Getting abuse for selling keepsake.

LegacyUser

I'm 31 years old. When I was 16, my family moved to a new town. At first I made friends with this group of other 16 year olds. They turned out to be bad news, into drugs and other things and I got sick and tired of it, so after about 7 months I stopped hanging around with them. I barely knew most of them anyway. There was one, who we'll call Dave, who I'd only seen about 3 or 4 times and only spoken to once. anyway, shortly before I stopped hanging around with them, Dave died. I went to his funeral, purely out of politeness. His mother had brought along some of his possessions to the funeral and insisted on distributing them amongst his friends. She gave me a grey metallic bracelet with a locket-type thing attached to one of the links. As politely as possible, I explained to her that I didn't feel I could accept it, as I hadn't actually known Dave very well. She said, "No please, you knew him, you came to his funeral, I want you to have it." So I accepted it, so as not to offend her, although I didn't really want it.

Fast forward 15 years, and I've had to quit work to care for a disabled relative. I've become really short of money and began selling all of my possessions - my two guitars, my CDs, my laptop, everything. Desperate for cash I searched my room for anything else I could sell and I found this bracelet. I didn't think it would be worth anything but I put it up on ebay and got 140 euros for it. It was bought by someone just tow towns away fro me, who I didn't know.

Less than a week later my doorbell rang. It was an oldish woman I didn't recognise. I opened the door and she asked "Are you JJ?" I said yes. She said "Do you remember me?" I said no. She said "I'm Dave H's mum. You came to his funeral?" I said, Oh yes. Then she launched into an angry tirade. The bracelet was bought and then worn by someone vaguely connected with this woman. She'd seen them wearing it, questioned them about it, got my address from them which they had through paypal, and come here to give me a piece of her mind. She was furious and had a real go at me for selling it. She said if I hadn't wanted it I should have given it back to her.

I said, "I'm sorry but I told you that I didn't really know him and you insisted that I should take it anyway. And I couldn't return it to you later because I don't know where you live. I don't even know your name."

She had a big go at me and then left. Later that night I got a phonecall from someone we'll call Mike. At first I had no idea who he was but after many explanations I realised he was one of the kids I'd barely known all those years ago. He was still friends with Dave's mum and was calling me to tell me how appalled and disgusted with my behaviour he was. He said Dave's mum had bought the bracelet off the person who bought it off me, and that I should give her the money back. I said that if they continue harassing me I would call the police. That was last night and I haven't heard more about it since. But my question is this - was it really so wrong and awful of me to sell the bracelet? And do you think I should give her the money?

ash23

It was pretty callous I think personally. It would have had obvious sentimental value to his family and friends and I think you could have tried to track someone down who could have given it back to his mother as it would most likely have meant a lot to her. It's easy enough to find someone nowadays with the internet etc. Even if you'd gone to the church where the funeral was held, they'd have been able to pass it on.

For her to then see it on someone would probably have upset her as it sounds like a fairly unique piece.

I know you told her you didn't want it etc, but I do think selling it was a bit cold.

I also think you should perhaps try to pay back the money the mother has paid for it. I know you meant nothing bad by selling it but it was a gift from a woman who had just lost her son, a memento she very generously gave thinking it would mean something to his friends to have it.
I understand you didn't count him as a friend and it meant nothing to you but it was something very precious to her. You shouldn't be getting abuse over it but I think the right thing to do would be to give the mother the money you made from selling it.

Merkin

JimJon wrote: »

I said, "I'm sorry but I told you that I didn't really know him and you insisted that I should take it anyway. And I couldn't return it to you later because I don't know where you live. I don't even know your name."

Which is totally fair enough. You didn't want to take it but she insisted. And because you had no sentimental attachment to it, I see no harm in selling it. You were brassic and it means nothing to you so why wouldn't you? AND, if this woman was so attached to it, she wouldn't have given it away in the first place. Think of all the people who are bequeathed really precious family heirlooms and still sell them on.

I think you've done nothing wrong - it was just rotten luck and weirdly coincidental that the buyer lived so near to the woman. I also think that seeing the bracelet would have stirred up all kinds of memories and emotions for this lady who lost her son at such a tender age so her reaction may not as rational as it could have been.

While I feel sorry for the woman and everything, I wouldn't give her the money, it was ultimately yours to do with what you wish.

eviltwin

I can see both sides here. You did what you did for a valid reason, you need the money, there isn't much room for sentimentality when you need to pay the bills. Of course I can understand his mother being upset seeing something so personal to her that she gave to you being worn by someone else. It must have been a shock for her but you did nothing wrong imo and you didn't deserve abuse but I'd cut her some slack under the circumstances.

I'd keep the money, I doubt she would accept it anyway seeing where it came from and you need it yourself.

username123

Id would be furiously giving a piece of my mind to the person it was sold to. How dare they pass on your address to someone like that!

For all his mother knew it could have been the executor of your will selling it!

They sound like a bunch of crazies tbh, Id be following through on speaking with the Guards if you hear anything from any of them again.

username123

I understand the woman's point of view, but the abuse the OP is getting is just over the top. They didn't sell it off-hand, they sold it because they had to and it wasn't just that either, it was a lot of stuff. I wouldn't give her any of the money.

username123 wrote: »

Id would be furiously giving a piece of my mind to the person it was sold to. How dare they pass on your address to someone like that!

For all his mother knew it could have been the executor of your will selling it!

They sound like a bunch of crazies tbh, Id be following through on speaking with the Guards if you hear anything from any of them again.

Completely agree, you should leave whoever bought it extremely bad feedback if you could.

sadie06

This is an utterly bizarre story, and I really don't think you have done anything wrong. Another completely different slant on it would be that it's nice that all these years later that young man's bracelet helped you out when you were stuck, which is far more favourable than it lying gathering dust in a drawer.

Leave the seller poor feedback, and contact the police if there is any further contact from the family.

Teyla Emmagan

You have done nothing wrong OP, don't even waste time thinking about this any more. Both the buyer, the mother, and Mike are in the wrong here. I understand the poor woman may still be very distressed, but she has no business verbally attacking a stranger over the issue. She doesn't know the first thing about you. Put the whole incident out of your mind.

Tokyo

OP,

take into consideration this - people react irrationally when it comes to the death of a loved one, even if it is 15 years down the line. The woman lost her child - I cant imagine that there are many things in this world that compares to the pain of that - and in her own way probably felt that she was keeping a little piece of her son alive through the friends that he had found in life. I can't think of any other reason to distribute his possessions in the way that she did, and it probably did come as a kick in the teeth to see that they had been sold on.

You didn't do anything *wrong*, but it wasn't the most tactful of things to do either, and you were unlucky enough that the buyer came in contact with this guy's mother. For sure the buyer was wrong to pass on your address, and yes the mother overreacted quite badly to finding out that you had sold on this keepsake, but where her grief comes from is somewhat understandable, even if her reaction isn't.

Personally I think that it's just one of these bad situations all round in life, where there's no real other course of action than just acknowledging it and chalking it off to experience. And use it a s a lesson to be a little more tactful in the future.

In hindsight, I think it would have been wiser not to sell it to someone two towns away, as it's highly likely that someone who knew the son or mother would find out. But I don't think there's anything wrong with selling it.

As everyone else has said, I can see why the mother reacted the way she did but I don't think you should feel bad in any way. Whoever gave her your address was seriously in the wrong though.

ElleEm

I would be overly sentimental sometimes, so can see how people think it was a bit insensitive to do, but I also get where you are coming from in that you have no connection to anyone who knew the lad. It is just such an unfortunate situation to find yourself in, but you shouldn't feel guilty. If the contact continues, then you should contact the Gardai. The mother probably wouldn't accept the money anyway, but it is not up to the other fella to bully you into giving it over.

FunLover18

I also can see both perspectives. As a race humans have the ability to put sentimental value on absolutely anything. I'm not saying that the bracelet didn't mean anything to her but at the end of the day that's all it is, a bracelet.

She gave it to you on presumption that you would either wear it in honour of her son or at least keep it safe, which I feel is a a nice gesture yes, but also a tad presumptuous. Personally, when I die I'd rather see my favourite watch (I don't wear bracelets) actually be worn and used by a complete stranger (and let them put their own sentiment on it) rather than sit in the bedside drawer of a friend or family member.

sopretty

I'm sorry, but it was wrong of you to sell it.

If my daughter (God forbid) passed away, I would probably also love to pass on a few little things to her friends and to assume that she meant even a quarter to them as she did to me.

If I passed something on to someone I assumed was a friend, and later discovered it was pawned, I would be disgusted. If you needed the money, I would have bought it back from you.

I am guessing you are young and a lot of the posters here are young and don't have children.

It is upsetting for me to even put my daughter in a fictional scenario on here.

It was wrong, but we make mistakes.

FunLover18

sopretty wrote: »

I'm sorry, but it was wrong of you to sell it.

If my daughter (God forbid) passed away, I would probably also love to pass on a few little things to her friends and to assume that she meant even a quarter to them as she did to me.

As I mentioned above I think sentimental value is the issue. In the OP's case the mother assumed that OP placed the same sentimental value on her son's bracelet as she did. Clearly he didn't (which isn't a problem) and although he tried to decline (I'd imagine it can be a difficult thing to do) she insisted. I would say it's putting an emotional pressure on someone to keep and look after an item that might mean absolutely nothing to them.

All that said, yes it would have been a nice gesture to track the family down and try and return it. But she has it back now and to ask for the money is ridiculous, she should be very happy that fortune returned it to her.

I think the best protocol would be to set items aside and let family and friends know that if they want something to remember the deceased by they can choose from the available items.

missguided

To be honest, I don't really think what you did was all that wrong. Maybe the fact that you sold it to someone who lived nearby wasn't the most tactful thing, but then again they were the highest bidder so you didn't really have a choice.

I see where you're coming from: You're given a 'keepsake' in memory of him, someone you're not overly friendly with, and you did try to give it back, explaining how you weren't close to him. She insisted, even after you explaining this. What did she expect you to do with it, really? You're in financial trouble now, so selling something that has no real sentimental value to you seems logical. You needed the money, and sure what was the bracelet doing in your house only collecting dust?

Then again though, it can't be nice for her to see something belonging to her deceased son being worn by someone like that. Though, if it had a real sentimental value to her, would she have given it to someone who explained that they weren't close to her son? She would obviously have been distraught and not thinking rationally after what had happened to him.

username123

sopretty wrote: »

I am guessing you are young and a lot of the posters here are young and don't have children.

Bit patronising no?

The OP states he/she is 31. An adult.

I'm not young (40s), and have lost family members and I don't think the OP did anything wrong.

You don't pass on keepsakes with conditions attached. If you don't want an item subsequently sold or discarded, don't give it away. And don't assume everyone else has the same sentimental feelings as you. Objects that hold great sentimental value for one person mean nothing to another. Some people are less sentimental generally.

And certainly you do not go hunting down someone after 15 years about selling a keepsake. Only a nut job does that.

sopretty

username123 wrote: »

Bit patronising no?

The OP states he/she is 31. An adult.

I'm not young (40s), and have lost family members and I don't think the OP did anything wrong.

You don't pass on keepsakes with conditions attached. If you don't want an item subsequently sold or discarded, don't give it away. And don't assume everyone else has the same sentimental feelings as you. Objects that hold great sentimental value for one person mean nothing to another. Some people are less sentimental generally.

And certainly you do not go hunting down someone after 15 years about selling a keepsake. Only a nut job does that.

You have not lost a child. 15 years ago, the child was a teenager. The mother will never recover probably. She probably thought that 'the friends' actually cared. Clearly this friend didn't. It must hurt to the bone to think that someone you assumed cared about your beloved child, didn't give two sheets.

That's just how I feel. I don't think the mother is a nut job. I think the mother is shocked and disappointed to realise that her child meant so little to someone.

Mozzeltoff

sopretty wrote: »

You have not lost a child. 15 years ago, the child was a teenager. The mother will never recover probably. She probably thought that 'the friends' actually cared. Clearly this friend didn't. It must hurt to the bone to think that someone you assumed cared about your beloved child, didn't give two sheets.

That's just how I feel. I don't think the mother is a nut job. I think the mother is shocked and disappointed to realise that her child meant so little to someone.

It's not like the child didn't mean anything to the OP. Thing is OP has stated that he wasn't overly friendly with the deceased and explained it to her and yet she insisted that they have the bracelet. While she may not be in the right frame of mind with grief, she still gave it away to someone who really didn't want it. I don't think she's a nut job either but there's no excuse for her actions. The world doesn't revolve around her and her woes. As callous as that sounds it's the truth.

OP don't bother with the hassle of them. She's had her say, she has the bracelet and any more noise out of her or this Mike guy is them looking for drama. Don't give them money and don't let it bother you. As a lot of posters here have said it's best to just chalk it down and move on.

FunLover18

sopretty wrote: »

You have not lost a child. 15 years ago, the child was a teenager. The mother will never recover probably. She probably thought that 'the friends' actually cared. Clearly this friend didn't. It must hurt to the bone to think that someone you assumed cared about your beloved child, didn't give two sheets.

That's just how I feel. I don't think the mother is a nut job. I think the mother is shocked and disappointed to realise that her child meant so little to someone.

That's very unfair. You're equating selling a bracelet owned by the deceased with not giving a sh*t about him. The bracelet may have meant something to the mother but it is unfair to expect others to feel the same sentimental attachment.

sopretty

sopretty wrote: »

You have not lost a child. 15 years ago, the child was a teenager. The mother will never recover probably. She probably thought that 'the friends' actually cared. Clearly this friend didn't. It must hurt to the bone to think that someone you assumed cared about your beloved child, didn't give two sheets.

The OP explained to the mother that they weren't close enough to warrant taking any keepsake. The OP wasn't friends with the group for very long beforehand and stopped seeing them soon after. The OP showed respect for the son by going to the funeral - he cared. But fifteen years later he shouldn't have to pander to the mother's assumption as you've put it above.

That's just how I feel. I don't think the mother is a nut job. I think the mother is shocked and disappointed to realise that her child meant so little to someone.

I don't think she's a nut job either. But she is wrong to do what she did. So what if she's shocked and disappointed, the OP is living his own life and clearly has his own stuff going on right now. You can't go around showing up at a practical stranger's house to shout at them on the basis that you're shocked and disappointed.

I can see why she's upset, and I think the OP should have sold it a bit more discreetly, but she was wrong to do what she did, as was the friend that called the OP, and whether the OP or any other poster here has a child is nothing to do with it.

Pretzill

Op I don't think you did anything wrong either - and as someone else said it was fitting that the money from the sale of this momento helped you in a time of financial crisis.

What I do find odd is the startling coincidence that this object made it back to the deceased family and that they had the temerity to approach you looking for the value they paid for it back. It seems like the last thing you'd want to do - approach someone 15 years after the fact to give out to them for not keeping a momento.

Call me cynical but if you didn't recognise his mum or the person who rang you up could someone who recognised the bracelet online be trying to scam you? I would consider mentioning this to the gaurds you have every right to sell the item -

sopretty

Pretzill wrote: »

Call me cynical but if you didn't recognise his mum or the person who rang you up could someone who recognised the bracelet online be trying to scam you? I would consider mentioning this to the gaurds you have every right to sell the item -

Some random scammer sees a bracelet being sold online, somehow knows that it is belonging to a lad who passed away 15 years ago, figures out who the bereaved mother and the seller is, manages to get an elderly woman to rock up to the house to interrogate the seller?

Are you for real like? Think before you speak or type.

Tokyo

sopretty wrote: »

Are you for real like? Think before you speak or type.

sopretty - it's not the first time that we have had to ask you the very same, sad to say. You've been warned before about these style of posts, so yellow card this time.

I'd also like to issue a general reminder to keep posts on topic and directed towards the OP.

Regards,
Mike

username123

sopretty wrote: »

You have not lost a child. 15 years ago, the child was a teenager. The mother will never recover probably. She probably thought that 'the friends' actually cared. Clearly this friend didn't. It must hurt to the bone to think that someone you assumed cared about your beloved child, didn't give two sheets.

That's just how I feel. I don't think the mother is a nut job. I think the mother is shocked and disappointed to realise that her child meant so little to someone.

You dont know if Ive lost a child or not so best not to make personal assumptions.

Caring about a person and being sentimentally attached to a material object are two different things. Someone could care very deeply for a deceased person yet the red jumper they owned may seem meaningless. That type of sentimental attachment is subjective. Not everyone feels the same way about things.

You cant go round expecting everyone to be the same, to feel the same, to allow your common sense to be squashed by your assumption that your sentimental attachment to something is the same as someone elses. And to be looking for the money back is just crass tbh. Could well be a scam.

OP - I stand by my earlier advice, contact the Guards if any more of these people contact you.

Emme

It's worrying that the OP is so desperate and short of money that he has to sell everything to pay for the care of his disabled relative. The OP will eventually run out of things to sell and then what will he do?

Can you go to MABS or your Citizens Advice Bureau for help? You may be entitled to grants or allowances for the caring work you do or the person you are caring for may not be getting all they are entitled to.

Don't worry about the people who are giving you a hard time. They might do exactly the same if they were in your shoes.

Chattastrophe!

Ah it's a very sad situation.

I honestly don't think the OP did anything wrong at all in selling the bracelet, and it's just really unfortunate that the mother was told about it.

And the seller was wrong to hand over the address, but I suppose if you were confronted with a grieving mother and were only getting her side of the story, maybe they might have given it to her without really thinking of the consequences.

Honestly if I were in that position ... I probably wouldn't go giving her the money (she may see it as adding insult to injury!) but I'd maybe give a small donation to charity (you don't mention how he died, maybe there's a charity associated with it?) And I mean a small donation, just a few euro, whatever you can afford. And then send her a card apologising - not so much for selling it, but just that you were sorry that she had gotten a shock seeing the jewellery on someone else ... and let her know that you've made a small donation to the charity in question. I wouldn't bother trying to explain yourself too much - it might only upset her more! And then no more contact, with her or any other family members or friends.

I certainly don't think you should feel under any obligation to do anything like this. But I think that, if I were in that situation, I'd like to think that maybe it would bring her a bit of peace that I'd at least attempted to make amends.

FairytaleGirl

Something I find odd, how did they know it was one in the same bracelet? I mean I doubt it was one of a kind? I dont understand how when the mother commented on the bracelet it wasnt a simple 'oh Dave had the same one!?'

Then they got your address and phone number out of no where?

Something bizarre here in my opinion!

Toots

I can understand that the mother was upset, don't get me wrong, but it's been 15 years since her son died. I know a parent never gets over losing a child, but for the rest of the world things move on. Even his best friends most likely miss him but aren't torn up with grief the way they would have been in the months following his death. I think if you're passing on keepsakes from deceased relatives, you need to only pass on things that it's not too painful to part with, because once you've given them away they're no longer yours to control and the other person can do what they wish with them. I mean, it's not like everyone else who got given mementos that day brought them home and ensconced them in some sort of shrine.

I think it would be one thing if the mother had given the OP the bracelet at the funeral, and the OP hawked it straight away and then pissed the money away at the bookies - yes, that would be callous. In this instance it's 15 years later, the OP is in dire financial straits (has already sold a heap of his own possessions) and it seems to me that he sold this as a last ditch effort to get a few quid to live on. I really don't think you did anything wrong, although if it were me doing something similar I'd make sure it wasn't sold to someone who lived nearby to avoid selling it to one of his friends or family. Regardless, she had absolutely no right to come to your door and bawl you out of it. Especially considering she had no idea of your circumstances or reason for selling it. Same with this Mike dude who rang you. If you hear from either of them again I'd definitely be on to the Gardai.

As regards the person who passed on your address and phone number, I'd be contacting eBay and Paypal to see what their stance is on this. Out of everyone who's involved in this, he's the one who I'd be most pissed off at.

3DataModem

Tell them you gave the money to charity, related to the disabled relative you care for.

That should end the problem.

By the way, what you did was fine.

sadie06

sopretty wrote: »

I am guessing you are young and a lot of the posters here are young and don't have children.

Your guess is wrong. I have children, and also suffered the loss of my younger sister when she was just 15. I think the woman's reaction was irrational, especially given how much time has passed. It's not as if the OP rushed out the following week to sell the bracelet. 15 years have passed!

Somebody else made the point about family heirlooms being sold or auctioned on. This is a similar situation. Heirlooms were passed down for a reason, but at some point, somebody feels it is no longer of sentimental value and/or would prefer to sell it.

If the bracelet was of hugely sentimental value to the young man's mother, she should not have parted with it.