Am i selfish to ask for this?

LegacyUser

Hi, i need some people perspective on this.

Currently My ex and I have an court ordered mediated agreement regarding access to our child.

The agreement was i would have our child every second Saturday and a mid week visit every week. This was agreed last may.

Now this worked up until last winter when the clocks went back,this cut into ur mid week time and when our child would go asleep so it was agreed that we would change the visits to every Saturday and take away the mid week visits.

This has been working so far,however due to having our child every Saturday it hasn't given me much time at the weekends to do things like get started on building a new life like meeting someone and start dating and do things at the weekend(i was dating someone last summer but that ended pretty soon after we after we went to court so i didn't really see the benefits or having the every second Saturday i.e. whole weekend to myself.

What i want peoples opinion on is,is it selfish of me to ask can we go back to the old system,which is the actual court agreement? Now don't get me wrong,i love or child and want to spend as much time with them as i can but i have been thinking a lot lately and think its time i start to build a new life for myself and don't feel i can if i have them every Saturday.

Can you guys offer an constructive advise or suggestions?

any comments help

Penny Tration

Tbh, I can see where you're coming from, but at the same time, it's once a week. You have six other days to build a new life. What about your ex? She has one day to herself per week. How is she supposed to build a new life if you can't do it with six?

iusedtoknow

have you thought about what is best for the child? Does he enjoy seeing you every Saturday? If so then TBH...I think you should continue. You changed it already to suit yourself and now want to changed back to suit yourself. Think about your kids best interests - not yours.

tinkerbell

Yes you are being selfish. You have the child one day a week - your ex has the child six days a week. People have to make sacrifices when they have children - you can't just decide that it doesn't suit you anymore.

If you "can't build a new life for yourself" with six days a week free, then you ain't gonna build much else with seven days free. This isn't about you - it's about what is best for the child.

LegacyUser

Ehhhh........,I think you should have a chat, seems like you can both be level headed........don't think you're being selfish at all. How about every second Friday night into sat lunch, and every sat night into sun lunch? That way whatever you do with him/her on sat can be done every week on sat? Just at different times..........it's unfair and unrealistic for posters above to simply say what about the mum she has a child 6 days a week.......unfortunately Irish law is on the mums side, they get custody 99% of the time, and dad gets whatever days mum deems him worthy of.

Have a chat, try sort it out amicably, I'm sure she wouldn't mind a bit of variety in her days too, as might the little one.

December2012

You can't go out on Friday nights?

Hoboo

Why have people missed the word constructive? Why is everyone up in arms over a Sat night? Surely they could share?

MagicMarker

You can ask, if it suits both parties then there's no problem.

I really don't understand how having your kid on a Saturday is stopping you from doing whatever else you want to do though?

Tokyo

Hoboo - you're welcome to offer up your own opinion of the OP's situation, as is everybody else. You don't have to agree with them, but you don't get to shoot them down either. Seeing as this is your first time posting in the PI forum, I'd like to direct you towards the forum charter before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

have you thought about what is best for the child? Does he enjoy seeing you every Saturday? If so then TBH...I think you should continue. You changed it already to suit yourself and now want to changed back to suit yourself. Think about your kids best interests - not yours.

Hi op here

I should just say I didn't change it to suit myself, please read my post,we changed it as it suited our child better as the clocks going back effected our child and their sleep pattern,it was best for them but now the clocks have gone forward I would like to change it back to what we agreed originally

Yes my child's mother has her 6 days a week but out of this she has our child and I don't and would trade places with her in an instant but unfortunately I can't do that and have to think about my future now as we'll,how am I suppose to try and build a new family when I have my child very Saturday,this is my dele a and that why I would like advice

I would like to thank everyone for commenting so far though

MagicMarker

Am I selfish wrote: »

Hi op here

I should just say I didn't change it to suit myself, please read my post,we changed it as it suited our child better as the clocks going back effected our child and their sleep pattern,it was best for them but now the clocks have gone forward I would like to change it back to what we agreed originally

Yes my child's mother has her 6 days a week but out of this she has our child and I don't and would trade places with her in an instant but unfortunately I can't do that and have to think about my future now as we'll,how am I suppose to try and build a new family when I have my child very Saturday,this is my dele a and that why I would like advice

I would like to thank everyone for commenting so far though

What's stopping you from building a new family now?

sadie06

OP, you have asked if you are being selfish, so I hope you are prepared for honest answers. Yes, I think you are being selfish. Any new life you build for yourself has to accommodate your child. You say you love seeing your child, so surely in the long run you should be pursuing more, not less access.

If you really see parenting every Saturday as an obstacle to building a new life for yourself, would your ex be open to Sat one week, Sun the next? It just seems like so little as it is.

ash23

Am I selfish wrote: »

Hi op here

I should just say I didn't change it to suit myself, please read my post,we changed it as it suited our child better as the clocks going back effected our child and their sleep pattern,it was best for them but now the clocks have gone forward I would like to change it back to what we agreed originally

Yes my child's mother has her 6 days a week but out of this she has our child and I don't and would trade places with her in an instant but unfortunately I can't do that and have to think about my future now as we'll,how am I suppose to try and build a new family when I have my child very Saturday,this is my dele a and that why I would like advice

I would like to thank everyone for commenting so far though

Op I have my child 24/7. No father involved. My boyfriend has his child every weekend. We make it work. The kids come ahead of everything. But we still make time for our relationship and everything else. There are 6 other nights a week you can go on dates. 6 other days too for hobbies or socialising. Saturday night isnt the be all and end all.

jane82

You are building your and your childs new life. Remember that. If a girl isnt interested because you cant go clubbing on a saturday night forget her.
Its only a few years of your life that they are babies enjoy it as much as you can. Your child may thank you for it one day when shes wiping your bum because you re too old and infirm to do it yourself.

charlietheminxx

Sorry OP but I think it's selfish. Children shouldn't be looked at as being in the way of you building a life, they should be a focal part of it. It's one day a week, you should be relishing that time with your child. There is nothing to stop you meeting someone new and extending your family, but you already have a family i.e. your child with your ex and you need to accept it and make sure anyone new in your life can do the same.

Hoboo

mike_ie wrote: »

Hoboo - you're welcome to offer up your own opinion of the OP's situation, as is everybody else. You don't have to agree with them, but you don't get to shoot them down either. Seeing as this is your first time posting in the PI forum, I'd like to direct you towards the forum charter before posting again.

Regards,
Mike

Read and understood. Didn't mean to shoot anyone down. Feel the OP has been bombed down though with nothing constructive, fair or balanced. Warning noted, I'll be more careful in future.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you keep her overnight ever? Does she stay with you on Saturday nights now? An option that might work for you is every 2nd weekend, for the full weekend. Fri-Sun. That way you get a weekend "off" every 2 nd weekend. You could still see her one midweek day in between.

sadie06

OP, our posts crossed there. I'm sorry, but I really don't see your dilemma. As you explain it, your dilemma is that you can't get things done, and build a new life and relationship when you have to be a parent for 24 hours at the weekend.

How do people who work all weekend every weekend build lives and meet people? Presuming you work regular hours, you have 6 nights a week free and one day a week. It is my opinion that you can't claim that you would swap places with your partner in an instant, while also wishing to reduce your access to a couple of hours one evening a week and every second weekend.

Yes, I realise that it is reverting to the court ordered plan, but a lot of fathers would be so thankful for the increased access, they wouldn't dream of rocking the boat for fear of losing it!

Opishere

Hi everyone op again,had to creat and account to post for some reason

Thanks everyone for your feedback,it's seems I am being selfish thinking of changing the access back to the original agreement,I now feel like a lousy father for thinking it in the first place.

Mods if you could close the thread,I don't require it anymore

Meauldsegosha

I don't understand how having your child on a Saturday prevents you from dating. Thousands of people are in the same situation and manage to date and form happy, healthy relationships.

My boyfriend has a child but doesn't have a set day/night to have her. We just arrange to meet on the other nights. Having your daughter once a week is not a barrier to you starting a "new life".

I don't think you are selfish maybe just confused as this is probably all new to you. Good luck with it.

Dellnum

No, OP, I don't think you are being selfish for wanting every second Saturday night to yourself or to do whatever you want to do. Saturday night is the best night of the week for socializing and I do think you are entitled to every second Saturday to do this if you want to. I see no reason why you can't go back to the old regime, if your ex agrees with it. I am sure you could work out something that is agreeable to you both, giving both of you flexibility to swap days around when desirable. It doesn't have to be the same days every week or weekend, so long as you see your child twice a week.

December2012

Opishere wrote: »

Hi everyone op again,had to creat and account to post for some reason

Thanks everyone for your feedback,it's seems I am being selfish thinking of changing the access back to the original agreement,I now feel like a lousy father for thinking it in the first place.

Mods if you could close the thread,I don't require it anymore

I'm not sure you're being selfish - in my opinion you're considering your options.

I think children flourish best when they're in a routine. For that reason it may suit your child best to see you on Saturdays.

But that does not and should not stop you from having a social life. Are there really no other nights you can go out? Nobody to go out on Friday or Thursday? Sunday?

Parents of all sorts have to adjust their social lives to suit kids - but we work to find a way around it. To make sure the best is bring done by the kid while also looking after ourselves.

I really think you should make the best if the time that you do have.

Neyite

Closed at OP's request