Perception of women with Children..

HotHHead

I'm afraid to write this anywhere else!! so testing the waters here...

I've decided to end my 7 year relationship with my partner, we have 1 child together hes 3. I had a son when I met him so as I now had 2 children from two different men.My eldest son is 11. Both long term relationships however how will people percieve me?
Will they feel sorry me?
Run a mile!!?
Think hey I'm in here...!

I always wanted a big family so deciding on this split has been very difficult but its a long time coming, I will not go on to have a third child with someone else, so my baby making days are over, which is very sad for me..

Is there many people out there in the 30's who don't want children but would sette with someone who has children?

I don't plan or want to meet anyone any time soon, suppose I'm just thinking about everything, obviously my priority is my boys now but just thinking you know what will the future hold for me

meeeeh

I think it will be hard to get opinions of mostly female posters on what men would do in your case. And even men can't speak for other men. If I would meet a man with two kids with different partners I would have to be seriously head over heals inlove to bother pursuing a relationship. It could be just too much hard work and it would also very much depend on his relationship with former partners.

I'm not sure the perception is as much of a problem as the practicality of situation.

wallycharlo

Biggest problem I would have personally is not with the stigma etc as such but more with the fact that it's going to be pretty cramped if the other 2 fathers wish to play an active role.

Snoopy1

Well im female in my 30's. No intention of ever having children. I would not date someone with children.
Probably not helpful but thats my point of view.

eviltwin

I'm female, late 30's and a man with kids wouldn't be an issue for me but then I already have kids of my own so maybe that is why. I think its hard for a childless person to get involved with a parent, the dynamic probably works better if you both come from the same place.

I wouldn't say its too much of an issue, lots of people I know are parents in second relationships and never had any problem meeting partners. Its more common now in your 30's than it used to be, your're very unlikely to meet someone in their 30's without that kind of emotional baggage be it kids or an ex spouse.

I certainly don't think your destined to be single forever, there are probably lots of men out there in the same situation. Sorry your going through such a difficult time and hope you are okay xx

username123

I think it totally depends on the person!

Id never get involved with someone with children (unless they were adult children) as I dont want any myself and definitely dont want to be mammy to someone elses.

But its different strokes for different folks, I know a guy who married someone who already had kids with someone else, he also had kids with someone else, then they went on to have kids of their own and now he just treats ALL the kids as his kids and brings them on trips and activities and youd never see him without a child in tow - he just loves it!

There will be plenty of single men with kids of their own as you go through your 30s and 40s with divorces or break down of relationships etc...

Roesy

Depends on the person really. My sister in law had a 4 year old when she got together with my brother. A good friend met her now husband while she was pregnant with her first child.

singledad80

I wouldn't worry about it to much my wife left me she has one child with me and one from another relationship before we met, she already has oh and it does not matter to him the kids ages are teenager and a seven year old, So it depends on the man I my self would not care if you like some one and willing to give it a try then so be it but just be careful about the kids meeting the oh so soon it may cause problems like breaking things and stuff

Femme_Fatale

My brother's lady has a teenage son. But he still asked her to marry him!
My brother that is, not the son. :pac:

As you get older you'll meet people who are aware that people they meet and like could have child(ren) and/or be previously married/in a very long-term relationship. And there will be those in this situation themselves.
It's nothing unusual. If you really like someone, you want to make things work.

HotHHead

My x had children also when I met him and the stress of having to deal with a crazy x, is just well STRESSFULL!!
I suppose meeting another parent down the line would be great as they would understand certain things, give and take etc that comes with being a parent but preperably one with no crazy x!


I'm not looking for a Dad for my children as they already have one well one each!

I suppose I would hate for people to think I'm some bousy who went around having children all over the place,my boys came from long term/loving relationships that didn't work out.

Scenario I envisage... On a date, yes I have two children, there both with there dadS!!
Suppose I shouldn't really care what people think but I do a bit! This is all hypotetical(sp) as I have no interest in dating at the moment

Legs.Eleven

Decent people wouldn't judge you, OP and if anyone did, it'd be a good filter for people not to waste your time on. People have kids with people and move on. **** happens.


My brother's 2 previous girlfriends have been single mothers (over a 20 year period) and he was mad about them both. He loves kids and was happy to take on the responsibility of looking after them. Things didn't work out for various reasons but that's another story.

I personally have huge respect for single parents and think they're very strong people for taking on all they have and i think it takes huge strength and courage to walk away from a relationship you feel is not working, particularly with kids involved. How some of the media portrays them is nothing short of disgusting and I just don't understand it at all. Luckily I've found people are not so judgmental in the real world outside the tabloids.

By the way, my dad remarried with 5 "children" (I was the youngest and I was 12 when they met) a few years after my mother died. She loved my dad enough to put up with the 5 of us (3 out of 5 of us were living at home at the time). It hasn't always been easy for the pair of them but they're still together 20 years and very happy. When you love someone, these things don't stand in your way ime.

HotHHead

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Decent people wouldn't judge you, OP and if anyone did, it'd be a good filter for people not to waste your time on. People have kids with people and move on. **** happens.


My brother's 2 previous girlfriends have been single mothers (over a 20 year period) and he was mad about them both. He loves kids and was happy to take on the responsibility of looking after them. Things didn't work out for various reasons but that's another story.

I personally have huge respect for single parents and think they're very strong people for taking on all they have and i think it takes huge strength and courage to walk away from a relationship you feel is not working, particularly with kids involved. How some of the media portrays them is nothing short of disgusting and I just don't understand it at all. Luckily I've found people are not so judgmental in the real world outside the tabloids.

By the way, my dad remarried with 5 "children" (I was the youngest and I was 12 when they met) a few years after my mother died. She loved my dad enough to put up with the 5 of us (3 out of 5 of us were living at home at the time). It hasn't always been easy for the pair of them but they're still together 20 years and very happy. When you love someone, these things don't stand in your way ime.

What a lovely post, I'll read this over and over again when I'm having a bad!

we'llallhavetea

I wouldn't worry op, my boyfriend has just moved in with me and my nine year old daughter and this is a man who was worried that he would freak my daughter out because he felt awkward around kids, now they're inseparable! I'm not looking for a dad for my daughter and he's not looking to be one, they're just great friends
I think that's a worry some people may have, are they going to be expected to be a stand in parent to someone else's child, just be honest from the get go and all will be well. Best of luck!

ash23

I've been a single parent for eleven years now and have never had an issue with finding relationships.

Some men don't mind, some will think you're easy, some will just want a fling, some will think they're ok with it but not be when the reality of it kicks in.

I've had 3 long term relationships in those 11 years. Two with men who don't have kids. Those ended but not because of me being a mother. I'm currently dating a single father and neither of us want more children. It has it's own problems. Lack of free time, his ex acting up etc but overall it's going really well.

You'll find all sorts out there OP. Much the same as if you didn't have kids. Dating as a parent takes a bit more effort from both parties so it's actually a good way of sussing out if the guy is really interested. If he is he'll make the effort. If not at least you'll know quickly enough.

Legs.Eleven

we'llallhavetea wrote: »

I wouldn't worry op, my boyfriend has just moved in with me and my nine year old daughter and this is a man who was worried that he would freak my daughter out because he felt awkward around kids, now they're inseparable! I'm not looking for a dad for my daughter and he's not looking to be one, they're just great friends
I think that's a worry some people may have, are they going to be expected to be a stand in parent to someone else's child, just be honest from the get go and all will be well. Best of luck!

Yeah, that was a worry for me as a child when my dad remarried but my stepmother brought me out for lunch and explained that she wasn't a replacement for my mam but hopefully we'd become very good friends.

I think that was a brilliant move looking back and to think she was only in her late 30s herself. She was right though, we did become very good friends and although she did do many things that would be considered "motherly duties" (take me bra shopping, advice on the pill and helping me sort that out when I got into my first sexual relationship at 17/18, gave me a book sex and periods etc), the line was never crossed.

Femme_Fatale

ash23 wrote: »

some will think you're easy

The mindset is gas. "She had a child young and isn't in a serious relationship = she's rampantly promiscuous".
The father of the child might be the only man she's ever had sex with!

ash23

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

The mindset is gas. "She had a child young and isn't in a serious relationship = she's rampantly promiscuous".
The father of the child might be the only man she's ever had sex with!

Lol I know. I found it eased a lot over the years though when I didn't turn into vikki pollard

I definitely get much more respect now compared to when I, and my daughter, were younger. Now I'll have people comment that I must have been young having her but not in a derogatory way. It's usually followed by saying she's a credit to me or I've done a great job etc.

Of course some will still judge but let them off. Not people whose opinions would matter to me anyway!

Femme_Fatale

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

she did do many things that would be considered "motherly duties" (take me bra shopping, advice on the pill and helping me sort that out when I got into my first sexual relationship at 17/18, gave me a book sex and periods etc)

I'd say your dad was like "Phew, thank feck for this woman!" :pac:

Karmella

I'm probably going to be in this situation myself in time to come as I have just recently split from my husband, but am 4 months pregnant and have a 3 year old son. Obviously I can't fathom trying to meet someone new - i dont think it would be for a couple of years at least, and id be majorly out of practice as we have been a couple for 15 years. I would never look to replace him as the dad, but it would be nice to have someone who actually cares about me! And I wouldn't be having any more kids either (am 38) so it would have to be someone who would be ok with that too.

I'm sure these imaginary guys exist ;-)

Femme_Fatale

Christ Karmella, marriage break-up while pregnant - best wishes to you. You seem to have a strong head on your shoulders.

Roesy wrote: »

A good friend met her now husband while she was pregnant with her first child.

Oh yeh similar story with a friend of mine. Well they're not married, but they're together 11/12 years and had her second child together.
It used to be quite funny when she had her first son and had also started to see her partner. Plenty of "Oh he's just like his daddy" comments when they were out and about together. :pac:

Femme_Fatale

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

I'd say your dad was like "Phew, thank feck for this woman!" :pac:

I was just thinking she's some wise woman and seems to have played that deck brilliantly. Legs, your family hit it lucky with that catch .

Legs.Eleven

Candie wrote: »

I was just thinking she's some wise woman and seems to have played that deck brilliantly. Legs, your family hit it lucky with that catch .

She's some woman. She's like a walking, talking Dali Lama sometimes. She's incredibly zen. My dad hit the jack pot big style with her (she did too, in fairness). They met through an ad via The Irish Press! He'd been on so many dates he called her by the wrong by, bless him. I'm not religious in the slightest and not a believer in fate but she'd make you wonder. What's she's done for us all is nothing short of saint-like; she could've walked away at any stage. My dad did his best but he was muddling through with his own heartbreak. She loved him enough to take some of that on board. There's probably no one on this earth I look up to more tbh. She set a great example for me growing up and even more so as I approach her age when she met my dad.

Sorry, I'm a bit drunk so divulging stuff unnecessarily.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is she didn't believe she'd meet anyone 'till she met my dad when she hit 37. You really don't know when it'll happen for you or with who and when you like someone enough, your criteria often goes out the window.

hattoncracker

I agree with Legs-when you meet the right person circumstances don't really matter. Things that would normally on paper have been dealbreakers now just become things you learn to live with.

I'm in this situation, but I'm the new girlfriend! I'm 27; he's 46; his kids are 22; 16 and 14 with 2 different women, and a 2 year old grand-son.. My partner also has Multiple sclerosis

But he's a wonderful man and while that may be a problem with other women regardless of age, I couldn't give a crap because I love him! If you meet someone, and they care enough it really won't matter at all! and if they do care, then they aren't right for you.

And if there's one thing in life I've learned from being with him, it's to seize every day and make it the happiest and best you can, and once you do that you can deal with anything.

Take care OP. X

Legs.Eleven

hattoncracker wrote: »

I agree with Legs-when you meet the right person circumstances don't really matter. Things that would normally on paper have been dealbreakers now just become things you learn to live with.

I'm in this situation, but I'm the new girlfriend! I'm 27; he's 46; his kids are 22; 16 and 14 with 2 different women..

But he's a wonderful man and while that may be a problem with other women regardless of age, I couldn't give a crap because I love him! If you meet someone, and they care enough it really won't matter at all! and if they do care, then they aren't right for you.

Take care OP. X

You love him and he makes YOU happy. That's all that matters. xx

newport2

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

ash23 wrote: »

some will think you're easy.

The mindset is gas. "She had a child young and isn't in a serious relationship = she's rampantly promiscuous".
The father of the child might be the only man she's ever had sex with!

+1

Anyone who is thinking like that is only after one thing and it's not a relationship, so like someone else said, a good filter.

No men I know read into things that much. They're either into you or not. If they like you enough, everything else is secondary.

I don't think any one is going to be put off by the "morals" or the situation unless they are extremely old fashioned, but the hassle of the situation might put some people off. I don't think you can say one way or another what will happen until you meet the person every one is different there are no rules that say it going to work out one way or another.