Thinking about stuff and where I'm at, how far I've gone.

Call Me Jimmy

Hi guys, I just wanted to get some thoughts or support, I'm having one of those days where everything kind of hits you in a real way ya know?

I dunno, I've been almost completely alone now for two years. It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the terrible thoughts I have of never being able to share my time with a person. I'm not usually like this but my body and soul are aching, wanting to love and be loved. I never thought I'd end up writing stuff like this but I've noticed recently I'm very lonely indeed.

The main thing is just having this mindset, an ultra-defensive stay away from everyone thing. When I'm out which is rare enough, it's wierd, sometimes I feel like I KNOW I would get along great with people, I know if I could show the true me people would warm to me instantly but I'm always frightened to take that step, opting usually for some safe pantomime of myself that, while I get by, it never allows me to say get close to a woman for example.

I know as well it's always bad the more you NEED someone else, and for years I've been trying to tell myself I don't need anybody but lately I just worry now that I am trapped in this space of not even being able to imagine someone fancying me.
When ever I allow myself to fantasise about some nice situation I get absolute desperate pangs of pain, like heartbreak.

Has anyone else ever gotten to that point? Literally sure nobody will ever find you attractive. I also have a problem of shrinking some times when I see two other people getting on.

I don't want to be a moper but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed. I would just love to experience a connection with a woman again (and life in general).

Sorry it's a bit waffly and meandering but as I said, one of those days I felt like writing it down.

Thanks for reading.

EDIT: I may need counselling / CBT, I am quite afraid of being a laughing stock though. Say if I get my head right and then go out doing positive things and I'm laughed at.

Rocky Marciano

First off, you're not a laughing stock Jimmy. You want to make positive changes to your life and posting here was the first step. That took courage and is to be admired, not laughed at.

Don't worry about what other people might think. You're working on being the best version of you that you can be, and the people that matter will support you.

Without knowing you personally, think about those qualities that make you special. Maybe you have a talent for music, art or sports? Maybe you always wanted to know how to do dance, speak Italian or play the violin? Maybe you have a caring personality and want to help others? If so, why not nurture one of those gifts/hopes/dreams? It could start off in just a little way, like one hour of volunteering or new class per week.

At your own pace you can expand your comfort zone, and do it with people who have similar interests to you.

I see no reason why you won't one day fall in love with a special person who loves you too. Keep believing in yourself. Keep taking positive steps. Hope the future is full of happiness for you. GOOD LUCK.

thegreatgonzo

Nobody will laugh at you I promise. Don't let that stop you from talking to someone who can help make you rediscover your self worth.

For what it's worth, being 2 years as a single person doesn't seem like a lot to me. I've been single a lot longer than that and so have some of my friends. It would seem to me that the greater problem is that you are retreating from any kind of social interactions. Like Rocky M said there you have to keep taking positive steps and believe in yourself.

Call Me Jimmy

Thanks so much for the replies guys. Literally a 30 seconds ago I had clicked on an Aware Volunteer ad on facebook and was reading about it.

Self-worth is definitely a big thing, I have lived years, almost my whole adult life like a dirty coin dropped on the ground, not particularly offensive, but valuelesss, to be ignored.

I really do feel like I am very caring and would like to help people. I also have known throughout this all that I have talents, I used to be such a showman, interested in acting, singing and music etc. but after years of fear and negativity it's gotten to a point where I feel like furniture. I miss making people laugh, when I was younger I don't know how I did it but all my interactions with people were based on me performing for them in some way I think and maybe that has been part of the problem.

I just really want to make the change as I've said. But it is scary and what steps to take as a start, and will I be able to keep something going myself? I feel like if I had a 'life coach' type person who was there with me making sure I was doing things, counselling, fitness, exposure to people, trying new things I would get out of it. Relying on my own mental fortitude is extremely difficult because after a couple of days I say to myself 'Ah **** it, I'll just stay in bed for a week'

But thanks again for replying.

Rocky Marciano

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

Literally a 30 seconds ago I had clicked on an Aware Volunteer ad on facebook and was reading about it.

Self-worth is definitely a big thing, I have lived years, almost my whole adult life like a dirty coin dropped on the ground, not particularly offensive, but valuelesss, to be ignored.

The facebook ad sounds interesting Jimmy. You could also check local newspapers to see if there are any homework clubs/charities that need volunteers. Other people's views won't matter so much. You'll know in your heart you're doing good for people who benefit from your help.

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I really do feel like I am very caring and would like to help people. I also have known throughout this all that I have talents, I used to be such a showman, interested in acting, singing and music etc. but after years of fear and negativity it's gotten to a point where I feel like furniture. I miss making people laugh, when I was younger I don't know how I did it but all my interactions with people were based on me performing for them in some way I think and maybe that has been part of the problem.

Drama sounds like a great place to start, GO FOR IT!!! I always try to tell myself 'the race isn't with anyone else but me'. Some guys are better at football than me, some are better dancers, some are better at art. But any time I pick up a football or a paintbrush my goal is a personal one. Be a little bit better than the time before and enjoy it.

If you have a guitar in the attic gathering dust, I encourage you to take it down and play it again. If you enjoy it, make new memories with it. You can find a quiet, relaxed place and play to your heart's content.

Call Me Jimmy wrote: »

I just really want to make the change as I've said. But it is scary and what steps to take as a start, and will I be able to keep something going myself? I feel like if I had a 'life coach' type person who was there with me making sure I was doing things, counselling, fitness, exposure to people, trying new things I would get out of it. Relying on my own mental fortitude is extremely difficult because after a couple of days I say to myself 'Ah **** it, I'll just stay in bed for a week'

Baby steps. If you like drama there is no pressure to be the next Marlon Brando overnight. You could start off by helping backstage with prop design or script writing. You know you can make people laugh and that's a good start. Then you could work towards a supporting cast role, and so on. There is no pressure. There is no rat race to the top. There are no time limits. You keep doing it as long as you enjoy it. If it's not for you, no worries. But remember, you're never, ever a failure. You can put it aside and try something else. Not everything we touch will turn to gold; setbacks will come. When they do, dust yourself off and keep going. If you have dreams (acting, music, relationships), hold them dear and don't give up on them. You can and WILL do this.