Are you confident?

NeonCookies

I've been thinking about this for the last while. I would have considered myself a confident person in that I don't mind speaking in front of a crowd, or introducing myself to new people etc. But, underneath all that...I don't know. I never feel like my performance at work is good enough. That's despite knowing my boss is happy with my work (she's said so!), and I get on extremely well with my coworker and we often work together on solutions to any issues. I still feel like I'm not doing well. My boyfriend can't understand this and says I need to have confidence in my own abilities. In social situations, while I may chat away to people.. I can be very sensitive to things I perceive to be me slipping up and saying the wrong thing, appearing boring etc. Again, I've expressed this worry to my OH and he's said he doesn't know how anyone could find me boring!

Obviously there's many layers to it. You look at people in some situations and think "wow, they have such confidence in themselves. I'd love to be like that" and then you watch them being asked to speak in front of a crowd or something and they cower. Some people are extremely confident in their work, but find social situations uncomfortable. My confidence has definitely improved since I was a teenager and would barely speak (I'm 24 now)

So, what does it mean to be confident? Are you confident? I've found pretending to be confident can work wonders in certain situations - especially social ones where you meet new people. Maybe the more you pretend, the more it become part of you!

vitani

The older I get, the more confidence I gain. Not in a cocky way, but I find myself more comfortable in my own skin and happier just to be myself.

That said, I still hate speaking in public and socially, I'm a listener instead of a talker so I often come across as less confident than I am.

Princess Peach

In some manners I'm fine. I was in a public speaking competition during my masters last year and did really well, we did practice a lot though, builds your confidence each time.

Socially I have very little. I used to be fine and could make friends easily, then I had a lot of close relationships fall apart, which wasn't my fault mostly, but it really knocked me and I got very socially anxious and awkward which led to other friendships falling apart, which was probably mostly my fault! So I don't have too much social interaction these days, fine by me cause otherwise I get anxious but it's probably not the best way to be I'm not very confident talking to people and so don't make much of a lasting impression anyway.

Trying to work on some things though. Don't have much confidence at all in my physical appearance but I take dance classes which is fun and rehearsing now for an upcoming show pretty scared but hopefully it goes OK!

eviltwin

I'd be fairly confident when it comes to asserting my rights, I'm not afraid of confrontation or approaching someone with a complaint. Ask me to speak in public though and I turn into jelly.

beks101

I think I'm a big contradiction really. Maybe we all are. I think it's part of the human condition.

Socially I'd be pretty confident, I've never had problems engaging people and I tend to make friends easily. There's nothing I love more than meeting new people and I'm endlessly curious about people in general, love getting to know what makes someone tick.

But throw me into the spotlight in front of a large class or group of people for a public speaking event and I'd probably crumble. I'm very social, but feel most comfortable in small groups or on the fringes, and would be the furthest thing from an exhibitionist or stage-centre extrovert.

Work-wise, I never really feel good enough. Despite the fact that my professional success to date should make me feel otherwise. But in a weird way, I've accepted that my feelings of inadequacy in the workplace will always come and go - it's a facet of my personality to be ambitious, overly self-critical and a bit of a perfectionist; and it's a facet of my industry to be usurped by the next over-eager, over-accomplished and over-hard working person in the door - that competition will always keep me on edge.

So in that sense, getting comfortable would be a dangerous thing to do. And I thrive on the energy of it all - I think feeling like I always need to be better has turned from being a self-hating thing, to something that keeps me on my toes and keeps me challenging myself professionally. So in that sense, I'm confident in my work insecurities

Physically, I've noticed I'm getting better with age. It's probably been the greatest joy in getting older for me. Body image has always been a big struggle, but I think maybe I reached a saturation point with it all, to the point where I don't really have the same energy to expend on the small change, fretting over gaining a few pounds, or a few spots, or "not being pretty enough", when realistically I'm better looking now than I ever will be.

I remember my mother said something a few years ago that really stuck in my head. She's my biggest cheerleader and being my mother, thinks I'm the best thing to ever walk the planet

But I was fretting about the house one evening before a night out, complaining about my skin or something silly, and she just looked at me wistfully and said "when you're close to my age Beks you'll realize just how beautiful you were all along. Don't waste these years"

And that's kind of the perspective I find myself taking on myself more and more as the years pass. I know overall I've been very blessed with what I have and who I am. I'm so proud of where I've come from, the example that has been set for me and all the little mannerisms and thought patterns and oddities and personality traits and physical traits I've inherited. I feel life is too short to be held back comparing yourself to others or beating yourself down - I don't want to look back and regret holding myself back from achieving the things I wanted to because I felt a little bit fat sometimes, or didn't think I was adequately smart or talented or whatever.

NeonCookies

eviltwin wrote: »

I'd be fairly confident when it comes to asserting my rights, I'm not afraid of confrontation or approaching someone with a complaint.

This is something I really need to work on. I have gotten better, but I still sit back and take things far too often. Then when I think about it later, and look back, I realise that the other person was completely in the wrong and I should have stood up for myself.

Other things I need to work on are asking for what I want straight out without feeling like I'm being an annoyance or a burden, and talking on the phone (I hate it!)

Strangely enough, socially I'm ok with all of the things above. I'd have no problem confronting or talking to a friend about an issue I'm having with them. But throw me in a less familiar situation e.g. with a salesperson, coworkers etc. ..I'm awful!!

Jenneke87

Not as much as I want or should be. My life hasn't turned out the way I wanted at all and I feel like a big failure. Evey time I think I've landed back on my feet, something happens to take it all away again and my confidence takes a nosedive My sisters are the succesful ones, not me, I'm the one that's still waiting on the good things in life to come. I don't have the confidence to stand up for myself, demand that people treat me better, or pick a fight if needed. I've had bad luck with keeping jobs over the last year; it constantly has me on edge about my performance and how long I'm gonna last this time. I save money like mad, just in case I'm let go again. If a teamleader says he wants to talk to me, my heart sinks immediately and I'm on the verge of panickin, that's how non-existant my confidence is unfortunately.

The only thing I am confident about is my body, and for that I'm grateful because I know alot of women aren't. I wouldn't mind having fewer scars, but overall, I wouldn't change a thing physically. Although I wouldn't mind waking up as somebody else inside, tomorrow.

Lia_lia

I'm very confident with people, and enjoy public speaking and all that. My job requires me to speak to people on camera a lot and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'm quite assertive also..

Sometimes I can feel a bit unconfident around my peers. Especially girls. Mainly because I have very little in common with most people. I never really stuck to the crowd and people tend to find it a bit weird sometimes... And I'm not very agreeable. But I'd rather do what I want than try and fit in with people.

Body-wise I'm grand too. Yay!


A lot of it has to do with growing up really!

sullivlo

Confidence is so subjective.

I'm confident in my work. I'm a good scientist. But confidence (bordering on cockiness) is what I needed to get to where I am in terms of approaching big named scientists for discussions. I'm confident discussing my work and presenting my work because I'm confident in it and would happily stand over it.

Socially I'm outwardly confident but inside I'm shaking but I make an effort to talk etc

I'm gaining body confidence.

Precious flower

I'm fine when it comes to speaking in front of people, and chatting to people in general, all those years of speech and drama helped! When meeting new people, it nearly always takes them to intate the conversation though for me to start talking to them. If they don't, I'll most likely sit there in silence!:o But once someone starts talking to me, it's hard enough to get me to shut up, so I'm chatty in that respect.

Like another poster said here, I too completely lose my confidence when there are other women around. I know it's stupid, but if I'm hanging around guys and there are other girls I will automatically decide that I'm not as good as them or that none of the men would be interested in me because these other girls are here. It's a stupid thing to do, but I do it everytime without fail. I immediately feel I'm in competition with those other girls.

Too, when it comes to jobs or joining a club I immediately rank myself at the bottom, everyone is more capable and better than me in my opinion. I'm always convinced I'm the worse at whatever we are doing. It's something I find very hard to shake and of course it makes me extremely doubtful and nervous. I so admire people who can just march into things full of confidence.

Doesn't help either when both your brothers get first honours degrees and, though I haven't finished college yet, it frustrates me that I don't have that ability like them and makes me feel like the failure of the family. I told my mum that when I finish college I plan to move as far away as possible because of that. The further am means I won't feel that I have to compete with them!

nokia69

Diffidence is the badge of all our tribe

maybe

Legs.Eleven

I get up and teach adults of varying ages everyday, so in that sense I'm not and I've done things like travel alone and moved country alone and found it easy to meet people.

I've always been a bit shy though all through my life as I'd probably be quite introverted although most of the time I hide it well and I know some people see me as quite the opposite.

Very smart, confident people intimidate me as I wouldn't feel on par with them, so I suppose I lack confidence in that respect. I get on with most people though.

Physically, I have no major issues on that front.

Censorsh!t

I'm not a confident person at all!

I'm confident only when speaking to close friends. Otherwise, I have some pretty bad self esteem. I am not confident in my work (I'm doing a PhD, so I should know by now that I must be somewhat okay otherwise I wouldn't have got accepted :P). I am terrible talking to new people, my mind closes up and I can't think of anything to say. I am also a wreck at public speaking. I usually will let something go instead of complaining or standing up for myself, unless I know the person very well or unless I'm drunk.

Pretty much an all-round ball of anxiety!

But...I don't think I'm as bad as I once was, or at least that's what people have told me, so that's a step up. I have often thought about counselling, but have never really gotten around to it. But maybe this year, hopefully I will get the confidence (ha) to actually go to it.

Dutchess

No, I wouldn't say I'm confident at all, unfortunately.

As others have said, I can speak up in front of a crowd if I know what I'm talking about or if I am well prepared.

I almost always doubt myself and need others to agree with me or feel the same way to alleviate that. Confrontation like standing up for myself is very difficult on me as I am way to anxious to be approved of or scared of the consequences of being disliked, this I fret about a lot. I also lack conviction most of the time, I think my opinion is somehow wrong, influenced by my negative mindset and that I should just get over it.

Although I am not an incompetent person, I question my abilities. I always think others are better and I'm not good somehow. I can do things, I passed my driving test first time, got a good 2013 performance review at work, have a high level of education etc. But I focus on my mistakes and shortcomings. This leads to me never really trying, and kind of half-arsing things. Learning something new is something I generally give up on early in because I hate that feeling of making mistake after mistake and I lack the belief that I will get better with practise.

I don't tend to feel attractive. I am very tall and have a tough time feeling feminine (I'm taller than my husband and taller than most people in general here), something not helped by not really being able to shop in normal shops for clothes and shoes. I especially hate my feet. Thanks to my big toe being longer than the rest, my shoe size ends up even bigger and I avoid open toed shoes. I often end up shopping in a men's section and calling over a sales person to ask for a bigger size just chips away at my self esteem.

So yes, it's pretty bad.

username123

Dutchess wrote: »

I don't tend to feel attractive. I am very tall and have a tough time feeling feminine (I'm taller than my husband and taller than most people in general here), something not helped by not really being able to shop in normal shops for clothes and shoes. I especially hate my feet. Thanks to my big toe being longer than the rest, my shoe size ends up even bigger and I avoid open toed shoes. I often end up shopping in a men's section and calling over a sales person to ask for a bigger size just chips away at my self esteem.

Im very small and I spend most of my life wishing I was taller. I can never see over crowds, reach things, and I feel small and dumpy compared to taller people who I perceive to have long elegant limbs (compared to my short drumstick like limbs).

I cant wear heels due to orthopediac issues so I feel extra small and dumpy - I cant even lengthen myself with a bit of heel height!!

Back to the OP. I think I am confident in terms of academic ability and professional ability - I feel confident in work.

Socially I am unconcerned what people think of me so I am confident in the sense that I dont worry what they think about what Im saying or how I look.

Ive no problem with public speaking etc...

However my conflict resolution skills are not good so I refrain from getting into confrontation to the point that I will let someone (in work say) get away with something rather than have an argument because I know if I get angry that it will take me some time to let it go, and I genuinely could end up walking from a job as a result.

Ilyana 2.0

I'm not terribly confident at all. I hate speaking in front of large groups, I jumble my words and make a fool of myself. I'm not a bit confident in college either, things have slipped a LOT recently and I tend to hide my lack of confidence behind nonchalance. I pretend I don't care. But my lack of ability scares me.

Socially I'm not confident either. I come across as chatty but I find it so hard to maintain friendships. I've had many friendships fall apart, which I tend to blame myself for. I think I must be boring, poor company and a bad friend. Again, when a friendship falls through, I pretend I don't care. It's just easier than getting upset every time.

Body-wise I'm not confident, not one bit. I would change nearly every part of me from top to toe if I could. My boyfriend compliments me all the time but I just can't see what he sees. I put a big effort into my appearance, for some reason I just couldn't let it all go to pot.

The only thing that I am somewhat confident in is my writing ability, and even that's nothing special. But it is my one skill, I guess!

ellavin

Not as much as I want to be more confident, put how many times can you get put down and be confident? I ' was one time very social etc but anxiety took over alot...

Lyaiera

I have fairly serious mental health issues. When I was struggling with college my father would scream at me that if it wasn't for him I'd end up homeless and on the streets (which is very prevalent with people who have my affliction.) Since I finished college (but still lived at home) he kept telling me that the only reason I made it through college was because of his intervening with the university. I mostly didn't believe any of this, but it did have a huge effect on my confidence. I felt useless and like I couldn't achieve anything.

I find it very hard to hold down a job, to work in general, to maintain a regular sleep cycle. A big part of that is I don't really have the confidence to build myself up to doing them. Strangely I've sorted accepted this. Since January I decided I was just going to deal with what comes my way, take time off work, look after myself and not stress myself. I've started looking for jobs recently. I know my mental health and general confidence is a very delicate thing and I need to protect it.

All of this (amongst other things) has meant that my confidence has been growing. I've become happier within myself and I feel more capable of doing things even if they are limited. Accepting my failings, while angered by it some times makes me realise what I am capable of. I want a lot of things, but sometimes I know I'm simply not strong enough to get them. Accepting that has given me confidence to get the things I can.

I know I'm an intelligent person. I know I'm a caring person. I know I'm a flawed person. I think I have the confidence now to keep putting my best foot forward.

poundapunnet

vitani wrote: »

The older I get, the more confidence I gain. Not in a cocky way, but I find myself more comfortable in my own skin and happier just to be myself.

That said, I still hate speaking in public and socially, I'm a listener instead of a talker so I often come across as less confident than I am.

Yeah, same here I think. I've gotten to the stage where I'm confident that I know myself, and I know that I just really don't like or do well in certain situations-big parties/nights out and public speaking being the main ones. I've had friends give out to me for being dry or being 'afraid' to do these things, and while there is an element of truth to it it's really just that I don't care to repeat the experiment I've already conducted 100+ times to see if I will enjoy myself. I know that I won't, so I avoid situations like that where possible.

In work and personal relationships I have no problem standing up for myself if I feel it's necessary, but I will try to avoid those kinds of conflict by dealing with it differently if possible. Basically it takes a lot to get me to the point where I'll engage in direct conflict, but once that line is crossed I can get very aggressive, which sometimes surprises people.

I'm fairly confident about the standard of my work, my intelligence etc. Body/appearance...that's a whole other thread.

I don't think anyone who appears super confident is really the way they seem though. Some of the most social, beautiful, high-achieving people I know are a hot mess once you scratch the surface; and the quiet slackers can sometimes be some of the happiest.

Snoopy1

The older I get the worse I feel. Ive been injured so much lately that I cant exercise any more so I just feel so fat and unattractive.
I have social anxiety, amd I buy lots of nice clothes but get to stressed and cancel everything.
It has cost me friendships, because I always cancel everything.
I think im really boring and I really have no friends, amd I know for sure my boyfriend is getting fed up with me.
Ive never stood up for myself when ive been bullied at work either.
Whenever I speak and lots of people arw around I blush really badly, and everyone comments on it which makes me worse
Even now im thinking of exxuses to get out of lunch tomorrow with his family.
The only thing im confident in is going on holiday on my own

beauty101

I've definitely gained confidence with age. When I was younger I was painfully shy, even around relatives and my own circle of friends. I got a job in retail when I was 18 and that majorly improved my confidence with inter-personal relationships, standing up for myself etc.

Looks-wise I'm confident and happy in my own skin however I still find I can be lacking self esteem in big social groups and if I'm around somebody I'm attracted to

One thing I'm still working on is confidence in my own abilities...work-wise, college-wise etc. Hopefully that confidence will come with time!

cactuspaw

nope, not confident at all. this seems to be a thing thats an issue in interviews, hence unemployment at the moment.

I'm a bit weird because i put a lot of work into gaining confidence a while ago and I was much more confident when i was in college. however due to a series of unfortunate events, followed by being around some very unhelpful people, my confidence is pretty much zilch.

I dont mind talking in front of people, i kind of have to for what im qualified in. So teaching somthing, giving a presentation or anything where I have to relay information, job done. But im extremely easily intimidated and dont enjoy giving myself credit. I hate taking complements.

As for relationships? well ...hmmm....

Men tend to like confident girls, but if your "just there" nobody is interested, and so the circle continues. Theres nothing more attractive to me then a confident guy, unfortunately those men you have to fight off tons of others for and if your not very confident about yourself in that?

Body wise, i decided a few months back I could work on and have to say I'm happier with. I still dont feel like Miss Ireland, but I look ok.

I'm a work in progress.

beks101

cactuspaw wrote: »

Men tend to like confident girls, but if your "just there" nobody is interested, and so the circle continues. Theres nothing more attractive to me then a confident guy, unfortunately those men you have to fight off tons of others for and if your not very confident about yourself in that?

I dunno, I reckon I've 'scared' a few men off in the past by being very confident, forward, certain about my intentions. Granted in hindsight they would've been the absolute wrong men for me, but I've had a few men say to me before that they wouldn't have bothered approaching etc because they assumed I was already hooked up (the first time I met one particular ex he thought he was with the gay friend I arrived with!) - and then I've had other situations where I've initiated the approach / interest and it's gone down like a lead balloon.

I'm not anywhere near cocky and socially I was a total wallflower up until about college-age, at which stage I gained a great new group of friends and social life and things sort of took off for me. But I'd be pretty outgoing and a total chatterbox and over the years I've not really noticed a difference in men's interest from when I was quieter and meeker - in fact, to my memory some guys were definitely into that.

cactuspaw wrote: »

I'm a work in progress.

I think this is all we can ask of ourselves really.

Karmella

NeonCookies wrote: »

This is something I really need to work on. I have gotten better, but I still sit back and take things far too often. Then when I think about it later, and look back, I realise that the other person was completely in the wrong and I should have stood up for myself.

Other things I need to work on are asking for what I want straight out without feeling like I'm being an annoyance or a burden, and talking on the phone (I hate it!)

Strangely enough, socially I'm ok with all of the things above. I'd have no problem confronting or talking to a friend about an issue I'm having with them. But throw me in a less familiar situation e.g. with a salesperson, coworkers etc. ..I'm awful!!

This could be me . I very rarely stick up for myself or complain, and I'll email or text someone 9 times out of 10 instead of calling them. Except for your last point - I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague, even with those closest to me. Has pretty much contributed to the failure of my marriage.

TommieBoy

Karmella wrote: »

This could be me . I very rarely stick up for myself or complain, and I'll email or text someone 9 times out of 10 instead of calling them. Except for your last point - I hate confrontation and avoid it like the plague, even with those closest to me. Has pretty much contributed to the failure of my marriage.

We could be twins.

I may not be confident in interpersonal stuff, but I'm fairly confident in my work ethic and determination.