28 and alone

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a pretty solitary guy. I've never been on a date with a girl, never kissed a girl etc.

When I was growing up I had no friends or siblings. My mother suffered from mental illness, so I had to deal with checking her into St. Patricks when things got too bad and pretending things were OK the next day.

I don't really have any friends. My only close friend moved to New Zealand 3 years ago. Nobody else I know has ever even been to my home.

I work hard. Mainly because I have nothing else to do with my life. I'm very well paid ( over €100k/year ) but I've never been to college ( so there was never any social outlet there ).

I was walking home today, and for the first time ever I considered stepping out in front of a bus.

marie12

Lots of people don't have friends so you're not the only one. You're lucky if you have one good friend. Have you hobbies? What are you passionate about? What do you find fun? Pursue these things, enjoy them and you might meet like minded people. What about your colleagues?
Like is full of ups and downs ahead, embrace the downs and enjoy the ups.

Flippyfloppy

Hi davey, welcome to the forum, I hope (& think) that you will get some sound advice here.


You sound like a very strong individual. I have experience of a parents with serious mental illness and can absolutely understand how that can impact upon relationships growing up, and continue to impact you as an adult.

The important thing is that you've reached out here for support.

College is good for making relationships as you tend to be with like-minded individuals, unlike school where you're just grouped with people geographically. It doesn't sound like you need college, so your hobbies and interests would be the best way to go to get out there and learn about the kind of person you'd get on with.

There is plenty to do, kayaking lessons/trips, caving, mountain walking, climbing, diving, sailing etc. as a single man in his late 20's the world is your oyster. How about visiting your friend in New Zealand? On the way you could stop off in Thailand or somewhere as part of an organised group, plenty of people come away from holidays such as that with lifetime friends.

Funk It

Sorry to hear about your predicament, but just wondering if you have discussed all of this with your close friend? Or even if you have considered taking a week or two off to go to Zealand, to meet up with your mate, and maybe do a bit of travelling?

I agree with (edit) both previous posters, if you have any hobbies I would focus on those first, outside of that joining a charity or social group may be the key to meeting more people.

Dont be afraid to talk to people about what you're going through though and i hope that everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

marie12 wrote: »

Lots of people don't have friends so you're not the only one. You're lucky if you have one good friend. Have you hobbies? What are you passionate about? What do you find fun? Pursue these things, enjoy them and you might meet like minded people. What about your colleagues?
Like is full of ups and downs ahead, embrace the downs and enjoy the ups.

I have some hobbies, I get along very well with people but I think I have a touch of social phobia. It takes a lot of effort to motivate myself to go out the door. I have to actively

I have acquaintances/colleagues that invite me out for a drink and a meal once or twice a month. I think it's a bit harder to make the leap to a real friendship as most of the people I work with or participate in clubs/hobbies with have already quite full lives with long term friendships and committed relationships.

I'm tall and I've been told I'm somewhat handsome. A few months ago I asked a girl in work out for dinner (after we'd got to know each other a little outside of work). That was the first time in 8 years I plucked up the courage. She said she'd rather be friends, and I accept that but she's pulled away a little bit.

That thought floating into my head last night scared the crap out of me. Bringing back memories of dealing with my mom's psychosis. I think what screwed me up a bit was an incident that occurred last night. I was sitting with two acquaintances at a table discussing a shared hobby, what started as an actual conversation I was a participant in turned into 30 minutes where the other two didn't even look in my direction and didn't give a response to anything I said.

I talk to my friend about this. He suggested online dating as well. We meet up when we can. Due to work commitment I can't get over there this year, but he's due back for the month of October.

marie12

If you are gettin to go out socially once or twice a month that's good. Just continue to be yourself.
I would love to know how the two would have responded had you met them individually. People can be cruel when they have back up. I wouldn't be overly nice to those who are that rude and unfriendly
My mum has bi polar it is challenging but children of parents with mental illness are said to be blessed. We are that bit stronger.
Many people can have sweeping suicidal thoughts in their life, chat to someone you trust or a counsellor

December2012

Have you ever talked to a therapist about your past and your experiences, particularly with your mother and those instances where she was sick?

It might help you to talk about it.

If people are inviting you out then they like you, that's great.

herisson

Therapy can work OP, im not saying you need it but i think it would help to talk things out with someone. You could try overcome your past with your Mum. I see a counsellor, i suffered badly from social anxiety, to the point where i wouldnt even leave my house, just go to college, go home and be on my own. It helped me so much.

It is great that people are inviting you out, they clearly want you there.

Online dating would be good also. It will will get you out there.

Also, if you are a member of boards, you should try going to boards beers. I have made so many friends from here over the years, ive met them by just chatting to them at beers.

I do think it is fantastic that you are getting out though. This summer why not try get away if you can? Even visit your friend in New Zealand.

fillefatale

Social anxiety is under-acknowledged, we're all supposed to be in our twenties, extroverted, sleeping around, enjoying life in a certain way to be truly living our twenties.

You seem to be doing well in your life despite all the hurdles so far (I empathise with having a parent who has a mental illness). Like a couple of people have suggested, therapy seems like it could be a viable option in your case.

I wish you all the best, you deserve to be happy, as you seem like a good person.

Good luck OP! You're not alone!

minalaury

I'm so sorry you had to go through that growing up OP. It's not surprising that you suffer from social anxiety. A few friends of mine have found ssris and counselling to be life-changing in tackling this. At the same time, your sensitivity and thoughtfulness will be attractive traits to lots of people. I also agree that online dating and meetups would be worth trying. You're still very young and women tend to prefer older men anyway so you have plenty of time!

Lou.m

davey28 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm a pretty solitary guy. I've never been on a date with a girl, never kissed a girl etc.

When I was growing up I had no friends or siblings. My mother suffered from mental illness, so I had to deal with checking her into St. Patricks when things got too bad and pretending things were OK the next day.

I don't really have any friends. My only close friend moved to New Zealand 3 years ago. Nobody else I know has ever even been to my home.

I work hard. Mainly because I have nothing else to do with my life. I'm very well paid ( over €100k/year ) but I've never been to college ( so there was never any social outlet there ).

I was walking home today, and for the first time ever I considered stepping out in front of a bus.

You need to reach out to someone professional who can guide you safely through this rough patch.

I promise I promise things can get better.

Everyday is a renewal.

About five years ago I met a guy in a similar situation to yourself. He was actually a twin though. And the relationship between himself and his brother was so close it ended up crowding out all else. They ran a business together and he felt completely isolated.

He confided in me he was a virgin and hated his body (he and his brother were unusually tall).

We helped him find people he could eventually be comfortable with and he took it from there.

He is married now with a little girl.

Open up to people and let them know. Reach out.

Please love yourself.

http://www.pieta.ie/

My friend volunteers at the above house if you need to talk. And there is the Samaritans.

PLEASE don't hurt yourself. We don't want you to!

There are people out there looking to meet friends. There is a person looking to meet you.

Explain to women you meet about your past ....we are very understanding. Open up.

Lou.m

This thread has been on my mind and even made me worry a bit.

OP just a thought but does your work have a HR debt that could help? Can you talk to work mates?

Please try Pieta house.

And please know you are lovable as you are and there is a wonderful world out there.

trihead

Hi,

I think you should try and take some annual leave or even sick leave or unpaid leave and go visit your friend in NZ next few weeks. As you said you are paid very well in your job / can't take time out as busy but your health is your wealth as the saying going. I know its such a cliche but its so true and usually people only find this out when its too late. I think the trip, seeing your friend and the break from work will all help you and might give you a new perceptive.

Other posters advise about talking to someone in the meantime either thru a helpline or a professional is good advice too.

trihead:)