Do I give up

LegacyUser

My Partner and I have been together for over three years, and we have a two year old child together.
We split up after new year's and we decided to give things another go three months later. We had been living together for two years prior to this, and we had been getting along great, but after our child was born there was a lot of family interference from his side and without going into too much detail here, I had a falling out with his Mother, as a result we stopped speaking. I got on very well with one of his sister's until I saw her true colours, she caused me so much stress and upset, that I had no other choice only cut her out of my life completely, Now I do respect the fact that she is my partner's sister and I would never want to come between their relationship, but I personally would be happy if I never saw her again( although I know that will not happen).
When I fell out with her mother it was not over a spoon of sugar, there were a series of events building up to this and I couldn't take anymore, this caused no end of rows between me and my partner and his sister was in the middle of it all causing more stress.
Sadly his mother became very ill before Christmas, I did speak to her during this time, but things were very strained and I certainly did not want there to be anymore stress under such sad circumstances and then she passed in February. I did appoligse to my partner for not speaking to her prior to her becoming ill but I stood by reasons.
We agreed to stop talking about this as digging up the past isn't going to lead anywhere good.
When we agreed to reconcile, we kept it too ourselves at the beginning to see how things would work, and then my partner explained to his family that we were getting back on track.
The families attitude was ( fair enough if that's what you want) however his sister is causing no amount of stress. She is using emotional blackmail to my partner saying thing's like how could you do this, and how could you take her side over mine ect.
I joined a parenting website that I was unaware she was on, each time I posted anything there she was running to my partner saying I was posting things about her which was untrue.
Yesterday everything came to ahead, she posted a pic of her and my child on this website, she did it purposely to rise me and stupidly I rose to the bait, to make this worse she had friends post very slanderous things about me on this site, these were removed by admin, but the fact is she did this show how evil she is. During the breakup she used my child as pawn by lying about me as a mother, saying that I was unfit and my child should not have been in my care, thankfully the lies were seen through and of course my child is still and will remain in my care.
As me and my partner are not living together again yet , I agreed he has joint custody of our child so that she has us both. I love and adore my child and I live for her. For his sister to try and have her taken from me just goes way beyond evil. She dose not love my child, she has proved that through her evil action's, she has also slandered my name at a parent and toddler group I used to go to and as a result I just cannot face going there after the lies she has said about me. I doesn't just effect me it affects my child as she will be going to school with these children and who knows what lies they will repeat back to her.
My partner is stuck in the middle of all of this and has asked her to leave me alone and stay out of our relationship, but she continues to bend over backwards to cause trouble and it is causing so much stress on us.
My question is if anyone else was in this mess, would the just walk away, or keep trying to keep the relationship going and hope she will eventually leave us be.
We do love each other very much, but there is only so much I can take, and at the moment like walking away. I am tried of crying, being stressed and constantly on edge because of this trouble make.

Please help if you can,
and thanks for reading this.

Maphisto

I susposed if I still wanted a relationship with the bf (there's not so much about the bf in your post), I just wouldn't engage with the mother or sister beyond usual civility. I'd also leave any website that the sister was on.

Best of luck

Penny Tration

Does your partner know what she's been doing and saying?

If he does, telling her to stop obviously isn't enough. He needs to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that you and your child are his priority and if it comes to it, he will pick you both over her.

If all you say is true, he needs to cop on and do what he can to stop it.

You say that you reacted to that photo she posted. How did you react? Be honest with yourself, is it ALL her, or are you acting badly, too? If you are, you need to stop engaging with her completely before anything can change.

Merkin

I think if you and your partner really want to make a go of the relationship going forward then you would probably both benefit from counselling and talking to a third party. His sister sounds venomous and regardless of everything, she is still his sister and to some degree will probably always be in his life, whether you like it or not.

On that basis, I would invoke the help of a professional relationship counsellor who will be best place to advise you on how to deal with the awful woman and to set out clearly defined parameters on what is and isn't acceptable to both of you.

Is there any chance that you could move away to a new city or at least a community some distance away? I feel that may be your best chance of your relationship having a future, away from toxic interference.

LegacyUser

I had to post as i read yours it bore so many resemblance's to my own story.

do you give up? i would say the answer is based on two things,all to do with your partner,


does he support you? (this is the most important. without this, you need to decide what is next for you....)

does he stand up for you and his child? (if he doesn't, you can work on this.)

the reason being, in my situation i too had it from both his mother and his sister in law (his brothers girlfriend)

but in my case, i tried keeping my husband out of it by not talking to him about what they were doing and saying, instead trying to manage it on my own, and i quickly realised this didn't work, they were his family and it was up to him to deal with them not me,

when he saw first hand both of their behaviours towards me and our daughter and saw his sister-in-law for the nasty person she was, he was unable to stand up for us due to a lifetime of hiding in the background, being "the good boy" but eventually we (our daughter and i) were being treated so badly (mostly by the sister-in-law interfering in our lives and competing with our lives rather than living her own) he stood up for us,

his mother backed down and now we have a reasonable relationship, we are building it up slowly, and the sister-in-law kept going, even using her own life events in an attempt to "get one up on us", so when it comes to her, myself and my husband pay her no heed, we just ignore her and her husband (his brother) and leave them off to their own devices, whenever they try anything on us (and believe me they too have posted nasty about me years ago on other forums, which i no longer look at as a result), i was stressed out, when other relatives stopped inviting us to events they were at i took it personally, who wouldn't? especially knowing she had told said relatives of the boys i have an mental illness i do not have.

so now we ignore them and stick to our own thing. it's the only way to deal with it. and we are much happier and much better off for it, the relatives that bothered to get to know me know the truth, the rest can live in ignorance it no longer bothers me, and i've learned so much from the experience i like to use what i have learned to help others like yourself.

but i could not have gone through any of this without my husband supporting me,and he always did, even when he couldn't stand up for us just yet, so does your partner support you?

because if he does, i would say don't give up, just stay away from her, give her nothing, ignore her, and eventually she will get bored and move on.


if he doesn't support you, then i think you have bigger problems than his sister....

username123

It sounds like you are not getting much support from your partner.

Really, other posters have given good advice and I can only echo it. Your partner needs to cop on. Moving away should be considered. You need to look at your own behaviour too.

Overall though, it sounds like a lot of drama and you need to ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself and your child going forward.

Neyite

Its really only your partner that you can influence here. And he is the one that needs to stand up to his sister. She will continue to do what she does to you as long as he allows her to do it. If he firmly tells her that the next time she says one word about anyone in his family, he will cut off all contact with her, and mean it, then her attacks on you will lessen.

You will get nowhere without him protecting his family from someone toxic in his family. Most of us have opinionated inlaws and the key to keeping them in their place is the partner they are related to. What does HE think of what his sister has said?

I also think distance / a fresh new start might be the key here. I know its not easy to move homes and jobs these days, but it might be worth considering.

feduptoday

Hi OP here,
Thanks so much to everyone for your replies,
First off, when this was going on last year, he did not stick up for me at all, hence endless rows, yesterday he did stick up for me and his sister launched a tirade of emotional blackmail on him and blocked him on facebook. Today we met and he was angry with me for all this drama that was caused, now I am to blame for rising to the bait, I take full responsibility there but I asked him to let it go and can we just move forward and that it would not happen again, but he still remained angry with me, and now it seems he is siding with her, saying 'oh she just put up a pic of her niece on the side' even when other posters blatantly pointed out she had done this to stir up trouble, and he then went onto say that 'she didn't post the slanderous comments so therefore it wasn't her fault' despite him knowing full well it was her that had her friends post this tripe.
I will admit I have not been an angle in the past and I did bad mouth them to him out of anger after what they did to me, but I agreed not to do that again and I have kept to my word apart from this weekend when she just took it to a whole other level, my attitude is do not involve my child in your sick games.
We have been to counseling and all this was brought up ( not this weekend) but the issues with her ect, and he agreed not to allow her come between us. I understand he is caught in the middle but taking his anger out on me because of her actions is just making life miserable for us.
The sad thing is when she isn't involved we are so happy and get along so well and are so in love, but the she come's and ruins it all.
Part of me want's out, but part of me want's to stay because I do love him and I want our family unit to be back together, just without all her hassle,
I have now resigned fully to the fact he will never side with me, but he should just do all he can to keep her away from me

username123

If he will never side with you then he isn't worth a relationship with.

You're his family, you and his child. You are the people he should be supporting. His loyalty should be with you. Not his sister. She doesn't share his bed, his life.

You'd be better to move on if your partner chooses his family of origin over you and your child.

stickybookmark

Hi OP, sadly this problem isn't going to go away completely if you break up with your partner. Unfortunately as you and your partner share custody and don't live together, his sister will have access to your child when you aren't there. She will be able to take photos and post them online etc. There's very little you can do to stop that. In fact if you lived with him, you'd have more control as then you and your parter would always be doing stuff with the child together and if she and you don't get on, she wouldn't be calling around very often. So you'd have more power and a much stronger position if you were living with your partner. The fact that you live apart is exacerbating the situation at the moment as ye aren't a proper partnership/family. Ye are living apart so that exposes weak spots which the sister in law is fully exploiting (e.g. she can talk to your partner when you're not around, she can fill his head with stuff).

If you, he and your child were living together as a family you would have a much better chance of blocking this sister out. I don't get on that well with my sister in law and she makes me feel quite unwelcome in their house as a result of which I don't call over there very often so I hardly ever see my brother & his kids. Sad for me but I'm just making the point that the lady of the house rules the roost in terms of who calls around etc. At the moment she can spend way too much time with your partner and has a much stronger influence over him coz you aren't there.

Things will settle down, it's all very raw at the moment as their mother recently passed away. If you can weather this storm, and resume a normal family life, it will get better.

feduptoday

Hi thanks for all the replies,
Stickybookmark, Thanks for your reply
I understand she can continue to post pictures of my child, and I won't let that get to me. It was the way in which she posted on the other site that struck a nerve with me, I understand I should not let her get to me and she is no longer on that site, so that's a relief to me.
I would not try to stop my child seeing her family and I would not want to come between them, when my partner and I were living together, his sister and I were no longer on speaking terms, but I still encouraged my partner to bring my daughter to her house to let her play with her cousins, I do not want the rows that have occurred amongst us adults to spill over and affect our child, but even though she was still seeing my child and partner on an almost daily basis she continued to cause trouble, showing him things that I posted online, even though it was not about her, she tried to claim it was, she kept emotionally black mailing him as she could not get to me as I would have nothing to do with her.
I have done everything I could to stay away from her, but she kept causing trouble until my partner and I split up. She was a huge strain on our relationship then and now that she knows we are working things out again, she is back causing more trouble.
If I move in with him I am worried that we will just end up breaking up again because of her and her trouble making, unless my partner puts a stop to it for once and for all.

Username123, You have repeated to me what so many others have said before, and I totally understand what you are saying. I just keep hoping that things will change as when she is not causing us hassle we are so happy together, and I really do want our family to be together and work out.

I understand some people would ask why I would want this woman near my child after all she has done, but the fact is she is my partners sister and he loves her and wants her to be a part of our child's life, the reality is I know my child will someday realize what this woman really is and more than likely want nothing to do with her as a result,so I think its best for now for me not to interfere there because the truth will always come out.

stickybookmark

feduptoday wrote: »

I would not try to stop my child seeing her family and I would not want to come between them, when my partner and I were living together, his sister and I were no longer on speaking terms, but I still encouraged my partner to bring my daughter to her house to let her play with her cousins, I do not want the rows that have occurred amongst us adults to spill over and affect our child, but even though she was still seeing my child and partner on an almost daily basis she continued to cause trouble, showing him things that I posted online, even though it was not about her, she tried to claim it was, she kept emotionally black mailing him as she could not get to me as I would have nothing to do with her.

Hmm...I understand your reasons for doing the above but I wonder were you being a bit too obliging and maybe a tad naive. To be honest the most important family structure in your child's life is its parents. Having a stable home with 2 parents in it, far outweighs the importance of having a close relationship with your cousins or your aunt. And I say that as a devoted Auntie myself. The primary family structure of importance for a child is with its parents.

Let me put it another way - the affect on a child of its parents breaking up would be alot more serious than the affect of it not seeing its cousins very often. I think if you give this relationship another go you may have to change your relaxed attitude to your brother bringing your child over to visit this sister and her kids. If these visits are destroying your relationship then that cancels out any positive impact they might have.

Of course your brother thinks his relationship with his family is important but I'm sure he realises that it's far more important for your child to have its 2 parents together and a stable family home. Children quickly adapt....your child would have other children to play with soon enough and they'd get over it (and maybe they'd even a brother or sister all going well).

Magicmatilda

To be honest I am unclear as to what this woman did to you?

Was it just that she posted a photo on a forum?

If I were you I would simply stop engaging with her. I would not speak to her, not phone her, not text her, not post messages on forums to her (who does this anyway?!) If she contacts you delete it.

If she is blackmailing your partner then point it out to him, calmly and make it clear that he needs to support you in this situation.

This definitely needs to be spoken about in counselling - what has he said so far about the relationship between you and his sister?

feduptoday

stickybookmark wrote: »

Hmm...I understand your reasons for doing the above but I wonder were you being a bit too obliging and maybe a tad naive. To be honest the most important family structure in your child's life is its parents. Having a stable home with 2 parents in it, far outweighs the importance of having a close relationship with your cousins or your aunt. And I say that as a devoted Auntie myself. The primary family structure of importance for a child is with its parents.

Let me put it another way - the affect on a child of its parents breaking up would be alot more serious than the affect of it not seeing its cousins very often. I think if you give this relationship another go you may have to change your relaxed attitude to your brother bringing your child over to visit this sister and her kids. If these visits are destroying your relationship then that cancels out any positive impact they might have.

Of course your brother thinks his relationship with his family is important but I'm sure he realises that it's far more important for your child to have its 2 parents together and a stable family home. Children quickly adapt....your child would have other children to play with soon enough and they'd get over it (and maybe they'd even a brother or sister all going well).

Hi thanks again for your reply,
The thing is if I were to change my relaxed attitude, there is no way my partner would stand for it, he is close to his family and would never stop bringing our child to see his sister and cousins, if I tried to intervene in anyway there would be endless rows and this would mean the end of our relationship, he would break up with me if it came down to choosing me over his family.
If he did stop bringing our child to her home as often she would be in his ear non stop, involve the rest of his family and it would cause war, really its just not worth going there.
As I have said before I am fully aware that his family will always come before me, that is not something I can change, the only choice I have is put up or get out, and this is where I am conflicted, if I walk away again, out child comes from a broken home, if I stay there is a chance she will continue to make life as difficult as she can, and if I react, its me that will come out the worst end of it.

feduptoday

Magicmatilda wrote: »

To be honest I am unclear as to what this woman did to you?

Was it just that she posted a photo on a forum?

If I were you I would simply stop engaging with her. I would not speak to her, not phone her, not text her, not post messages on forums to her (who does this anyway?!) If she contacts you delete it.

If she is blackmailing your partner then point it out to him, calmly and make it clear that he needs to support you in this situation.

This definitely needs to be spoken about in counselling - what has he said so far about the relationship between you and his sister?

Hi thanks so much for your reply,
as this is an open forum I do not want to go into too much detail as to what she has done.
The most recent incident was where she posted a pic of my daughter and herself on a parenting site that I was on, the reason she did this was to rise me, I had posted a picture of myself first in the parenting thread, and I received some very nice complements from some of the posters, she out of spite then posted this pic of herself with my child, I did not say anything initially, I just pointed out to other posters that this was my child as I had posted pictures in that thread of my child and me before and they thought the child with her looked very like my child so I explained how this was my child, she then began to pass nasty underhanded remakes to me on the site and that is when I reacted and needless to say it did not end well, as I said before, I should not have said anything,
During this fiasco she had her friend post very nasty things about me on the site and initially my partner took my side , she reacted very badly to this, saying how could you take her side, I'm your sister, after everything I have done for you blah blah blah, then she blocked him on facebook ect, he then took her side due to all the hassle she was giving him.
We had a big falling out last year when she revealed her true colours to me, I had my suspicions of her for a long time based on the things she has said and done to others but I did not want to fall out with her as she was my partners sister, but after the things I've seen her do to others and to me one night things came to ahead and I just had enough and made it clear I did not want anymore to do with her, I refused to engage with her in anyway so she continually bitched at my partner about how she did not want me in his life and so on. When we broke up she did some very evil things that I will not post too much about here, but apart from slandering my name to anyone that would give her the time of day, she tried to use my child as pawn to get to me.
Overall I have nothing to do with her, the incident that happened last weekend was the first time in over a year that I engaged with her and I know I should not have done that as I gave her what she wanted but lesson learned.
She knows she can get to my partner and upset him and this is why she dose it, we have discussed everything about this in great detail in counseling but my partner still wants her in his life and I understand this ( blood is thicker than water) but he assured me she would not come between us, but unfortunately she has again this past weekend.
It is an horrendous situation to be in, one you would not wish on your worst enemy, and this is where the decision needs to be made, do I walk away for good or not. I'm very conflicted about it all, as I have said before I do love him and want us to be a family again but not under these circumstances, and as much as I love being a mother and would not change this in a million years, my child is my life, it can be very lonely being a single mother, not having your partner there to share these moments in your life, enjoying days out as a family or just watching a movie as a family. and for these reasons its a very tough decision that I'm trying to make.
Initially my partner wanted me to have her back in my life for the sake of peace but I firmly put my foot down and refused, I made it clear I would never come between them but that I would have nothing to do with her, he was angry with me for this hence the row's now he has accepted that I have nothing to do with her, but he's angry with me for pulling her up on her comments on the site and defending myself.

stickybookmark

Jeebus H Christ, I cannot believe this guy's devotion to his sister! I've never heard the like honestly.....choosing your sister over your partner and mother of your child, seriously!? That's alien to me. In all the families I know like my siblings & their partners, my own parents, my aunts, uncles, cousins etc a man's first priority is always to his wife and kids. If his siblings don't get on with the wife, then the siblings loose out. Honestly I've never come across this before where a guy who is settled with a partner and kid, would choose his sister over his partner?!

I don't say this lightly but if it really is the case, and if you believe that he will never choose you over his family (and it's clear that you and his sister are never going to get on) then sod him, I'd walk away and start over.

Penny Tration

At this point, I'd be asking him straight out, why he continues to choose his sister over you and your child.

He should be putting you and your child first.

If he continues to pick his sister over you, I really don't see how you can stay in a relationship with this man.

stickybookmark

I mean it's really unbelievable that he thinks this relationship with his sister & her kids is so important, it's worth giving his own child a broken home over? I'd be asking him to explain that to both you and the therapist.

username123

The problem is the guys mentality. Blood is thicker than water. People trot that out all the time like it means something and the reality is - it doesnt. Its well used by manipulative families to keep everyone in line. These are the types of families who who treat each other horrendously and yet refuse to put distance between each other because, blood is thicker than water. Its a minefield of dysfunction.

The guy is, as has been pointed out by the previous poster, willing to subject his child to a broken home to spare his sisters feelings. And I betcha the reason he is willing to do this, is that he cant see outside of his own perspective so he thinks, no matter how bad it is, the OP will still stick around - because he does with his family, because thats what families do, because guess what, blood is thicker than water.

I dont think you can change someone with such a fundamentally flawed outlook tbh. His priorities are all wrong, but thats emblazoned into him through years of family conditioning.

Magicmatilda

stickybookmark wrote: »

I mean it's really unbelievable that he thinks this relationship with his sister & her kids is so important, it's worth giving his own child a broken home over? I'd be asking him to explain that to both you and the therapist.

This

I can't understand how he is willing to lose the opportunity of giving his child a stable family environment for the sake of his sister. I also can't understand how - if she loved him, or his child - she would let him do that?

He needs to explain this. So does she?

If as you say you know he will never choose you, or his child, over her then I really think you need to leave.

This will not be a good environment for you or your child. Once the sister knows she can dictate your relationship, she will. So she will be overly involved in everything. I would not stand for it.

To be honest they sound like a very dysfunctional, enmeshed family. Not good for you or your child.

feduptoday

Thanks so much for everyone's replies,
Username123, you have hit the nail on the head when you said that he cant see outside of his own perspective so he thinks, no matter how bad it is, I will still stick around because he does with his family, he dose very much indeed have a very flawed outlook and as you have said this is emblazoned into him through years of family conditioning.

Stickybookmark, I can completely understand why you would be so baffled by this, believe me if I was the outsider looking in, I would struggle to get my head around this too.
But he will always make me the bad one over her, this is how it has been and how it will remain and there is nothing I can do to change this.

Green Screen, I have asked him that question over and over again, and despite his actions he continually denies this and says that it's my fault.

Magicmatilda, you are right, it is a very dysfunctional family, his family are and always were overly involved in his life and the sisters life. They don't see it this way, but for an outsider looking in it is very clear this is out it is.
It is not could for our child you are spot on.

After giving it a lot of thought, and I really appreciate everyone's input, I have to accept things will never change and this is not healthy for me or my child, so I have decided the best thing to do is leave it at that.
I have giving this relationship everything I had, when we split up I agreed to try again because I wanted it to work so badly, but I realise it will not work unless everything is on his terms.
My heart is broken into a million pieces, I am facing a future of so much uncertainty,what is life going to be like, as I am wondering what about Christmas, her first communion ect, everything is going to be split. But I have to remain strong for my beautiful child and make the best of the situation for her and work to secure her future and happiness.

Thanks all again for your replies.

username123

Best of luck OP, sometimes the right decision is also the tough decision.

stickybookmark

feduptoday wrote: »

My heart is broken into a million pieces, I am facing a future of so much uncertainty,what is life going to be like, as I am wondering what about Christmas, her first communion ect, everything is going to be split.

It's very sad OP, but unfortunately lots of people are in this position and people figure Christmas, birthdays, first communion and all that stuff out. At least your child is only 2, she's too young to be really aware of what's going on and that is a blessing.

By the time she's old enough to be aware of the situation, ye will have a routine in place and hopefully the worst of the fighting will be over.

You have a lot of things in your favour for example irish law seriously favours the mothers in these situations. Hang on to your dignity at all costs, especially in the face of this wagon of a sister, it'll be like a shield around you, good luck xx

Magicmatilda

It is so sad that he has essentially chosen his sister over his child. I donlt get it.

You are in a tough position, as you say you are heartbroken. I really feel for you.

I hope you have family and friends to help you out. Be kind to yourself.

I would suggest visiting a solictor to get an idea of your rights regarding maintainence etc.. though I would try and keep it as amicable as possible with him. Hopefully you can come to an agreement regarding access or joint custody that will be good for your child. Though i would be a bit concerned about the aunts involvement in this. I imagine though that ultimately your child will judge you on the mother you are to her rather than on any lies that so called aunt feeds her.

You said you had not moved back in together so that is a blessing really.

Who knows maybe when he sees how serious this is he will change but I would not be planning on it.

feduptoday

Magicmatilda wrote: »

It is so sad that he has essentially chosen his sister over his child. I donlt get it.

You are in a tough position, as you say you are heartbroken. I really feel for you.

I hope you have family and friends to help you out. Be kind to yourself.

I would suggest visiting a solictor to get an idea of your rights regarding maintainence etc.. though I would try and keep it as amicable as possible with him. Hopefully you can come to an agreement regarding access or joint custody that will be good for your child. Though i would be a bit concerned about the aunts involvement in this. I imagine though that ultimately your child will judge you on the mother you are to her rather than on any lies that so called aunt feeds her.

You said you had not moved back in together so that is a blessing really.

Who knows maybe when he sees how serious this is he will change but I would not be planning on it.

Thanks so much stickybookmark and username 123, of your replies
and thanks so Magicmatilda,
When we split up, I agreed he could have joint custody over our child and we compromised on the access and got it signed off by the judge, so thankfully that is all in place as is the maintenance (which is bread crumbs) but I settled for it because I could not have on going battles with him as it would eventually affect our child. There is little or nothing I can do about the aunts involvement with our daughter, but as you have said, my child will see through it, I just hope and pray it will not damage her as this woman has already caused so much damage. I used to attend a parent and toddler group with my child and I had to stop going as this woman slandered me to the other parents there, the worst part is some of these children are the same age as my child, what worries me is when my daughter goes to school with these children what are they going to repeat to her after what her so called aunt said to their mothers.
I have said to her father that I did not want her to attend the school she would have been attending because of this,but because the school is close to where we both live, he insists she will go there, and if I refuse it will be more battling in court which I don't think I'm prepared to do.
I'm going to do my best to be as amicable with him as I can because the reality is we will be in each others lives for at least the next sixteen years and we have to be able to show respect to each other and communicate with each other effectively for our daughter.

stickybookmark

feduptoday wrote: »

I have said to her father that I did not want her to attend the school she would have been attending because of this,but because the school is close to where we both live, he insists she will go there, and if I refuse it will be more battling in court which I don't think I'm prepared to do.
.

If you have joint custody there's no reason why his wishes about the school would over-ride yours. You should both have an equal say in which school she goes to. If there's a disagreement, you let the family law court decide (doesn't cost anything) and it won't be battles plural, it will be one hearing where you both put forward your case and the judge will make a call.