Is this normal female behavior?

keyboardmouse

Need opinions form folks on something. Guys, have you ever experienced this? Ladies, is this normal????

I need to know if the way my girlfriend feels is something that is typical of most women
or if its slightly odd as is my opinion...

Basically it's that if I'm not constantly talking or showing my feelings for her it's an issue.
I constantly get told, "Your not making me feel special" or when were out and come home I ask did you have a good night it's usually "Yeah but you could have put in more effort"

I mean everyday, I tell her how beautiful she looks when I see her (In fairness she always does look beautiful) , I always stop to give her a kiss if even it's just a peck as I pass her by. Always asking her how she's feeling etc I must back track, no not ALWAYS doing these things but because of the issue she makes of it, probably I do it a heck of a lot more than most guys.

Thing is, I find it really weird. I feel like I'm not good enough, doing something wrong.
I certainly wouldn't class myself as negligent! Do women really need THAT much reassurance to feel okay? My ex didn't, she was really independent and in truth I miss that.
It's like she's a big kid that constantly needs to be told there is nothing in the closet!

Do women in general feel like this? That there boyfriend should be nearly always be like a bloody boys to men chorus or something? Its like a never ending quest to please her and she should be forever be reminded and shown how special she is. I mean showing and talking about it is fine, but its constantly said to me!

IS THIS NORMAL???????? DO YOU NEED YOUR PARTNER TO FOREVER BE SHOWING HOW THEY FEEL IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY WITH THEM???

dee_mc

Remember she's not doing it to annoy you!
There must be a reason why she's so needy: have ye talked honestly about past relationships etc? I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, just saying it sounds like she's not at all secure in the relationship.
Fair play to you for making the effort - you obviously love her very much.
Ask her gently what you need to do, then take the time to decide whether it's worth it.
If you go on as you are, I feel you'll really begin to resent her (I've had a boyfriend who needed this kind of constant reassurance, and I sure resented giving it after a while )

Barely There

No it's not 'normal', whatever that is.

She sounds like a head-wreaker with a princess complex.

Boombastic

from what you wrote she comes across as clingy, insecure and with what I would call 'princess syndrome'


does she compliment you everyday etc in return or is it all a one way street?
no need to answer but consider is their balance in your relationship

Tilly

No it's not normal. She seems to have insecurity issues. You need to sit her down and tell her that you can’t constantly reassure her of your love. That would drive anyone mad having to constantly tell her how much you love her.

RossFixxxed

Nah, it's not normal male or female behaviour but it does happen. Princess Syndrome is a great name and is pretty much exactly what I was about to say.

Does she make you feel special?
What effort is she putting in?
What effort "should" you be putting in, according to her?
Do you want to be with her if you miss your ex so much?

Compliments mean nothing if they are delivered repeatedly on cue, and if they are coerced out of you. She's probably terribly insecure and it would do my head in. I couldn't handle all that rubbish to be honest. Usually it gets worse too.

Just a note but eight '?' is not normal either and a bit hysterical. I'm not slagging you, but it shows me your head is wrecked.

What do you really want to do?

keyboardmouse

Boombastic wrote: »

from what you wrote she comes across as clingy, insecure and with what I would call 'princess syndrome'


does she compliment you everyday etc in return or is it all a one way street?
no need to answer but consider is their balance in your relationship

Its very much a one way street. She'll say I love you when were maybe cuddling in bed or something, somewhere you'd expect it I guess and i find that perfectly normal. I mean, I'm certainly not walking around saying to myself, "oh she didn't kiss me, oh she's just acting like a friend " etc etc. all blooming day.

I do feel she has issues and you see the thing is she's a hot head, I've said it before, that I feel its not normal behavior and so "oh so I'm not normal am I not?" gets thrown back and things like that.

So was just asking around in case I really am a lousy boyfriend because I'm starting to feel it, but the voice in my head keeps saying, "your not doing anything wrong."

sadie06

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Do women in general feel like this? That there boyfriend should be nearly always be like a bloody boys to men chorus or something? Its like a never ending quest to please her and she should be forever be reminded and shown how special she is. I mean showing and talking about it is fine, but its constantly said to me!

IS THIS NORMAL???????? DO YOU NEED YOUR PARTNER TO FOREVER BE SHOWING HOW THEY FEEL IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY WITH THEM???

That line made me laugh.

OP, no it's not normal. Have you ever discussed this issue with her? I would sit her down and tell her in a calm fashion that these demands are bothering you, and that it is exhausting keeping up this level of reassurance at all times.

Tell her that you love her and think she is beautiful, but that in the future you would rather say these things on impulse, not demand. Perhaps point out that declarations of love and lust are cheapened if they are rolled out all day every day.

I wouldn't mention your ex or make any comparisons to other relationships though. That never ends well.

Good luck.

keyboardmouse

Just a note but eight '?' is not normal either and a bit hysterical. I'm not slagging you, but it shows me your head is wrecked.

Your spot on there, my head is melted. I feel It's like trying to deal with a child sometimes.
"Go to bed honey, it's alright, mammy and daddy still love you" HEAD MELTED

RossFixxxed

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Its very much a one way street.

...

So was just asking around in case I really am a lousy boyfriend because I'm starting to feel it, but the voice in my head keeps saying, "your not doing anything wrong."

Bad sign if it's one way. And no, you are not a lousy boyfriend, you are NOT doing things wrong. This whole thing would do your head in, and it clearly has done so!

I'd sit down and have a serious chat with her, and if there's more drama, I'd walk personally. That's just me, drama begets drama and sooner or later you have the "what the hell am I doing here?" moment!

sadie06

Is she demanding of friends and family also?

Merkin

Oh good Lord I'd find this level of neediness extremely tedious tbh. :rolleyes:

This is NOT normal, not by a long shot, gender is incidental.

How on earth can one person possibly need so much reassurance? And don't constant, daily, ongoing and EXPECTED compliments become disingenuous at some stage? Do you find yourself simply paying lip service in anticipation of her constant demands?

I think you probably need to have a serious word with her about what impact this is having on your relationship. I'd personally find that level of desperation extremely off-putting and tiring. Have it out with her.

blatantrereg

There's very little that is normal behaviour for one gender that isn't normal for the other. It's best not to have a separate set of standards for each. When someone says you should treat them differently because of their gender it is usually an excuse for demanding something unfair.

keyboardmouse

sadie06 wrote: »

Is she demanding of friends and family also?

Not so much. She's sensitive alright but no, I don't see her being demanding to friends or family. She lets them be as they are. She's demanding of my friends and family though. Spend to long on the phone and its an issue. I should be spending time with her. There are not enough hours in the day to make her satisfied. I used to have loads of hobbies and interests, now I just spend my time coming home and saying, "What would you like to do together today?" HEAD MELTED

ABajaninCork

If your head is melted? Then LEAVE!! Life's too short to put up with this kind of needy, insecure behaviour.

RossFixxxed

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Not so much. She's sensitive alright but no, I don't see her being demanding to friends or family. She lets them be as they are. She's demanding of my friends and family though. Spend to long on the phone and its an issue. I should be spending time with her. There are not enough hours in the day to make her satisfied. I used to have loads of hobbies and interests, now I just spend my time coming home and saying, "What would you like to do together today?" HEAD MELTED

So you're losing your hobbies and interests. You're not 'allowed' on the phone too long to your friends. Your own personality is fading to her demands.... That is not on at all. You know the song November Rain, that's about THIS. Giving so much to a relationship that it erodes who YOU are.

It's not on at all. I know that I could say to my gf I'm off doing whatever hobby and not only would there be no issue, she would actively ENCOURAGE me to persue it, to meet my friends and do my thing! It goes without saying we'd always make time for each other, and that we also need time to ourselves to undwind or persue things the other isn't interested in.

She sounds like Homer Simpson's description "like vampires for compliments, they just want mroe and more!" and that's not a good thing!

She sounds like an insecure princess, who feeds off compliments and your energy. Imagine a friend of yours in this situation and what you would tell them to do in this case!

keyboardmouse

I know the messages will roll in saying "leave, leave LEAVE!"
But there is a catch. I've told myself leave many times but the catch is small, wears nappy's and has a happy little face, so I'm not sure if I should just put up with it best I can.

desertcircus

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Not so much. She's sensitive alright but no, I don't see her being demanding to friends or family. She lets them be as they are. She's demanding of my friends and family though. Spend to long on the phone and its an issue. I should be spending time with her. There are not enough hours in the day to make her satisfied. I used to have loads of hobbies and interests, now I just spend my time coming home and saying, "What would you like to do together today?" HEAD MELTED

You're not in a healthy relationship. Couples in healthy relationships do not behave the way you've described. You have two choices: either talk it out with her and try to figure out how to rebuild what you have into something less damaged and damaging, or end it. For what it's worth, I wouldn't advise the first: she's not going to be able to change overnight, and you're not going to want to stick around when she inevitably struggles to change. In addition, her best chance to change will probably depend on her not having a partner: she needs to find validation that isn't contingent on another person. End it, and tell her why you're ending it.

Tilly

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Not so much. She's sensitive alright but no, I don't see her being demanding to friends or family. She lets them be as they are. She's demanding of my friends and family though. Spend to long on the phone and its an issue. I should be spending time with her. There are not enough hours in the day to make her satisfied. I used to have loads of hobbies and interests, now I just spend my time coming home and saying, "What would you like to do together today?" HEAD MELTED

I fail to see why you're actually with this girl? Apart from the fact she's hot. She is draining you! Would you not think about leaving her?

sadie06

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Not so much. She's sensitive alright but no, I don't see her being demanding to friends or family. She lets them be as they are.

I would see this as evidence that there could be light at the end of the tunnel. If she had this weird dynamic with all the relationships in her life, I would just label her as self-centred and advise you to hit the road as change is unlikely.


So this character trait comes to the fore with partners only. There may be a reason for that. Does she have hobbies? Does she feel valued in her work place? It seems her entire sense of self worth depends on your affirmations.


Do you love this girl enough to stick around if she accepts that she has a problem and seriously tries to work on it? If you do, I would say as much.

Edit: I just read about 'the catch'. Well then you owe this your best shot, but you have to make her realise how much depends on her confronting the issue. Was she like this before the baba?

desertcircus

keyboardmouse wrote: »

I know the messages will roll in saying "leave, leave LEAVE!"
But there is a catch. I've told myself leave many times but the catch is small, wears nappy's and has a happy little face, so I'm not sure if I should just put up with it best I can.

Having a child together does complicate things. Sit down and talk to your partner, and explain the problems you're having. Try to figure out how you can change the situation you're in - but if in a year's time everything is the same, then it's time to acknowledge that your child will be better off with happily separated parents than unhappily attached ones.

Big Bag of Chips

keyboardmouse wrote: »

There are not enough hours in the day to make her satisfied.

Well there you go. You've figured out one thing: it doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter how much you do. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her she's gorgeous etc... It will never be enough. She will never be satisfied.

That level of attention is not normal, nor is it sincere. My husband rarely tells me he loves me. He's not the emotional/lovey-dovey type. So the times he does tell me it really means something to me (and sometimes makes me suspicious :P)

I find it worrying that you used to have lots of hobbies and have given them all up for her. Some people do drop out of things when they start a relationship. But it is by choice, and one they are happy with. You don't sound like you had a choice, or are happy.

Also limiting your contact with family & friends is a very bad sign.

There was a similar thread here last week, and the underlying advice was, if the genders were reversed and a woman was posting asking that question she would be told her bf is controlling her.

You don't sound happy. You cannot relax in your relationship and just enjoy it. It's not my idea of a healthy relationship.

keyboardmouse

sadie06 wrote: »

Edit: I just read about 'the catch'. Well then you owe this your best shot, but you have to make her realise how much depends on her confronting the issue. Was she like this before the baba?

To be honest I've been giving it my best shot for a long time. Were together a few years basically based on me "trying harder" but I've compared it in the past to trying to fill a well with no bottom. No matter how much you put in, you'll never fill it up. Trust me, I've put in a LOT. More than I could describe here.

Little baba wasn't expected, she came along as a surprise so I've been biting my lip all the harder for her too. I want her mam and dad happy and together, and we often are happy.

But it seems superficial sometimes, always based on how much water I'm dumping into the bottomless well. It's a conundrum alright and I guess being here and talking it (or typing it ) is therapy in a way. It's nice to know I'm not going crazy.

By the way, I didn't mean "the catch" in a bad way, our little girl is amazing and her little smile helps me through everyday. I just meant its not so straight forward as "See you later you nutty so and so"

I realize this could now go into a different category about if kids should have two un-happy parents or separate happy ones. I think I'm inclined to the latter. It's scaring me to think of having to do that. How do you drive away from the house leaving your baby there? Not sure I can do it. Don't reply to that if it closes the thread, just thinking out loud!

Merkin

keyboardmouse wrote: »

I know the messages will roll in saying "leave, leave LEAVE!"
But there is a catch. I've told myself leave many times but the catch is small, wears nappy's and has a happy little face, so I'm not sure if I should just put up with it best I can.

What age is your little one? Has your girlfriend always been like this or do you think this is something that has only really manifested itself during/after pregnancy?

sadie06

I'm glad that offloading is helping. Would you consider couples' therapy/counselling as a last shot? It sounds like you are running on empty at this stage, so at least it would take things in a different direction for one last try.



Your partner should be made aware of how seriously you are considering the future. It should at least have some impact.

Sincere good luck!

Merkin

Does she acknowledge that she has an actual problem? Is she actually aware of how needy she is and consequently how corrosive that is? What I'm getting at is, if you suggest couple's counselling, will that come as a bolt out of the blue or something that she will concede is worth trying? Does she know you feel like this?

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

What age is your little one? Has your girlfriend always been like this or do you think this is something that has only really manifested itself during/after pregnancy?

She's nearly a year old but its definitely nothing to do with that. She's been like this a long time. When do you draw the line and say, "I can't keep being your safety net. Stop bugging me about how I am! If I'm not loving enough go find some other poor sod who doesn't know what he's in for!"

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

Does she acknowledge that she has an actual problem? Is she actually aware of how needy she is and consequently how corrosive that is? What I'm getting at is, if you suggest couple's counselling, will that come as a bolt out of the blue or something that she will concede is worth trying? Does she know you feel like this?

She know's she's a handful alright. She does admit that. I've mentioned counselling and she say's oh yeah as a last resort but I can tell she's not really interested. I do think I'm dealing with Borderline personality disorder or Narcissism or something (yes I've done my research,sad to say)

I know we've come a long way from asking is this need for attention all the time normal so thanks for any replies. You've no idea how helpful it is.

Merkin

You poor thing, it sounds like an awful situation and one that is wholly unsustainable if it continues untreated.

I would definitely recommend counselling for you both. I think she needs to realize that it IS last resort time and that counselling is absolutely necessary if the relationship is to stand any kind of chance at all.

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

You poor thing, it sounds like an awful situation and one that is wholly unsustainable if it continues untreated.

I would definitely recommend counselling for you both. I think she needs to realize that it IS last resort time and that counselling is absolutely necessary if the relationship is to stand any kind of chance at all.

Yeah counselling would help I think, it's the last step before hitting the road. I just don't know how I'd go about saying, "Right I'm off, I'll be back tomorrow though to see our baby!" It's
so messed up. Maybe I just need to be harder of heart!

Merkin

You don't need to think of the whys and wherefores of a potential separation at this juncture m'dear so don't put that pressure on yourself.

Right now, you want to work at it so I suggest you both approach counselling with an open mind. If she does then get a diagnosis for something like BPD it can then be addressed at least. As it stands, the relationship doesn't have a happy/healthy future when both of you are clearly so unhappy (she can't possibly be happy either given her levels of neediness and insecurity) so at least this way you are being proactive.

And if it doesn't work out, and it might not, at least you will have tried and taken the necessary steps to try your best to make it work. That's all you can do. She really has to throw herself into counselling though so I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you tell her how you have reached a critical point in your relationship.

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

She really has to throw herself into counselling though so I can't emphasize enough how important it is that you tell her how you have reached a critical point in your relationship.

Perhaps I need to say the things she doesn't like hearing as well as what she does. I think she fears counselling because they more than likely would diagnose her with something in my humble opinion!

Merkin

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Perhaps I need to say the things she doesn't like hearing as well as what she does. I think she fears counselling because they more than likely would diagnose her with something in my humble opinion!

Well it's all about taking those first tentative steps in breaking a very damaging cycle. You're constantly telling her what she wants to hear and it's not getting you anywhere is it? Maybe telling her that you genuinely are thinking of leaving her because you are so unhappy would be a first good step. It will help her hopefully understand the severity of the situation and the imminent need for professional intervention. The softly softly approach isn't going to work, you've pussy footed around the woman for long enough and the matter now needs to be dealt with urgently.

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

Well it's all about taking those first tentative steps in breaking a very damaging cycle. You're constantly you've pussy footed around the woman for long enough and the matter now needs to be dealt with urgently.

Think that's it in a nut shell! Just glad to know I'm not loosing it as I said. I see other couples in our circle of friends behaving "normally" and wonder how she can't see it. They've even teased us once or twice, and she just said, "That's just how we are isn't honey?" While fixing me with an icy stare.

In my head I said, "No its not how WE are honey, it's how YOU are you insecure nit wit" But aloud said, "Yeah sure, that's us alright."

Our friend said, "well it wouldn't be for me. i like him checking on me, but Jesus...."

To be honest it's embarrasing too.

bee06

I agree with everything that's been said so far but in addition ... Do you want your little girl to grow up thinking her mothers behaviour is "normal" and going down the same road as her mother?

Merkin

No you're not losing it. It's just that the abnormal has become normal for you so it's all too easy then to question it and wonder if you're overreacting. You're not at all. You've demonstrated the patience of a saint and have evidently put your partner first and much to your own detriment at that. Loosing your own friends and hobbies and sense of self because of her psychological issues is not a fair trade. She needs help and quickly. I also wouldn't be happy of vague promises of potentially going to see some therapist at some stage. Do a bit of research, find a reputable therapist and tell her you're making an appointment. No ifs, ands or buts.

keyboardmouse

bee06 wrote: »

I agree with everything that's been said so far but in addition ... Do you want your little girl to grow up thinking her mothers behaviour is "normal" and going down the same road as her mother?

Not a chance I'll let that happen!

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with Merkin, I think you have to now tell her that it IS last resort time. She needs to know that you are deeply unhappy.

I think your friends commenting on it was more than just a passing observation. I think they are more clued in than you give them credit for. It is very very obvious when a couple are genuinely happy, and when they are not. The friend who commented was probably trying to help out, by letting her know without directly telling her that she is being unfair.

It is very difficult to fake "natural". And others can see immediately when something isn't natural. You felt the steely stare, you can be certain your friend picked up on it to.

Think of one trusted friend... Maybe the one who commented, and talk to them. Support here is fantastic, but it's good to have someone "real" in your corner too. If for nothing else just to listen.

Wouldn't you offer an ear to a friend? Wouldn't you hate to think of a friend feeling like you do, but then feeling they shouldn't say anything to you about it?

Big Bag of Chips

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Not a chance I'll let that happen!

How will you stop it? If you don't stand up to her mother you will just have to stand-by and watch your daughter turn into her.

Merkin

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Think of one trusted friend... Maybe the one who commented, and talk to them. Support here is fantastic, but it's good to have someone "real" in your corner too. If for nothing else just to listen.

I agree with this. I'd liken the situation to domestic abuse or living with an addict - essentially when there's one fundamental problem that you are at pains to keep secret out of fear or shame or embarrassment or what have you, it is all too easy then to think of it as normal or to rationalize it.

Actually opening up to someone close, some good friend who you can trust and rely on, then it would also help you see that it is not a normal dynamic rather than internalizing it all and wondering whether you are losing it (which you are clearly not). I think reaching out to someone close could really help you.

It seems it's all about her needs and her angst and her fears and you've been neglecting yourself.

keyboardmouse

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think your friends commenting on it was more than just a passing observation. I think they are more clued in than you give them credit for. It is very very obvious when a couple are genuinely happy, and when they are not.

I think you are spot on there with that!

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

I'd liken the situation to domestic abuse or living with an addict -

It seems it's all about her needs and her angst and her fears and you've been neglecting yourself.

Another spot on observation. To be honest I could say a lot more of her behavior, what she expects of me and you probably wouldn't believe it and I've known for a while I'm in a damaging situation. How to get out or stay in and have it fixed is the key

Merkin

Although none of us here are qualified, we are here to help. It sounds like a pretty horrific situation tbh. If you want to give a warts and all account then do so, it might just be a useful exercise in actually gathering your thoughts. Nobody here knows you so if you feel you want to say more then you should.

keyboardmouse

Merkin wrote: »

Although none of us here are qualified, we are here to help. It sounds like a pretty horrific situation tbh. If you want to give a warts and all account then do so, it might just be a useful exercise in actually gathering your thoughts. Nobody here knows you so if you feel you want to say more then you should.

Think tomorrow i'll do that!

It sounds like emotional abuse more than neediness, although neediness might have been there at the start, her ability to make you comply with her demands has entrenched the whole behaviour. She's controlling you with the power of her moods. Ask her if she loves you enough to accept your word, and ask her to reciprocate and assure you of all the appreciation she should feel for your efforts. I predict she'll claim it's all normal and that you don't do anything special or out of the ordinary, because this stuff is pure passive-aggressive selfishness that rates her feelings as more important than yours.

You're probably walking on eggshells wondering if you've worshipped at the altar of her self-esteem enough to buy yourself some peace and quiet, and you're very patient, that much is clear.

There was a thread here a while ago where the OP had constant demands to 'make' his girlfriend feel special, wonderful, clever, witty and all the rest, and he was so worn down she had him convinced he was worthless and mean. You don't seem to have gotten there yet, but no doubt a few more years of unreasonable demands to shore up her self worth will take a greater toll on you. Worrying too that she doesn't even want you distracted by the telephone in your efforts to validate her.

Does she get jealous of the time you spend with the baby?

You have to sit her down and tell her you want a rational conversation. Show her this thread if you have to. Tell her she's driving you away with her insatiable need for flattery and validation and that it has to come from within herself first, regardless of how wonderful you tell her she is. Point out that it's never enough, ask her if she knows what is.

Your baby is going to have your relationship as the yardstick for all future partnerships. You don't want her thinking her role in life is to be worshipped and her partners is to provide for all her emotional needs.

Merkin

You might want to start looking here for a therapist.

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

If you opt for couples counselling, afaik you can go and see a counsellor independently first which might be worthwhile given the circumstances. I'm not sure relationship counselling is the way to go however given that the issue may be more deep-rooted in an undiagnosed psychological condition so maybe have a word with someone first and get advice on what the best approach is for you. It's important that if she does commit to counselling, you are seen by the right person.

P. Breathnach

I think one very valuable observation was made in the very first response:

dee_mc wrote: »

Remember she's not doing it to annoy you!
...

Your girlfriend has a problem, and it's not really you. It's difficult to be sure what the problem is. It might be a very deep insecurity, for which she needs constant reassurance; or it might be a personality disorder going some of the way towards partner abuse.

I think you need to confront her behaviour. Note that I say "her behaviour", and not "her". When she makes what you think is an unreasonable demand or complaint, ask her in a gentle manner if she believes that you love her.

I could try to suggest how you deal with her response but, to be frank, the range of possible responses is wide, and I don't have the time to write a book! You will probably get something less clearcut than a straight "yes" or "no". Whatever she says, try to talk it out with her (keeping in mind that she has some kind of problem).

Do not get sidetracked into discussing a claim that you don't show your love enough: that's just feeding the problem rather than trying to deal with it.

Magicmatilda

A couple of points - firstly a counsellor cannot diagnose her with anything. They do not have the authority for that. Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose.

Secondly are you married? If not do you have gaurdianship of your daughter. I would suggest you get that sorted before you approach the partner about any issues.

Once that is sorted - then you need to explain to her that you are at last resort stage and that you want her to attend counselling with you. To be honest I am not sure what the changes of her changing will be. Also it doesn't sound like you love her so maybe its about acknowledging that, It would be hard to love some one who keeps demanding it anyway. But no point pretending you do if you don't.

Regarding leaving your daughter - of course that will be difficult, that is natural but you can apply for joint custody of her. In my opinion more men shold have joint custody, though I understand it may not be easy to get. But it is something to persue. Might be no harm to get some legal advice on where you would stand were you to leave.

Incidentally how did she get pregnant? Were you not using contraception? she sounds like the type to do it on purpose.

diveout

Honestly, I disagree with the couples counselling solution.

She needs a therapist to get off of being a validation junkie and learn to validate herself and you OP need a therapist so that you can learn better how to deal with this and stop collusing in it.

You see, you have been doing it for a number of years and now you are withdrawing, you just dont have the stamina for it,but any change is going to be difficult...it's hard changing precedent in relationship.

Before you start thinking borderline or narcissism, seriously consider all the other clusters of symptoms and manifestations that accompany those personality disorders. They are very serious and beyond neediness. If you do genuinely believe it is BPD or Narcissim then you need to watch your back.

LegacyUser

Hi I just wanted to post a response from the other side.

I am and have been that girl. Maybe not to the same extent, but have showed the same damaging behaviours.

Just to say: nobody starts being a head case in a relationship for no reason. Men say needy women are 'crazy', but no-one is needy because they choose to, it's always due to some past abuse/trauma. I'm not at all saying she's in the right, she's in the wrong but it's not really her choice, and it's something she would hugely benefit for herself and everyone else around her getting help with.

In my instance I suffered rejection from a close family member, and it triggered me into being needy and subconciously thinking no one was going to stick around. However I couldn't see my behaviour for what it was fully at the time. I knew it was damaging and I was pushing people away, but I kept doing it and then could never decide afterwards if I was right in what I had said or not. So I think on some level she knows she is in a painful cycle.

It took it to being pointed out to me, and realising I was ruining all my relationships to realise deep down I had a deep insecurity stemming from past issues and I had to go get counselling. I have'nt changed overnight, I am still insecure, but I am working on myself, and I am happy I have seen the issue and am addressing it.

I would say: approach the subject gently with her. Tell her you cant take it anymore and she needs to look at why she's doing it and be open to change. Suggest counselling. It will do the two of you a world of good Good luck!

strobe

keyboardmouse wrote: »

Its very much a one way street. She'll say I love you when were maybe cuddling in bed or something, somewhere you'd expect it I guess and i find that perfectly normal. I mean, I'm certainly not walking around saying to myself, "oh she didn't kiss me, oh she's just acting like a friend " etc etc. all blooming day.

I do feel she has issues and you see the thing is she's a hot head, I've said it before, that I feel its not normal behavior and so "oh so I'm not normal am I not?" gets thrown back and things like that.

So was just asking around in case I really am a lousy boyfriend because I'm starting to feel it, but the voice in my head keeps saying, "your not doing anything wrong."

Maybe that could be a way of approaching things with her then? Direct her attention to the fact that she says "I love you" when you're cuddling in bed and things, but it's not constant. Ask her if she only feels that way about you in those moments, or is it just that those are the moments she says it but she feels it just the same the rest of the time. Try to relate back to her that you are the same, you may only say these things at certain times, but just like her, it doesn't mean you aren't feeling them the rest of the time.

keyboardmouse wrote: »

She know's she's a handful alright. She does admit that. I've mentioned counselling and she say's oh yeah as a last resort but I can tell she's not really interested.

In relation to the counselling I think it's probably important that the suggestion doesn't come across with a vibe of 'maybe get counselling so you're a better girlfriend for me?', if you get my meaning.

Try approaching it from the angle of asking her if she's happy as things are for herself. Ask her to really think about whether, if she had a choice between the two:
: would she rather be happy and comfortable and content with you expressing your feelings of love for her and showing you care for her, in the way she does for you, and in the way that is most natural for you, like it is for her: saying it and showing it at certain times when the desire overtakes you, but feeling it all the rest of the time too.
: or would she prefer things to stay as they are, with her feeling anxious and insecure and ill at ease unless you are constantly making a contrived effort to reassure her all the time.

Stress to her that that is a genuine choice she can make. She can have it the first way with a little help and a little work.



I'm sure your GF is well aware that her insecurity and need for your constant reassurance isn't 'normal' and that it causes her a lot of stress and unhappiness. She's almost certainly spent time wishing she was different or could change, no one wants to be in a constant state of anxiety about their relationship. She's probably also aware that it's having a negative effect on how you view her and how happy you are in the relationship.

She's your GF and the mother of your child, I presume you love her*, so try to make sure she understands that that's where you're coming from. That counselling and getting help with these problems is based on your desire for her to be happy, and for your relationship to be as good, and fun and strong as it can be.

*I noticed you don't actually mention loving her... Do you? My advice above is kinda based on the assumption you do genuinely love her, and that's why you want things to work, and want to be with her.

If it's the case that you don't and are just staying with her at this point purely 'cause of the kid my advice wouldn't be the same.