Do we have another baby?

LegacyUser

or how do we decide what is right?

my husband and i have one daughter she is 5 years old, before we had her we were only just beginning to date each other and she wasn't planned,(needless to say this ruffled a few feathers with his parents where mine were delighted,) i never wanted children, my husband wanted 3, after she was born we got lucky in things worked out well between us as a couple, even when stressed and tired, so we agreed as it was a good stress test that we should get married so we did, we were both happy to keep our daughter as an only child my husband didn't enjoy the late bottle feeds...etc, at that time i was working he was in full time education so he did a lot of the baby night-time work to help me (not that there was much of that as she slept through the night after month 1), we had almost no money, in fact we struggled financially for the first three years of her life, and have spent the last two, recovering from that and saving for the future.


now we are married, in a good place financially (my husband got an excellent job after college and when i finish my course we'll be in an even better place if i go working), we currently rent a two bedroom apartment with a garden, in a lovely area. (its not an apartment block though)

we both talked recently as the topic of babies seems to be everywhere we go lately, and we both admitted we weren't sure if we wanted another child or not. i am not sure if we are just feeling broody and it will pass, or will we regret having/not having a child?

we did a pro and con list which turned up even enough for both sides, we then tried to ask our 5 year old but she insists heavily she doesn't want a brother or sister, or us to have another baby, like seriously insists, i know its cliched because every parent says this, but in our case it is true she is so clever she understood exactly what we were asking her, we do give her a lot of our time and as the only grandchild she's always around adults a lot so is very mature for her age and likes her peace and quiet.

and this is one of the many worries i have, would the next child possibly be a nightmare? as she was so well behaved, we never has a minutes hassle with her, could take her everywhere and do anything, the best complement we get about her is "you'd never think she is an only child, she shares and plays and is a very happy child" i'd worry too we'd hurt this.

my mom always said to only have the one, (she had three), my mother-in-law also recently said our current daughter is perfect why would we want another? when the topic was broached as we discussed babies,

i know people on the internet can't tell us what to do but i am hoping advice and experiences might help us decide one way or another,

im sorry for the long ramble, if you have any questions i will be back to answer them as i can.

Magicmatilda

It is not really clear from your post whther or not you actually want another child, do you? What is your gut telling you?

Merkin

Regardless of how intelligent and mature your five-year old child is, taking her at her word of being categorically opposed to having a sibling now (because her little nose would be out of joint most probably) isn't enough of a guide to prevent you from having another one. Only children always strike me as lonely and no matter how much attention and interaction they have, it's GREAT having siblings! I love my brothers very much and we've all grown into good friends too and I know they are there for me if the chips are ever down, same goes for them. I think if you are in a position to have another child you should, it would be a positive experience for all involved.

ElleEm

I don't know whether drawing up a pros/ cons list is an appropriate tool for deciding to have a baby, buying a new car, yes, but bringing a human life into the world? Not so much.

Children should come from a real emotional urge to want to love and teach and guide and care for them. It certainly sounds like your daughter has all of that, but to me it just sounds like there are too many doubts in your mind now about a second child. It really sounds like a second child would cause upheavel in what seems like a pretty comfortable and established household.

Chattastrophe!

Sorry to be blunt, but no matter how intelligent your daughter is, she is still a five-year-old child. This is a major life decision for yourself and your husband; don't put the burden of responsibility on her! Parents have additional children all the time; older siblings cope with it. She will, same as any other child of her age, if that's what you decide to do.

It's a tough decision but, in a way, I get the impression you're overthinking it? No point in listing pros and cons etc, you'll never get a black-and-white definitive answer.

LegacyUser

Magicmatilda wrote: »

It is not really clear from your post whther or not you actually want another child, do you? What is your gut telling you?

thats the thing i would have always trusted my gut before, but this time it swings to both yes and no,

my husband said he feels the exact same as i do, but he did add tha tif i wanted another child he'd go again which makes me think he does if you know what i mean. he is one to always tell me thing straight like he said when i first mentioned it, he did want another one, but a few hours later he didn't, and i am feeling the same to be honest,

as for our daughter, it wasn't like her nose was out of joint or anything and she is far from lonely, she is very independent though, and i guess i miss her baby years (which i figure is normal)

reasons we are against it, is what if its a passing feeling? this time 3 months ago i wouldn't have dreamt of going again, and i guess with the first time being unplanned i was so busy working for most of the pregnancy i never really got to enjoy it, we had so much stress from disapproving family members last time that won't be there if we go again,..so that is a plus. also i lived alone when pregnant the last time so i think maybe my husband wants to do it again to be there with me too experience it now he's older and wiser and after she was born was a whirlwind of us finding a place to live, dealing with a baby in our former apartment which was not suitable at all for a baby. in short a really stressful time,

i guess i missed the chance to enjoy my baby and now she's grown up, im wondering is that why i want to go again?

will i regret this when i am up at 3am next year? with work placement the next day?

another thing putting me off i am only half way through my college course, it is very hard, but i love it, i finally found something educational that interests me, and will give me a solid career i would probably have to take a year out if we do go again, or worse wait another two years to have a baby, nether of which i really want to do so its a kind of now or never type scenario hence we are discussing it. i do already regret not having another when our daughter was 2 (keeping the age gap smaller) so i don't want to leave it too late although i am only just 30.


another thing, i was just 6 when my brother was born and i hated him, like really hated him, he also had serious health issues which meant he took up a lot of our parents time and only as an adult did i realise how silly it was, but i would be afraid of similar happening to us,

but then the what if's start, what if we are lucky enough to have another perfect child, what if she was the way she was because of our parenting.

we would have to buy all the baby stuff again as we gave away or threw out all the stuff we had but again, we can afford to buy the stuff this time, even to buy stuff we want this time around, and that too is incentive because there was a lot with our daughter we didn't get to do, that we wanted to, that we could do this time. (i didn't even get a single photo of me with the bump) i know it sounds silly, but i regret that so much.

i am genuinely split down the middle of both sides as is my husband,as having a baby is not something in two years time we can say "it isn't working out send him/her back" and with so many family members saying don't.

i mean it is true we can afford to do more with one, things we want to do like disneyland florida....etc we can go see santa when its €20 because its just the one child, where if it was two or three you are looking at €60, we'd have a better life financially sure, and now she's 5 we have our freedom back again, something we missed, i really don't know what i want or how to figure it out.

my husband jokes saying maybe we should just get a puppy?

LegacyUser

Chattastrophe! wrote: »

Sorry to be blunt, but no matter how intelligent your daughter is, she is still a five-year-old child. This is a major life decision for yourself and your husband; don't put the burden of responsibility on her! Parents have additional children all the time; older siblings cope with it. She will, same as any other child of her age, if that's what you decide to do.

It's a tough decision but, in a way, I get the impression you're overthinking it? No point in listing pros and cons etc, you'll never get a black-and-white definitive answer.

it's ok to be blunt, blunt is good!

we weren't asking her to make the decision, although i can see how it sounded like that, it was more like we were seeing what her re-action would be if she was open to the idea, kind of thing.

she wasn't even a little bit interested, or even a little bit excited about it, it was a flat out, no.

i probably am over-thinking it, as it is a major decision and we just cannot make our minds up either way. i guess her being unplanned made it easier for us because we never had to make a decision and now we don't know what do we do?

username123

Merkin wrote: »

Only children always strike me as lonely and no matter how much attention and interaction they have, it's GREAT having siblings! I love my brothers very much and we've all grown into good friends too and I know they are there for me if the chips are ever down, same goes for them. I think if you are in a position to have another child you should, it would be a positive experience for all involved.

Just the other side of the coin, I hated having a sibling. He tortured me mentally and physically for my entire childhood and today as adults we are completely estranged, I dislike him as an individual and he would never be there for me if the chips were down. Id love to have been an only child!

Alf. A. Male

I must say, I find it bizarre that you'd give a 5 year old any say in a decision like this. I would say the first she should know is when you tell her the news that she has a brother or sister on the way. It brings to mind the home of a close friend who allows an 11 year old to have a veto on everything then justifies it as caring for them when it's anything but, they have no emotional framework for it and it has produced a dysfunctional family with a spoiled child who and two frustrated adults trying to pretend it's all ok.

curlzy

I don't have any kids so can't say much from that perspective. However, I was 5 and an only child when my parents asked me if I would like a sister or brother and I said yes, I would love LOVE LOVE a brother or sister. I had an illness when I was young and they said I would have to get some tests done to make sure that any siblings wouldn't have it. I said no problem at all and according to my mam didn't even cry when I was getting them done even though I HATED needles and being in hospital. I loved my little brother to death when he was born and same when my little sister, I adore them both. On the other hand my SIL asked her son when he was 5 if he wanted a sibling and got a resounding NO! However he loves his little sister to bits now and loves looking after her and being a big brother. My point being I suppose is that unless you are very unlucky or maybe not great at being fair and even in how you would raise your kids, then kids either love their siblines OR will learn to. I believe kids will more than likely have an opinion on having siblings either way, but that shouldn't be the deciding factor.

desbrook

Sorry OP but the fact that you thought it appropriate to seriously ask your five year old whether you should have another child or not makes it clear you shouldn't.

Chattastrophe!

username123 wrote: »

Just the other side of the coin, I hated having a sibling. He tortured me mentally and physically for my entire childhood and today as adults we are completely estranged, I dislike him as an individual and he would never be there for me if the chips were down. Id love to have been an only child!

And my sister and I (with a year between us) fought non-stop throughout our childhood and teenage years. And I mean proper physical fights. In fact myself and herself and other siblings ended up in A&E over the years over the injuries we inflicted on each other (serious stuff, I'm talking about a hurley across the head, leading to concussion and stitches! Various broken bones etc.)

And despite all that we all ended up best of friends as adults. I hated having siblings growing up, but now, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being part of a large family, I'm very close to some of my siblings, and I also enjoy the fact that there's so many of us in the family that it's OK too to go off the radar when it suits, if that makes sense! There is a lot of pressure and expectations on only children, or children from a small family.

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

I believe kids will more than likely have an opinion on having siblings either way, but that shouldn't be the deciding factor.

its not at all the deciding factor, if it was i wouldn't be posting here to be fair! we just asked her opinion to see if she did want any siblings as if she said "yes" it would have made it easier if we decided to go for it,

we don't usually refer decisions to our 5 year old, especially such big ones, but we thought just maybe asking her opinion on this would help us make our minds up, but it hasn't,


which makes me think nothing will ever help us which is why i came here for advice!

we are thinking of maybe leaving it off a month and see how we feel next month and going for it then if we still want to, but i guess i don't want to leave it much longer, and i am wondering why i am so on the fence on this, i usually know what i want and go get it.

but its such a life changing choice im not sure what is best, is it really that bad to stop after one? is 5 years too big an age gap?

i have so many worries....but i really would love another child i think!

CaraMay

Ok so you do want another child and your husband does want another child so go for it. I actually think it will be good for your daughter.

FreshKnickers

Wow, sounds like you've got a hundred and one things going through your head! The best thing to do might be to take the pressure off for a bit. You sound a bit like you're panicing, it's now or never almost, and I understand you have genuine concerns about not leaving it too long but at the moment you are definitely overthinking. Are you trying to talk yourself into having another baby or out of it?

If the two of you have only started thinking about this recently then I can see why you're worried that you might change your mind again which is why I suggest taking a break. Agree with your husband to discuss the issue again at a later date. I would say 6 months but even 3 months if you don't want to leave it for that long. But take the pressure off having to decide NOW, that just leads to panic. "(Daughter) doesn't need a sibling" "But we'd like another baby" "We'd be in a better financial position if we wait a bit" "But we don't want too big an age gap between siblings"

The discussion should be just between you and himself though, there's no harm in getting family's opinions but at the end of the day it's not them who will be raising the child.

jlm29

Op, you're only 30. Would you not be able to wait and finish your course, and then revisit this? I'd see why you'd want to have another baby immediately if you knew you really wanted one, but if you're undecided, why the pressure

LegacyUser

You have had a few less than easy years but your daughter is now 5. Your husband now has a good job. As a couple you are now just begging to get on your feet in that you have more money and are renting a nice place.

From what you have told us I would not have another baby because doing this will mean that you have to give up college for a year. When you go back to college you will have to cope with a small baby, a high work load or work placement along with your daughter.
If you wait till you finish in college you have be willing not to look for a job for a while and when you start to work the cost of childcare for 2 children will be high.
In effect you could be working to pay the creche.

Also once you finish in college you may be able to get a well paying job which could help you buy your own home and give you a good standard of living long term.

I don't think that you and your husband found the baby years easy due to various reasons and I don't think either of you want to go back to this stage again.
From what you have told us you seem to be more worried about what other people say when they know your daughter is an only child but they don't have the sleepless nights and are not paying the costs of bringing up two children.

desbrook

Sorry you have worries OP but don't share them with your five year old!
You seem to be hoping that just like "deadlock " on xfactor she'd come to the rescue. Thank God she said " no". I have a funny feeling that if she said yes and a few years down the line wasn't sharing her sweets you'd remind her this was the brother she wanted.
It isn't her business either way OP. If you can't decide whether it's a good idea how can a five year old???

LegacyUser

desbrook wrote: »

Sorry you have worries OP but don't share them with your five year old!
You seem to be hoping that just like "deadlock " on xfactor she'd come to the rescue. Thank God she said " no". I have a funny feeling that if she said yes and a few years down the line wasn't sharing her sweets you'd remind her this was the brother she wanted.
It isn't her business either way OP. If you can't decide whether it's a good idea how can a five year old???

just to clarify a few of your points as ii seem to be trying to point it out but a few people don't seem to get what i meant when i said we talked to her,

we did not share our worries with our 5 year old, we were not hoping she would come to the rescue, a few years down the line i would never say or do anything that would "remind her it was the brother she wanted",as you put it, i am not that kind of person nor that kind of parent,

we were NOT asking her to decide, merely looking for her opinion, which we got, and i felt it was relevant to add here in my op as some children may be begging mom and dad for siblings, i was simple pointing out when asked on how she felt about siblings she was not open to the idea, she was against it, so people weren't asking me if my daughter was asking for a sibling or maybe thinking she wanted them. i thought it would help the advice given to be more relevant,

but i seem to have made people think we're the kind of parents who let their child decide things, i can only assure you we are not. we do however when we can take her opinion into account as we do believe her opinion should be heard, again when relevant.

LegacyUser

jlm29 wrote: »

Op, you're only 30. Would you not be able to wait and finish your course, and then revisit this? I'd see why you'd want to have another baby immediately if you knew you really wanted one, but if you're undecided, why the pressure

our main reasons against waiting too long,

is, 1. we feel the age gap of 5 years is too big already,

and 2. even if i wait until i finish, i will find it harder to get work if i am pregnant, even with my qualification, if i take a year out then i will be behind my peers, if i do it now i will be finished having my family and it wont become an issue later.... .

also if i go now, i will also have access to the only creche/preschool in the area i trust but you also need to be a full time student or staff to avail of it, my daughter has thrived there its one of the reasons she's used to being around other children.

ash23

OP I think if you really wanted another child you'd know. I had a child young, unplanned and when she was about 3 or 4 I had such an overwhelming desire to have another. Nothing would have stopped me to be honest only that my partner was reluctant. We ended up breaking up over it.

Time went on and initially the broody feeling was still there but over time, as my daughter got older, it passed and now I'm fairly sure, almost 100% that I don't want anymore kids. My partner is on the same page as he also has a child from a previous relationship.

My daughter very much wanted a sibling when she was younger. But now that she's a bit older she doesn't. Definitely not. She loves her younger cousins and is great with kids but after a while they do her head in and she's content to get away from them. It can get lonely for her at times but having a sibling has pros and cons. I come from a large family myself and I can see both the advantages and disadvantages and personally, I don't think the disadvantages of her being an only child are reason enough to have a child that I don't want.

I think that if you're both in a place where you are only thinking about having another because it's what the "done thing" is, as opposed to really wanting another child, then it's not the time to be having one. But ultimately only you and your husband can make that choice.

LegacyUser

OP I am of the opinion that if you wanted another baby nothing would stop you and the ifs and buts wouldn't be there.

I had a baby (which I didn't really want but my husband was desperate to have) and although I love him I am looking forward to when he's over 1 and not such a needy moneypit.

Originally (as in years ago now) I did want a baby but we had so many problems trying to get pregnant and I had to endure a couple of operations and still no baby. Then after a few years when we decided no more trying for a baby a positive pregnancy test came along and hey presto I'm a reluctant mother.

I am having the same conversation with my husband now about whether or not we should add to the brood and if it was a resounding yes from both of us then I feel that we would be doing it but there's a no in me so no baby will be coming. The yes is to give my son a sibling and the no is so that I never ever have to endure maternity leave, breastfeeding, constant waking during the night etc. again, which I have hated and have been counting down every day to my return to work since I left to have him. If there's a no you owe it to yourself and your husband to say lets wait and see how you feel in 6 months or even a year and revisit until either there's a resounding yes from both of you or until there's the magic resounding no.

LegacyUser

You're panicking. 3 months ago you had no interest, now interest has hit and you're whirling around.

I get that, its a very consuming idea once it gets into your head. But I fear its not in your head enough - you're not thinking logically at all.

What you should be doing is waiting till after you've finished your course. Get a job and get maternity leave. Then try. You'll still only be 32 or 33. No problem.

If you're worrying about age gap between them, its not a very good reason. People adjust to all age gaps and grow up knowing no different. Even if you were to start trying now one would be doing the Leaving whilst the other was in 1st Yr; its not like they're ever gonna be remotely at the same stage of life till they're adults, so it becomes a bit academic really. Does 6/7 years difference make any less difference than 8/9? I very much doubt it.

But you seem to be thinking "now or never" which is nonsensical. You are young and have another option. And also, if you are afraid you are not broody enough, then letting it sit for a while will decide that one way or the other. Either the impulse will fade away or it will increase. Either way, you'll have a definate answer.

FurBabyMomma

You sound like you're panicking. Having access to certain childcare is not enough of a reason to rush to bring another life into the world. Take your time and if you do decide you're ready you'll know. And you'll find a way to make it work.

December2012

Truth is, even though you're already a parent, this is the first time you're doing any advanced planning about becoming a parent. So for you, this is the first time to make a conscious decision.

If I were you, I would try and not talk to your mother or mother in law about it, because it's really down to you and your husband. You're already confused about your own opinions, so taking other opinions on board may be too much to handle, and in fact add to the confusion.

So, work on your health and your relationship / career, etc.

If you want to do a "we'll see what happens" stance, them come off contraception and start taking folic acid, just in case.

Don't do any charting or ovulation prediction yet - see how you both feel after a few months. If you decide then to start trying to get pregnant you're in a good spot, if you decide to keep "waiting and seeing" you're in a good spot, and if you decide you don't want to have another child right now, you can go back to using barrier method contraception and just be in better health and a better career / finance position than now.

wispa9

dowegoagain? wrote: »

our main reasons against waiting too long,

is, 1. we feel the age gap of 5 years is too big already,

OP, I don't know much about having kids, but I can speak from personal experience with regards to the age gap!
My sister's ten years older than me, and my brother's 12 years older, and I love it! Despite the gap, I've always been really close to my sister. People said I was a mature child because I grew up around people older than me, just like your daughter is now, and I was looked after by all my siblings. My brother and sister, on the other hand, had only a few years between them and could barely be in the same room together until the were leaving their teens!
It can go either way, but small gaps definitely don't guarantee a peaceful household or close siblings.

LegacyUser

a big and seriously huge thank you to everyone who took the time to post i have been reading them and considering them and i appreciate all the different views, even if i am not posting back.

ash23 wrote: »

OP I think if you really wanted another child you'd know. I had a child young, unplanned and when she was about 3 or 4 I had such an overwhelming desire to have another. Nothing would have stopped me to be honest only that my partner was reluctant. We ended up breaking up over it.

Time went on and initially the broody feeling was still there but over time, as my daughter got older, it passed and now I'm fairly sure, almost 100% that I don't want anymore kids. My partner is on the same page as he also has a child from a previous relationship.

My daughter very much wanted a sibling when she was younger. But now that she's a bit older she doesn't. Definitely not. She loves her younger cousins and is great with kids but after a while they do her head in and she's content to get away from them. It can get lonely for her at times but having a sibling has pros and cons. I come from a large family myself and I can see both the advantages and disadvantages and personally, I don't think the disadvantages of her being an only child are reason enough to have a child that I don't want.

I think that if you're both in a place where you are only thinking about having another because it's what the "done thing" is, as opposed to really wanting another child, then it's not the time to be having one. But ultimately only you and your husband can make that choice.

honestly i think you are right i think because of her age we are just getting independence from her, not having to watch her 24/7, her being able to get up and get dressed all by herself, do things for herself, going to birthday parties and not need us to stay with her...etc so i think we are feeling the next stage is here and we are missing her specific baby years as opposed to wanting another baby. i guess i realised if i could do it all again the same wayshe was i would, but if we were to know we'd have a baby who wouldn't sleep all night or be like her, i wouldn't want another baby, if you get me.

December2012 wrote: »

Truth is, even though you're already a parent, this is the first time you're doing any advanced planning about becoming a parent. So for you, this is the first time to make a conscious decision.

If I were you, I would try and not talk to your mother or mother in law about it, because it's really down to you and your husband. You're already confused about your own opinions, so taking other opinions on board may be too much to handle, and in fact add to the confusion.

So, work on your health and your relationship / career, etc.

If you want to do a "we'll see what happens" stance, them come off contraception and start taking folic acid, just in case.

Don't do any charting or ovulation prediction yet - see how you both feel after a few months. If you decide then to start trying to get pregnant you're in a good spot, if you decide to keep "waiting and seeing" you're in a good spot, and if you decide you don't want to have another child right now, you can go back to using barrier method contraception and just be in better health and a better career / finance position than now.

we are going to take this very good advice, i think it sums up good points made by other posters on here. and i think after talking to my husband (and us both reading this thread) we both agree having another baby while we feel we'd love to at times, we would also love to have our lives back, get ourselves to a secure financial position and most importantly a healthy life and career, and look after the child we have rather than risking it all for one we don't.

so we will wait and see how things turn up, and maybe revisit the idea in the future if it comes up again.

thank you to all of you.

FurBabyMomma

Wishing you the best of luck OP. And similar to another poster here I have an interesting gap with my siblings - 3 years with my sister and we've always been best friends and 11 years with my brother who I love to bits :-)