Brother's confidence issues

LegacyUser

My little brother is 20 years old. He's very good looking and seems to have everything going for him. He has no confidence in himself though. He just finished a fetac course and has no intention of continuing education. So he should try to get a job now, right?
Any job he's had in the past has landed in his lap, he never had to try before. He refuses to try this time. He worked in a supermarket before for a few months and he felt he was a bit mistreated by his boss but he still seemed to enjoy the work and got on with his co-workers. One day he came home crying and refused to go back. That was a year ago and he hasn't tried to get any work since. He has an opportunity to get an interview for a job in a small shop where my friend is the manager, but he won't even send in a CV. He says he only wants to work in a store room, not on a shop floor. Jobs are very hard to come by now but he just won't even give it a chance.
Another problem is his lack of friends. He spends all of his time playing video games with our cousin, who is a few years older than him, is unemployed, never had a job and rarely leaves the house. He won't get involved in any team sports, despite loving soccer and playing informally most days. He hasn't had a girlfriend in ages either.
He gets quite angry whenever I try to talk to him about maybe getting a job or doing something with his life. I'm really worried that he's going to get stuck in a rut and will end up wasting his life.
Does anyone have any idea what, if anything, might be wrong with him? Should I just leave him alone?

Merkin

Could he possibly be depressed or have anxiety? The general apathy, the reluctance to socialize, the inability to cope in a work setting all point towards all not being well so for that reason I'd urge him to go and maybe talk to a GP.

thefeatheredcat

bigsister1 wrote: »

One day he came home crying and refused to go back. That was a year ago and he hasn't tried to get any work since

Has he ever talked about what happened that day that he was upset and refused to go back? It might be possible that whatever happened might cause him to avoid social activities or working in a public facing role.

Was he enjoying doing the fetac course? Maybe he is at the stage where he doesn't know what is next for him, other than ruling out further education, or worried about getting mistreated in other jobs? There could be a lot going on in his mind and that he might need to work on a few things and confront something, I'm guessing, possibly whatever was related to a year ago when he refused to go back to work.

alleystar

bigsister1 wrote: »

He spends all of his time playing video games.

He gets quite angry whenever I try to talk to him about maybe getting a job or doing something with his life.

I'm really worried that he's going to get stuck in a rut and will end up wasting his life.

Does anyone have any idea what, if anything, might be wrong with him? Should I just leave him alone?

I know you're concerned but I would quit badgering him about the job. I'm not being rude, just saying it how I see it. I'm sure he's well aware of his situation and having a sibling or parent on top of your back sometimes makes everything worse (loads on the pressure and feelings of being a failure/ disappointment). I know you're only worried about him but as you said yourself he gets angry when you bring it up so is probably worried about it himself.

If I was you I would just be there for him. You can't push an adult to do something they don't want to, even getting him to go to a GP would be difficult I'm sure. If you live away from home you could offer him to come stay with you for a week here or there? Get him out of his comfort zone, introduce him to actual living again, rather than escaping by playing video games all day. Even take him to a soccer match or something that he enjoys. He's probably only putting in the time at the moment and not really enjoying life. It happens, just don't pester him. He might even feel comfortable enough to confide in you at some point, then you can point him in the right direction.

R.D. aka MR.D

I know that depression/anxiety might be the cause but it might also be worth considering he is lazy.

Is he the baby of the family by any chance? The fact that you are posting on here looking for advice about this situation means that you care a lot about him but is it possible that in the past he has been babied?
How can a 20 year old afford to not work these days? I thought the dole was badly cut for young people now.

When I was 19, I worked in Dunnes and would come home crying every evening because the manager would shame me in front of customers so i understand if he didn't like working in that kind of situation but i kept at it until i found another job because i needed the money. Not all retail jobs are horrible. They aren't pleasant but they do help you to grow up a bit when dealing with other people.

LegacyUser

Could he possibly be depressed or have anxiety? The general apathy, the reluctance to socialize, the inability to cope in a work setting all point towards all not being well so for that reason I'd urge him to go and maybe talk to a GP.

This thought has occurred to me, yeah, but how do I do that?

Has he ever talked about what happened that day that he was upset and refused to go back? It might be possible that whatever happened might cause him to avoid social activities or working in a public facing role.

Was he enjoying doing the fetac course? Maybe he is at the stage where he doesn't know what is next for him, other than ruling out further education, or worried about getting mistreated in other jobs? There could be a lot going on in his mind and that he might need to work on a few things and confront something, I'm guessing, possibly whatever was related to a year ago when he refused to go back to work.

He said that he just had enough of the treatment the boss gave him and he wasn't going to do it anymore. He didn't mention anything at the time about not liking the customer facing aspect but now he refuses any kind of job that requires it.

He did like his fetac course, but he never seemed to put very much work into it and he was always missing deadlines so I'm sure all of that will affect his results. He had to do work experience as part of it and he worked in my workplace for the duration, despite not being interested in it because again, it was retail. My boss could see that he wasn't into the customer side of things and just had him deal with the deliveries and he did a good job there. Now, my boss has said that he would be willing to give him a contract but my brother doesn't seem to want it.

I know you're concerned but I would quit badgering him about the job. I'm not being rude, just saying it how I see it. I'm sure he's well aware of his situation and having a sibling or parent on top of your back sometimes makes everything worse (loads on the pressure and feelings of being a failure/ disappointment). I know you're only worried about him but as you said yourself he gets angry when you bring it up so is probably worried about it himself.

If I was you I would just be there for him. You can't push an adult to do something they don't want to, even getting him to go to a GP would be difficult I'm sure. If you live away from home you could offer him to come stay with you for a week here or there? Get him out of his comfort zone, introduce him to actual living again, rather than escaping by playing video games all day. Even take him to a soccer match or something that he enjoys. He's probably only putting in the time at the moment and not really enjoying life. It happens, just don't pester him. He might even feel comfortable enough to confide in you at some point, then you can point him in the right direction.

It's very hard to just leave it alone though. I know I should but he has so much potential.
I, unfortunately, live at home too because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Moved out for a bit but, despite working all the hours I can whilst being in college, there just isn't enough money. Anyways, I hope he does work it out himself, I just don't know how he will if he never takes his mind out of the games.

I know that depression/anxiety might be the cause but it might also be worth considering he is lazy.

Is he the baby of the family by any chance? The fact that you are posting on here looking for advice about this situation means that you care a lot about him but is it possible that in the past he has been babied?
How can a 20 year old afford to not work these days? I thought the dole was badly cut for young people now.

When I was 19, I worked in Dunnes and would come home crying every evening because the manager would shame me in front of customers so i understand if he didn't like working in that kind of situation but i kept at it until i found another job because i needed the money. Not all retail jobs are horrible. They aren't pleasant but they do help you to grow up a bit when dealing with other people.

Yes he is the baby and he was always spoiled rotten by our parents, I guess because they had more money when he was a kid than when I was. I do think that has ruined him, he always had everything handed to him on a plate. Even now, his dole is like €40 a week so mam and dad supplement it if he wants to go out. They never did that for me!

I've worked in retail for years so I know it's **** sometimes but you have to take the good with the bad. He won't listen to me when I try to tell him that though.

So anyways, my parents are always at me to try to help him get a job but it's all well and good having me do up his CV and look for jobs for him but he won't answer his phone if a call comes so what's the point? I just don't think he has the incentive to get a job when he knows they'll mind him if he doesn't have money, but they still get at me to get him a job.

Anyway, I'm going to stop whining now. Thanks for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Kind of helps to put some of it in perspective.

Azwaldo55

bigsister1 wrote: »

My little brother is 20 years old. He's very good looking and seems to have everything going for him. He has no confidence in himself though. He just finished a fetac course and has no intention of continuing education. So he should try to get a job now, right?
Any job he's had in the past has landed in his lap, he never had to try before. He refuses to try this time. He worked in a supermarket before for a few months and he felt he was a bit mistreated by his boss but he still seemed to enjoy the work and got on with his co-workers. One day he came home crying and refused to go back. That was a year ago and he hasn't tried to get any work since. He has an opportunity to get an interview for a job in a small shop where my friend is the manager, but he won't even send in a CV. He says he only wants to work in a store room, not on a shop floor. Jobs are very hard to come by now but he just won't even give it a chance.
Another problem is his lack of friends. He spends all of his time playing video games with our cousin, who is a few years older than him, is unemployed, never had a job and rarely leaves the house. He won't get involved in any team sports, despite loving soccer and playing informally most days. He hasn't had a girlfriend in ages either.
He gets quite angry whenever I try to talk to him about maybe getting a job or doing something with his life. I'm really worried that he's going to get stuck in a rut and will end up wasting his life.
Does anyone have any idea what, if anything, might be wrong with him? Should I just leave him alone?

He is a lazy sod and he needs to grow the hell up.
That's his look out.
He is twenty years old and it's up to him to sort his life out.
So he wants to waste his life?
Fine.
He should be kicked out of the house, told to stand on his own two feet and given a dose of reality for a change
Same for his equally useless cousin.

RossFixxxed

Azwaldo55 wrote: »

He is a lazy sod and he needs to grow the hell up.
That's his look out.
He is twenty years old and it's up to him to sort his life out.
So he wants to waste his life?
Fine.
He should be kicked out of the house, told to stand on his own two feet and given a dose of reality for a change
Same for his equally useless cousin.

Unless he's:
Anxious
Depressed
Struggling with some issue we don't know about
Socially anxious
and so on and so on

I'd rule out health issues before blasting the guy with the righteous indignation brush myself.

Actually IF he did have any mental health issues, a reaction like your post would be detrimental and very damaging to his state of mind. Maybe he can't just 'snap out of it' like you can. All of us end up broken at some point and on our knees, support and kindness make all the difference. I think taking your approach first is a stupid, dangerous idea.