confused and let down:-(

wisewitch35

Hi im dating a guy near a year and since I met him ive been through alot with him he is living with another woman as part of a deal to get a visa with her I accepted that and went through near a year now not been able to meet him much due to the girl control ing his movements saying if he dates anyone she wont give visa so now the visa is weeks away but he has let the worry and stress get him down he told me that its for me he is doing all this for because he loves me that makes me feel guilty he is distant lately saying he is depressed over it all last week we we're ment to go away for my birthday I booked the hotel but he let me down as she might find out he says he loves me but I feel he loseing intrest now and its breking my heart because of all ive accepted and forgave I'd appreciate any advice xx

Penny Tration

If he's so happy to fake a relationship to defraud the government, how can you be sure he loves you?

Why would the woman control hos movements if she's just a friend helping him to get a visa?

Sounds as though he's in a relationship with her.

Do you not think maybe it's time to cut ypur losses and find someone who isn't a lying fraudster?

Pippy1976

Of course you're confused. I'm confused just reading your post!

Honestly, why are you hanging around for someone FOR A YEAR and clearly getting nothing in return. This person doesn't care about your feelings or about you.

Granted he might think you're a nice person and will be a good thing to keep dangling by a thread whilst he sorts his visa with this other woman. Really and truly do yourself a massive favour and cut all ties with this person.

As another poster said, do you want to be with someone who's defrauding the government??? Seriously? If he can do that he'll defraud you in a heart beat. Get out now. This is a dodgy situation.

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Hi im dating a guy near a year and since I met him ive been through alot with him he is living with another woman as part of a deal to get a visa with her I accepted that and went through near a year now not been able to meet him much due to the girl control ing his movements saying if he dates anyone she wont give visa so now the visa is weeks away but he has let the worry and stress get him down he told me that its for me he is doing all this for because he loves me that makes me feel guilty he is distant lately saying he is depressed over it all last week we we're ment to go away for my birthday I booked the hotel but he let me down as she might find out he says he loves me but I feel he loseing intrest now and its breking my heart because of all ive accepted and forgave I'd appreciate any advice xx

stargazer 68

I have to agree with green screen - this guy is a lying cheat. Do you really think this is going to end well if and when he gets a visa? If he is only living with her for a visa then it should make no difference what he does or where he goes. Something more is going on there then you want to let on - but I think you know that anyway.

Magicmatilda

Assuming everything he says is true - and that is a big assumption. How do you know that once he gets his visa she won't continue to control him with the threat of exposing him to the authorities.

It is all very dodgey to be honest.

I think you should walk away and find someone who is able to commit to you.

Meauldsegosha

OP this man is lying to you and he is lying to immigration officials. Get rid off him and report him to immigration. If he was an honest person he would be trying to get a visa legally.

Did you post him previously?

Merkin

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Hi im dating a guy near a year and since I met him ive been through alot with him he is living with another woman as part of a deal to get a visa with her

No, that's not the case at all. He is living with another woman because she is his girlfriend. It's really very obvious. If she was merely a misguidedly philanthropic and naïve friend, she wouldn't in turn be trying to control his movements or dictate terms with regard to his visa. You've been taken for an absolute fool and unfortunately YOU have been the other woman in all of this, for all of this time. If you sense that he is distancing himself you have had an incredibly lucky escape. Sever ties with him and maybe when a situation seems so glaringly suspect in future, don't just ignore all the signs.

Isn't this your second thread on this topic?

wisewitch35

I've asked him why she has control they have a son together also he said he has to keep her happy to get the visa and stay here to see child he tells me he loves me but has to keep her happy til visa comes and your right im getting noting here maybe one day a week for a few hours but I love him so much and am afraid if I walk ill never find another man to stay n love me im 35 now so I have to be sure before I leave

wisewitch35

Yes my second topic on this

Penny Tration

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I've asked him why she has control they have a son together also he said he has to keep her happy to get the visa and stay here to see child he tells me he loves me but has to keep her happy til visa comes and your right im getting noting here maybe one day a week for a few hours but I love him so much and am afraid if I walk ill never find another man to stay n love me im 35 now so I have to be sure before I leave

They have a son together, and he's not allowed see you. Come on. Have a bit of sense here. He's obviously in more than a fake relationship with her.

Where's your self respect?

He's a liar, he's defrauding the government, he won't see you, he's living with a woman he had a kid with. What more do you need before you realise you're just a bit of fun on the side?

Merkin

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I've asked him why she has control they have a son together also he said he has to keep her happy to get the visa and stay here to see child he tells me he loves me but has to keep her happy til visa comes and your right im getting noting here maybe one day a week for a few hours but I love him so much and am afraid if I walk ill never find another man to stay n love me im 35 now so I have to be sure before I leave

I remember your last thread. Do you have a disability as well? I remember back then, you expressed the same concerns, mainly your age and having a disability terrified you that you would never find "love" again. You were unanimously advised then that a. what you have with this guy is not love and b. being partially sighted or having any other kind of disability does not have to be any kind of impediment to finding love and certainly doesn't mean you should drop your standards. A disability doesn't make you any less of an amazing human being, please don't sell yourself short with someone who is very clearly already deeply involved with someone else and someone who is taking advantage of your vulnerability.

wisewitch35

He has told me that when he gets visa he is leaving her that he hates what she is doing to him he works 6 days to avoid going home to her

wisewitch35

Yes I lost my eye to a tumor and do feel thats why I accept all of it

Tasden

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Yes I lost my eye to a tumor and do feel thats why I accept all of it

If you hadn't lost your eye would you accept any of it? Honestly.

Penny Tration

wisewitch35 wrote: »

He has told me that when he gets visa he is leaving her that he hates what she is doing to him he works 6 days to avoid going home to her

If he hates her, he wouldn't have slept with her enough times to get her pregnant.

If he hates her, he'd be seeing you after work.

Btw, if he's living here without a proper visa, he can only work 20 hours if I remember correctly. So saying he's working 6 days a week is either a lie, or he's working illegally.

So, what you have is a guy that got a woman he claims to hate pregnant. He's living with her. He's defrauding the government. He's lying to you, OR working illegally. He doesn't spend time with you.

What are you actually getting out of this?

I remember your last thread, and everyone mwas unanimous in saying that you should leave.

Here we are again, with the exact same issues. You have a problem with your sight, so what? Since when does that mean you should let yourself be walked over by some lying scumbag?

Sorry for saying it, but if you're believing his crap, you're extremely naive and really should seek help from a doctor over how little self worth you have.

Meauldsegosha

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I've asked him why she has control they have a son together also he said he has to keep her happy to get the visa and stay here to see child he tells me he loves me but has to keep her happy til visa comes and your right im getting noting here maybe one day a week for a few hours but I love him so much and am afraid if I walk ill never find another man to stay n love me im 35 now so I have to be sure before I leave

Yes I remember your other thread about this man. Every poster then told you to get away from him and I think you will get the same advice this time. You won't find another man as long as you are with this one. You are holding yourself back.

IIRC you have a disability and low self-esteem. Have you done anything to improve your confidence issues?

wisewitch35

Yes I know in my heart what he is doing to me is wrong and I have to build my self esteem I have zero at the moment thank u people for replying to me it means alot

Merkin

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Yes I lost my eye to a tumor and do feel thats why I accept all of it

On that basis I think you really should go for CBT or invoke the help of a professional therapist. There are way worse things than being alone, namely being with a lying scumbag who is already involved with some other poor unsuspecting wench.

Also, while you are wasting time with this numpty, you are depriving yourself of meeting someone lovely. Someone who is not already involved and someone who will love you and cherish you. Please go and talk to someone m'dear. Nothing has changed since the last thread, don't waste any more time on him.

Penny Tration

You lost your eye to a tumour. It's an absolutely awful thing, and I won't pretend I know what you're going through.

But - you survived. Do you know how lucky you are? You survived a tumour, that's such a huge, massive deal. You got your life back.

So why are you allowing somebody to ruin it? You fought and lost your eye to survive. So stop letting this idiot walk all over you and ENJOY your life, the one you fought for.

LegacyUser

OP I really dont want to come across as harsh here by OH MY GOD are you really serious here? There really is no excuse for how you've let yourself be treated. I'm sorry to be blaming you but you really are being led up the garden path quite a while now.

You lost sight in one eye? That's hardly going to stop anyone from loving you in future is it?

I remember the last thread also and if you didnt heed the advice now then what is the point in anyone telling you the same thing again if you wont listen?

It's very hard to have sympathy for someone who knowingly puts themselves in these situations.

Simple as - get away from him, he is making a fool of you. Honestly report him, I wish we knew who he was because I'd report him in a heartbeat.

Stavro Mueller

OP what steps have you taken to improve your self esteem? Have you sought out professional help?

carraig2

cymbaline wrote: »

OP what steps have you taken to improve your self esteem? Have you sought out professional help?

Have you got friends? People to really chat to about this. People who can bring you out so you are not sitting waiting for this user?

wisewitch35

I dont have anybody all my friends have moved on while I spent my time persueing him so its my own fault ive nobody

carraig2

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I dont have anybody all my friends have moved on while I spent my time persueing him so its my own fault ive nobody

It is not your fault. He is a player and a user and a manipulator. Take it from me. I used to be one. They thrive on people's niceness, not just vulnerability, niceness. I bet you didn't drop all your friends the same week. I bet he encouraged you to make yourself available, to drop everything else. Take it from me, you did not pursue him. Regardless of how it looked he pursued you.What did he drop? NOTHING.
You need friends. You need to see the value in you. Listen to the people here because they don't know you, they are not your friends, but believe me they value you more than he does.

Czarcasm

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I've asked him why she has control they have a son together also he said he has to keep her happy to get the visa and stay here to see child he tells me he loves me but has to keep her happy til visa comes and your right im getting noting here maybe one day a week for a few hours but I love him so much and am afraid if I walk ill never find another man to stay n love me im 35 now so I have to be sure before I leave

OP this post says it all for me really. You're allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat, in the hope that this guy will one day be free from his girlfriend to ehh... well, continue to treat you like a doormat full time!

This guy is having everything his own way and playing on your desperation and loneliness. Did you drive your friends away for his sake or was it just a thing that you had no friends when you met him?

He's giving you false hope OP, and you're smart enough to know well what's going on here, but your desperation for company is overriding your common sense.

I can understand you being self-conscious about your eye (I wear an eye patch myself), but the more people you meet, the more you'll discover that other people aren't as conscious of your eye as you are (they're also not as conscious of the fact I have to use a crutch to get around either!).

What I'm saying OP is that your real disability isn't physical; it's the mental barrier in your mind that's stopping you from seeing that you deserve better, and you can do a hell of a lot better than someone who's just stringing you along to boost his own ego, because it sure as hell isn't doing your self-esteem any good to tolerate being treated like his bit on the side.

If it wasn't you OP, it'd be someone else, because there's always someone willing to put up with being treated like crap just to feel like someone gives a shìt about them. This guy couldn't care less about you OP, so it's up to you to take back control over your own life and start taking care of yourself. Put yourself first OP and don't settle for being treated like crap for the rest of your life waiting for this clown.

gugleguy

OP, to paraphrase Czarcasm and another poster on this thread YOU have been this clowns fun on his sideplate. Move away from this masquerade now

Pippy1976

You always have somebody. I'm sure if you picked up the phone to one of your friends they'd be thrilled to hear from you and concerned for your wellbeing.

Friends are there no matter what. It doesn't matter how long ago you were in touch. Phone one of them. They'll listen to you and advise you, I assure you of that.

wisewitch35 wrote: »

I dont have anybody all my friends have moved on while I spent my time persueing him so its my own fault ive nobody

Isolt

Wisewitch, are you from Ireland or another country? The reason I ask is you say your friends have all moved on. Is this because they have moved back home or have just gotten married/had kids etc? Sometimes when you're in an unhappy relationship you can push friends away without even realising it. I'm sure your closest friends would hate to see you this unhappy and would tell you so if they had the opportunity.

It is also extremely difficult to get a visa illegally, as in get a visa based on a fake relationship. By all intents and purposes he is living as her partner and her baby's father. Otherwise the immigration authority would smell a rat and they would be subject to home checks, spot visits etc. Also, how is he planning on getting his Visa? Presumably it's a stamp 4 he's after. As far as I'm aware (although I could be wrong) he must be either married to an Irish citizen to get this or else apply for Irish citizenship independently from her. So are they married? Has he intended to marry her?

My partner is not Irish and for us to get married it takes slightly longer than it would if was was even from Europe. His original birth cert needs to be stamped by a specific government office from his home country in order to validate our request to marry here. This is due to security measures (and rightly so!) to ensure that all documents are valid, that he is who he says he is and that we are genuinely a couple who are in love and want to marry. I don't mean to ramble, I'm just not convinced it's so easy to come by a visa via a relationship with an Irish citizen unless you have well and truly hoodwinked and cheated everybody along the way.

wisewitch35

He has a baby with her and the baby has a irish passport and birthcert so he is getting visa via the baby but without the mothers consent he cant get it so thats why he has to keep her happy

Penny Tration

wisewitch35 wrote: »

He has a baby with her and the baby has a irish passport and birthcert so he is getting visa via the baby but without the mothers consent he cant get it so thats why he has to keep her happy

I really feel for you, you're obviously in a horrible place emotionally.

I don't think you're taking anything onboard, though. I think you're choosing to believe him because you WANT to believe him. Most of your posts here are just defending him.

You're not going to leave him, that much is obvious.

So i would strongly encourage you to speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a therapist. Hopefully a therapist can help you regain some self worth. All the best.

Merkin

wisewitch35 wrote: »

He has a baby with her and the baby has a irish passport and birthcert so he is getting visa via the baby but without the mothers consent he cant get it so thats why he has to keep her happy

This suggests that you actually believe him. Until you come to the realisation that he is involved with someone else and is in fact a liar and a cheat, then you can't begin the process of starting afresh. I don't think you'll take the advice either, you haven't before, and that's just terribly sad. You're totally wasting your time with this person.

Czarcasm

wisewitch35 wrote: »

He has a baby with her and the baby has a irish passport and birthcert so he is getting visa via the baby but without the mothers consent he cant get it so thats why he has to keep her happy

You can actually see just how manipulative this guy is, and how he has already used one girl (doing a stand up job of "keeping her happy" too by running around with you!). He has a child with this other girl already OP just to get a visa, does that not tell you anything? He has no conscience about manipulating you either.

I think you see it OP, but you don't want to believe it. You're in love with the idea of being with someone, anyone, but at what cost? You're giving up your whole life for a couple of hours with someone that has no respect for you. Love is supposed to be a mutual feeling OP, and this guy playing on your insecurities is as far from love as it gets. You're confusing your sympathy for him (based on his lies) with love.

How long do you genuinely think a relationship with him would last before he's doing the exact same thing to you as he's doing to this other girl, notwithstanding the fact that they have a child together and you're at least looking at waiting on him for another 16 years, because being there for his child will be his next excuse, and that's even IF he is granted a visa (the fact he has a child with this girl is still no guarantee of a visa, not all people are as dumb as he thinks he is clever, and they're fairly on the ball in the Immigration offices!).

scallywaggles

As another poster said if his story is true, which is highly doubtful, and he gets a visa the woman he is living with can still get him kicked out so you will never "get" him, there will always be an excuse.
It's obvious you know what is going on, up to you to change it, he's going to keep playing you until he moves onto the next woman. You have a choice to make your own decisions and control your own life or let others make them and live a life of anxiety and worry, your choice, currently you are choosing the latter.

Stavro Mueller

OP, what exactly are you looking for from this thread? I mean, every single person here is telling you the same thing but you're not taking anyone's advice on board. It's like trying to play handball against a haystack. I understand that you're extremely lonely, you're desperate to have a boyfriend in your life and that your self-worth is in the toilet. The question is - are you willing to do anything to help yourself. From what I can see this man is bringing nothing but utter misery into your life and you're choosing to believe the pathetic lies he is telling.

You said earlier that you need to work on your self-esteem. I asked the question which you never answered so I ask it again. Have you sought out professional help? You badly need to talk to someone urgently. Please go see your GP or talk to a counsellor. Of course you're not going to do that, are you? Failing that, I hope that this waste of space does the decent thing and dumps you.

Typer Monkey

Having an Irish born child no longer gives a parent Irish citizenship. That entitlement was removed in 2003 so the mother's consent is irrelevant

wisewitch35

Yes I have made an appointment for pieta house to speak to a therapist I know I have to leave him im just not strong enough yet its breaking my heart I though everything he told me was true and he loved me but I know if I left today he would let me go and thay hurts the other girlknows about me but wants me gone out of spite on him I do believe that he is miserable in that home he telling me he loves me and wants to keep me as im the nicest person and he would never find anyone to support him way I have and that if I stay patient he swore he was leeaving her the minute visa came

wisewitch35

His solicitor told him because he has a baby thats an irish citizen that he is entitled to a visa

wisewitch35

She is latvian not irish but he will never marry her im sure of that so there baby is the only way to secure a visa

Czarcasm

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Yes I have made an appointment for pieta house to speak to a therapist I know I have to leave him im just not strong enough yet its breaking my heart I though everything he told me was true and he loved me but I know if I left today he would let me go and thay hurts

So you KNOW he would let you go, so you choose to stay in this mess so he won't let you go, because he says he loves you?

the other girlknows about me but wants me gone out of spite on him

From your very first post in this thread, you said he told you if he dates anyone his girlfriend will make sure he doesn't get a visa, and you couldn't go away to a hotel in case she found out about you? So which is it - she knows about you, or she doesn't know about you?

wisewitch35 wrote: »

he is living with another woman as part of a deal to get a visa with her I accepted that and went through near a year now not been able to meet him much due to the girl control ing his movements saying if he dates anyone she wont give visa so now the visa is weeks away but he has let the worry and stress get him down he told me that its for me he is doing all this for because he loves me that makes me feel guilty he is distant lately saying he is depressed over it all last week we we're ment to go away for my birthday I booked the hotel but he let me down as she might find out he says he loves me but I feel he loseing intrest now and its breking my heart because of all ive accepted and forgave I'd appreciate any advice xx

I do believe that he is miserable in that home he telling me he loves me and wants to keep me as im the nicest person and he would never find anyone to support him way I have and that if I stay patient he swore he was leeaving her the minute visa came

You genuinely do sound like a nice person, but your head is all over the place OP and this guy is taking advantage of you big time. You keep saying he tells you he loves you. So what? He hasn't shown anything even close to loving you, and telling you to stay patient until he can leave his girlfriend is just classic control and manipulation.

Also, either his solicitor is lying, or he's lying, because he is not guaranteed a visa. His visa application will be reviewed and investigated and you can guarantee they'll go through it with a fine tooth comb.

He would still have to apply for Irish Citizenship, and for that he needs an Irish sponsor. I'm guessing that will be you then, seeing as he's been able to manipulate you this easily so far.

LegacyUser

OP I'm not trying to be cruel but as this is your second thread on the same topic and you made little to no effort to use advice already given I'm going to be blunt. I think your getting some sort of buzz of being the victim. I think you like everyone telling you how nice you are and you can do better but if you do leave him you'll also loose that.

The story you've been feed is just that a story, the visa issue is lies based on the information you've given it's clearly just not true, your being taken for a ride by this guy and you want an audience for the trip. Get off the internet, go to your GP and get the correct support you need to deal with your confidence issues.

wisewitch35

He will get a stap four visa which entitles him to 3 year stay and cant be revoked obce given trust me getting a visa in ireland is too easy he has lied continues occasions to immigration and got away with it and noting is investegated he will get visa no problem with an irish baby

Lou.m

I think people need to be very gentle with you OP at the moment.

LISTEN TO ME. YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE LOVED AS ANYONE.

YOU HAVE AS MUCH RIGHT TO BE HAPPY AND TREATED WELL.

This man is using you because he senses you are suffering from low self esteem.

You should work on feeling more secure about yourself.

He is not being honest.


I think you need family and friends to rally around and support you. And work on getting that self esteem soaring I mean it.

He is playing a dangerous game with legal authorities and you are becoming embroiled in it.

I would suggest you see a Councillor as your mind has been slightly brainwashed you need to be brought around gently and given a firm sense of self and self worth by a professional. All we will say will fall on deaf ears but a professional will be able to get thorugh in a way you can accept.

This man is not good for you. You CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS MAN. But if you waste time with him the lower your self esteem will go.

Glad you will talk to Pieta they can help and support you and so glad to hear you know you need to leave him and are gathering strength.

You are a powerhouse of strength.

xxx

wisewitch35

Thanks everyone today I will finish it for good and suffer the agony of letting go of him and all the emthy promises and dreams I thought were real and try learn to demand more then what I got with him thak u again x

Penny Tration

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Thanks everyone today I will finish it for good and suffer the agony of letting go of him and all the emthy promises and dreams I thought were real and try learn to demand more then what I got with him thak u again x

Just remember - yes, it will hurt. It'll hurt like hell, and it won't be easy.

But that pain will eventually go away.

Several months of pain vs staying with him and ALWAYS feeling pain, worry, doubt and insecurities? I'd pick the first option.

Meauldsegosha

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Thanks everyone today I will finish it for good and suffer the agony of letting go of him and all the emthy promises and dreams I thought were real and try learn to demand more then what I got with him thak u again x

If you are serious about this OP you need to completely cut contact with him. Block his number and delete him from all social media. You need to be strong but the hurt will get less each day and in a few months you will look back and realise how much this man manipulated and lied to you.

Be strong OP and take care of yourself.

Taltos

Also OP - expect him to either spout every promise under the sun including "I've left her and need somewhere to stay for a few days" - either with you or someone else. He might well stay for a few days but will just bounce back to her again - basically will say anything to convince you he means it. Or the other is a pure rant of evil hatred aimed at breaking you down.

So don't let him do either - don't entertain him for a moment but be prepared for both so that the shock doesn't knock you back.

Merkin

Yes. I think you're quite fragile OP and he has shown himself to be a pass master at manipulation so I'm anticipating all kinds of promises from him. Will you please tell us how you go? He may start promising you the sun, moon and stars but time and again he has proven that these words mean nothing. Stay strong x

wisewitch35

Yes I will let everybody know what happens I can only contact him at certain times during the daywhen he turns phone on away from his home even just reading my own posts lets me see how desperate I am for any love or attention that id settle for this im in a very low place now because of this its destroyed me and I allowed it to because faceing the reality was to hard but seeing stangers here advising me and caring makes me feel much stronger I truly appreciate it everybody

wisewitch35

Yes I will let everybody know what happens I can only contact him at certain times during the daywhen he turns phone on away from his home even just reading my own posts lets me see how desperate I am for any love or attention that id settle for this im in a very low place now because of this its destroyed me and I allowed it to because faceing the reality was to hard but seeing stangers here advising me and caring makes me feel much stronger I truly appreciate it everybody

Penny Tration

wisewitch35 wrote: »

Yes I will let everybody know what happens I can only contact him at certain times during the daywhen he turns phone on away from his home even just reading my own posts lets me see how desperate I am for any love or attention that id settle for this im in a very low place now because of this its destroyed me and I allowed it to because faceing the reality was to hard but seeing stangers here advising me and caring makes me feel much stronger I truly appreciate it everybody

When you've done it, talk to your GP. pieta house are absolutely fantastic and I cannot recommend them enough, but I really think it'd help you massively to ask for a referral to someone who specialises in self esteem and self worth issues.

Stay strong and leave yourself free to find someone who truly loves you.