What do I do now?

LegacyUser

Hi
For a while now I've wondered what a real friend was. I have people in my life who I thought were real friends but then they'd do something that'd make me question that. For example I have this one friend who really only calls me when his girlfriend is out of town or theres nothing else doing. Easter weekend was a bit of a cold slap in the face, I called him to ask did he want to go see a movie but as I was talking to him I could hear voices and music in the background, he told me he was having a BBQ over at his Girlfriends house and he couldnt go to the movies. I felt a bit disappointed but I figured he's with his girlfriend and her family and they're having a get together at easter, he doesnt have to invite me, I get that. But I saw pics on facebook the next day and it wasnt just his Girlfriends family, it was a lot of other people who I know too. When I saw those pics I was gutted, and I told myself that enough was enough. This type of thing has happened a lot over the years so it wasnt just one incident. I told myself I was gonna cut contact and end the friendship. The following week he called and texted asking to go to the movies, I didnt reply and I've blanked him ever since. I know that comes across as passive aggressive and abit childish but I was just at a stage where enough was enough, I just didnt want to know after the BBQ thing. The problem is Im in my mid 30s and he was basically the only friend I had left who wasnt married with kids. I havent seen my married friends in over a year and they make no attempt to contact me(I've tried to contact them). So by cutting this guy out I have left myself alone. I have no family myself so I dont have that to fall back on. I wasnt happy with the way this friend was treating me, so I felt I needed to cut the chord even though that left me without anyone really. I know I made the right decision but Im a bit worried about my future. To make new friends in your 30s is proving difficult, I;'ve been trying. I've joined clubs and tried to connect with people, be open and friendly but beyond the confines of the club activity nobody really wants to know. I've tried the meet-up thing and at the risk of sounding like Im slagging people off, I found that it consists of socially awkward or just plain strange individuals. They just werent the kind of people I'd get along with or have a lot in common.
So I really dont know what to do now. I know not having a family has left a big gaping hole inside of me, Im seeing a counsellor and trying to deal with that. But since I cut my friend out I feel that the gaping hole has now become a massive abyss and Im concerned about what'll happen in the future. I know some guys who are older than me by about 10 or 15years and I see them in the gym or wherever and talk to them and they're like lost souls. From talking to them I;ve learned that they too had little or nothing in the way of family, theyre not married and have no girlfriends. They terrify me to be honest because I think to myself, is this me in 10 years time? I tell myself I cant let that happen but despite my best efforts it is happening. I would like to meet a girl, it'd be great to have somebody the way everybody I know has, but Im stumped as to how I could meet somebody right now the way my life is. I told myself I'd never resort to internet dating, as I just feel like its inherently flawed and the whole concept just doesnt sit well with me, it just isnt my thing. Im really happy with myself in the looks dept, Im fit and look after myself and my appearance and Im pretty easy going, not socially inept or anything like that but still I havent managed to meet anybody for a while.
Anyway I know thats a bit of a ramble............I guess any advice would be great Thanks.

December2012

Hang on - you've stopped being friends with him because he didn't invite you over to a barbecue?

And while you knew the other people there, they are not, by your own post above, your friends?

Is he not allowed to have any friends except you?

retro:electro

You're in your mid 30's and completely cut off a good friend because he didn't invite you to a BBQ?? OP that is crazy. He probably felt bad about it hence why he asked you to meet up the following week but now you're just ignoring him. You have put yourself in this bad situation OP, nobody else. Call him and arrange to do something together, honestly I've never heard of something so silly.

LegacyUser

Op here, just wanted to clear up one thing.........I didnt cut this friend off just because he didnt invite me to one thing(the BBQ). I did say in my post that this wasnt the first time something like this happened, theres a pattern and a long history of him acting this way. I've gone to things with other friends in the past and invited him along, I always have. When I was going out with my last girlfriend I always made sure to include him, I always made sure he wasnt left out of anything. But he doesnt reciprocate. We've arranged to do things and on the day when I'd call he wouldnt answer and I wouldnt hear from him for weeks.
So like I Said, its not one thing, the BBQ was the last in a long line of him acting this way. I dont know, maybe my idea of what a friend should be is different to everybody elses? Im not being cheeky here and trying to start a row, Im genuinely wondering is this friendship as most people see it? For me friendship is looking out for each other, being honest and having your friends back.

trancemuzic

I get the impression that if your friend had of invited you to the party he might have had to devote most of his time to you to make sure you were ok and not feeling left out , maybe he just wanted to relax and mingle without having to spend most his time making sure you are not feeling left out

I don't say that trying to be mean
My best mate has another group of friends that he spends a lot of time with and i really don't get on with most of them , its not that i dislike them but i just wouldn't have much time for them and they wouldn't have much time for me but they are my best mates friends

He often goes to parties or nights out with that group and wouldn't invite me , but i don't get bothered because i know if he invited me he wouldn't have much time for anyone else as he would have to make sure i wasn't feeling left out of the group

Don't take it personally just get on with it

December2012

You say yourself you don't have many friends, so maybe you're not the best judge of friendship standards.

In my view it's ok to put girlfriends over friends and choose up see them first.

In my view it's also ok to see friends separately.

You can keep your own standards but make sure you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And if other people have relationships that you would like to have, then maybe you should look at what they do instead of what you do.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

You say yourself you don't have many friends, so maybe you're not the best judge of friendship standards.

In my view it's ok to put girlfriends over friends and choose up see them first.

In my view it's also ok to see friends separately.

You can keep your own standards but make sure you're not cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And if other people have relationships that you would like to have, then maybe you should look at what they do instead of what you do.

But is your own intuition not the best barometer of friendship and what it means to you? I mean for one person maybe they'd be fine with everything thats gone on with my friend, but for another person, they wouldnt be. I mean theres no point in being friends with somebody if the way they treat you isnt something that synchs with your own personal philosophy of what friendship is. But isnt all about keeping your own personal standards though? If you were say going out with somebody and you werent happy about the way they treated you would you not end the relationship?
In regards to choosing friends over girlfriends.............I understand that you spend time with your girlfriend, thats fair enough, but for me I would never choose a girl I'd known maybe a few months or even 2 years over somebody I'd been friends with for 20years. I just dont get people who'd do that. it shows a lack of loyalty. Like I said when I was going out with my last girlfriend I always made time for my friend, I made sure if something was coming up(like a BBQ) to invite him.

December2012

I don't think my own intuition is the best for everything. In fact it has let me down sometimes, and by asking somebody whose opinion I trust I have learned different techniques and achieved my aims.

nc19

OP

i had similar issues over the yrs with 'friends' - not being invited to things etc despite me making effort for the. I hadnt seen them for a while due to work and babies and life in general but the last straw for me was when i see on fb that the one i knew for longest (over 10yrs) got married and i knew nothing about it. I unfriended all of them on fb and i couldnt be happier.

Its easier for me cos i have a family and still have 1 good friend from school but still, its not worth staying friends with people when all you are is an afterthought

Lou.m

December2012 wrote: »

Hang on - you've stopped being friends with him because he didn't invite you over to a barbecue?

And while you knew the other people there, they are not, by your own post above, your friends?

Is he not allowed to have any friends except you?

He stopped being friends with him because he felt under appreciated and those were the examples he gave of why.

You are not listening to what he is saying.

I would have been hurt at that too. It is not just one incident. But that incident is an example of a pattern with that person.

That person likes his friend to wait around for him.

OP you will connect with people. It sounds like you are looking not just for friends but to make roots and a family and you need that anchor in order to be fulfilled enough to have friends without placing too much need on that friendship.

Keep trying to establish connections with people and now that you know what you want in life go for it. Many people don't. You want a family try to meet a woman you can be a partner two and grow a life for you and for her.

Merkin

I really thing you're cutting your nose off to spite face here.

The catalyst in all of this was him not inviting you to a BBQ and if he hurt our feelings then you should say it to him rather than just cutting him out if your life without explanation. It sounds like he has a wide circle of friends and he probably didn't even think to invite you whereas because you are dependent on him totally as a social outlet you are expecting the same in return.

As for not contacting you, he merely sounds a bit flaky, some people are, and while you should say it to him, it's probably just an annoying trait he has and you should day that too.

Finally, this expectation that friends come before a partner. I'm all for really nurturing important friendships but it is also inevitable if in a serious relationship that most of your time is spent with them. Just because you would put this guy ahead of a 2-year relationship, you can't possibly expect that from other people.

You are coming across as quite demanding and intolerant and while I can empathise with how the non invite stung a bit, I would just say it rather than sitting stewing in your own juices and in the process rendering yourself friendless.

Queen-Mise

Relax OP - and let the counselling do its work.

I'd agree with you on what you did with your friend. Although could you say it straight to his face why you are annoyed and see if that makes a change to the dynamic in the relationship.

Don't get too ahead of yourself at the moment and worrying about 10/15 years down the road. Get your own head right, and trust your own intuition etc., and then you can be a better friend/partner etc. etc.

LegacyUser

Lou.m wrote: »

OP you will connect with people. It sounds like you are looking not just for friends but to make roots and a family and you need that anchor in order to be fulfilled enough to have friends without placing too much need on that friendship.

Keep trying to establish connections with people and now that you know what you want in life go for it. Many people don't. You want a family try to meet a woman you can be a partner two and grow a life for you and for her.

Nail on the head, thats it exactly. I think not having the family thing leaves me needing a bit more from friendships than somebody who does have that anchor in their life. Trust me Im conscious of that all the time. But having said that I make sure that Im being fair with people and what they expect from me and what I expect from them and Im at a stage where I can recognise when Im being treated fairly and when Im not.
I dunno, maybe the kind of friendship Im looking for doesnt exist and people will drop their lifelong friends in favour of their latest girlfriend/boyfriend and maybe thats what most people do and come to expect. I just know thats not me and loyalty and having your friends back are things that are really important to me and Im not gonna compromise those standards just because a lot of other people dont see things the same way.
Just in relation to another comment, no this guy doesnt have a big circle of friends, in fact I'd have a bigger circle myself. He lucked out with this girl(who I really like and get along with so well). She has this amazingly close family and they literally adopted my friend. Anything he ever does, any activity.........weddings, birthdays, parties, bbqs, they all centre around that family, and friends of that family. If she broke up with him he would be screwed, he'd have me and thats it and I know if she broke up with him I'd be the best thing since sliced bread, he'd be calling me and wanting to hang out all the time. And that to me isnt cool, its using somebody and maybe others think this is ok but for me I would never do that to anybody, I'd be there friend if I was in a relationship or out of one.

December2012

Are you jealous of what he has?

Merkin

I think you have unrealistic expectations. Genuinely. I fully advocate maintaining and nourishing important friendships, regardless of whether you're involved with someone or not. Friends are so important and they are there through thick and thin. Friendships do evolve as people partner up however and that's just the nature of things.

You however, seem to be treating it like it's some kind of competition and seem most put out that a friend wouldn't put you first and foremost before a girlfriend. Your friend is in his mid 30's and to all intents and purposes, sounds like he is quite serious about his girlfriend. What if they get engaged? Are you still expecting him to put you before his fiancée? And what about when they get married? Are we looking at a You, Me and Dupree situation? I think has been pointed out, because your own life is quite empty you then project unreal expectation on to your most important interpersonal relationships. May I ask why you have no family?

deise08

Op I think you're getting a hard time on here. I was reading your post there and to all intents I could've been reading about me. A friendship shouldn't be one way. I had a group of friends/ colleagues,who I still work with, but looking back, I was still prob on the outside with them. it was always me doing the ringing, asking, weren't available when I suggested doing things. Then hearing them talking about all being out. Hell they even all met up to I'm to the cinema on my birthday. But yet whenever they had a problem, any of them, it was me they'd come to. needed help, ya sure come to me.
The final straw for me was two fighting over the same fella, both coming to me, and now they're best buds again.
I decided to cut them out after that and class them as colleagues now.
It's not healthy/ nice for you when you feel left out when you've done so much. But I can tell you its much better for yourself to be seperate than joined in a one way friendship. I'd rather be alone than be used.

he'll miss you before you'll miss him.
op. I think you made the right decision but what I will say is- if he does want to meet, do it on your terms. if he asks to do stuff, do it if you really want to,but only if it suits you. think of yourself.
Sorry for the long post.

Ande1975

I agree with Deise08 the OP is getting a hard time here.

OP, I am the same as you and Deise08 you sound exactly like me.
Cultivating and maintaining friendships takes a lot of effort and it gets more difficult as we get older. Human nature is a funny thing and people never cease to shock me
I've learned as I've gotten older to not measure people by my own standards. What I mean by that is, if I believe in loyalty etc I can't expect the same from my friends. I too was the person who maintained a healthy balance of time spent with friends and partners. Hell, I even cancelled a few nights with my partner to comfort a friend who had broken up with someone. She was in bits and I was there for her.
However, she let me down on numerous occasions after that when she met someone new. I moved on and a few years later, she was knocking on my door again when the latest squeeze left her.
Its easy to call the OP demanding and unrealistic but I challenge anyone to doubt the kick in the stomach you feel when you are lonely and then seeing your friends getting together on Facebook.

OP, you have a lot going for you and it will happen for you. I am the same, I would love to have a family but I am very happy where I am right now also. Getting married and having kids doesn't solve problems. Your married friends may project happiness but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Good luck

stickybookmark

Hi OP, the only thing I would add to the previous comments is that I really do think you should give internet dating a try. If you're confident about your looks as you said, that sets you up pretty well to meet someone on there I would say! I'd go for the sites that you pay for though, I've seen friends that have been successful with internet dating (hell, everyone's doing it these days!) and those that haven't and it seems that those that use the sites you pay for have a higher rate of success, I think coz it attracts the more serious punter as opposed to people that are just dabbling in it/trying it for the craic/looking for casual encounters. If you don't have opportunities to meet girls through your work, your hobbies or your social circle then I really would think you should give it a go.

From what you've said about what kind of friend this guy is (sounds like he's a very old friend and one of your best friends) I think it is kind of lousy that he didn't invite you to the BBQ if he invited other friends (not just his girlfriend's friends), yeah that's a kick in the teeth. It's usually better to get your message that you're pissed off across by replying and saying you're busy than not reply at all though. Not replying at all comes across as childish.

LegacyUser

Ah no its cool, I knew I'd get a hard time, I knew there'd be some people who'd think I was being demanding and expecting too much from friendship and some who'd think I was completely right. Thats life and I suppose its this problem in a nutshell. Maybe it just boils down to perceptions of what constitutes friendship.
I do agree that when it comes to close relationships, my life is quite empty. Its not easy to admit that and its something Im trying to change but its not such and easy thing to do. Somebody asked why I have no family...........thats a story in itself. I'll try to keep it brief. I was born into a family, 5 kids, mother and father but from the word go it was dysfunctional. Parents fought constantly, father beat up mother, mother beats up the kids, kids beat each other up. Eventually parents get divorced, kids leave home and for a while there was some sort of peace. But then theres sexual abuse accusations(which I feel where true) aimed at my father and that was it, everything imploded and everybody went their separate ways. That was 7 years ago but to be honest even had their been no sexual abuse allegations it would be the same situation as we were never a family, just a group of people who lived under the same roof for a few years. There was never any closeness or love or nurturing or anything I've seen in other families. I know every family fights and has their issues but what I experienced was on a different level.
Im not jealous of this friend, Im actually happy he has somebody, his girlfriend is great and her family are great too. I dont see it as a competition either. I do get that because of my own background and history that maybe I need more than from friendships than what some people think is the norm. But it is what it is, and I can either try to fit a square peg into a round hole and try to make myself ok with the current situation or I can see if I can find what Im looking for and not allow myself to be treated in ways im not comfortable or happy with.

December2012

That's not your only options. You could try and sort out what makes you feel this way and deal with it so that your future actions and feelings are different.

deise08

Op I'm sorry you felt that you had to explain your family situation. Also I'm sorry for your family situation. Like you said everybody has different expectations of friendships, but what it comes down to is... would they do that to me? And I wish everybody would think that when deciding something. i.e. I'm going to cinema but don't I invite x. would they do that to me? I hope that makes sense.
You have your standards of what you expect and that's your right.
Treat others as you would like them to treat you. that's what they should be thinking! because I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot they'd be quick enough to pull you up on your short comings.
I've distanced myself as I said from that crowd and to be honeste, I feel much happier for it. Although I'm more alone, I actually don't feel alone, now have limited myself to one friend. that in itself has its short comings but that's for another day.
Op, you seem like an alright fella :-) don't let yourself be brought down a happy mind is a healthy mind

LegacyUser

Op_here wrote: »

... I can either try to fit a square peg into a round hole and try to make myself ok with the current situation or I can see if I can find what Im looking for and not allow myself to be treated in ways im not comfortable or happy with.

To be brutally honest, I think you will be searching a long long time for what you are looking for, and will invariably be hugely disappointed along the way. I just don't think it is realistic, or fair (people have all sorts going on in their lives, which they may not have made you aware of).

I can understand why you might find it hard to get to know people well, and why it is very important to you that they don't leave you high-and-dry, but I honestly think that the way you are going about it will just push people away from you, and leave you more isolated. It's like you expect a huge commitment from your friends, and get really annoyed with them if they deviate at all from your expectations.

It sounds like your frustration bursts out when you've had too much to drink, and that your friend has been very tolerant of this (so far). It might be worth getting some help to understand why you demand so much from your friends, why you get so frustrated and say things you shouldn't, and what you can do about this to make your own life more positive and happier.

Wishing you all the best OP.

LegacyUser

fghmoot wrote: »

To be brutally honest, I think you will be searching a long long time for what you are looking for, and will invariably be hugely disappointed along the way. I just don't think it is realistic, or fair (people have all sorts going on in their lives, which they may not have made you aware of).

I can understand why you might find it hard to get to know people well, and why it is very important to you that they don't leave you high-and-dry, but I honestly think that the way you are going about it will just push people away from you, and leave you more isolated. It's like you expect a huge commitment from your friends, and get really annoyed with them if they deviate at all from your expectations.

It sounds like your frustration bursts out when you've had too much to drink, and that your friend has been very tolerant of this (so far). It might be worth getting some help to understand why you demand so much from your friends, why you get so frustrated and say things you shouldn't, and what you can do about this to make your own life more positive and happier.

Wishing you all the best OP.

Ah to be fair you're jumping to conclusions. I dont even drink, ever!!! I gave it up years ago because I played sport at a fairly decent level. Plus Im not the type of person who goes off half cocked and starts ranting and raving at people. Im a pretty calm person and I try to look at things from the point of view of others and no matter what way I look at this I can honestly say I've been a good friend to this guy and it just hasnt been reciprocated.
Look I know he's not consciously devious or manipulative, most people arent. He just genuinely cant see past himself. He has his girlfriend and her family and so in his view he's sorted and it doesnt occur to him to include anybody else in what he's doing. Like I said though, if the girlfriend broke up with him then he'd be calling me and looking to hang out all the time. And even then, if I played along and was the good friend again, as soon as he met somebody else he'd do the same thing and repeat the same pattern and would never see anything wrong with that. And maybe some people wouldnt see anything wrong with that, but its just not the way I live my life.

LegacyUser

deise08 wrote: »

Op I'm sorry you felt that you had to explain your family situation. Also I'm sorry for your family situation. Like you said everybody has different expectations of friendships, but what it comes down to is... would they do that to me? And I wish everybody would think that when deciding something. i.e. I'm going to cinema but don't I invite x. would they do that to me? I hope that makes sense.
You have your standards of what you expect and that's your right.
Treat others as you would like them to treat you. that's what they should be thinking! because I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot they'd be quick enough to pull you up on your short comings.
I've distanced myself as I said from that crowd and to be honeste, I feel much happier for it. Although I'm more alone, I actually don't feel alone, now have limited myself to one friend. that in itself has its short comings but that's for another day.
Op, you seem like an alright fella :-) don't let yourself be brought down a happy mind is a healthy mind

Thanks its good to know that theres other people who feel the same way. I read a quote the other day and I cant stop thinking about how true it is:
The person whos at peace with themselves is at peace with the universe and everything in it.........so I dont think its about trying to get people to like you, maybe its just all about liking yourself and everything will follow from that.

LegacyUser

Op_here wrote: »

Ah to be fair you're jumping to conclusions. I dont even drink, ever!!! I gave it up years ago because I played sport at a fairly decent level. Plus Im not the type of person who goes off half cocked and starts ranting and raving at people. Im a pretty calm person and I try to look at things from the point of view of others and no matter what way I look at this I can honestly say I've been a good friend to this guy and it just hasnt been reciprocated.
Look I know he's not consciously devious or manipulative, most people arent. He just genuinely cant see past himself. He has his girlfriend and her family and so in his view he's sorted and it doesnt occur to him to include anybody else in what he's doing. Like I said though, if the girlfriend broke up with him then he'd be calling me and looking to hang out all the time. And even then, if I played along and was the good friend again, as soon as he met somebody else he'd do the same thing and repeat the same pattern and would never see anything wrong with that. And maybe some people wouldnt see anything wrong with that, but its just not the way I live my life.

I'm really sorry - I mixed up the stuff about drinking with another similar thread that was in my head. My apologies - I wasn't jumping to conclusions, just confused you with someone else!

I think I need to read both threads again before I say anything else.

LegacyUser

Fghmoot wrote: »

I'm really sorry - I mixed up the stuff about drinking with another similar thread that was in my head. My apologies - I wasn't jumping to conclusions, just confused you with someone else!

I think I need to read both threads again before I say anything else.

No worries, I did the exact same thing myself. Logged onto that thread and was about to post when I realized I was in the wrong place