Boyfriend's living situation

LegacyUser

Hi

I am looking for people's perspectives and advice on a situation with my BF.

We are both late 20's and have been going out for 11 months. We both live separately in Cork. He lives with three housemates and I live with my sister. It is serious between us and we talked about marriage/living together at some point in the next couple of years. We don't live in each other's pockets and see each other maybe twice a week- he always stays in mine or we watch a DVD in mine, etc because he is embarrassed by his current living situation. Apparently the three guys he lives with are complete slobs and he doesn't want to take me round. Let me say that I absolutely believe him and I don't think he is trying to hide anything or indeed that he is a slob- he is always very well presented, and when round mine always clears and washes dishes, etc. I do believe him when he says the guys he lives with are the "stereotypical" guys in their 20's - messy, dishes unwashed, food left on counters, bathrooms cleaned once every six months by the sounds of it and so on. (I appreciate not every guy is like this and indeed I'm sure there are girls out there who are even more messy).

But in the 11 months we have been seeing each I have not got so much as to his front hall. He has always been open as to why he has not invited me round and to date it has been a running joke as I am clean and tidy and always joke that I could never live in that sort of situation but he really enjoys the company of the people he lives with and whilst they levels of hygiene leave a lot to be desired, ultimately he is willing to put up with it. To date it has not been an issue as we have been able to avail of my place but would anyone else be weirded out/annoyed to never have been invited in?

Now onto the second part of the issue......

So fast forward to now, I have got a job in Limerick and am moving. We had discussed this a few months ago when I was applying and he inferred that he would get his own place so that i could come to Cork every other weekend and would have somewhere to stay. He is going to come to limerick on the other weekends and stay with me (I'm hoping to secure my own place)

However now that my job is definitely secured and the move is on, he is talking about coming to Limerick every weekend and there is no mention of him moving from his current place which means I can't come back to Cork and stay with him! (As an aside my sister is moving to Australia for 12 months and so we are completely giving up our own flat!)

Would anyone be annoyed that plans we had discussed are now out the window? When we first discussed it a few months ago I.e. Travelling up and down at weekends, etc I didn't ask him to move out but he inferred that it would be a good time to make the move as weekends will be our only time together and he wanted to get his own place- I in no way pressured him and was surprised when he said he would get his own place as initially I had thought he would move to another flat share (which would be fine) and I could stay there with him- provided his new housemates were okay with it- but he suggested his own 1 bed flat. My move to Limerick is likely to be reasonably longtime- at least 2-3 years.

So now I am left with the prospect of him coming to Limerick every weekend to see me- which is okay-save for me actually wanting to return to Cork every once in a while. I don't want to make a big deal out of this or seem that I am nagging him in any way but his change of mind is getting to me as I don't feel he has discussed it. I know money is not the issue as earns a good wage and could more than afford a different flat share or 1 bed flat if he wanted too.

My issue is that because of HIS embarrassment over his flat mates/cleanliness issue it will start to directly affect me once I move. Has anyone experiences of something similar or advice on how I should handle it?

Chattastrophe!

Even though his flatmates might be slobs, if he gets on well with them and is happy with the current arrangements, it seems like it would be a really senseless idea for him to move into his own place just so that ye'd have somewhere to hang out every second weekend (or even less than that.)

From a financial point of view, rent and bills will be far more expensive if he's living alone. He may be thinking long-term, saving for mortgage etc.

And mightn't he be lonely? You do say that he really enjoys the company of his housemates. I mean, it would be different if he was leaving a houseshare to move in with you ... but moving from a houseshare to live alone, just to have a place to hang out with his girlfriend every second weekend, seems like a really bad idea if he's otherwise happy there!

By the way. He may have implied, but you inferred.

If I were you, I'd ask to call around. Now, before you move. If you've talked about marriage etc, this should not be a big deal. If he sees you're comfortable there, despite the fact that it's not the clean tidy environment you're used to, he'll be more comfortable inviting you to stay in future.

Honestly I think you're being unreasonable. Why should he change his living arrangements, which suit him at the moment, to accommodate you, when you're the one moving to another county? I get that he may have implied it was a possibility, but we're all entitled to change our minds. Chances are he thought it over and realised it was a crap idea.

Can't you just talk to him about it?

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you met his flatmates/friends in a social setting outside the house?

I don't know but his excuse sounds very strange to me. Why would he inconvenience himself for such a small issue as the place being messy?

Maybe i'm overly suspicious but i would wonder what he is hiding from you or who he is hiding you from.

CaraMay

You are trying to organise his life for him already and you are not together even a year . It's very strange that you have never been to his house and I it's even more strange that he will travel every weekend rather than let you inside his door. Have you met any of his friends or family?

Neyite

I cant speak for all lads obviously, but I've never heard of a guy who wouldnt even let his girlfriend in the door due to the mess. Clean guys steer you past the communal areas to their nice tidy clean room. If he is that embarassed, then the squalor has to be wrecking his head, and he'd be looking at sharing with more tidier people.

I'd wonder if he has another girlfriend either a live in one or maybe a flatmates girlfriend is a good friend of hers. Youonly see him twice a week and never in his home. And it seems that when you have turned up on his doorstep, he hasnt had the courtesy to invite you in? hmmm...something is not adding up here.

Merkin

I smell something really fishy. You've been going out a year and are serious enough to have discussed marriage so you are obviously madly in love with one another. At this stage, he should be more than comfortable enough with you to show you where he lives. He has already prepared you that it's an out and out tip and I'm sure you're not going to dump him on foot of this so his drastic move of actually wanting to move out lest you actually see the place is just very very strange indeed. Have you met his housemates? Have you actually said that you really want to actually go around there and visit him? It's a pretty big part of one's life to hide from someone if you ask me.

Magicmatilda

I think the only real compromise here is that he lets you stay with him in his shared accomadation when you are in Cork.

If he is not willing to do this then I would be asking serious questions. Specifically what is he hiding?

If he is really worried about the mess he can clean the place when he knows you are coming down?

I can understand it not making sense for him to move but equally if he has a place in cork why should you stay elsewhere when you are there, especially considering it would not have to be very often.

CaraMay

It's very strange to me that you can talk about marriage but not talk about this. Can I ask who brought up the topic of marriage? I would just be concerned that he is going along with the plans you are making

LegacyUser

I think people are really jumping to conclusions thinking he's hiding something. i've shared with very messy people before and while i was use to it and didnt bother me over all, it is hard to invite people over even when you have warned them before hand. you just never relax while they are there and want to get them out as soon as you can.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want to move out just for you to stay ever other weekend as it would be very expensive to get a place on his own or if he looked for different shared accommodation he might not find people he gets on with, it really is a crap shot when your looking at sharing. people are questioning how serious he is but if the plan is you move in together down the road then he might feel there's no point in him moving now and all the stress and expense involved with that as he might feel his next big move is going to be moving in with the OP

LegacyUser

OP here again.....

Thank you all for your comments.

I have met his immediate family (brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, etc) and met one of his housemates (once) and he seemed like a really lovely guy - we were in the pub across from their flat and my BF rang him and asked him to come over as he wanted us to meet. His housemate seemed really lovely and I have no reason to be suspicious.

I have never tried to insist on going into his flat and to see the mess for myself – and I am not sure I want to go down that road in case he sees me as being pushy or something. He has said that he is embarrassed by the mess of the place and I am taking him at his word. He doesn’t want me to see it and until now I have accepted it.

I don't think he is hiding anything other than a very messy flat :-) we have a good relationship, we talk about personal stuff and are very honest with each other (save for this issue!). The topic of marriage has arisen just through general chats - drunken and sober. He has made his feelings clear about me- we both see a future. We haven’t talked in detail about where we are going to live or the kids names yet but we are both committed to this relationship. I am in no way pushing marriage as that is not on my radar for at least 2-3 years.

I am not trying to organise his life. Quite the opposite really, when I said I was planning to move to Limerick, we discussed briefly the logistics of travelling at weekends, etc and he said that because of his current housing situation he would use it as a catalyst to move elsewhere. He directly said he would not have me stay in his current flat and that he felt that it was time to get a place by himself. As I said in my original post, it was his idea not mine. When I mentioned that I would not expect him to do all the travelling at weekends and would come back to Cork, he said that he would not have me stay in his current flat. Long before he met me, he did look at getting his own place but the few flats he liked went very quickly and he never took it any further (we had been talking about how fast the rental market moves and he mentioned looking for his own place hence why I know this).

The reason why I am annoyed is because if he stays in his current place (which he is entitled to do and I have no objection to per se) he has directly said to me that I cannot stay with him. He seems to have changed his mind about moving (again he can do that if he wishes) but he hasn’t said this to me and instead just casually mentioned in a conversation about coming to Limerick every weekend. I can completely understand that if he is living somewhere that he likes and he enjoys the company of his housemates, then he should be able to stay there but he has also indirectly said that any time I come to Cork, I would have to stay somewhere else which considering one of the main reasons I would be coming to Cork is to see him is (I think) completely ridiculous.

I am seeing him this weekend and will bring the topic up with him but I just wanted people’s perspectives on whether they thought the situation was weird. I am not avoiding this issue at all, it’s just that I think it is a bit strange to have never been in his flat and I wanted to know if other people thought similar so thank you all for weighing in. it is good to know that I am not being unreasonable for thinking it strange to have never been inside his flat :-)

pickarooney

He presumably behaves completely differently with his flatmates than he does with you and may be anxious that you'll see another side of him that you might not like. They could also be hoors for the drugs and he might assume you'd have a serious issue with it.

stickybookmark

You need to insist that you call around to his house, at least for a cup of tea. I had two friends that were two-timed and in both cases they were fed stories like this about why they couldn't come and visit the guy in his house.
Be straight with him, tell him you feel uncomfortable about the fact that he won't let you inside his home. Tell him it's making you uneasy and just to prove that everything is above board, you'd like to call around there occassionally.
To be honest him using a messy house as a reason you can NEVER stay there seems very odd to me. I've stayed over in houses with boyfriends where the bathroom was absolutely disgustingly dirty (a load of lads living together) and before eating in the kitchen, you washed what you needed i.e. you picked a dirty plate and a set of cutlery from the dirty piles, and washed them for your use. So they stored their cutlery and plates in the dirty form and washed as required (this was in college) and although I was fairly disgusted, my boyfriend would never had said I couldn't call in or stay over?!
I mean there was some excuse for this behaviour while ye had your sister's gaff to stay in which was clearly nicer, but now you're going to be in a position where ye have nowhere else to stay in Cork, and he can't let you stay over there, not even once, even though ye have nowhere else to stay?! This is completely ridiculous!
What if you are coming to Cork to go to his friend's birthday party, his sister's engagment party, his niece's christening, his work Xmas party, a gig etc. Where are ye gong to stay, a hotel? Does he have a double bed in his room? If so then there's absolutely no excuse for this.

But regardless of anything else, you need to go round there for a cup of tea asap to make sure there isn't something dodgy going on. People often see what they want to see....don't be fooled now and hurt later.

CaraMay

Op you are being naive. There is something queer going on for sure.

Big Bag of Chips

Him going to Limerick every weekend sounds nice (for him) in theory. But realistically it's not practical. As it is, you live in the same city and only see each other twice a week? Do you spend every weekend together? Does he go out with his friends at the weekend? Do you all go out in a group?

To be honest, OP, it doesn't sound like you're that integrated into his life really. You're going out almost a year, and you met one of his housemates, once. And these are people that he gets on with so well that he doesn't want to move out despite claims that he's embarrassed about the state they have the house in and will never bring you there. To me that says he values their friendship more than your relationship.

What happens the odd weekend that it's someone's birthday? Or there's a particular match on? Or the lads are all going out somewhere? He will inevitably stay in Cork the odd time. So.. do you just not see him that weekend? Do you pay for a B&B/hotel in Cork to go see him etc...?

You need to point out to him how impractical it is for him to travel to Limerick every week. Or how impractical it is for you to never ever be able to stay at his (unless he's willing to pay for a hotel for you both whenever you're in Cork )

But, really, it sounds almost plausible, but is quite a flimsy excuse too. Is there more to it? Is he actually sleeping on a couch/mates floor or something? I just don't buy that because of a mess, in 11 months you've never been allowed to his house, or have met these lads that he thinks so much of.

Semele

I've lived in a couple of extremely mank houses hares too and tbh it did make me very reluctant to have people over. But i still did! If someone is coming over to spend the night with me then we would just hang out in my room, which was kept to my standards and so was nicer than the rest of the house. I think it's odd you've never even slept over there, even if I can understand it not being somewhere you'd hang out out of choice if your flat was nicer.

Colser

How come you have only met one of his housemates(once)?.Surely there must have been an occasion in the 12 mths that they have gone out and socialised together if they are so friendly? What about birthdays ect? Do they ever have drinks/party/piss ups in the house? Why do you only see each other twice a week...usually when couples get together they cant see enough of each other? Sorry for all the questions OP but the fact that you have never met or socialised with his housemates in the last 12 mths seems as strange as the fact that you are not allowed into the house.

tinkerbell

OP, he's hiding something. Going out for a year and you still haven't even seen his bedroom? That sounds extremely suspicious. I'm not buying this excuse that the house is a mess. If he's so ashamed of his house because his housemates are slobs then he should be ashamed of the common areas only - not also ashamed of his bedroom as presumably he's not a slob? So there's something there that he doesn't want you to see.

December2012

Is it possible he lives with his parents?

Or with a girlfriend?

It seems like he's hiding "something"

Czarcasm

OP the regular posters around here will remember a thread where the original poster of that thread, one of their housemates was storing up to 80 litres of his own urine, in open bottles, in his bedroom.

You're going out with your boyfriend nearly a year, met the relatives and all the rest of it, you've talked about MARRIAGE for Christ sake, yet this guy won't let you past his front door?

Think about it OP, the lengths this guy is saying he was willing to go to, "because he doesn't want you to see how messy his place is"??


He told you he'd find his own place rather than let you stay over. He told you he'd travel to Limerick at the weekends rather than let you stay over. He's already flaked on finding his own place, and you think he's going to travel to Limerick every weekend to stay in your place just to avoid you setting foot inside his front door?

I'd be taking that marriage talk right back off the table if I were you OP, and I wouldn't be so naive either to just accept these lengths he says he's willing to go to just because he doesn't think you'll be able to handle seeing a messy flat!

I mean, you were in a pub, just across from the flat, and he called his flatmate to come out to meet you rather than just bring you over and introduce you to his flatmates properly?

And you're STILL not suspicious? There's so many red flags there tbh I can't help but think you're incredibly naive to accept such unusual behavior without question and talk about marriage when he's clearly hiding something. Sounds to me like he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear as long as you don't question his reluctance to allow you past his front door.

LegacyUser

He's hiding something? Secret girlfriend? Really? How the hell did people get that? Not every couple lives out of each other's pocket and not everyone likes spending time at home. I don't, even now owning my own place given the choice I'd rather meet people somewhere like a cafe or pub then sit in my house, I spend enough time there.

When I started dating my now husband I don't think he ever stepped foot in the house I was sharing. It was a kip I'll admit but I didn't spend enough time there to care. We spent time together going to gigs and films and festivals and when we did spend down time together it was at his place mainly cus it was just bloody nicer but also because I shared with 4 people and spending time in my room outside of having sex just sounded dull and we'd piss people off taking over the living room and why do that when he had his own place with a better tv and faster internet and a kitchen we didn't have to share or worry about cleaning straight after we ate? We weren't ready to live together at that stage but it seemed silly to spend time in my shared messy crowded house when we could just chill at his. We didn't see each other all the time either we both had school and jobs plus family and friends to fit in and we built up our relationship to were we spent so much together it made sense to get our own place.

If my BF had moved during that time and wanted to stay with me for a weekend visit I'd honestly have paid for hotel that's how messy they house was. I'm more likely to believes he's secretly a slob before he's got a hidden other girlfriend. I'm very neat living with my husband but when you share with messy people you either go mad cleaning up after them or you stop caring and become a bit of a slob yourself.

The OP boyfriend sounds settled in his house share and just doesn't want to deal with the hassle of moving, don't blame him it's a pain. He doesn't want the OP staying there because it's a kip, I'd believe that before I'd believe secret live in girlfriend. Sounds like 4 lads living like students and boy do k remember what does houses can look like (and smell like). The OP has only meet one house mate, could it be rather then a secret conspiracy that maybe it's the housemates just don't care? They're housemates not his family.

OP just tell him you want to visit cork some weekends and with sister moving you need to stay at his and talk the conversation from there like bloody adults and don't listen to all this paranoia.

NipNip

Personally, I would just arrive at his door and invite myself in.

therealme

Really hope none of us who doubt are right op but I too think this doesn't add up.

Has he met your family or friends?

Have you not had nights out with his friends/family - christmas, occasions, or just in general?? Sorry if this was answered.

You are considering marrying the man, even if he is living under a cardboard box - why go to SO much effort not to let you see his "home"? If you had a friend who put up your post - what advice would you give??

LegacyUser

OP again....

Thanks everyone. I am not suspicious of him and I don't think he is hiding a girlfriend. I will talk to him tomorrow about going round to his flat some afternoon or evening in the next few weeks and see for myself the alleged mess. Up until now I have never really considered our 'arrangement' because I haven't had to. Me moving is bringing everything under the spotlight! I do agree that what has been going on is not the norm.

The reason we only see each other twice a week is because I have a full-time job and have been studying a Master's part-time so my spare time is limited. We usually see each other once during the week for a quick dinner and then do stuff together on weekends like cinema or I'll cook or we we go out to eat and then he stays over. We are in regular contact besides seeing each other and text regularly and talk on the phone too.

I have met his other friends who are not his housemates- work colleagues, people he went to secondary school with and believe I am integrated well enough into his life- we were at a wedding together a few weekends ago (an old school friend of his got married). And he doesn't live with his parents as I have been to their house and met them.

I agree that there are certain 'red flags' in this situation that should have made me a teeny bit suspicious before now but I never gave it thought. I think you are all right that he is perhaps hiding something - to the extent that he himself is also messy, I don't think he has a dead body in his room or anything. The drugs issue I have not given consideration to and it is a fair point- if he is doing drugs (whatever ones they are!) that would make me uneasy and I wouldn't consider there to be much future for us.

Maybe up until I have been naive to not have questioned why I was not permitted to visit him at his flat but I am going to talk to him about it and see if we can agree to me calling round - even just once to satisfy my own curiosity (he will have time to clean up if he really wanted too). I think him coming to Limerick every weekend is not feasible hence why I originally discussed taking it week about - but all that is forgotten now. Whilst my immediate problem is that I have not yet been inside his flat and that needs resolved in the first instance, we also have to address what we are going to do once I am in Limerick I.e. If I will be coming to Cork and if so where I will be staying?

username123

Even if you didn't spend time there it seems odd to me that you've never stood inside the front hall out of the rain while he grabbed something he forgot.

The lengths he seems to be going to to keep you away from the place seem weird. I can't believe it's just because it's a mess, sure he could just blame the other people on that!

I'd be suspicious. I'd be asking him straight out why the hard work to keep you away?

Colser

Log in you say wrote: »

OP just tell him you want to visit cork some weekends and with sister moving you need to stay at his and talk the conversation from there like bloody adults and don't listen to all this paranoia.

Surely adults wouldnt need to discuss this it should be natural that your girlfriend (future wife?) would stay with you when she visits for the weekend? Does an adult really need to SAY this to their adult boyfriend?
Also when meeting your boyfriend in a pub across the road from his house would you not expect (as an adult) to be invited in for coffee before heading home?
Im not insinuating that he has another girlfriend but I dont buy the dirty house excuse ...

Neyite

Ok, so you are convinced that its not another girlfriend. Fair enough, you know him, we dont. But it is very strange.

As Czarcasm says, he has no business discussing marriage when he his actively avoiding sharing a big part of his life with you. Maybe he and his flatmates are utter slobs, maybe he is hiding a girlfriend, maybe he is running a weed farm, or maybe he is flatmates with a George Clooney lookalike and doesnt want you to dump him for his flatmate. Who knows?

But its not normal to be with someone for 11 months and have never seen them in their own habitat. When I first met my partner, I shared and had a tiny box room, with a tiny single bed, so it made sense to go to his to stay over as he usually had a whole house to himself. But he still got invited into mine for a cuppa, or sat on the bed while I finished my makeup.

I do think that you need to discuss this with him.

LegacyUser

First thing I thought of was a few weed plants op, maybe not his but he does live with other people. Fact is we can all speculate all we like. It's him that needs to show you his place and what's going on. I'm glad you're going to bring it up with him because I would have definitely brought it up with him well before now if he was my bf.

I also agree with few posts back - turning up at his door!

LegacyUser

Colser wrote: »

Surely adults wouldnt need to discuss this it should be natural that your girlfriend (future wife?) would stay with you when she visits for the weekend? Does an adult really need to SAY this to their adult boyfriend?
Also when meeting your boyfriend in a pub across the road from his house would you not expect (as an adult) to be invited in for coffee before heading home?
Im not insinuating that he has another girlfriend but I dont buy the dirty house excuse ...

No I wouldn't expect to be invited in for coffee, why? we are already in the pub. If I went to the pub and wasn't sleeping the night at his or the whole party wasn't moving from the pub to the house I wouldn't want to be invited in as by that stage of the night I'd want to go home. I don't get everyone's obsession with seeing inside the house, a house share with 4 lads you really think it's just going to be just a bit messy? I'd say there's stuff growing there no one should see. I got dragged along on a night out with some friends that involved stopping at a shared house - living room all the furniture was broken and floor covered in empty beer cans what bits of carpet you could see didn't look like it had be hoovered ever, kitchen all broken furniture again and dirty dishes and rubbish everywhere, main bathroom toilet was broken and smelled funky and the only other bathroom was an en suit via a bedroom no living person should be in (bed also broken to bits) and and there was no working light in the bathroom which I was sort of grateful for as I'd never have gone in had I been able to see the state it and this was 6 late 20s lads not students.

And yes they do need to have a conversation just because you are dating someone hell even married to someone doesn't give you the automatic right to go into their personal space without asking. By the OPs own post they haven't talked properly about things so future wife or not they need to start communicating clearly. The situation is changing, the OP didn't push about going into the house before this as there wasn't a need as she had her own place. They haven't talked about things they've inferred that's not taking. The issue isn't that she hasn't been in the house ever but that the BF inferred he was going to move out and now isn't but still has spoken directly to the OP about it, just hasn't mentioned anything. Maybe he thinks he's being a great BF by offering to travel to the OP and just hasn't thought things through at all.

Overthrow

A mate of mine has been going out with someone for over a year and she has yet to visit where he lives. The reason is he's just plain embarrassed of his living situation. He's made various excuses and the like and managed to put it off for this long. I guess he's hoping things will improve for him before it gets too big an issue. So OP, it could be as simple as that.

skooterblue2

I have lived with these kind of manky blokes as well. You would think they were being asked for a Kidney if they were being asked to wash up or contribute for Washing powder.......... "but its ok to use yours?".
The difference is I was never accepted and I was used and had to put up with their whole jack the lad builder get up. I never liked them and used it for what it was a house share not a home share.

There is a possibility he has low self esteem and these are the only connection to friends. I always say "Birds of a feather....". I would have been ashamed to have a girl back to those slobs place. It would be too much money to expect him to have a flat on his own.

I would be more understanding if he wasnt friends with them. It is strange that friends would have such different standards.

I am with everyone else...... there is just something not quite right with it.

sadie06

Hey OP wrote: »

First thing I thought of was a few weed plants op, maybe not his but he does live with other people. Fact is we can all speculate all we like. It's him that needs to show you his place and what's going on. I'm glad you're going to bring it up with him because I would have definitely brought it up with him well before now if he was my bf.

I also agree with few posts back - turning up at his door!

I have to say I thought the same. Maybe it's because I'm smack bang in the middle of watching The Wire, but I did wonder if it could be a grow house, or if one of his housemates or he himself uses drugs (mild or otherwise) and he is worried about your judgement on the situation.

Either way, you need to set a new norm, one where you can both visit where the other lives.

Big Bag of Chips

Log in you say wrote: »

.... I wouldn't want to be invited in...

I don't think it's a case of not being invited in, but more a case of being actively kept away.

A couple doesn't have to live in each others pockets. But surely never seeing inside the front door of the house of the person you've been going out with for 11 months is unusual.

You've been going out for 11 months. Have had discussions about marriage etc but yet there is one very big part of his life (his home!) that he is actively keeping from you. If it "just happened" that you had no reason to be near his house/in his house then fair enough. But... That doesn't seem to be the case here. It is not something that just never happened. It is something that he is deliberately stopping from happening.

Does he think you are really that much of a delicate flower that you wouldn't be able to handle seeing the mess/filth. I think the issue is deeper than never seeing inside his house. I think it has now become one of trust.. and whether or not he is lying to you about something.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You've been going out for 11 months. Have had discussions about marriage etc but yet there is one very big part of his life (his home!) that he is actively keeping from you.

But he may not view it as a 'home' but rather the place he is currently living there is a difference. It's shared, rented accommodation so likely few things in the house are his or any of the lads and not like you can paint or alter the space so he may just not have attachment to the space and it sounds like he's staying for the company of his housemates not because the house is anything special. Doesn't sound like the 4 guys sharing it are really keeping the place in good nick so maybe he just feels like I do why would anyone care to see inside a messy shared rented house? The OP has already stated she's been to his parents house and it could be the BF still views that as 'home'. Really feel people are reading way too much into things. If you were dating someone and you had a choice between a clean apartment shared with one family member or a crowed messy house share where do you think you'd spend your time? The situation is now changing so they need to talk about it but I just don't get the massive jumps to conclusions that he must be hiding something when it just could be like he said, the house is a kip and he doesn't want his GF seeing what a slobs him and his housemates are.

December2012

If he's thinking about marrying her in the future he should be able to open up to her about where he lives.

Merkin

December2012 wrote: »

If he's thinking about marrying her in the future he should be able to open up to her about where he lives.

^^ This.

When you love someone it is warts and all. Even if he is living in a cesspit he should be able to open up his life enough to her that he can show her his place, she concedes that yes, it is an absolute sh1thole, and they laugh about it. The secrecy and the going to such lengths to keep that away from her is just bizarre tbh.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

^^ This.

When you love someone it is warts and all. Even if he is living in a cesspit he should be able to open up his life enough to her that he can show her his place, she concedes that yes, it is an absolute sh1thole, and they laugh about it. The secrecy and the going to such lengths to keep that away from her is just bizarre tbh.

I'm just not seeing whats so bizarre about not wanting to spend time with a GF in a shared house thats a kip....honestly it doesn't sound like wanting to be close to a partner but rather being nosey. Just because your dating someoe doesn't mean you need to see every wart, my parents always had drawers in their room that the other one wasn't to go into, it had nothing to do with hiding something but rather just liking having their space, hell me and my husband have never used the toilet in front of each other and we're together years, being with someone doesn't mean having to share every single last thing with them, yes some couples are like that but not all of them. Rather then assuming the BF is hiding pot/another girlfriend/etc maybe just take it at face value that he's been to her gaff, seen how nice it is, how she keeps it and thinks her opinion of him will change if she sees the state of his place...is that really so hard to believe?

And I would question how mutual the talk of marriage actually was given the BF seems unable to talk to the GF about his choice to not move out, or the fact he never even really said he was moving out she just inferred it. A lot more issues to work out in the relationship then not having visited a dirty house share.

December2012

Maybe the problem is not how the boyfriend acts, maybe the OP has (unknowingly) made him feel bad about his living situation?

LegacyUser

cant log in wrote: »

I'm just not seeing whats so bizarre about not wanting to spend time with a GF in a shared house thats a kip....honestly it doesn't sound like wanting to be close to a partner but rather being nosey. Just because your dating someoe doesn't mean you need to see every wart, my parents always had drawers in their room that the other one wasn't to go into, it had nothing to do with hiding something but rather just liking having their space, hell me and my husband have never used the toilet in front of each other and we're together years, being with someone doesn't mean having to share every single last thing with them, yes some couples are like that but not all of them. Rather then assuming the BF is hiding pot/another girlfriend/etc maybe just take it at face value that he's been to her gaff, seen how nice it is, how she keeps it and thinks her opinion of him will change if she sees the state of his place...is that really so hard to believe?

And I would question how mutual the talk of marriage actually was given the BF seems unable to talk to the GF about his choice to not move out, or the fact he never even really said he was moving out she just inferred it. A lot more issues to work out in the relationship then not having visited a dirty house share.

Well difference of opinion. Everyone else here seems to think its odd. Including myself.

Again as I said in my last post - it's up to her bf to show her around and settle this once and for all. It is definitely bizarre, no idea why yet. But honestly how in the space of 11 months can he not even invite her up to his room?? Like ONCE? Yeah fair enough maybe he is a slob but HOW in the space of nearly a year has he not made effort once to clean his room up and let her come in? He doesnt even have to let her see the rest of the house?

You dont think that's bizarre? I definitely do.

catallus

It has been said on thread already: the guy is obviously living with his parents; it is the only reasonable explanation; he gets his family to tell a white lie, gets a friend to act as a flatmate and voila! He's just being silly OP, marry him quick!

LegacyUser

OP again....

He isn't living with family - they live in a separate village outside Cork. I have been there and it is the house he grew up in, he definitely does not live with his family in the flat share.

So I met him this afternoon and approached the subject. I said I didn't expect him to travel to Limerick every weekend and asked where I would stay if I came to Cork (every second week or once a month - it doesn't really matter how often I travel). The notion of me staying in his flat wasn't even referred to- straight away he mentioned 'treating me to a nice hotel'. I asked why I couldn't stay in his and he just repeated again that he is embarrassed by the state of the place and wouldn't have me stay there! I did say that if he is so embarrassed I find it odd he continues to pay rent. He completely agreed that it was odd and admitted that until now he has lived there out of laziness -the easy option of not having to consider alternatives. I also said that paying rent and 'treating' me to a hotel once a month might be as expensive as his own place and he agreed. So we are back to the start, he is going to look for his own place.

To be honest I'm exhausted by the whole situation. I appreciate everyone's comments on here and I did try and question him but he shut down on me tonight and I knew by his body language not to keep at him. I'm seeing him again on Friday and might try and approach the subject matter again- more me getting into the flat at least once in the not so distant future than asking him about moving out.

The more I think about it- and reading everyone's comments confirms my opinion- why can't I get into his flat once for tea it something. The limerick/moving thing is almost a separate situation entirely.

As I said I'm tired of it all and just want to stop this incessant circle! I trust him and love him but everyone has given me food for thought

NipNip

He's certainly a master of deception! Honestly, if you want to see what he's hiding, you'll have to just arrive on his doorstep. Surprise!!!

He is avoiding telling you something and at the very least, is lying by omission....

Merkin

cant log in wrote: »

Just because your dating someoe doesn't mean you need to see every wart, my parents always had drawers in their room that the other one wasn't to go into, it had nothing to do with hiding something but rather just liking having their space, hell me and my husband have never used the toilet in front of each other and we're together years, being with someone doesn't mean having to share every single last thing with them, yes some couples are like that but not all of them.

You are completely missing the point. I've no interest in seeing Mr. Merkin attend his toilet and I can absolutely be certain he doesn't need to see me do it either. Of course couples don't need to share every intimate minutiae of their lives with one another. This isn't about that. This is about this chap's home, his habitat, where he resides. Do you not think it bizarre that this couple have discussed marriage and yet she has never laid eyes on where the man sleeps at night? How could that possibly be construed as an invasion of space?

OP, his reaction would be a cause for concern. No wonder your head feels melted in light of all of this. He seems to be having an extreme reaction to a perfectly ordinary proposition, it's just weird.

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

You are completely missing the point. I've no interest in seeing Mr. Merkin attend his toilet and I can absolutely be certain he doesn't need to see me do it either. Of course couples don't need to share every intimate minutiae of their lives with one another. This isn't about that. This is about this chap's home, his habitat, where he resides. Do you not think it bizarre that this couple have discussed marriage and yet she has never laid eyes on where the man sleeps at night? How could that possibly be construed as an invasion of space?

OP, his reaction would be a cause for concern. No wonder your head feels melted in light of all of this. He seems to be having an extreme reaction to a perfectly ordinary proposition, it's just weird.

Because he lives in a bloody house share not some bespoke cottage he built with his bare hands and will never leave. A rented box of boring walls with furniture most likely from Argos or ikea and it's never entered his head to think why his GF who lives in the nice tidy flat with her sister would want to come spend time in a flat with 4 guys who probably don't know if they even own a Hoover. He brought her to meet his parents, they talk about marriage or at least the OP says they have, but it's a relationship breaking issue that she hasn't been into his rented box for or a cup of tea? The OP saw nothing wrong with their set up till paranoid people started talking about drug farms and secret girlfriends .... Yet the idea that he might be so concerned his GFs view of him might be effected by the state of his house and might have doubts about sharing with him down the line seems far fetched? People say he could clean up and maybe he could but he can't make the other 3 lads clean for his GF and maybe he's just lazy and doesn't want to deal with trying to clean around them.

Here's a question OP do any of the other housemates have girlfriends? If they do or have had at some point and they have waltzed in and out of the house then yes that is a red flag. If the house is party central with people flocking there post pub most weekends but the BF has never invited the OP along then yes that is a red flag. If his parents visit him there regular but your never invited along then yes that is a red flag. If however the house is just really used for sleeping/playing video games by 4 messy lazy dirty lads then maybe just maybe he is telling the truth.

Of course he may also be the crowned prince of Zamunda secretly hiding in cork to find a girl to love him for him and not his crown but his butler has decorated the house really flashy thus giving the game away so that's why you can't go in.

Mr. Incognito

Sounds like one of the "lads" might be a girl.

He might have a cosy thing going with her.

A home girlfriend and an out girlfriend

R.D. aka MR.D

Advice01 wrote: »

OP again....


I did try and question him but he shut down on me tonight and I knew by his body language not to keep at him.

What's he hiding OP? This is not normal behaviour.

LegacyUser

OP again

No his housemates don't have GFs and from speaking to his parents, they don't visit there- they don't have to as he goes home often enough so there is no reason to. Reading your post (Log In You Say) makes me realise how crazy I'm becoming- I think it is a house that is used for video games/sleeping. It doesn't seem to be a house that is used for partying/ having people round. In saying all this I would still like to see it AT LEAST ONCE. How messy can it be? I accept that I am very clean and tidy person and he probably knows that it is not the type of place I would live but invite me just once otherwise it is just weird. This might make me nosy (I'm happy with that label) but I'm not going to think ill of him or my opinion of him is not going to lower just because he lives somewhere that is never hoovered.

I agree that last night shutting down on me was odd but we were in a restaurant and I didn't want to be 'starting' on him. I could tell he didn't want to talk about it when he referred again to getting his own place and I'm willing to respect that. It will be interesting to see if he does make attempts to find his own place in the next month or so (if at least start the looking process if that's what he wants to do). If we have no progress in 4 weeks I'm breaking his front door down with an axe to gain entry!

tinkerbell

OP, he shut down when you tried to broach the subject of his living situation? There's a million alarm bells going off here. This is not normal - he is most definitely hiding something.

ash23

The fact that he is so dead set against you going over and refuses to even entertain the idea is what would bother me most about it.

I've lived in dives before and ok, you might not be houseproud and showing off your place but you wouldn't point blank refuse to have someone over either.

It's very odd OP.

Merkin

Log in you say wrote: »

Because he lives in a bloody house share not some bespoke cottage he built with his bare hands and will never leave..

Yet again, you are choosing to miss the point. Most young couples are sharing a house or apartment when they start going out and part of that getting to know you stage and having lots of sex etc usually involves spending time in one another's room. It's normal, it's what people do.

A rented box of boring walls with furniture most likely from Argos or ikea

Judgmental much? I've got a beautiful home and bought a large bookcase in IKEA last week. I simply must contact all expected visitors post haste and ask them not to come around until I've saved up for a Chesterfield :rolleyes:

and it's never entered his head to think why his GF who lives in the nice tidy flat with her sister would want to come spend time in a flat with 4 guys who probably don't know if they even own a Hoover.

Oh it's entered his head alright, he's become terribly defensive on foot of that. And this spending time you speak of does not equate with moving her stuff in, all people are saying is that it would be perfectly reasonable to have gone around there to wait for a taxi with him or had to pop in while he grabbed a coat or waited while he had a quick shower before they went out together. All perfectly reasonable scenarios given the couple are apparently close enough to have discussed marriage.

The OP saw nothing wrong with their set up till paranoid people started talking about drug farms and secret girlfriends ....

I think you'll find she started a thread on the issue

Yet the idea that he might be so concerned his GFs view of him might be effected by the state of his house and might have doubts about sharing with him down the line seems far fetched?

They've discussed marriage. If it's that bad let her see and at least then they are in agreement that she never wants to set foot there again.

Of course he may also be the crowned prince of Zamunda secretly hiding in cork to find a girl to love him for him and not his crown but his butler has decorated the house really flashy thus giving the game away so that's why you can't go in.

Don't give up the day job any time soon.

Morpork

When I first started going with my current girlfriend, she would never invite me into her place. I grew suspicious after 6 months and decided I was going to find out why. Showed up at her door one day and said "I'm coming in." Turns out her place was just messy beyond belief. It washed away any doubts or mistrust I felt and I honestly didn't care if she was messy. We're together 4 years and she's still messy!

But the point is, I'm glad I did it. Even if I found something I didn't like, it would have been the right decision. It was a problem and needed to be fixed. Fix it OP, you'll be glad in the long run.

Frigga_92

There's only one thing to get to the bottom of this. Arrive at his door and insist on going in, say you need to use the loo urgently, and see what his reaction is.

I would certainly agree with other posters who say that any marriage talk is off the table until you sort this out. I wouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that he has a secret girlfriend but something is definitely a bit odd about this.