Breast cancer

LegacyUser

Hi,
I have been recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
im 33 and need to go through bilateral mastectomy, dont have a choice and dont have much time either. for the past month, i have been hiding my head in the sand, pretending i was ok and nothing happened. But now that the surgery is getting closer, i am finding hard to cope.
Any other ladies out there that went through the same experience? Not sure what I am looking for.... I dont have family here so not sure how will I arrange after surgery care either. Bit of a tough situation and I am struggling to find some motivation to even get out of bed.
mods feel free to move if needed

Taltos

Hi OP - think you are in the right place. As you know though we can't offer medical advice, but we can offer moral support.
Will leave the thread as is - thanks for checking, and sorry to hear your news.

December2012

Hi OP,

I'm very sorry for you, you certainly have a lot on your plate.

Have you spoken with the Irish Cancer Society? http://www.cancer.ie/cancer-information. They have nurses who can speak you from Monday to Friday who may be able to answer your questions.

Do you have health insurance? They may gave post operative care available.

And do your family know? Allow every person who can and will give you help and support, to give you help and support.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Hi OP - think you are in the right place. As you know though we can't offer medical advice, but we can offer moral support.
Will leave the thread as is - thanks for checking, and sorry to hear your news.

thank you, no need for medical advice. just advice on how to cope with this from whoever has experienced something similar... my situation is very hard with no family and no support network, I have never missed a day at work since the diagnosis even got myself a promotion. I am putting on a brave face and telling the only few people that know that I am ok. but i am not. thank you

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

Hi OP,

I'm very sorry for you, you certainly have a lot on your plate.

Have you spoken with the Irish Cancer Society? http://www.cancer.ie/cancer-information. They have nurses who can speak you from Monday to Friday who may be able to answer your questions.

Do you have health insurance? They may gave post operative care available.

And do your family know? Allow every person who can and will give you help and support, to give you help and support.

My brother knows, havent told my mum. She is not well and no need to worry her when there is nothing she can do. I have problems opening up to people as i know this is a difficult situation and people dont know what to do or how to help and dont want to make them feel uncomfortable so i tend to act like im ok all the time but its taking its toll. I go to work every day and im studying. I have issues leaning on people but its not like I have anybody to lean on at the moment. Surgery is getting closer, I have postponed it to allow me to finish college but then I have to do it, no choice. The cancer could get invasive and spread. im not a ticking bomb but I cant sit on this, thats what I have been told. I have health insurance thank God and I am looking at convalescence homes which is real sad I suppose. I have contacted the cancer helpline and try to post on their forum but my account has not been activated yet. I feel real isolated now... thanks for your reply

Merkin

dont know what to do wrote: »

thank you, no need for medical advice. just advice on how to cope with this from whoever has experienced something similar... my situation is very hard with no family and no support network, I have never missed a day at work since the diagnosis even got myself a promotion. I am putting on a brave face and telling the only few people that know that I am ok. but i am not. thank you

Are you close to anyone m'dear? You don't have to put on a brave face for everyone. It's important to open up and have a good cry if there is a friend that you can trust if you feel in need of letting it all out.

I don't know if this would be of help to you, but there's a support network available who have been through what you are going through and it may help to talk to someone who has been where you are now? Here's a link: http://www.cancer.ie/how-we-can-help/support/survivors-supporting-survivors

Wishing you a speedy recovery xx

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Are you close to anyone m'dear? You don't have to put on a brave face for everyone. It's important to open up and have a good cry if there is a friend that you can trust if you feel in need of letting it all out.

unfortunately nope.... I have told one girlfriend but she has not bothered asking me how I am doing or asking me to go for a coffee or even for lunch. i regret telling her... She only talks to me sometimes when I am sitting at my desk trying to work and obviously its not the right place to do this so I end up changing the subject... that's it. Another male friend knows and he has tried to be supportive, taking me out to dinner at times but i find it hard to do his head in with this all the time. I am afraid to push people away as I know that if you have gone through this there are no words nothing you can say could make sense. At times I am even too tired to go to work but I do it anyway as I am grateful I have a job that keeps me real busy and distracted... and I am real good at it..
I just think and I amy even be wrong that if a friend told me something like that, I would want them to know I am here, i dont know, a text, an email, a phone call, a coffee or lunch together , offer to go to med appointments, asking for details of the surgery and offer to help. But maybe I am asking too much.. as I said I feel alienated and isolated from the others...

Semele

https://forum.breastcancercare.org.uk/t5/Younger-women-and-families/Younger-Breast-Cancer-Network-UK-online-support-for-young-women/td-p/733343

This link has a discussion and another link to a closed Facebook group for young women with breast cancer. You have to message them and request to join. Although they are UK based it is an amazing support group (I slightly know a woman who is very involved with it- I met her through work and she is keen to promote it to others in need) and they will be able to share experiences with you. The group was set up due to the fact that the founding member felt she had little in common with the older women she was meeting through clinics/general support groups etc. Investigate the group- they will be at the same stage of life as you and so be able to help emotionally. Best of luck.xx

Edit: just looked again at that site I linked to and about 7 posts down she specifically says they are open to young women from Ireland too, so definitely check it out.

sullivlo

OP,

So sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Cancer is a bitch.

I can't offer much, but I can suggest ARC cancer support. They're pretty amazing by all accounts. Also, if it's not too raw, Evelyn O'Rourke (a radio presenter) has recently published a book on her experience with BC - it's called Dear Ross and it may be a comfort in the coming weeks / months.

I hope you feel you can "talk" on the thread about your situation. Strangers can be a helpful bunch.

Thinking of you in this tough time.

LegacyUser

Hi op,I'm in the exact same situation cervical cancer though and no family support whatsoever and also going through a break up.i too cannot open up to people and feel this is the worst time to try change who I am it's so overwhelming...but the reason I am posting is because I would have no problem at all chatting with you/meeting you/just being an ear! I dunno,but the offer is there,your attitude is great but I know you are hurting inside..I'm early 30s too..

LegacyUser

sullivlo wrote: »

OP,

So sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Cancer is a bitch.

I can't offer much, but I can suggest ARC cancer support. They're pretty amazing by all accounts. Also, if it's not too raw, Evelyn O'Rourke (a radio presenter) has recently published a book on her experience with BC - it's called Dear Ross and it may be a comfort in the coming weeks / months.

I hope you feel you can "talk" on the thread about your situation. Strangers can be a helpful bunch.

Thinking of you in this tough time.

thank all of you for your responses. This is suddenly getting all so real. I cant believe its going to be me in a few weeks. I hate the idea of having to check in a home for after surgery care. It sort of makes you realize you have been a failure at life, you have been unable to get anybody to care enough about you to want to help and go through this with you. I dont want to burn people out so maybe that's why i dont open up. On top of that, this is my third cancer diagnosis. it looks like i might have a rare genetic syndrome that causes predisposition to cancer. I am just so hopeless and tired and alone. I have gone to the ARC before but the thought of going through that door makes me feel physically ill. also its across the mater where i am being seen, just getting anywhere near that area causes me to panic.

LegacyUser

I am sorry to hear about your cancer.
I have a friend who works as a cancer nurse and they told me that remaining positive is a big help long term. I think at the moment you don't want to tell people after how one person reacted but you need to know that you are entitled to have some help/support from people.
Have you told your boss in work or any more of your co-workers as you may find that someone you hardly know could be a great help/support to you at the moment.

I would contact arc and the cancer society.
If you look up www.cancer.ie there is a lot of information there. You can also ring
Freefone 1 800 200 700 - where you can talk to a specialist nurse Mon-Thur 9am -7pm
and Fri 9am-5pm.

LegacyUser

Same situation wrote: »

Hi op,I'm in the exact same situation cervical cancer though and no family support whatsoever and also going through a break up.i too cannot open up to people and feel this is the worst time to try change who I am it's so overwhelming...but the reason I am posting is because I would have no problem at all chatting with you/meeting you/just being an ear! I dunno,but the offer is there,your attitude is great but I know you are hurting inside..I'm early 30s too..

Thank you so much!! I'd love to have a chat with you. Funny thing if you can call it that, I'm going through a break up too after 10 years together, I have finally decided to respect myself and get out of a cycle of emotional abuse. My oh just said to me tonight. He doesn't love more. It did hurt but I have been aware for a long time. Better now than after the surgery where I may be all torn up and upset and needy and fall back into that trap. So now on top of everything I'm moving out, don't know where yet! I feel this isn't real, this isn't happening to me. Third cancer, dad my only support dies 3 years yesterday of lung cancer, so many emotions running through my head and just one wish throw the towel in.

LegacyUser

I am sitting now looking on daft for a place to move to. this is the worst situation I could find myself in. at few weeks left before the surgery im suddenly on the street, looking for a room in a house share situation. This is going to be so humiliating and sad. just as sad as checking into a convalescence home. I am toying with the idea of not doing the surgery, sit back and let things take its course. I know I would sign my death penalty if I did, but now like now I am struggling to find a reason to keep going. I will have NOBODY at the hospital, nobody picking me up or assisting me. This is sooooo sad. what a horrible person I must have been to not get anybody to love me, to get the boyfriend i have been with 10 years saying to me he doesnt love me anymore. Kinda of have the feeling he was staying out of pity, which drove me insane with anger and resentment. I am screwed in every sense of the word.

Merkin

Could you stay with your brother in the short term?

LegacyUser

Merkin wrote: »

Could you stay with your brother in the short term?

No way, brother is back home and he lives too in a house share situation so no chance. I am literally stuck now, so I am toying with the idea of postponing this, once I will have a more stable life

loloray

dont know what to do wrote:

I will have NOBODY at the hospital, nobody picking me up or assisting me.

I will visit you OP.

LegacyUser

loloray wrote: »

I will visit you OP.

THANK YOU
I never thought i would find myself in this situation, this is stuff you see in the movies and instead its me. I will have to move out, I will have to look for a room, convalescence home and start my life again. this is soooooooo sad and I dont really know what to do next.

LegacyUser

Your thread has really hit me and though I am normally a lurker, I just can't help it, I gotta respond as there are so many common traits with my experience ... Warning : I'll try to be as concise as I can,  but it might be a long post.  Sorry.

A summary of my own story ...
I was 29 years of age when diagnosed with breast cancer 18 years ago. Engaged to be married,  full of the joys of life,  a career in full flight in a job/company I loved,  everything was going wonderfully when the news was broken to me.
I had a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. 

My frame of mind at the time ...
I started off analysing what I could have done/eaten on a regular basis in order to cause such cell damage in my body. But when I started wondering whether my toothpaste could have done it, I quickly realised that trying to find a reason was futile and energy should be spent going forward rather than looking back. 

So,  I underwent operation/treatment and went back to work a month after finishing radiotherapy! (I had sat an interview between being diagnosed and treated and couldn't wait to start in my new role).


During the treatment and for a few years after ...

The morale was pretty upbeat and I could give anyone any detail on the symptoms, diagnosis, treatments ... but I just couldn't talk about how I felt !

The other thing I just couldn't do was to plan further than a few weeks ahead of time.  

But as time went by, I regained some confidence and reacquainted myself with leading a "normal" life of planning for holidays,  a wedding,  etc ...

It took a while longer to be able to talk about my inner feelings but I think it's quite logical.


After the first round ...

.. I had 7 years of peace and quiet on that front before I relapsed with metastases and for the past 5 years, I have been on constant full strength chemotherapies (14 courses with an approx 3 month break in between ). It's tough, the side effects are somewhat cumulative but I am still happy with my life : I am able to do what I want to do, when I want to (at my own pace) having slightly adjusted my views on life : what hasn't been done today can be done tomorrow.  :-) There are other illnesses that do not allow people to do this.


I have to add that I also am wonderfully lucky to have a fantastic support network around me ; my husband has been a rock all throughout,  my parents and friends have been fabulous as well as company/colleagues/people in general. 


Of course,  there are some differences with your story.

I don't know if the following points are good advice but this is what I would tell my best friend if she found herself in your shoes :

- You are 36 years of age ... your life is far from being over. You have many more happy years ahead of you - please do not postpone/cancel treatment/procedures !!! Obviously,  the longer you wait,  the worst the prognosis becomes.

- Medicine has advanced greatly and they manage to cure this type of cancer in a lot more cases than they did even 20 years ago. (I didn't want to talk about my relapse first not to discourage anyone ; however,  it has had a big impact on my outlook on life and I couldn't really omit mentioning it).

- Your relationship has just fallen apart. Very big news have just hit both of you and I just can't help wondering if your partner hasn't reacted "this way" not knowing how else to react and subconsciously trying to "protect" himself by "running away" from it all.  Everyone reacts differently. Unless the relationship was not heading the right way previously,  I would have a big chat with him before throwing these 10 years away. 

- You have a job you enjoy (complete with promotion - well done!). Something to look forward to when you are finished talking to the doctors!   :-)

- You haven't told your Mum. I understand she might have her own health issues,  but please do tell her. She will be able to cope with it - your news isn't "final", it's just a bump on the road for now. By not telling her, first of all,  it'd take her longer to forgive you when she hears about it at a later stage.  Also, you are depriving yourself of a support line. Of course, it depends on your relationship with her, but a Mummy's affection is very important for the head!  :-)

- Some people above mentioned some Internet resources in guise of support and source of information ... now, I'd be very weary to advise similar outlets.  You can find any type of rubbish on the Internet : theories about causes/treatments,  statistics,  etc ... You are one individual case and you don't want to be influenced by unverified stuff you read on the Internet. Also, you have no idea about the qualifications of people giving you advice (eg I have none myself,  just experience).  You also have just come into this situation and are probably most vulnerable. 

It's just like you have just joined a new religion : trust your specialist,  ask him the questions you have on your mind and only check specific things on the Internet (a specific drug's side effect for example). 

- As far as a support network is concerned, I can't really advise anything else than the local Cancer Care type of organisations. I know some offer some complementary therapies such as massages, meditation, yoga ... whatever you are into or tempted by. 

Maybe you need to see a councillor. 

Maybe you want to start a totally new hobby to meet and befriend other people unrelated to the medical environment you are going to frequent regularly. It's all down to you and your preferences. 

As mentioned above, I am spoiled on this side of things in addition to being very strong and didn't require any parallel support. 

Probably because this is the way I am, but I also have "avoided" making friends with people in similar situations at the hospital. It might sound selfish but,  to me, it's called self preservation. And this for various reasons : the treatment is tailored for your own situation and side effects are very different from one person to another - no point in comparing.  Another reason is that,  unfortunately,  not all stories have a happy ending and I don't particularly want to expose myself needlessly to these situations.  And finally,  you always have people who dwell on their best friend's great-aunt's grand-mother who had the same problem and died last week ... It's not a case of putting your head in the sand, the rest of real life has its own problems and in addition to what you have to contend with, it's enough.


Phew ... it's not even a long post any more, it's a thesis ! :O

So many things to say ....

I just hope that this post will bring you some comfort and reassurance. 

I suppose it can be summarised as :

- keep the chin up and look ahead

- deal with each issue separately,  yet put your health first

- be kind to yourself and ...

- spoil yourself,  you deserve it :-).

travellingbid

I would visit you too.

You poor thing. What a terrible time you are going through. My pity is of no use to you but if you'd like to share some more info about your location etc maybe I or someone else on here can put you in contact with someone who can help with everything that's going on in your life.

loloray

dont know what to do wrote: »

THANK YOU

At the risk of being punished by mods - I do understand that this is against the charter, and why that rule is there - perhaps they can turn a blind eye this time. . .
OP, I am very much serious, please contact me today/tomorrow/any time over the next few months and I will visit you.

LegacyUser

I want to say thanks to everybody that took the time to respond. I went to work today and now I feel like I am coming on with the flu, I know I may sound a moaner but I hate that and hate not being able to go to the gym. Spent the last two days in a sort of mad angry mood. If I could have hopped on a plane and move to the other side of the world without telling anybody I would have done it. But then I came to my senses and tried to be lucid and rational if you can say that. The only 'friend' that knows this has been avoiding me ever since I told her. She must be confused, she doesn't know what to say, I dont know. i do recall other people in similar situations that had friends pulling away from them. I suppose they were not real friends and it's not a major loss. I can't help thinking that I would have at least ensured that my friend knew I was here for them, to listen, to go to hospital together. I would have been interested in the details and offered any practical and emotional help I could have given. Well at least I hope I would have been like this... dead tired now, another sleepless night behind me, so hope to catch an early one tonight.
I will not be able to tell my mum as she is not in the condition to understand, she has personality disorders and she is unable to support herself never mind me.
as for the partner, I have not been a precious saint this weekend, got angry and was moody and just snapped out few times. He is not the kind of person that backs off under any circumstances so we just bit each other heads off raw. It was awful, he certainly deserves a quieter life.. I regret massively the things I said but you cant re write history, damage is done. thank you again all of you, you are all very kind and supportive. Glad I posted this, even letting some of the emotions out is sort of helping tidying up my thoughts. thanks.

CathyMoran

Different situation, different cancer, was 32 when diagnosed but I did have only one really close support when I was diagnosed with oesophageall over 7 years ago (my then on/off partner, we married 2 weeks post chemo) - mother was seriously ill so not much family support. I did find that cousins were great and filled in gaps - still close to them to this day.

Allow yourself something nice to look forward to after each treatment, whatever it may be. Best wishes.

LegacyUser

Thank you. I am trying to be kinder to myself and allow me some space and time. I didnt feel like going to the gym today as I am coming on with the flu and I didnt get overly upset over my 'lack of discipline'. Anything I do for me, like spending money just for me, money that I earn and work for, makes me feel guilty. I am dying to get a decent haircut and maybe some highlights and I feel sooooo guilty spending this money on me, on something that is not necessary. this is so stupid and I know it, if a friend told me that, Id' tell her to stop it and look after herself, but when it comes to me I allow myself nothing. I am so harsh on myself, on the way I look, on the person that I am, on everything. Suppose it all comes from being brought up by a mum, which was sick, and always made remarks to me like : your dad's mum got morbidly obese after her pregnancies, you look a lot like her, let's hope you don't end up like her... or jeez why do you dress like that? these clothes are so unfeminine, you should get something done with your hair, look at mine, they are perfect, but sure you are a lot like your father and his family with sh*tty hair... stuff like that which took me years to get over from... it's not her fault, she is not well and she is in a tough situation now, but I cannot move on from that. Everything I get from people, I second guess how much I deserved it and ask myself if they are doing it out of pity or because they really love me... I am a disaster, sorry for ranting, hope you will not judge these nonsense feelings..
I have written a letter to my partner asking for forgiveness for my actions and words this weekend. I dont want him to stay because I have NOBODY, but I owe him a heartfelt apology no matters what, as nothing can justify such behaviour ever, regardless of what you are going through..
feeling so bad I wasted the weekend being in this mood instead of putting my feet up and relaxing or studying for my exams. I should have known better but I had NO strenght, no interest, just a rush of angry feelings and emotions that I was uncapable of controlling.
Finally, the only girlfriend that knows told me she was going to take a short lunch today as she was busy, I saw her leaving at 13.00 with another friend and coming back an hour later. Jeez I don't get it and I will stop asking her out as obviously she is mad uncomfortable with this situation. I know I might sound different from what you read here, but I am not a moaner, I really strive to stay strong and not burn people out and I feel bad when the conversation is only focused on me so, after few minutes, I change the subject and talk about something else, so I really don't get why she is avoiding me as If I had the pest..
it's not like I am infected. But I will never ask her again and won't tell her any more details.
Felt like i have let in such a personal and private part of my life a person that did not want to be there. My initial choice was not telling her but then she insisted and I figured out ' what the hell, maybe she wants to know because she cares ' silly silly me...
thank you, all of you, again . every response has been comforting and much appreciated

Neyite

loloray wrote: »

At the risk of being punished by mods - I do understand that this is against the charter, and why that rule is there - perhaps they can turn a blind eye this time. . .
OP, I am very much serious, please contact me today/tomorrow/any time over the next few months and I will visit you.

I'm afraid we cannot turn a blind eye.

It's a rule exactly for emotive situations such as these that we have the rule prohibiting posters from asking the OP to pm them in place. We cannot prevent people from messaging each other privately using the Private Message function outside of the forum but on thread its not permitted to ask the OP for a pm.

We have no way of verifying who anyone is on the internet, which is rife with scams and sob-stories. It is also in place to protect people who are vunerable in a scary situation, where due to their distress, they may not be thinking clearly and trust people who abuse that trust.

I am not saying this is the case here at all. But we have no way of knowing or checking if something is genuine or not - whether it be a distressing situation, or a genuine offer of assistance.



In addition, there is a long term illness forum where posters can support each other and discuss experiences. There is also a waiting for Breastcheck thread in The Ladies Lounge that may be of interest.

LegacyUser

Im sorry if this was in the incorrect forum, Please feel free to move it and sincere apologies

Tramps Like Us

op do not put off treatment