Should parents treat their children equally....

hoodwinked

mods please move this if it is not in the right section, i thought of here when i was thinking of where to post it as i want the opinion of parents.


Should parents treat their children equally as much as is possible?

my reasons for asking is, growing up my mum would always treat the three of us fairly equal, toys were bought x 3 (obviously excluding birthdays) and kept to either what we wanted or equal value. so i have not experience the latter,

my other question is if they should treat them equally does it ever become acceptable for them to stop doing so e.g. when they reach a certain age?

i know at times some will need a step up and others won't, but over all should children be treated equally?

i have one child so it is not an issue for me, but i know someone with 3 children, and they gave a significant gift to one, but not the other 2. even though they are in a position to give equally to all 3, and one of the other two could really use the same helping hand the first child got. i think they are being unfair to their two children but i am wondering am i being unreasonable in saying so when asked my opinion?

Chattastrophe!

Your post is really ambiguous, so it's hard to give an opinion.

It really depends on the details of the situation in question.

hoodwinked

sorry i am finding it hard to explain without giving away private information about the person . i guess i think if you give something (anything) to a child, you should give it to the others also, or at least treat them equally (obviously there can be extenuating circumstances as to why you wouldn't)

but all things being equal,would you treat all your children the same?

January

I know I treat my three the same as much as I can. Birthdays are different I think, they don't all get presents on each others birthday but if I was buying something small for one then the three of them would get one.

There are times when they have to have more attention given though, for instance, my eldest has a heart problem and will be going for major heart surgery this summer, it will take up a lot of time and attention on her and I already find myself worrying about how the others will cope with that. My middle child has sensory and developmental issues and she sometimes needs more attention than the other two also.

But yes, I think as much as possible that you need to treat children equally but that sometimes it's not possible.

Vito Corleone

Heirs before spares.

Chattastrophe!

hoodwinked wrote: »

sorry i am finding it hard to explain without giving away private information about the person . i guess i think if you give something (anything) to a child, you should give it to the others also, or at least treat them equally (obviously there can be extenuating circumstances as to why you wouldn't)

but all things being equal,would you treat all your children the same?

Well ... no. Not necessarily. It all depends on the circumstances, the ages of the children in question, their disposition and behaviour, etc.

I certainly wouldn't have a blanket rule in place that each child would be treated the same. Certainly not. Each child should be treated as an individual, and brought up as such.

Again it's difficult to give a helpful answer without knowing anything about the circumstances.

sopretty

What age are the children you are referring to?

sopretty

Vito Corleone wrote: »

Heirs before spares.

Lol - never heard that one before - it's true though - my big brother was like f'n royalty.

LegacyUser

Its a funny one.
Im one of many and our parents were very inconsistent in terms of treatment. They operated on a "don't ask don't get " basis.
Example one sibling wanted to go to Irish college so that was arranged and also a whole wardrobe of new clothes to go with it.
The next sibling didn't want to go to Irish college and was wearing the same old clothes for most of their teenage life until they had their own money to buy new ones.
It was like it just didn't occur to the parents.

Also know a family where one child needed braces so they went private and the older child felt resentful of the amount of time and money the other one was getting !! Coz getting braces put on is so much fun like. The kid felt they should have 4k spent on them just because.

The most interesting one however was a relative who had one child who was supposed to be "gifted" and the other had a fairly significant learning delay/difficulty (theres probably a name for it now).
No expense was spared for the gifted one.
Special camps during the summer, music classes, art classes you name it.
Never worked during the summers or anything and 6 years of college paid for by the parents.
The other child was left to struggle on alone so to speak. Managed to scrape through the leaving cert, had summer jobs washing pots every year and paid for college herself and got a degree.
I often think the parents shouldve put some effort into helping her, grinds, extra tutition or something couldve made things less of a struggle for her over the years. Maybe they saw it as money down the drain but it just always struck me as odd. a leg up of some kind couldve really made her life more enjoyable but she was just written off at an early age it would seem.

hoodwinked

sopretty wrote: »

What age are the children you are referring to?

any age really, i just never imagined it would cross peoples minds to give to one and not another as it isn't what i am used to, as a parent i'd imagine i would give to all my children as that is what my parents/grandparents have always done,

i know at times parents can have favourate children, but i was wondering how common is it to treat one child better than the others....

Big Bag of Chips

I think when it comes to adult children it gets more complicated. One adult child might be in real need and might ask for help or a loan. Another adult child might be stuck but won't ask etc.

I know my parents help one of my brothers and one of my sisters out a lot, both financially and physically. They don't help me as much, because I don't need them to or don't ask.

They have occassionally helped me out on big money items. But I have paid them back. I don't know if the others pay them back but that doesn't concern me. I do what I feel is right/what I can afford, and I don't think any arrangement they have with my siblings should change that. I don't know if they pay them back or not, but even if they don't, I wouldn't feel right in not paying them back just because they don't.

I'm an adult. Responsible for my own life. I don't expect my parents to help me out or treat me the same as my other siblings. And I'm quite proud of the fact that I am independent and don't need their help. I obviously am very grateful for the times they do help me out. But don't feel entitled to help, financial or otherwise, just because others get it.

As kids, we would all have been treated roughly equally.

Edit: In my husband's family, one sister would regularly ask for money from her parents. We have never asked them for a penny (both pensioners and not well off). They have paid numerous bills for this one daughter, out of 6 children. Rather than feel we should be getting an equal slice I feel sorry for the sister who in her mid-forties cannot manage her money herself and still needs to be bailed out by her elderly parents.

Calmsurrender

Without knowing the backstory to the OP either the parents are favouriting jerks or there's a good reason for why they are doing what they are doing.

If the children are adults it muddies the water a bit.
Some parents play favourites. Or they use gifts to make up for something they lacked. Or sometimes its just the way it works out.
An example would be this : say one child gets married and the parents give money towards a wedding. Then they buy a house and the parents donate to that too. Then they have a baby , first grandchild and all that so a big present is bought.
Mean while other sibling is dating travelling working etc.
Should the parents give them the similar monetary amount each time? What if the other sibling never gets married etc should the parents buy them a car or something ?

Edit: just to add, if the parents paid for one kids wedding and not the others then obviously youd hope there was a good reason for doing so.

DM addict

It's hard to say, honestly.

In terms of same number/value/amount of, say, Christmas presents - yes, keep it equal.

But, too much of 'your sister got this so you're getting one' can lead to a child feel as though they're not being valued as an individual.

I'd say treat equal situations equally, and different situations differently. BUT also try and keep the shares of attention/resources on a generally even keel. So, for example if you've a child with special needs who requires a lot more help with schoolwork, then make sure you set aside some one-on-one time for your other child to help them with something they need assistance with. Or, if one kid needs new football boots because they're on a team, make sure the other one gets a new book/game/something they need.

It's tough to balance though. I find kids have a really strong sense of natural justice. I'd rather treat them differently (and possibly not equally) yet fairly according to their individual needs.

Big Bag of Chips

My kids get anything the need. And quite often get anything they want (!) But to them it might seem like someone is getting more than them. To take the football boots example above... If one of my kids needs new football boots, they will get them. I will not buy something for the others on that day just because one of them got football boots. The one who got the boots needed them. The others wouldn't need a game or a book etc on that day, so I would come home from town with something for 1 child and not the others.

This all balances out over time as the others get things that they need other days and the 'football boots kid' doesn't get anything.

For Christmas this year I spent significantly more on 1 child than on the others. But they all got what they asked for, and more. 1 child's present was quite expensive. The others had asked for not so expensive things. I didn't feel the need to bump up their lists with loads of other stuff to make sure all was equal.

They were all delighted with what they got, and there was no counting up the totals to see who got more.

My kids understand that sometimes I will buy for 1 and not the others. But they realise that their turn always comes around and there will be days where they get something and their siblings don't.

I don't ever buy something that 1 needs, and then buy something for the others just to make it equal... I think that's where the sense of entitlement begins.

hoodwinked

i hope you don't mind me quoting some of your posts as it might helpunderstand where i am coming from a bit more using the examples you gave:

Calmsurrender wrote: »

Without knowing the backstory to the OP either the parents are favouriting jerks

in my personal opinion it is Something like this ^

Calmsurrender wrote: »

Edit: just to add, if the parents paid for one kids wedding and not the others then obviously youd hope there was a good reason for doing so.

seriously though this would be a similar example as i can think of, but its not just as adults this would have happened at all ages.

DM addict wrote: »

It's tough to balance though. I find kids have a really strong sense of natural justice. I'd rather treat them differently (and possibly not equally) yet fairly according to their individual needs.

thank you Fairly is probably a better suited word than equal i should have probably used fairly.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

My kids understand that sometimes I will buy for 1 and not the others. But they realise that their turn always comes around and there will be days where they get something and their siblings don't.

I don't ever buy something that 1 needs, and then buy something for the others just to make it equal... I think that's where the sense of entitlement begins.

maybe i am having difficulty understanding how others do it, as this ^ would be what i am used to, for example, my mum and stepdad bought me my first car, i didn't expect them to but they did and surprised me, but then they bought my siblings first cars, when they became old enough to drive, they didn't give my siblings money when i got mine or me money when they got theirs...but it balanced out fairly,

in the case i've been asked about this is not the case imo and i think it is unfair. so i was wondering what do other parent do? and do other parents feel their children should be treated fairly by them? as usually my opinions are in the minority.

Roesy

Equality was and still is a big thing in our family. There were no such a thing as boy jobs or girl jobs either like there were in some of my friends families. Once I was big enough I was expected to cut the grass or get buckets of coal the same way my brothers would have been expected to do the ware or tidy around the house. In terms of Christmas gifts my mother is still very conscientious about spending equal amounts on us. I think that it's hilarious. The youngest of us is 32, the eldest is 42. All of us are parents ourselves or parents to be. We are not going to be sitting around saying you got a kindle, I only got a jumper and a book They helped me out a little when I built my house and I paid them back. They would do the same for the rest of us if they were in the position to do it when we needed it.

thimble

I'd be going for equitable rather than equal. It will depend on needs to some extent.

Barely There

Children should be treated fairly, not equally.
More than likely they'll be different ages, so treating them equally would be ridiculous.

DM addict

OP - is there any way you can give us an idea of what kind of unequal treatment we're talking about here? It's hard to establish without any context.

As I've said earlier, I think fairly is the way to go, which often means treating unequal situations unequally. But that can lead to a situation coming across as favouritism.