two bullying confrontations as a child - still haunts me 20 years on

LegacyUser

I'm a man in my early thirties and to this day I find it hard to shake off the humiliating thought of when I was confronted by some random bully when I was 10.

I never met the guy before. He was probably older than me by about a year or two. I was walking up a local road to a shop with my younger cousin when these two guys cycled across the road and started picking on me for no reason. He was yelling in my face. Telling me 'you're that fat idiot..!' and calling me all sorts of things. Naturally I was a quiet child and could never stand up for myself. The most embarrassing part was that he made me kneel down in front of him - and during this all (much again to my fear/idiocy at the time) a kind adult who was walking by stopped and asked what was going on and if I was alright. I was so afraid I said nothing. My cousin was just standing there, also afraid I can only presume but they left him alone. He said we were only playing and I nodded in fear (stupidity) and the man left.

I don't know how it ended but he went away after that. What's worse is that about two years later I was walking home from school with the same cousin again, his sister who was my age and the same two boys, out of nowhere, stopped and started picking on me again wanting me to fight. I was so afraid I burst out crying but thankfully my cousins parents happened to be driving by, saw what happened, held onto the two of them and called the guards. To this day I remember the guards dragging them home in the patrol car - a male and female guard who were very understanding about how I felt.

The sad thing is that again I was the sole one picked on. I remember getting his name and never meeting him before or since. It doesn't matter if he confused me with someone else but even as a grown adult I go through periods of depression/embarrassment and humiliation. I know it sounds ridiculous but when I (not often) meet the same cousins I wonder does it make them remember the same - It's so humiliating that I let them get away with it - even worse that I actually went on my knees before him - a guy who's nothing but a complete cnut of the highest order.

I guess I'm looking for a little support. I hate bullies. I despise them. I just wonder does what happened reflect on the person I am - it really killed my self esteem.

Thanks for reading.


tldr; was picked on by same guy on 2 occasions as child. am haunted/humiliated by it as adult. please help

Boombastic

you were 10
no it doesn't reflect badly on who you are today
your cousin didn't step in and help you but stood by and watched - what have you got to be embarassed in front of him for?
you are overthinking things. think of all the positive experiences which helped you become the person you are today. leave these incidents and the negativity in the past. forgive your 10 year old self.

alleystar

Your cousins probably don't even remember or care. It was a traumatic experience for your ten year old self but you need to make an effort to move on from it.

Although if you're still fixated on these experiences twenty years down the line then maybe you should find a decent counsellor and work to get past it/accept it.

Matthew 5.11

you done nothin wrong,dont feel bad,i hate bullies aswell,he's the one who should feel shame for what he done

whirlpool

The incident really seemed to convince your brain at the time that there was something wrong with you, and obviously that feeling has stuck with you ever since. Emotional situations which we find ourselves in growing up can really leave a lasting imprint. That's how our brain learns. It experiences, and it learns from the experience. But... your logical mind knows that those experiences don't mean there was anything wrong with you. You know this. So you need to get your logical brain to convince your emotional brain about that. You may need a professional to assist you with that, as it's not like we get any real emotional education in our schools growing up. So get someone who's a pro at it. A counsellor of some sort.

If a child or a young teenager was seriously freaked out by being confronted by bullies the way that you were, what would you tell them? Would you tell them that there is something wrong with them? Or would you tell them that the incident had absolutely zero to do with who they were as a person and doesn't reflect badly on them? Whatever you would tell other kids in the same situation is what you should obviously be telling yourself.

Gatling

Op i understand exactly how you feel ,I was severely bullied for 6 years in secondary school on a daily basis ,
A lot of people who have been bullied will suffer anxiety and depression ,
I personally have and still do despite nearly 20 years since I finished school ,
I recently came across on of my former tormentors and an almost feel apart there and then ,

I highly recommend you talk to somebody about what happened and how its still affecting you either a friend ,family member ,
Then seek professional help either from your gp or a councillor who can help with the bouts of depression ,

Thrust me its better out than kept bottled up and wondering why or what you did or didn't do wrong

meoklmrk91

You asked OP on if it reflects on you as a person. I don't think so, in fact I think it says a lot more about the bully, it says that they were such a coward they had to resort on picking on a person who was doing nothing to them, who was minding their own business, who was younger than them, to make themselves feel better about their pathetic little selves.

I think anyone who has been bullied at any point in their life is somewhat haunted by their own experiences the same way you are, I know that I am. I did end up giving my bully a few thumps, it stopped the bullying but by then the damage had long been done, in the grand scheme of things it made no difference whatsoever. We always think back on these kinds of situations about what we could have done differently, it's human nature, but there is feck all we can do about it now.

You didn't do anything wrong, you reacted as most kids, and adults infact, would in that situation. I'm sure your cousins don't think any less of you and nor should they, most people will have a story where they felt the same way as you did in those situations so they can epathise. Try not to beat yourself up, they world is filled with crappy people who do crappy things, and you don't sound like one of them so be nicer to yourself

Doublelime

I was bullied for 6 months and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It made me a man. Now I can stand up for myself.

Tokyo

Doublelime - I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here by assuming that you are not being deliberately antagonistic towards the OP. However if you post in this manner again, I will be issuing infractions - advice towards the OP must be constructive and mature, anything else will not be tolerated. Please familiarise yourself with the forum charter before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

xzanti

Things that happen to us in our childhood can shape our image of the world. What may seem like a fleeting incident to one person can be a huge trauma to another.

At 10 we are still finding our feet essentially and an attack like that can really scar us emotionally and possibly mentally.. They may not have physically harmed you but they humiliated and frightened you.

You are still replaying this scene in your head 20 years later so I think it is time to go and see a counsellor or a psychotherapist.

What you are describing sounds like a horrendous experience for any child, I don't think you would be alone in feeling 'haunted' by such an incident.

If putting your feelings into words on this thread doesn't help you to deal with this issue, then I would urge you to speak to a good counsellor.

Best of luck.

Rubberchikken

I agree with you totally.
I absolutely hate and dispise bullies.
But i also feel sorry for them.

I always imagine them as pathetic wasters who are either so lacking in confidence that they cant see that there is room in the world for everyone, or they are so filled with false confidence that they imagine they actually matter.

Im sorry you had such a bad experience. The best way to 'get back' at these guys is to rise above it, and succeed.
Dont ever let them win.
Take care