involved. You're acting like you're deciding to marry one of them. Take a deep breath. Besides logistically how is this going to work if they are in another country?

ItIsThatGirl

If you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second one

cloudatlas

ItIsThatGirl wrote: »

If you truly loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second one

It's possible to love two people maybe not equally but it's possible.

Azwaldo55

You should arrange a date with each of the women, then surprise them by introducing them both to each other, reveal to them that you couldn't choose between them, tell them how you feel and how you didn't want to break their hearts but things have come to a head and you can't lie anymore. They won't be able to argue with brutal honesty.
You have to be prepared for what will follow.
Both might decide to slap you in the face and walk away.
If that happens they will both have earned a new friend and feel good that you got what you deserve while you will be unburdened and can look for someone else.
Another possibility is that one girl will leave and another will stay.
The girl who will stay will have forgiven you and will be mature enough to understand why you are seeing two women simultaneously.
She is likely to be worth sticking with if you want an exclusive relationship.
Another possibility is both women will be cool with it and might be happy to share you while they look for someone else serious and while you look for someone more exclusive yourself.
After all you three would simply be young people having fun and there is nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest about it.
So be honest and own up.
This might be something you will laugh about in years to come.

Lou.m

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

You should arrange a date with each of the women, then surprise them by introducing them both to each other, reveal to them that you couldn't choose between them, tell them how you feel and how you didn't want to break their hearts but things have come to a head and you can't lie anymore. They won't be able to argue with brutal honesty.

That is spectacularly bad advice. And very cruel.

Tell them but do it separately.

Yes it will let them see him for who he truly is though and let them have a say in the decision.