Feel worn out..

LegacyUser

There's a backstory to this but I'll add it in because I think it will make more sense if I do.

I found out I was pregnant last April, I was studying for my final exams in college at the time so it was a massive shock to both me and my boyfriend. I completed my exams and after discussing it over and over again with him, I said I would get an abortion. We had been going out four years at this point, but having a baby just as we graduated (with college loans to pay off and no jobs) seemed like a stupid decision to make. It was a weird time because both of us were hesitant but there wasn't really any other option.

We both went to England and we actually made it to the clinic but I was so overwhelmed with what I was going to do that I had a panic attack. I couldn't go through with it. I know it sounds stupid, but I just couldn't do it. We went home and again talked it over and we agreed that okay, maybe it's not the most ideal time to have a baby but when is it really? I think we were both worried at this stage and we didn't have an idealistic vision of how we were going to raise it. We knew things would be tough but I think that at the same time we both had our degrees behind us, and well it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

We had been planning on moving into together that summer anyway, so we did that. Got the results of our exams and both of us had degrees under our belts which was brilliant. I got a job waitressing, he got a job directly related to his degree but he was obviously starting from the bottom so wasn't getting paid as much for his work. In August the restaurant I was working in closed down but I was half relieved at that stage, even though I was 21, my pregnancy was difficult. I was really tired all the time, and stressed with everything. I spent the last few months going home a lot to my Mam and Dad. I think at this point the realisation set in. My parents as always were lovely and very supportive, but some of my siblings started to treat me differently. I was the youngest of 7 and I was the first to become pregnant but they had always treated me like a baby, now it just felt weird. They treated me differently, and it felt odd because it's not like I was 14 and pregnant. Sometimes I felt disgusting, I dunno even if that's the right wording but it was a weird feeling I couldn't shake (I should add two of my sisters who were the closest in age to me, and who I'm very close to, still treated me the exact same, it was the others really).

I had my baby at the end of November, all the weird feelings just melted away when I saw him. I never thought I could love another human being like I loved him. And from that moment on I didn't regret having him. My boyfriend loved him just as much.

My bf continued on with his job and I was at home minding the baby. At the start I didn't know what to do, it was difficult but I got the hang of it after awhile. Since February though I've just felt at a loss really. It's really getting to me that we have very little money. I grew up with hardly a cent to my name and I worked really hard in school and in college to better myself and hopefully when I had kids, to give them a decent standard of living. But now I just look at my baby and feel like a failure. I'll go into Dunnes and I'll see little cute clothes and I can't afford any of them for him. Thank God for my boyfriend, he's great. He works so hard but we're still struggling financially. He has to pay off a college loan every week so that takes a big chunk of money out of his income, he's basically paying for two rooms in an apartment (so basically double rent), the city is dear, transport is expensive. We really only have money for food at the end of the day and put away money for bills. There's no extra money to bring the baby to the zoo or even to go down on the train to see my parents - they come up to us, but still I'd like to bring him to them sometime. Even small things like buying him a little rattle- I have to think, God, if I buy this now will I be able to afford the milk next week?

On top of that I feel guilty. Guilty because my boyfriend can't even afford to go out for a few pints with his mates after working all week (even though he never makes me feel guilty) or that he had to stop going to the gym because we couldn't afford it. And I don't have any of my close friends around me anymore. Two of them are in Austrailia and one is in Canada, the rest are dotted around Ireland but not close to where I live. My sister is great, she lives near and comes over to mind the baby if I need a shower or even for a chat. But I feel worn out and feel like a failure. Even the other day I was walking past a shop and saw my reflection in the window and thought, Jesus, is that me?? I tried to prepare for this because I knew it was coming but it still feels overwhelming.

It's terrible but sometimes I just want to go back to my parents, get into bed and stay there until everything goes away (I know it won't but it's the idea of it). And for the past four years I haven't even lived with my parents but I just feel like I'm being suffocated by everything. The sad thing is this isn't me, I don't hide from problems. I always deal with them and I do love my boyfriend and my baby but I just wish circumstances were different for them.

I dunno what advice I'm looking for, maybe- if anyone was in a similar situation, did it get better?

IrishEyes19

you sound like a great, Mam, OP, congratulations on that. There is nothing wrong with asking for a bit of help, it must be so overwhelming. Ring home and see what they say back.

Celly Smunt

Times change, the loan won't last forever and you'll find yourself with your family in the place you always dreamt you'd be.

Yes right now is probably tough for all of you, but as the other poster said never be afraid to ask for help. Weak people are the ones who don't share their problems or confide in someone for help every now and again.

In practical terms as of now, would looking for new cheaper accommodation be a possibility?

ameee

It does get better, we had our first at nineteen and we were really struggling with money, like you we couldnt afford anything that wasnt essential. It can take a while to find your feet when you start a family unexpectedly.

Your baby will never remember what they were dressed in or if they had expensive toys so dont feel bad, you seem to love your baby so much and want the best for him and having an amazing mum is what he will remember.

Things like the zoo are very expensive but there is plenty you can do for free like the playground,picnics or the beach that your baby will love. Never be afraid to ask your family for help if you need it im sure you would always want your baby to turn to you for help if you need it so im sure your parents would feel the same about you.

When your baby is a few years old your situation will pribably be much better, your partner may move up in his job and you may get a bit of work yourself so try and relax a lot of people are in your situation Ive been there myself stop being so hard on yourself your doing your best to be a good parent lots of children out there who have parents who dont care and that ranges from the poorest to the richest.

Merkin

Awww, you sound like such a lovely Mummy! You know, when it boils down to the very fundamentals of being a good parent to a baby, they need three things: lots of love, a full little tummy/good nourishment and stimulation. That's all. While it hurts you, your baby is not going to remember what kind of babygro they had or if their toys were top of the range. The best start is the three things I mentioned and you seem to be doing a really wonderful job. You clearly love the little chap so much and that's great. That's what ultimately shapes a person, that kind of start is far superior to a child who has every material thing going but is starved of affection.

Parenthood is overwhelming. I know any of my friends with kids said that they brought their little ones home from hospital and it was very much a case of..........:eek:, what now?!!! You seem to be doing a really wonderful job.

Why don't you guys sit down and work on your financial situation. Can he review his loan repayments given his financial circumstances? Can you look at cheaper accommodation? Are you setting out meal plans in advance? Maybe you need a little help with your financial management in order to make things a little easier.

Also, I'm not sure what your degree is in but if you do get some spare time, and I know it's hard with a little one, maybe use some time to improve your office and typing skills, which will help you/boost your CV when it comes to looking for a job for yourself.

Above all else, hugs. Things will get better and you're doing a really great job xx

MissFlitworth

Have you checked to see if you qualify for Family Income Supplement?

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/social_welfare/social_welfare_payments/social_welfare_payments_to_families_and_children/family_income_supplement.html

Obliq

Same as other posters have said OP, you sound like a GREAT mum! Congratulations on your baby and well done to you and your bf for making such a go of it, despite the financial difficulties. It is really tough, but if you don't beat yourself up about all the potential problems, before they happen, you'll be helping yourself out a bit there.

Like other posters said, your baby won't care if she's in last year's fashions, or not going to the zoo (waste of money bringing a baby to the zoo IMO, it might as well be the park or talking to a cat in someone's garden...). My kids have been in second hand clothes (obviously except pants, socks, shoes and uniforms) since birth and are perfectly well adjusted to it. They get the odd new trendy hoodie or whatever for birthdays/christmas. Second hand shops are ace for baby clothes and toys - don't be ashamed of going to them. We all are at this stage, I reckon!

Hang in there, you're doing great - the money worries are a bit overwhelming at times, but essentially I advise you not to worry about things that might happen, before they have happened.

Jellab

ask your family to chip in and buy a family pass for the zoo, its 160 euro and you can bring a picnic and stuff, my partner and i have 2 small kids and not much money. we bought a pass last year and its great to have, especially when your broke. you sound like a good mother and things will get better. its tough with small kids.

kiffer

I can only echo the others and say you sound like a great mother who wants the best for her baby.
Don't worry about cute clothes, they're for you more than for baby, baby wants warm and dry and comfortable more than cute and fashionable...
but the thought of a baby with no rattle nearly made me cry.
Second hand and hand me downs are the way to go.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from the government, friends and family...
You're the youngest of 7 so that's 7 uncle's and aunts that could be helping.