Not sure what to do anymore!

irishdub74

Hello,
I posted on here before and always found the advice very helpful!
Will get straight to the point! i'm a 40 year old guy and haven't been in a relationship since 2009, no one night stands nothing, i have been on a few dates but even though they have gone ok i just get the nice guy syndrome,
It might sound corny but i kinda have old fashioned values, i don't get touchy on the first date i don't expect anything on the first date other then the hopeful second one, - i am shy and a little introverted so that doesn't help matters, i just got to the point where i don't know what to do anymore, i want to fall madly in love with a woman who want's to be with me, hang out and have a laugh and do all the things couples do, i work i have my own place,
I sometimes get a little flustered when i meet someone and don't always know what to say but that changes when i get comfortable,
I don't want to sound pathetic but it's just been so long since i had any type of real affection i do feel like crying out off frustration, I just want a long term steady relationship where do i go from here!

Merkin

Have you tried online dating?

irishdub74

Yes have tried online dating, but would rather meet someone offline.

bluemagpie

What kind of hobbies do you have, could you not meet people through them? There are always people recommending hill walking groups, meet ups etc, look for groups aimed at your hobbies or random social night out groups either.

lavinia hathaway

Hi OP,
Judging from the ongoing threads here, you're not alone by any means. You sound like a decent guy and there's nothing wrong with being either old fashioned or a nice guy. I understand totally about the online dating, it's not for everyone. Would you consider putting a classified ad in the paper? That way you can make it clear exactly what you're looking for.
Above all, don't give up and don't settle for less than you deserve.

irishdub74

Hi all
Thank you for you're replies, yes in the past i have tried an add i met my last girlfriend on match.com so have tried the online dating and am on the free sites etc but it just doesn't seem real at times. At the moment i'm trying meet up clubs but as i said i'm a little introverted so it takes time for me to settle, and be comfortable but i'm getting there.
I would just love to meet a girl on the same wave length. who loves learning,movies, music reading and really wants to be loved and just have a bit off craic along the way, but just for what ever reason it doesn't seem to be happing right now, which makes me a little sad!

lavinia hathaway

The thing with meet up clubs or other hobbies is there is no dating pressure so just relax and be yourself and enjoy them.

miamee

OP, with regards to the few dates that you have been on...is it possible that your old-fashioned approach might come across as uninterested to the women? There is nothing wrong with an old fashioned approach,in fact some would find it quite romantic. However if you're not going to tell/show someone that you like them by a gesture (holding hands, kiss, whatever) then you need to do so verbally. Either just by telling them you're old-fashioned and don't ever do that on the first date or else by saying how much you like them and want to see them again.

Maybe you've done this but speaking from experience it can be confusing on a date not to have any sign at all that someone likes you.

irishdub74

Point well taken Miamee, right now just even getting a date would be an achievement in itself :-)

njs030

Just adding to miamee's post, you mentioned online dating doesn't work for you. How are you approaching it? Have you thought about how being old fashioned might not come across well?

Just a few tweaks to how you approach someone could make a huge difference-forget about dating and concentrate on chatting.

otnomart

irishdub74 wrote: »

i'm a little introverted so it takes time for me to settle, and be comfortable but i'm getting there.
I would just love to meet a girl on the same wave length. who loves learning,movies, music reading and really wants to be loved and just have a bit off craic along the way

This is an articulate description of you who are and what you are looking for in a person.
I would say, make sure that your online dating profile reflects this.

When you go on dates, try to open up, explain if you are feeling a bit nervous (everyone would understand that) and I second the suggestion to show your interest in some shape or form, either holding hands, or saying: "I would like to see you again"

It seems you are doing all the right things, it is just a matter of time.
You are not alone!

Emme

Be patient. If you're in meetup clubs you're bound to meet someone because women outnumber men in most of them. In meetup groups the women tend to be friendly and approach women a lot. Lots of them would be on your wavelength of taking things easy - no kissing on the first date etc.

Lots of women join hillwalking groups ostensibly to walk in the hills, but really to meet someone. Again women outnumber men hugely in hillwalking groups. You would have no problem finding someone there.

If you can't meet someone in Dublin (I presume that's where you live) then you must be inadvertently doing something to put women off. You say you get flustered - that might not help.

Remember, you are a man in a city of single women. This puts you at a huge advantage. There is no need to get flustered - you WILL find someone if your expectations are realistic.

irishdub74

Hey guys,
Thank's again for the advice, have taken it on board and will use it, i do feel i am getting better at mixing with people, i guess why i never felt like i was shown interest was because i thought it may freak women out if i suddenly started touching them in someway, i just never had that kinda confidence sounds lame probably but as i said i hopefully have come out of my shell enough too show the next girl that i do like her enough and that she will like me in the same way!

lavinia hathaway

irishdub74 wrote: »

Hey guys,
Thank's again for the advice, have taken it on board and will use it, i do feel i am getting better at mixing with people, i guess why i never felt like i was shown interest was because i thought it may freak women out if i suddenly started touching them in someway, i just never had that kinda confidence sounds lame probably but as i said i hopefully have come out of my shell enough too show the next girl that i do like her enough and that she will like me in the same way!

Best of luck to you, you seem a lot more confident so use it and enjoy yourself!

Pissy Missy

I'm in the same boat OP, but have decided that online dating was not getting me anywhere (think the free ones aren't taken as seriously as the ones that you pay for) but I know ppl who have met genuine ppl on it and have been together for years, so might be worthwhile. Maybe try not to focus too much on it (easier said than done), that's what I was doing and It was doing more bad than good, maybe you could work on ways of increasing your confidence because there's nothing sexier than that (though other things aren't too far behind it - lol). Right now, I'm focusing on me, getting myself in good shape and focusing on my career and other aspects of my life.

But do what you need to do, I guess I just got tired of looking, so I'll just use the time to focus on me and if someone comes, they come, if not, so be it, I'll invest in cats

irishdub74

Thank's Pissy Missy :-) yeah i agree on the dating sites - been trying them off and on for a while but haven't had much success. I do try not to focus on it too much but sometimes when you had a bad day or whatever it be just nice to know someone cares and that makes life a little easier, but i know what you mean about getting tired of looking. Good luck with the cats :-)

Emme

Pissy Missy wrote: »

I'm in the same boat OP, but have decided that online dating was not getting me anywhere (think the free ones aren't taken as seriously as the ones that you pay for) but I know ppl who have met genuine ppl on it and have been together for years, so might be worthwhile. Maybe try not to focus too much on it (easier said than done), that's what I was doing and It was doing more bad than good, maybe you could work on ways of increasing your confidence because there's nothing sexier than that (though other things aren't too far behind it - lol). Right now, I'm focusing on me, getting myself in good shape and focusing on my career and other aspects of my life.

But do what you need to do, I guess I just got tired of looking, so I'll just use the time to focus on me and if someone comes, they come, if not, so be it, I'll invest in cats

If you seriously want a cat go to your local animal shelter. I think that a guy's attitude to animals is a good indicator of his character - I would never date a guy who didn't like animals.

singledad80

Don't give up The are loads of women out there looking for some one like you, don't change your self for any one if they like you they like you for being you, have you talk to your friends and family about this ? May be work friends ? may be they have some one that is looking for you, Problem with dating sites is there are men are more likely to ask women out than women asking lads out. There is dating on boards as fare as I know would you not check there ?

Penny Tration

singledad80 wrote: »

Don't give up The are loads of women out there looking for some one like you, don't change your self for any one if they like you they like you for being you, have you talk to your friends and family about this ? May be work friends ? may be they have some one that is looking for you, Problem with dating sites is there are men are more likely to ask women out than women asking lads out. There is dating on boards as fare as I know would you not check there ?

Nah, it's not a boards dating site. It's a private forum to discuss online dating, not to date boardsies.