Enough

LegacyUser

I'm not coping so well. I thought typing it out here might help alleviate it somehow, I don't know.
I've just eaten dinner in my room on my own again but this time with tears streaming down my face feeling that I've really had enough.
I am so lonely and fed up.
I'm supposed to be studying for important exams but just can't concentrate. At this point the list is endless.
I moved into a house share a few months ago which I had a good feeling about at the time but it has turned out a disaster. The house is dominated by a couple (who don't own it) and they do whatever they please without consulting me at all. I may as well be knocking on the door each month handing them money to help with their rent and bills as I don't get to use any facilities apart from my bedroom. When I did try it was made clear I wasn't welcome and was interfering with their cosy evenings so I was made to feel uncomfortable enough to just go to my room each evening. This sometimes suited fine as I needed to do college work after my days work anyway. A few weeks ago they brought a dog into the house who barked every night under my room and kept me awake for a full week. As I am the only one at that side of the house it didn't bother them.

The other thing that's really gotten me down is I feel I have absolutely nobody to confide or talk to. I have gone to counselling since my parents died last year but that's technically handing somebody money to talk to them. I'm not talking about moaning etc the whole time. I'm just talking about getting a phone call and hearing somebody say 'Hi, how are you?. How are you doing'. I seem to be the one who always has to do it.
My siblings don't contact me at all. A few weeks ago we were all in the same room due to a relative's funeral and they completely snubbed me and stood in a group speaking to each other. Granted there were only two of them there who are close anyway but it still hurt. I know I could have walked up and taken the initiative but it goes a bit deeper than that. When they were in contact over the past year it was to berate me over something or complain about something. One of my brother's hasn't acknowleged my birthday or xmas to me the past two years despite me sending his family gifts at xmas and wishing him a happy birthday. This year he deliberately texted me about something else the day before my birthday (out of the blue) and then completely ignored my birthday.

I know I should probably be tougher and able to take it all on the chin etc but it really hurts. It makes me question myself so much why people feel they can treat me like utter crap and get away with it. And why I'm always the one who finds myself out in the cold. I'm exhausted from it, I can't study and I feel I just can't go on. I'm not in a position to leave the house before my exams. I've been looking at prices out there for a place on my own and they're sky high. I feel so hopeless this evening.

Lou.m

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling OP.

You are a strong person don't think feeling this way makes you less strong.

I think you need to reach out and ask for help.

Is there a student Councillor where you are studying?

If you feel moving to a warmer environment would help then do it. It may take time to find the right place but you will.

Your siblings should be offering more. Perhaps you could go to counseling with them for your relationship.

LegacyUser

Lou, I am not a full-time student so wouldn't qualify for student counselling.

I already see a counsellor myself that I pay for.

I'm just so tired of everything and don't see anything improving. No matter how much I strive to improve things for myself somebody else interferes in my life in some way that's out of my control but upsets me greatly. This sets me back so much and I'm constantly one step forward, 2 steps back.

Boombastic

the landlord I doubt would be too happy about a dog. i'd give him a call to sort that out.


exams and pressure can take it's toll, you siblings have treated you badly. Life can seem bleak but it can change in a instance. a week's you'll be on holidays and you're routine will change.

Chat with someone, take up mediating or tai chi out something to keep your mind from dwelling on it for a while,

Sorry I don't have more advice, look after yourself

LegacyUser

Boombastic wrote: »

the landlord I doubt would be too happy about a dog. i'd give him a call to sort that out.


exams and pressure can take it's toll, you siblings have treated you badly. Life can seem bleak but it can change in a instance. a week's you'll be on holidays and you're routine will change.

Chat with someone, take up mediating or tai chi out something to keep your mind from dwelling on it for a while,

Sorry I don't have more advice, look after yourself

I don't know who the landlord is as they appear to be sub-letting. Anytime I've asked for his details they said they'll sort whatever it is and clearly don't want me having the landlord/letting agencies details. I have recently found out who the letting agency is but can't do anything again before my exams in case I also end up out on the street.

Time Now Please

Just getting back to your family, was there a falling our between you and your siblings??

Daisy78

Op I felt so sad for you reading your post.

Firstly I offer my condolences to you on the loss of your parents. I cant imagine how you are coping with that bereavement and studying for exams at the same time. I also can empathise with the difficulties you are having with your house share. Ive had more unhappy experiences with unpleasant flat mates through the years than I care to remember. That pair sound like they are have no qualms exploiting you and I think to be honest you would be better off looking elsewhere.

Is it possible to postpone your exams for a year to give yourself a bit of breathing space, firstly to come to terms with your bereavement but also to give you time to find your own place? You could look at leasing a two bed flat and advertise for a second person to share. That way if your name was on the lease you would have some control over who gets to move in with you (and give them their marching orders if it doesn't work out). You would at least have some comfort and security over your living arrangements.

Re your siblings. ..I think you need to have a chat with them about how your feeling. Not in an adversarial way just to let them know how you are feeling. They might be a bit oblivious as to the loneliness you are going through, particularly if they have families themselves. I understand how frustrating counselling can be especially when you're handing over huge money every week and feel like you're getting nowhere. But it might be worthwhile sticking with it for now as the long term benefits from attending a counsellor might be more fruitful than any immediate impact.

Finally just take time to be kind to yourself. ..go for walks, go to a spa and treat yourself for the day, book a little holiday for after your exams if you decide to go ahead with them. ..self care is very important for you right now.

Anyway I hope in time some of the bad stuff you're going through will come right again. It doesn't have to stay this way forever. ...you have more choices than you realise.

LegacyUser

Time Now Please wrote: »

Just getting back to your family, was there a falling our between you and your siblings??

I had to put distance there as anytime there was contact I was getting abuse from them. I can't go into too much. Anytime I tried to get involved or help after my parent's deaths, I ended up on the receiving end of abusive phone calls, texts or emails. I was accused quite viciously of not replying to emails when I had evidence I had. I kept giving them chances and it kept ending up with me being on the receiving end of their anger. I had one week holiday last year due to exams, work committments etc. Each of them and their families spent weeks in the family home over the summer. I took 1 week there early autumn and told them I would be there out of courtesy. I hadn't heard from either in 6 weeks yet that week they barraged me with phone calls and one arrived in the front door during my stay. I was going through belongings as had been agreed and he went ape. I was accused of giving items away etc.

R.D. aka MR.D

Is the counselor that you are seeing giving you help for your confidence?

I can't imagine how difficult losing your parents must be but from reading your post it seems like you are letting people treat you badly.

What steps have you taken to sort things out with your flatmates? Have you complained about the dog? You said they told you to leave the communal areas, did you tell them that they were being ridiculous and you were paying rent to?

Sometimes in families there is one person that people see as being aloof and sometimes this can be seen as if they don't like the other members of their family. This happened to me, i've had to do a lot of work to show my family members that i'm interested in them and whatever view they have of me because of my actions as a teenager is now wrong.

Everyday is a new day that you can wake up and decide to be more assertive and change and improve your life.

LegacyUser

Yes, we are certainly working on confidence issues. And I know it's where I'm lacking big time. I did complain about the dog and it got sorted. I haven't complained about the communal area thing because that's debatable. ie. The dog was physically there, the other they could say is all in my mind. It's not and I could try to bold it out but can't be bothered. Why waste energy on rude people?

Boombastic

Toosal wrote: »

I don't know who the landlord is as they appear to be sub-letting. Anytime I've asked for his details they said they'll sort whatever it is and clearly don't want me having the landlord/letting agencies details. I have recently found out who the letting agency is but can't do anything again before my exams in case I also end up out on the street.

as a tenant you have rights. are you subletting from them? who do you pay Rent to? you do realise the landlord will take money from your deposit if any damage is done? also you are entitled to have the landlord details - they should be on your lease, failing that a quick call to the ptrb would get you this information

December2012

Hi,

I lost one parent a year ago and it's horrible. My family life is good apart from that and I still have my other parent. And im still devastated - bereavement is horrible and losing a parent is so unsettling. Losing two I can only imagine is so much worse.

I'm saying this to you to empathise and let you know that there are people there who may be going through what you are.

Is there a bereavement support group near you? I think there is one in Soyth Anne Street in Dublin 2 and there's one in my local church so there might be something around. A local undertaker might be able to give you that information.

Try up take confidence where you can.

Right now you're lonely, but keep thinking to yourself that you are in recovery mode. You will move after your exams, and you will feel better as your counselling progresses. When you feel stronger you can look for fun activities or clubs to join. Meet up.com is good too.

JuliusCaesar

Toosal wrote: »

Yes, we are certainly working on confidence issues. And I know it's where I'm lacking big time. I did complain about the dog and it got sorted. I haven't complained about the communal area thing because that's debatable. ie. The dog was physically there, the other they could say is all in my mind. It's not and I could try to bold it out but can't be bothered. Why waste energy on rude people?

It is worthwhile to expend the energy on rude people as they will otherwise continue to be rude and inconsiderate, and even get worse over time. Sometimes you just have to confront them to make them stop. Let them know they can't walk over you.

It's difficult to do, but can lead to huge improvements in your living conditions. If you can do it, maybe with advice from your counsellor, then it also improves your self-confidence. There is lots of information about assertiveness out there.



Aware offer free support groups, but you might find that getting yourself out to make friends is an excellent way to protect yourself against future adversities. MeetUp.com and other organisations are great for meeting people with similar interests, whatever your interests are.

Rubberchikken

You are, without meaning to, allowing people to trample over you.
By law, you are entitled to all info on your rental agreement. Do you plan to remain there after tour exams?
These people sound like pains and bullies, but the worst thing they can do is make u uncomfortable. But you can stop that by not letting them get to you.
They arent worth it.

You siblings sound mean but again, not something u can cintrol.
How you deal with them is what you control.
Dont let their behaviour, which seems infantile, get to u.

Rise above them all. Be pleasant and firm. Dont let them walk over u.

U sound like a good person who is hurting at the moment.
Good luck in your exams.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
You sound very unhappy on multiple fronts, here's my summary of the situation
1. You feel the house share is weighed against you and you're being marginalized and forced to your room
2. You feel decisions are being made without you, such as a dog joining the house share arrangement
3. You feel your siblings are snubbing you and don't contact you
4. You feel that when your siblings did/do contact you that it's to berate or complain to you
5. You feel one particular sibling deliberately ignored your birthday
6. You feel that people tend to interfere in your life and do things to upset you
7. You had to put distance between you and family as anytime there was contact you were getting abuse from them

looking at the above issues, you need to look at attending proper bereavement counselling. In relation to issues 1 and 2, it appears you finally addressed issue 2 by just talking with the people you house share with, would you not rent a good movie or something and invite the two housemates to join you in the communal area to address issue 1.

Issues 3 to 7 are all very contradictory. Issue 3 about you being snubbed contradicts issue 5 about your birthday being ignored because reading between the lines it appears the other sibling has been in contact wishing you a happy birthday (otherwise you would have complained about both).....but then there's issue 7, why would you want a birthday wish if you're the one who is putting distance between you and family because you're sick of abuse from them......you appear to want it both ways, to put a distance between you and them but still want them to wish you happy birthday. It was also within your power to talk to them at the recent event and yet you didn't, and you also say you've been accused by them in the past of not communicating....you have evidence that you did communicate...and yet issue 7 contradicts this where you have admitted you've put distance between you and them. It really sounds as if you are all over the place as to whether you wish to have your siblings in your life or not. I'm not pointing the finger here OP but is there perhaps a small chance you may have confused them and frightened them off?

....and then there's this

"I had one week holiday last year due to exams, work committments etc. Each of them and their families spent weeks in the family home over the summer. I took 1 week there early autumn and told them I would be there out of courtesy. I hadn't heard from either in 6 weeks yet that week they barraged me with phone calls and one arrived in the front door during my stay. I was going through belongings as had been agreed and he went ape. I was accused of giving items away etc."


It appears that perhaps you and your siblings have not handled the situation very well. I'm assuming your siblings are suffering the same grief you are going through and thus you will all feel the loneliness of losing what's essentially the fabric of your family. But it also appears that all three of you are willing to put the final nail in the coffin of your relationships by falling out over access to a house and the contents of this house. The family solicitor should have advised you on your family home, whoever inherited the home is the owner so if that's you then you don't have to allow them to use it as a holiday home, if all 3 of you have inherited it then you need the executor of the will (possibly you by the sound of things) to set firm access rules or simply change the locks and keep everyone away until the property is sold or until some joint access is agreed.....but it sounds like you are all too raw to agree on anything, let alone talk.

I agree with a previous poster, you need to get together with your siblings and jointly see a counsellor to deal with the bereavement. Without appearing to sound harsh I actually have a lot of sympathy for your housemates because they are obviously sharing with someone who is in a terrible state (not meant as a disrespect OP). Considering you only suffered your loss last year the healing will take time and you should focus on healing with your siblings and them with you rather than all three of you losing each other as well as your parents.

I wish you luck OP, but many of the issues can be addressed by you getting the necessary help to accept that everyone is not plotting against you. Keep in mind that the feelings you have in relation to bereavement are short term, death is forever but the cloud does dissipate and the sun shines again.