Not invited to cousin's wedding

LegacyUser

Hello everyone. I am a member here but I went unregistered here (as my username would strongly identify me!). Apologies for the length of this, but I feel it's important to leave all the details down.

I am in my early twenties and my immediate family is a brother who is 18 and my mother. My dad died in 2009.

My mother is the eldest of six children. She has never had a good relationship with the rest of her immediate family. Her mother, my grandmother, is a domineering abusive bully and a horrible woman who I would be happy never to have to talk to or see again. My grandmother, as an aside, seems to have a vendetta against me for no reason but she likes my younger brother better. My grandfather, as a contrast, was a saint of a man who loved us all and I greatly admired - albeit he was a bit of a pushover when it came his wife and the below issues and never really had the gall to stand up for my mother.

My mother's sisters (and any children THEY have, by extension - my cousins) have been allowed to treat her like crap for all of her life. She feels as if this is down to resentment by them (she is the only sibling who went out and got a degree and got a good job). There have been various arguments, both minor and major over the last few years about various things and it always seems to be that my mother is ALWAYS treated as if she is the trouble-maker and her complaints aren't justified (a point I would completely disagree with, but maybe I'm biased).

I can't even keep track of the amount of times we have been 'banished' and isolated from the family house and not spoken to over the last decade owing to these squabbles. The most recent was 2006, in which her father (now deceased) told her to get out and even tried to hit her but I stood in his way. But the grandmother and grandfather began talking to my mother again in 2009 as my dad was ill and when he died. For a while, the family relationship seemed to be okay. Until 2010 when I had the big fight with my cousin.

This cousin, I'll call her cousin A, is a few years older than me and has always been EXTREMELY patronising and bossy, as a personality trait. All my life I had had to endure her telling me what to do, bossing me around and treating me like a little child who doesn't know what to do. This day in 2010 we were having Sunday dinner at the family house and she told me, in quite a rude and condescending tone "x, sit down and eat your dinner". Which was fine, I ignored it as I was busy doing something else but was getting slowly angry inside. She repeated it two or three times until I couldn't take it anymore. I said to her in a raised voice to stop telling me what to do, I'm 20 years old now I'm not a child anymore. She shouted back and put on the 'delicate flower' routine and went home prematurely. I was then attacked by her mother, my aunt AND my grandmother and told that I was "not welcome" anymore in that family house. The only one defending me in this fight was my mother. We left and didn't go back at all until my grandfather died a few years after. This cousin deleted me off her Facebook and that was that, I haven't spoken to her since.

This cousin of mine has two sisters, one older (Cousin B I'll name her) and one younger (Cousin C). They weren't there that day and weren't part of that fight at all.

Cousin C, the youngest girl, is getting married in a month or two and neither I nor my brother or my mother have received any invite to the event. I know for a fact that the invites have been sent out and received now (my mother is friends with the groom's family)

I feel this is extremely unfair and petty, as I never had any problems with the other cousins and we always had good relationships. If she had a problem with me for fighting with her sister - which she shouldn't, as it's between me and that sister - then she should at the very least have invited my mother and brother to the event, seeing as they didn't do anything to anyone.

I am extremely furious with Cousin C for doing this to us and am extraordinarily bitter about it. I would like nothing more than to write her a long Facebook message (we are still friends on it) and tell her in no uncertain (and vulgar) terms that she is dead to me for doing that. Would this be a good idea or should I just let my anger stew and leave well alone?

As a side question, I have always been close to one of my other aunts. Our relationship with her was good throughout all of these events. However, in 2011 my mam said something to her which she perceived as insulting and we have not heard from her since. Not a phone call for our birthday or anything. I find this heartbreaking also, because she is my favourite aunt and she is punishing me and my brother for my mother's actions. My mother has been telling me for a year now that I ought to call this aunt and say hello or happy birthday on the relevant date, since she says that the aunt probably thinks our mother is telling us not to call her. I want to, but I'm not sure how to explain our 1 1/2 year absence of communication. Any tips on how to approach this and rekindle our relationship?

So to sum up: Cousin didn't invite me or my branch of the family to her wedding due to a fight I had with her sister. My questions are:
1) What, if anything, should I do about this snub?
2) How would I go about rekindling the friendship with my other aunt?
Many thanks in advance for reading this all and for any advice

Neyite

Its all a big dysfunctional mess really. And I think that you are so deeply entrenched in it, you cant see what is obvious. But I'll come to that later - firstly I'll address your questions:

So to sum up: Cousin didn't invite me or my branch of the family to her wedding due to a fight I had with her sister. My questions are:
1) What, if anything, should I do about this snub?
2) How would I go about rekindling the friendship with my other aunt?
Many thanks in advance for reading this all and for any advice

1. its her wedding - do nothing. Family seems to love when a wedding comes along to dictate to a bride and groom. Chances are she is just doing it for the quiet life and there is no malice intended. At worst, she feels the way her mother and sister feels. So, do nothing. Or if you must do something, be the better person, send a lovely card, after the wedding, wishing her and her husband well in their marriage.

2. Pick up the phone, and call her. Invite her for lunch to catch up. Tell her you are sorry for the lack of contact and you miss her.

But, getting back to the dysfunction. You have a bit of a warped view of it - you all have really. You all have this similar, unhealthy way of creating and continuing drama. Its to your credit that you seem sick of it, but you wanted to react to the invite snub the same way as your family do - get offended, create an argument and snub - your mindset is the same. For example, you say your grandfather was a saint. Well, no, he really wasnt. He was an Enabler to a Narcissist, and handled conflict the same way the rest of you do. And to raise his hand to his adult daughter? That's not saintly. Not at all.

We learn how to handle conflict from our role models - in your case your grandmother and aunts/mother. You and your cousins are already repeating the pattern. Your mother despite being the scapegoat, accepts it and lets them do it to her. Can you stand back and see that?

In one branch of my family, there is a definite pattern in the way the family interact with each other, and luckily, I was a bit removed from it, as they were not nearby. I'd only hear about who feel out with who through the grapevine. But the parent from that side of the family handled their anger the same way, and I learned how to (mis)handle my conflicts from that. But there came a time in my life where I needed to address it, and was able to objectively analyse it and see it all stemmed from a domineering grandmother. And I worked on finding a better way for myself, and not caring if someone decides to snub me. I see my cousins (and their children) now handling conflict the same way through their (admittedly entertaining) passive aggressive Facebook posts to each other. The cycle continues.

Its time to break away emotionally, leave them to their games, and pity them for the inept way they handle differences in the family. Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forword - you'll see how a parent can influence generations of family with their toxicity.

There is a long-running chat thread on another forum, since 2007 about victims of toxic families, which I think you'd find very helpful too.

ted1

Why would you be invited? You don't get on with each other.

homemadecider

Why do you think you're entitled to an invite? It's her wedding, she can invite (and exclude) whoever she likes.

1.
As a side question, I have always been close to one of my other aunts. Our relationship with her was good throughout all of these events. However, in 2011 my mam said something to her which she perceived as insulting and we have not heard from her since. Not a phone call for our birthday or anything. I find this heartbreaking also
2. (we are still friends on it) and tell her in no uncertain (and vulgar) terms that she is dead to me for doing that.

And yet you want to do the same to cousin c for not inviting you to something that you are most certainly not entitled to go to. You're a cousin. If I had a wedding I wouldn't be inviting cousins I don't see too often.
Telling someone in vulgar terms they are "dead to you" for not having a party invitation is a disgusting thing to do, particularly if you don't even know if she's under a lot of family pressure to do it.
You're caught in a cycle of family drama and snubbing and ignoring and you don't seem to know how to stop it. The whole thing sounds utterly exhausting. Step 1 is to wish your cousin well and lay off the dramatics. Send her a card of congratulations and get on with your life.

theoneeyedman

homemadecider wrote: »

Why do you think you're entitled to an invite? It's her wedding, she can invite (and exclude) whoever she likes.

And more to the point, why would you want to go if they are as horrible and evil as described in the op.
forget about it and move on for now I'd say...

AulBiddy

Why would you even want to be invited? It seems like it will just cause more rows and drama.

seamus

When you invite someone to a wedding, you invite their baggage too.

You've had spats in the past with her sister, who will be at the wedding. Your mother has fought with her mother, who will be at the wedding.

Would you invite her entire family to your wedding? I'm willing to bet not.

Cousins are a step outside of the entitlement ring. If it's immediate family then you can feel legitimately aggrieved. If it's cousins, not really. I haven't been invited to a no. of weddings of cousins i get on just fine with. Am I sore about it? No. They're entitled to pick their guest list based on whatever criteria works for them.

Faith

You spend the first half of your post describing an extremely toxic, abusive family who banish you at the smallest perceived slight. Then you spend the second half of your post talking in the exact manner than your toxic family do - wanting to verbally cripple someone for a perceived slight! I'm actually a bit speechless, but I do see that you've just learned faulty thought patterns.

Firstly, I strongly recommend CBT counselling to undo all the crap your family has taught you. There are correct and healthy ways to deal with conflict, but not a single member of your family seems to be aware of them.

Secondly, you have no business being invited to your cousin's wedding. A) it's her day and she can invite who she wants. you are not on speaking terms with the rest of your family, so her inviting you would guarantee tension and fights that would absolutely ruin her big day. C) I'd think you should be delighted to not have to go! Why would you even want to?!

Let it go. Look at it from your cousin's perspective and stop being so self-centred. Take the first step towards correcting your abnormal responses: send her a message on Facebook, telling her you understand why you weren't invited to her wedding and wishing her all the best for the day.

With regards to your aunt, ask yourself seriously: is the only reason you're suddenly interested in rekindling a relationship with her is that you want to increase pressure on your cousin to invite you to her wedding? Or have some kind of leverage within the family by having her on side?

tinkerbell

It baffles me as to how some people think they are entitled to attend a wedding just because they happen to be a relative of the person getting married. Your families haven't gotten on for years - why do you think that just because your cousin is getting married that she'd want your family there?? You need to just get over it and get rid of his chip on your shoulder. Families don't always get along - in fact probably in most families here is some form of drama.

These days, a lot of people don't invite all their cousins unless they are close to them as they either want a smaller wedding or they just can't afford it. For example, what if your cousin had to choose between inviting your family (who her family has had fights with in the past) vs inviting her close friends? It's a no brainer. You are not entitled to be invited to anybody's wedding ever.

hfallada

If I got into a fight with my family years ago. The last place I would want to see them again is at my wedding for the first time in years. It would be unbelievable awkward and create a ton of tension. And why would you want to go to a wedding where you aren't that friendly with anyone.

There are family but not close family. I don't have a strong relationship with my cousins and I don't feel I'm missing out. It's not like I don't like them or have ever had issues. It's just we don't have anything in common. You don't need to like and get on with someone just because they are family.

R.D. aka MR.D

Please don't hassle this girl in the run up to her wedding. She has made the choice not to invite you and you need to respect that.

I agree with the others, she probably wants to avoid the drama. It really all sounds very dramatic.

It almost sounds like you feel your side of the family is being persecuted for no reason but have you got an in depth knowledge of what has happened your mothers whole life? Have you look at the arguments from all sides or have you believed/followed what your mother has been saying?

No matter how flat you make a pancake, it still has two sides.

sopretty

You don't even like them! Would you go to the wedding if invited? I certainly wouldn't!!!!

I've fallen out with one particular set of cousins. They're the begrudging type. Hate to see anyone getting on. One of them got married there a year or so ago. I'd have chewed nails rather than go to her wedding. I wasn't invited anyway :cool:

username123

Faith hit the nail on the head here, you describe a lot of dysfunctional behaviour then go on to wanting to display the same behaviour yourself.

In short, your family and extended family have toxic dysfunctional ways of behaving. You do too. A lot of drama, a lot of storming off and silent treatment for years.

You can't change any of them, only yourself. I suggest you get some good self help books on toxic families and learn about why you behave the way you do. Then maybe try to work on yourself and change your own behaviours, as noted, you have faulty thought patterns, you may need professional assistance to get you through this. Learn how to stop reacting to the dysfunction, stop feeding it, stop generating it.

This kind of drama is like a game of tennis, it can only continue as long as both people continue to serve. Drop the ball, walk away. Someone can't keep arguing with silence.

LegacyUser

Sounds like ye are all in each other's pockets and get the hump fairly easily. highly strung. Then a brief fiery argument. And then silence. And then something else happens to fuel it again. And...its like a circle OP. Its like a game.

Yes - we as individuals need to stand up for ourselves sometimes. But you must pick and choose battles. And how to fight it.

Why dont you try breaking the cycle. And show them something new/positive.
Wish this girl well/send a card from the family.

My guess is that she doesnt want any drama. Something that flows in your family as naturally as water flows in a river. Lets be honest, would you want a potentially explosive situation on your mind the day you get married?

I have to say, also, how you talked back to cousin A that day, did yourself no service. Like passive agressive. When she talked to you like that, what you should have said, in a calm tone, even with a smile is "Cheers-thanks, I will when Im ready". Instead of gettin more wound up and then snapping the head off her. You cant control what she says. You can only control your own actions.

So, please stop playing the sole victim(s) here. You are all as bad as each other in quick fire arguments. Youre seeing this situation (again) as a "getting one over on ye". Which fuels the drama.

Mind your own business, take responsibility for your own business/yourself, and stay out of everything else.

retro:electro

I gave you the benefit of the doubt up until I read the part where you asked should you message your cousin and tell her she is dead to you??? Are you for real?!?
First and foremost you don't even know for certain if the invites are sent out yet, you and your mother are only speculating and gossiping, you don't talk to most of your extended family so how would you know if she sent them yet?
Secondly, why in God's name would you even want to go? If you feel like you have an ok relationship with her then that's grand, arrange a meet up or dinner and congratulate her but her wedding is not the time to drag all her family drama up. She probably didn't invite all of you instead of being petty and nit picking and creating more drama.

If anyone in my family were going through this drama I would suggest the same, invite none of them.
It's her wedding day and you just want to create more drama. Just leave her alone OP and don't go telling anyone they're dead to you for doing what is completely the right thing and not inviting you.

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't been in contact with each other for years. THAT is why you're not invited. Not because you fell out with her sister. You are early 20s. You haven't organised a wedding yet. They are expensive affairs. Guest lists are usually limited to good friends, close family members and a few neighbours. (And you'd be surprised how quick the numbers add up.)

When I got married, I invited 2 families of cousins from my Dad's side. Because I am close to them my whole life. I didn't invite the cousins from another family on my Dad's side because I had no contact with them.. but their parents were invited. (One of those cousins is getting married soon and we're not invited.. but our parents are.) And I didn't invite any cousins from my Mam's side (1 family) because I am not close to any of them.

We were paying for the wedding, and at €40 a head, I didn't feel the desire to invite an extra 9 people (plus a few partners) who I have no contact with and wouldn't ever see.

If you want to reconnect with your cousin, then wait until after the wedding. Doing it now will look like exactly what it is... You fishing for an invitation.

You said you never want to see your grandmother again.. so do you think your cousin should invite you, and not invite your grandmother? Like it or not, everyone else in the family seems to get along, and rightly or wrongly they all ostracise your mam, and feel she is the root of all the arguments. So the others will stick together and invite each other to their functions, and leave the "troublemakers" out of it.

If you would even consider sending your cousin such a vile message, you obviously don't think much of her.. so why on earth do you want to go to her wedding? Just for "show"?? I'm not invited to my cousin's wedding. I have no ill feeling towards him whatsoever. We didn't know each other as kids, but as adults we would be friendly towards each other. When it is his wedding day I will either send him a text or Facebook message wishing him & his bride a lovely day, and a happy marriage.... And I will genuinely mean it. If your first reaction is to send a vulgar message telling her she is dead to you (even though you claim to have always got on well) well then, I would wonder about what sort of person you are, and would understand why your cousin wouldn't want someone so volatile at her day (which will be costing her a small fortune, and which she will want to enjoy, minus the drama)

If you want to get back in touch with your aunt, then call her. It's really that simple.

Chara1001

Why on earth do you even want to go? Not being invited would be a relief to me!
Also if everyone is that dramatic (and childish it seems)- there's a strong chance there'll be fighting at the wedding.

Don't even think of sending your cousin a nasty email- it's petty, small minded and you will regret it. You'll be prolonging this endless family drama, and for what??

Also, you need to wait till after the wedding to catch up with your cousin,
op i'm really sorry but i don't see any big deal here.

LegacyUser

Hi all. Thanks for the replies and for taking the time to read.

homemadecider wrote: »

Why do you think you're entitled to an invite? It's her wedding, she can invite (and exclude) whoever she likes.

seamus wrote: »

Cousins are a step outside of the entitlement ring. If it's immediate family then you can feel legitimately aggrieved. If it's cousins, not really. I haven't been invited to a no. of weddings of cousins i get on just fine with. Am I sore about it? No. They're entitled to pick their guest list based on whatever criteria works for them.

I guess it's just me taking my example from what's happened before all this mess and the relatively 'normal times'. This would have definitely been the type of thing we would be at in more peaceful times - we were content, if not happy at one time with them. I guess I thought that first cousins were an automatic invite group to any wedding. However, I do take onboard what people have said that we aren't close any more and I respect that not all first cousins get invited to events. And that she wouldn't in this case, considering we have grown apart from all this.

Faith wrote: »

With regards to your aunt, ask yourself seriously: is the only reason you're suddenly interested in rekindling a relationship with her is that you want to increase pressure on your cousin to invite you to her wedding? Or have some kind of leverage within the family by having her on side?

Not in the slightest. I couldn't care less if she's going or not. I've no interest at all in discussing the rest of them with her. I just want to talk and have a relationship with her again. Scoring 'brownie points' with the rest of them or fishing for an invite didn't even enter the equation in this regard. She is still my favourite aunt and I just want to reconnect with her again, like we were before.

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Please don't hassle this girl in the run up to her wedding. She has made the choice not to invite you and you need to respect that.

anna080 wrote: »

I gave you the benefit of the doubt up until I read the part where you asked should you message your cousin and tell her she is dead to you??? Are you for real?!?

I will respect it. I think when I wrote this morning I was speaking from anger and rage. I don't think I would realistically have done this, it was just a knee-jerk reaction and to have told her that would cause unspeakable anguish and drama for all involved. I think I will just ignore her and not say anything about her wedding to her. If I'm feeling polite, I might even wish her good luck in it.

badaseachother wrote: »

I have to say, also, how you talked back to cousin A that day, did yourself no service. Like passive agressive. When she talked to you like that, what you should have said, in a calm tone, even with a smile is "Cheers-thanks, I will when Im ready". Instead of gettin more wound up and then snapping the head off her.

In hindsight, yes I would rather have done this. It would have saved a lot of drama to do so and we would perhaps have had a 'semblance' of normality today. But I was just sick of it on the day.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

You all have this similar, unhealthy way of creating and continuing drama.

I should probably add that my mother has informally cut her ties with them completely since the time me and my cousin argued. She has said and I quote "I can't be bothered with them". Her mother still rings her occasionally to chat about stuff (why, I will never know) but that's it apart from that.

ABajaninCork

Shrug your shoulders and keep your money right where it is - in your pocket!

Don't worry about it and don't even think about sending a mail telling the girl she's 'dead to you'. Not only are you lowering yourself to their level of pettiness and drama, but that's bang out of order and very childish.

hardCopy

If you wanted to be invited to the wedding you should have patched things up long ago.

Why would anyone invite a cousin who is feuding with the mother of the bride to their wedding?

ElleEm

There is far too much drama here for you to be p!ssed that you did not get an invite. Your cousin is entitled to have a day filled with love, not negativity and whispers of who said what to whom. She is not obligated to invite anyone. Accept that.
I find it so strange that you would even consider going to the wedding of a person you have not spoken to in years. Families are strange units, but hopefully all of the posts here have made you question your own actions and behaviours. Your mother is a grown woman, and how she functions within her own family unit is her business. You are responsible for YOURSELF. You should really take time to re- read the posts here, particularly Neyite's, Faith's and Username123's. You are coming across as a very immature person, and seem driven by drama. You are in your early twenties, yet you are speaking like a stroppy teen.

thefeatheredcat

AngryCousin wrote: »

I will respect it. I think when I wrote this morning I was speaking from anger and rage. I don't think I would realistically have done this, it was just a knee-jerk reaction and to have told her that would cause unspeakable anguish and drama for all involved. I think I will just ignore her and not say anything about her wedding to her. If I'm feeling polite, I might even wish her good luck in it.

You're still going very much out of your way to make a big big deal out of not being invited to the wedding by deciding to ignore her. She wasn't part of the fight between you and Cousin A, neither was Cousin B, yet you are happy to continue on the dysfunction created by your grandparents into your generation and probably the next generation i.e. the future kids of you and your cousins. You didn't even have an issue with Cousin C until you didn't get an invite, which having considered from both perspectives, seems well reasonable if the bride and groom either have to put up with no parent and siblings of the bride or catfights between grown older women who should know better, either would ruin the wedding for the couple getting married, even just from the stress and tension of it. You're entitled to feel a bit upset about not getting invited but being sour and holding a grudge over it isn't going to get you anywhere.

You are in effect starting a grudge between yourself and Cousin C. Cousin C and you could be the peacemakers of the family - a huge opportunity since you're still on facebook and have the capability to use that to communicate - that could end the feud starting at your generation, rather than continuing the dysfunction that started in your grandparents time and feeding the fuel down to your grandchildren. Yourself and Cousin A could actually get over what has happened if you both wanted to.

AngryCousin wrote: »

I should probably add that my mother has informally cut her ties with them completely since the time me and my cousin argued. She has said and I quote "I can't be bothered with them". Her mother still rings her occasionally to chat about stuff (why, I will never know) but that's it apart from that.

That is your mother's choice to cut ties with all the family and to maintain communication with her mother. You have your own choices to make. Don't feel like you have to go along with it. Or even fuel the feud between the families and keep it going because "that's what we do" or "because that's just the way it is". All families have dysfunction of some sort or other, in this case though Cousin C hasn't really done anything wrong to you other than just not invite you to a wedding for many possible reasons. I don't see the logic in trying to start a war with her over it and continue fueling another generation's hatred.

As for your aunt, though, do get in touch some time in the near future. And I would leave it until after the wedding so that no plans you make with her could be viewed as a negative on you.

I think you should work on dealing with your knee jerk reactions, it can't have been nice even for you to feel so angry about a situation and perhaps you should evaluate methods to deal with anger and other negative emotion triggers.

tbh I'm actually really glad for you that you came on here rather than have sent a message via facebook and I hope that you consider stepping back from the situation again in the future and think on it before you act.

You have an opportunity to wish her well for her wedding..... my advice is do just that. You absolutely can rise above the whole dysfunction that belongs to another generation. It is absolutely futile to continue another generation's spat as you gain nothing from it.

sopretty

OP, I really can't understand the furore.

As I've said, I have cousins who I don't speak to and cousins who I love but rarely speak to.

You don't like them, they don't like you - honestly - cut your losses!!!

What in God's name have you to gain by remaining in contact with them??

LegacyUser

I would agree with a lot of the posts here.
It starts as he said/she said and next thing your involved in a family drama that goes from one generation to the next. You need to step back and remove yourself from the way your family have been acting for years.

I would not send a nasty message to your cousin on facebook re the fact that she did not invite you to her wedding. At a wedding you want the people who are happy for you not the one who could start a fight, get drunk or tell the rest of the guests who is fighting with who.

My advice to you at your age is to work on the fact that you won't be invited to every family wedding. I would also learn from the mistakes that your older relatives have made in regards to each other.
Start to make up your own mind about people. Don't be willing to carry on like your mother and grandmother have in the past. Keep in contact with the cousins you like.

Time Now Please

I'm not been smart or anything but you seem to have a major chip on your shoulder over something or other that you need to address as it seems to be eating you up.

LegacyUser

Time Now Please wrote: »

I'm not been smart or anything but you seem to have a major chip on your shoulder over something or other that you need to address as it seems to be eating you up.

I'm not sure what you mean? You don't know me other than what I've said in this post so that's a bit of rash conclusion to jump to. Ditto to the user who told me I was like a silly stroppy teen and immature. I fail to see how it you two are condemning me when I didn't do anything. Please do tell. Clearly some other people are saints that would let their supposed relatives treat them any way they wish and take it all without even a complaint or question? In fact, it makes it seem like I myself am at fault for this entire thing and that I deserve it all. Sorry if that's 'immature' but I don't know how I'm meant to be?

I am not bitter or angry any more after reading people's replies here. I just say let them do what they want and I am completely indifferent now.

Oryx

To say you are indifferent still sounds petulant and sulky. Maybe not what you meant but comes across that way.

You are not totally at fault, but you are part of the continuing cycle of bitterness in your family. You will be much happier if you can move away from that, but it will take more work than shrugging your shoulders and saying you don't care. You are the only one you can do anything about here, you can't change them. I really do think you should investigate the book and counselling recommendations given here in order to break away from the habits of your family.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

To say you are indifferent still sounds petulant and sulky.

I'm unsure how to feel, then. I have though long this evening and morning and I don't think I am sulking at all, any more. Since I consider the wedding matter closed and have no real desire to untangle the mysteries of my family any more and reach out to them (except my other aunt I mentioned), how else could I feel? Some might say this is forming a grudge but I don't think so and fail to see how it would be so. Nothing will have changed relations wise with the bride cousin.

Flippyfloppy

seamus wrote: »

Would you invite her entire family to your wedding? I'm willing to bet not.

If your answer to this is yes, DON'T. They'd ruin your day.

Take a step back, and realise that you don't belong at that wedding. A large component of your mothers family seem like jerks.

I echo what a pp said, your cousin certainly wouldnt want fights at her wedding. At my wedding I didn't invite anyone who would have made things awkward, last thing I wanted to be worried about while at top table.

I'm sorry but your grandad was not saintly he attempted hit your mother, supersedes any fake niceness before or after.

ETA : when you're organising your own wedding you'll understand the stress and vulnerability that goes with it as a bride. You might understand why your cousin chose to eliminate any chances of stress at her wedding then. Granted it might be hurtful for you now, but honestly it sounds like you are better off without the invite.

Being the scapegoat (as another poster mentioned) is difficult , and can be hard to understand. You can forever try to figure out why, and whether it was something you've done. More often than not the scapegoat can be someone who doesn't fit the mould, had bettered themselves, in your mothers case she educated herself.

Read the mumsnet link. Family dysfunction is out there and very real ; reading that link will help you see that you're not alone and I guarantee you will draw some similarities between your own situation and others on that website.

Do you live in the same area as your extended family? Is the wedding on in that area? Perhaps (quietly) book a nice spa break for yourselves away the weekend of the wedding or head to London or something equally as exciting. Some people might not agree with running away from things like that, but treating yourselves won't hurt.

lazygal

We didn't ask all cousins or aunts and uncles to our wedding. We didn't want a huge wedding, we aren't particularly close to some and others are difficult. No big deal. The hosts do the inviting, not the families or anyone else.

Faith

Cousin wrote: »

I'm unsure how to feel, then. I have though long this evening and morning and I don't think I am sulking at all, any more. Since I consider the wedding matter closed and have no real desire to untangle the mysteries of my family any more and reach out to them (except my other aunt I mentioned), how else could I feel? Some might say this is forming a grudge but I don't think so and fail to see how it would be so. Nothing will have changed relations wise with the bride cousin.

When you're truly okay with a decision, you'll feel calm acceptance and understanding. That's what you should be aiming for, not indifference. Right now, all you've done is tried to sweep your emotions under the carpet instead of aiming to understand why you feel this way, why your cousin didn't invite you, why you responded with rage and why you so strongly desired to hurt her.

I really, really feel that you should look into CBT if you're in a position to. It's beneficial for the best of people, but you have a tainted world view and distorted responses. You'd do yourself a massive favour by learning to undo those damaging reactions and learning new, positive ways of dealing with situations.

/edit: I'm getting married next year and I'm not inviting my cousins, no way! I wouldn't have my aunts and uncles there either only my parents are putting their feet down about that.

LegacyUser

Cousin wrote: »

have no real desire to untangle the mysteries of my family any more and reach out to them

I think you are well and truely missing the point here.

There is a saying "there is no wrong or right in the world, except for how you look at it". i.e., we all have different views and opinions on things that have happened.

Its not untangling the mysteries in your family or "sorting it out". You cant do that. Are you going to sit every relative, whos pissed you off, down and make them see your point of view?

Its untangling the mysteries in you. And how to behave/cope with everything going on around you.

Snapping, internalising rage, silent treatment (this by far in any situation never works - its probably the most useless and passive agressive behaviour you can do "Ill give you the silent treatment to teach you a lesson" never works), horrible comments you wanted to make to your cousin, negativity you feel towards most of your cousins/aunts/grand mother, your mother's situation. Feeling they do things with the sole intention of pissing your part of the family off. This has all become "normal" to you.

Youd be better to deal with this now, and realise things, then for it to keep bubbling away and affecting you, for your life.

Sun in Capri

Sometimes in life, hard and all as it may be, we have to let go and move on, even if this means not having relationships with certain people. Just because we are related to people does not mean that will treat us the way we want or that we will treat them the way they want. Holding on to such anger over the years only does harm to ourselves.

Rubberchikken

I'm probably getting old when i say if it was me involved in all of this i'd be glad i wasn't invited.

It's way too much drama for my liking. Honestly i fail to understand people who treat people as your relations have.

Be the bigger person. Avoid any conflict with them. Rise above it all.