Family Mediation Service

Minister

Hi lads,

Have any of ye experience of the Family Mediation Service? From my research it is primarily staffed by women. Anecdotally, my local FMS office is all female staff and, a few men I spoke with who have been through it felt that there was an element of bias in favour of the female spouse.

I am due to attend in next two weeks and am wondering whether to avail of it or try for a private mediator somewhere or else leave it go through the courts.

Any experiences to think about would be most welcome. Thanks.

superstepmom2b

Minister wrote: »

Hi lads,

Have any of ye experience of the Family Mediation Service? From my research it is primarily staffed by women. Anecdotally, my local FMS office is all female staff and, a few men I spoke with who have been through it felt that there was an element of bias in favour of the female spouse.

I am due to attend in next two weeks and am wondering whether to avail of it or try for a private mediator somewhere or else leave it go through the courts.

Any experiences to think about would be most welcome. Thanks.

I am currently going through mediation with my ex. We have no children. Mediator is female. I've found that she has been fair he might not see it that way. What she has been clear on is the law and ultimately what would happen if things went to.court...... Ie he would do worse in front of a judge so he needs to try and agree terms through mediation that are fair to us both so really key to keep that in mind. End of the day mediation is supposed to ensure you both decide and agree terms rather then someone else deciding that for you. So I would try be open minded give it a few goes and if it doesn't work then get a decent solicitor.

Best to just try and mediate an agreement if possible but it doesn't work out for everyone. Good luck. Hope it works out for you!

Pawwed Rig

superstepmom2b wrote: »

I've found that she has been fair he might not see it that way.

It is not fair if only 1 person thinks so :pac:

OP a reading on case reports would seem to indicate that the judges generally will expect the mediation process to be exhausted prior to going to court so you should stick with it. If you are being reasonable but still cannot agree then you can go to court.
They may threaten you as the previous poster says that you will do worse in front of the judge and unfortunately that is the case for many men going through to family system. Have you gotten legal advice? Or contacted Amen?

Minister

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

It is not fair if only 1 person thinks so :pac:

OP a reading on case reports would seem to indicate that the judges generally will expect the mediation process to be exhausted prior to going to court so you should stick with it. If you are being reasonable but still cannot agree then you can go to court.
They may threaten you as the previous poster says that you will do worse in front of the judge and unfortunately that is the case for many men going through to family system. Have you gotten legal advice? Or contacted Amen?

Yes......I have been in touch with both. Also am now at FMS. Mediator is reasonable. Advised ex wife about going to court. Ex wife did not heed advice and went to court for Maintenance. It was established and agreed by both solicitors (and mediator acknowledged my contribution to family) that I pay 65% of income towards home and family. She still went to court. Judge dismissed her action. Thank God I am eligible for free legal aid! (Ex wife is angry and hurt - even though she ended marriage)

FMS was helping. Not perfect but helpful. But now because of ex-wife action we may not be going back. Winners = Solicitors. Losers = Three great kids!

Its a brilliant services, however if even before you go in you are thinking it might be biased, its all female, anecdotal I have been told,.. then you are not going in with an open mind and that's not good.

Minister

mariaalice wrote: »

Its a brilliant services, however if even before you go in you are thinking it might be biased, its all female, anecdotal I have been told,.. then you are not going in with an open mind and that's not good.

As I said above its not perfect but helpful. I find the mediator firm but fair. I haven't given up on it!! However, for mediation to work all parties must be willing to concede on some things and gain on others. I believe that, and the mediator has articulated that, but.....

Thanks,

jaja321

I am a mediator and volunteer on occasion. From my experience its pretty mixed in terms of male/female.. and in some cases they can be co-mediated with a man and a woman. As a mediator you can't provide advise as such and agreements are made by the two parties themselves. In fact, even though you can't advise, I've seen cases where men are about to walk themselves into a situation whereby the mediator might feel they are being taken advantage of or may not be getting the best outcome for themselves, and the mediator gently points out those flaws by testing agreements.

Mediation, particularly in family cases, is far fairer than the courts.

Minister

jaja321 wrote: »

I am a mediator and volunteer on occasion. From my experience its pretty mixed in terms of male/female.. and in some cases they can be co-mediated with a man and a woman. As a mediator you can't provide advise as such and agreements are made by the two parties themselves. In fact, even though you can't advise, I've seen cases where men are about to walk themselves into a situation whereby the mediator might feel they are being taken advantage of or may not be getting the best outcome for themselves, and the mediator gently points out those flaws by testing agreements.

Mediation, particularly in family cases, is far fairer than the courts.

Thanks. Thats why I am giving it a chance. Also, the mediator has pointed out things ex w does not want to hear - eg bills I pay for the family are regarded as maintenance.

jaja321

Minister wrote: »

Thanks. Thats why I am giving it a chance. Also, the mediator has pointed out things ex w does not want to hear - eg bills I pay for the family are regarded as maintenance.

Best of luck with it :-)

Minister

jaja321 wrote: »

Best of luck with it :-)

singledad80

On the other hand I went to mediation with my ex wife, she went down stairs and got court other out against me while I was doing it, then she told the court She was advice to do it by Mediator, who are not allowed give legal advice. So I wont be doing that ever again.

Jawgap

FMS as an organisation are pretty good but so much depends on the individual mediator............unfortunately the one I got was "passively biased" - she accepted everything my ex-wife said at face value, challenged her over very little, leaving me having to constantly explain and defend myself.

That was just a taste of what was to come - IMO, the whole family law system in this country is massively biased against fathers. The assumption seems to be that......

.......all fathers are 'bad' fathers and on balance their kids would be better off without them

.......fathers are, at best, a neutral influence in their kids' lives

.......fathers are loaded

Couple that with ease with which women can introduce (and get away with introducing) suggestions of abuse, neglect etc and it's difficult to see the system as anything other than heavily skewed and definitely an 'equality free' zone.

Still worth going through it to get away from her though

singledad80

Totally agree with you jawgap , when I went to court she said what ever she felt like saying, even if I had the prove to defend my self she was still aloud say what ever she wanted under oat and no consequences for lining under oat, Women today talk about equal rights when it suits them, I tell my friends to go to legal separation instead of mediation, I felt they where to busy trying to cut deals then actually listen to the welfare of any child not all fathers are better than mothers but in some cases kids need to be protected from there mothers too.

Pat Mustard

The Family Mediation Service is free. If you don't like the result, you can always go to court.

If the parties reach a compromise and don't have to go to court, then it can save a lot of stress, time and money.

If you don't qualify for legal aid, a judicial separation/ divorce case can be very expensive, potentially. Also, while many judges may be okay, some are completely unsuited to dealing with people who are going through family law cases. This can make for a rather unpleasant experience for those people.

Tangatagamadda Chaddabinga Bonga Bungo

I found it great, free, unbiased and a far better solution than going straight to court to be put in front of a judge who will make a practically instant decision that will effect your life massively.

Thinking about it now, if there was any bias, it would have been in my favour actually, as in the private meeting I outlined what I wanted/needed and the mediator (female) guided the whole process in that direction then. Having said that, I was as open and honest as I could be, the ex wasn't and the mediator could see straight through her thank god.

On a further point, when we went to a judge to make our agreement a rule of court, I found the judge to be hostile towards me, despite the fact there was nothing to say (the agreement just needed to be 'stamped'), I had initiated the process, I had already been in twice previously to get my ex summoned and I already had guardianship and joint custody (so I've been to the family court 5 times to get as close to parity as you can get in this country). Excruciating process that makes me resent the sh1te talk I hear about equality, gender quotas, 'the pay gap' ect. Men are second class citizens when it comes to family law and no one gives a dam.

dekeed

Jawgap wrote: »

FMS as an organisation are pretty good but so much depends on the individual mediator............unfortunately the one I got was "passively biased" - she accepted everything my ex-wife said at face value, challenged her over very little, leaving me having to constantly explain and defend myself.

That was just a taste of what was to come - IMO, the whole family law system in this country is massively biased against fathers. The assumption seems to be that......

.......all fathers are 'bad' fathers and on balance their kids would be better off without them

.......fathers are, at best, a neutral influence in their kids' lives

.......fathers are loaded

Couple that with ease with which women can introduce (and get away with introducing) suggestions of abuse, neglect etc and it's difficult to see the system as anything other than heavily skewed and definitely an 'equality free' zone.

Still worth going through it to get away from her though

You've got the court system bang on there my friend. Jaw dropping what a woman can get away with. I know it's difficult when people are at war... but it's a terribly unfair system for men.