married man flirting with me

LegacyUser

i have this girl added on fb she was helping me with something, dont know her in person but shes a nice girl. shes married to a man who lives abroad and moving over to him in a very short amount of time,they were long distance.

her husband added me soon after i started talking to her, probably because he could offer me advice on paperwork too. tonight he sent me a message and we got talking and ended up talking about my relationship that just ended today. then he starts telling me i need to look at older men in the future..

then soon after he begins telling me which of my pictures he likes, that they make him very excited, etc. i went along with it..i don't know why. he is not attractive to me, i was just feeling vunerable and the attention was nice.

he wanted my number, messenger name,etc. i made excuses so i wouldnt have to give any of them to him..

he has been very flirty and telling me i turn him on and he wants our convos to stay between us etc. as i read back over it all i feel bad (my relationship ended because my boyfriend cheated) and i dont know if i should tell this girl or not?

i dont feel like its my place to tell her but i just feel bad

Tokyo

Hey OP,

to be honest I think if you say anything to your friend, I don't think there is any way you can come out of this in a good light. It would be one thing if her husband's comments and advances on you were completely one-sided, but by your own admission you went along with it, so I imagine that there are comments on record there from you too, or at least some sense of appreciating the attention. And if you are going to come clean, there's a good chance that your responses or acceptance of his comments are going to bite you on the ass. It'll turn int a game of "he said... she said..." and chances are the woman will take her husband's word long before she will take the word of someone off the internet that she doesn't know in person - especially if he can back it up with any comments from you.

My recommendation? Delete the husband from your friends list and write it off as a mistake on your part. If the husband is carrying on like this on a regular basis, he'll get caught sooner or later.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Hey OP,

to be honest I think if you say anything to your friend, I don't think there is any way you can come out of this in a good light. It would be one thing if her husband's comments and advances on you were completely one-sided, but by your own admission you went along with it, so I imagine that there are comments on record there from you too, or at least some sense of appreciating the attention. And if you are going to come clean, there's a good chance that your responses or acceptance of his comments are going to bite you on the ass. It'll turn int a game of "he said... she said..." and chances are the woman will take her husband's word long before she will take the word of someone off the internet that she doesn't know in person - especially if he can back it up with any comments from you.

My recommendation? Delete the husband from your friends list and write it off as a mistake on your part. If the husband is carrying on like this on a regular basis, he'll get caught sooner or later.

thanks for the advice! thats what i was thinking. i didn't say too much with the flirting, just a lot of blushing/:-P smiley faces and telling him he was sweet...he was doing most of the talking and being a lot pushier than me. he also sent me a picture...not nude but not something any loving husband should be sending to other girls! he told me he is going to message me later, so when he does i will just say i thought about the convo and felt bad and don't think it should happen again.

i honestly have no attraction to him and i'm not sure why i went along with it instead of just saying it was inappropriate, my boyfriend and i had just split literally one hour before his message due to him cheating, and i suppose the attention was just nice at that time. then i thought how i would feel if i was his wife and i feel so awful for going along with it, i wasn't sure if it would be good or bad to tell her.

Tokyo

idk99 wrote: »

he told me he is going to message me later, so when he does i will just say i thought about the convo and felt bad and don't think it should happen again.

I don't think that this is a good idea. You don't entertain any more conversations with him, even if it is to say that the conversation was inappropriate. Smartest thing to do now is to go on facebook right now and remove him, before he gets the chance to send you any more messages. You have given him the idea that his messages are okay by entertaining them - now's the time to stop it, not after another conversation.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

I don't think that this is a good idea. You don't entertain any more conversations with him, even if it is to say that the conversation was inappropriate. Smartest thing to do now is to go on facebook right now and remove him, before he gets the chance to send you any more messages. You have given him the idea that his messages are okay by entertaining them - now's the time to stop it, not after another conversation.

what worries me about that is his wife noticing and asking why i removed him, because she knows he was helping me out also with advice on filling out some paperwork and sometimes when i have questions she will tell me to ask him!

Penny Tration

mike_ie wrote: »

I don't think that this is a good idea. You don't entertain any more conversations with him, even if it is to say that the conversation was inappropriate. Smartest thing to do now is to go on facebook right now and remove him, before he gets the chance to send you any more messages. You have given him the idea that his messages are okay by entertaining them - now's the time to stop it, not after another conversation.

Hit the block button while you're at it, so he can't find your profile at all.

Alf. A. Male

idk99 wrote: »

i have this girl added on fb she was helping me with something, dont know her in person but shes a nice girl. shes married to a man who lives abroad and moving over to him in a very short amount of time,they were long distance.

If you don't actually know her then you don't have a friendship to lose and nothing to lose yourself by telling her. You might be saving her the trouble of moving over to him and being dependent on him when she eventually finds out. Would you like someone who knew what he was like to allow you to walk blindly into that?

Tokyo

idk99 wrote: »

what worries me about that is his wife noticing and asking why i removed him, because she knows he was helping me out also with advice on filling out some paperwork and sometimes when i have questions she will tell me to ask him!

So which conversation would you prefer to have with her?

1. "Why you have removed her husband from your friends list"
2. "why you have been entertaining flirty messages from her husband and didn't do anything about it"

Plenty of people whittle down their friendslist on a regular basis if they aren't people they keep in constant touch with - all you have to do is say that you were doing some housekeeping on your account for work/security reasons. I'd also be fairly sure that if she notices, she'd ask her husband about it before asking you, and I'm sure he doesn't want it getting out either so will have a suitable excuse waiting.

LegacyUser

Alf. A. Male wrote: »

If you don't actually know her then you don't have a friendship to lose and nothing to lose yourself by telling her. You might be saving her the trouble of moving over to him and being dependent on him when she eventually finds out. Would you like someone who knew what he was like to allow you to walk blindly into that?

i dont know her in person and never will so there is nothing to lose. i just want to do the right thing. obviously ignoring his messages would have been the right thing but i was upset and the attention was nice. she is moving from ireland to west coast usa and she is only 21/22 AFIK, her husband is in his late 40s. he is a stripper so maybe something like this wont even bother her, but i feel so awful about it and i know if i were in her shoes i would rather know before leaving my life behind than finding out 5 years down the road.

i really dont know what to do...

Obliq

idk99 wrote: »

what worries me about that is his wife noticing and asking why i removed him, because she knows he was helping me out also with advice on filling out some paperwork and sometimes when i have questions she will tell me to ask him!

Well this is going to continue to be an issue then if she is going to direct you to her husband for advice again because she doesn't know she shouldn't, putting you in the position of having to either lie awkwardly or tell her the difficult truth. Is there anyone else you can turn to for advice on this paperwork? If I were you, I'd drop them both as it's a proper can of worms. You don't know her, and even if she's nice, I'd say you should delete them both as this has potential to get more and more tricky for you.

The alternative is to tell her you broke up with your boyfriend and her husband started messaging you in a way that you went along with at first because you were feeling crap, but you became progressively more uncomfortable with the messages and now you have deleted him from your friends list.

Alf. A. Male

idk99 wrote: »

if i were in her shoes i would rather know before leaving my life behind than finding out 5 years down the road.

I think, then, that you do know what to do. You'll feel bad doing it, but feel better for having done it. She will probably lash out at you, but you'll move on from that.

Obliq

idk99 wrote: »

i dont know her in person and never will so there is nothing to lose. i just want to do the right thing. obviously ignoring his messages would have been the right thing but i was upset and the attention was nice. she is moving from ireland to west coast usa and she is only 21/22 AFIK, her husband is in his late 40s. he is a stripper so maybe something like this wont even bother her, but i feel so awful about it and i know if i were in her shoes i would rather know before leaving my life behind than finding out 5 years down the road.

i really dont know what to do...

Well then she's probably aware that her husband "cheers up women" in a suggestive fashion, since he does that for a living! I'd definitely say the truth to her so, and mention that you've deleted him because it felt inappropriate. Which it is. Highly inappropriate of him.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

Well then she's probably aware that her husband "cheers up women" in a suggestive fashion, since he does that for a living! I'd definitely say the truth to her so, and mention that you've deleted him because it felt inappropriate. Which it is. Highly inappropriate of him.

i deleted him then sent her a message. didn't give her any details of the convo, just that it was quite flirty and i am not interested in him, he was just making me feel better about myself at a bad time and i went along with it. i'm sure she will delete me and maybe even get angry at me, which i understand, but i think i feel better knowing that i told her

Obliq

idk99 wrote: »

i deleted him then sent her a message. didn't give her any details of the convo, just that it was quite flirty and i am not interested in him, he was just making me feel better about myself at a bad time and i went along with it. i'm sure she will delete me and maybe even get angry at me, which i understand, but i think i feel better knowing that i told her

Well done you, that was brave and honest. If she does now lash out at you for telling the truth, don't pay it any heed - just use the delete option.

LegacyUser

Obliq wrote: »

Well done you, that was brave and honest. If she does now lash out at you for telling the truth, don't pay it any heed - just use the delete option.

the paperwork she was helping me with was for the marriage visa. i was also marrying my boyfriend who is from the USA until i found out he lied and cheated this morning, i actually found out from one of his friends so it is a little similar...i am glad they told me before i went ahead and married him/moved there.

there is a good chance she will be angry at me and i don't mind if she is, i'm angry at myself! its so out of character for me and when i read back on the convo, towards the end i can see that i started to realize it was wrong and i wasn't saying much. i have blocked him now also. the fact that he said "i want this to stay between us" really bothered me, he knew what he was doing, and he had the nerve to insult my ex for cheating! ha.

well hopefully she does whatever is best for herself now!

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Well done you, I definitely think you did the right thing. And as for a back lash from the girl? Meh.. she deserves sympathy more than anything being married to a creep like him.

Obliq

idk99 wrote: »

the paperwork she was helping me with was for the marriage visa. i was also marrying my boyfriend who is from the USA until i found out he lied and cheated this morning, i actually found out from one of his friends so it is a little similar...i am glad they told me before i went ahead and married him/moved there.

there is a good chance she will be angry at me and i don't mind if she is, i'm angry at myself! its so out of character for me and when i read back on the convo, towards the end i can see that i started to realize it was wrong and i wasn't saying much. i have blocked him now also. the fact that he said "i want this to stay between us" really bothered me, he knew what he was doing, and he had the nerve to insult my ex for cheating! ha.

well hopefully she does whatever is best for herself now!

That's tough going OP. You have quite enough to be having to deal with now without some random bloke creeping at you. Sorry for your discovery about the boyfriend, but glad you found out sooner than later. Best of luck.

Matteroffact

Obliq wrote: »

Well this is going to continue to be an issue then if she is going to direct you to her husband for advice again because she doesn't know she shouldn't, putting you in the position of having to either lie awkwardly or tell her the difficult truth. Is there anyone else you can turn to for advice on this paperwork? If I were you, I'd drop them both as it's a proper can of worms. You don't know her, and even if she's nice, I'd say you should delete them both as this has potential to get more and more tricky for you.
.

I agree with this.