So sad and Getting nowhere

LegacyUser

I don't really know where to start with this so forgive me if it's a bit of a ramble. I'm going anon and nervous of revealing too much that I'll be identified.
All I know is that I'm terribly unhappy, ridiculously lonely and have given up hope of ever having a normal life.

I don't know if people around me are even aware of how awful things are in my head. I suspect some do as they don't bother with me much.

I'm in my late 30's, single and don't have any children. I have a reasonably good job and while I had to settle for a little less during the recession, I'm getting back on my feet again in this respect. I still live in rented accommodation and still share with people to reduce my rental costs. This does not help my situation as I seem to go from one bad set up there into an equally bad one in terms of housemates, landlords etc.

I have been single now for five years following a horrendous relationship where I lost a lot of money and all of my confidence. I won't go into the details but it was bad judgement on my part and the guy turned out to be an absolute liability. Problem was, it wasn't the first time I'd ended up with an individual like this and it seemed to be part of the course - each relationship had gone from bad to worse resulting in my decision not to get involved with anybody going forward as my judgement was clearly not good.

Two years ago I lost the most important people in my life, my parents. I lost them suddenly and very prematurely and I still miss them terribly. I was very close to them being the only single 'child' and still spent xmas with them etc. Following their death, my siblings (all male) have not been supportive and basically I never hear from them. I will admit it was following a few run-ins where I felt I was being treated unfairly and being used as a punching bag so to speak. The minute I'd let my guard down, I got hurt again so I withdrew to protect myself as I really had enough to cope with.

My past hasn't been smooth and some drama could have been avoided. I was sexually abused when I was 11 years old and this was something I didn't reveal to anybody for a very very long time. It left me very confused as a teenager and certainly altered my personality big time. I thought and still think to some degree that it was my fault, that I was an easy target. I beat myself up for not stopping it despite not knowing what was going on. Unfortunately my change in behaviour was viewed as 'a teenager playing up' and being the only girl my parents had little experience and thought it was normal. I self harmed, I threw tantrums, I did everything in my power to get attention.

My life hasn't always been so negative either, I remember some very happy times esp in my 20's where I was popular, went out having fun and was generally happy and carefree.

I feel like everytime I have tried to move forward some other blow has knocked me back just as far. I put all my energy into putting on a front for people and find it exhausting. I rarely confide in friends with my problems as I'm afraid of losing them. Don't get me wrong, I have some very good friends who were there for me so much at my time of grief.

I have and continue to go for counselling but I'm hitting a brick wall in terms of my own thoughts and fears. I've never felt so lonely in my life. I keep pushing myself but things don't really improve.

GreeBo

Op it may be worth trying other councilors, you will get different things from different people.

Best of luck, sounds like a bit of a rough patch alright.

Jenneke87

Hey OP,

First of all, well done for recognizing the pattern of destructive relationships you ended up getting into and removing yourself from those situations and staying away from them, till you are in a better headspace. Not many people can do that, so be proud of yourself for this.

You mention you have a stable job, but in a terrible houseshare. Would you be able to rent something for yourself no matter how small? Don't think renting is a bad thing, having a mortgage in these times ain't all that either. I think it would be good for you to have a place that's really your own and where housemates don't give you additional stress.

I echo the advice above that maybe you need new counselors or let your current one(s) know that you feel like you're not getting any further and would now maybe benefit from a different time of treatment.

Are you in a position to meet new people by taking up a hobby or volunteer for a cause you believe in? In addition to meeting new people this way, it's also a great way to boost your confidence You deserve to be happy but you gotta take the first step at some point.

Is it an option for you to contact your brothers and try to reconcile? You only have one lifetime with them, and unless they are really toxic, it might be worth the effort.

Please take care and remember that this too, will pass, cliché as it sounds

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Am mid-30s and can empathise with your situation.
Ive gone through a fair amount of knocks in my lifetime too.
To the general public, Im all wit and charm. Good job. Full of buzz. And I get home and sometimes it feels like everything is fuzzy and spinning out of control.

I too attend a councellor. It is, at least cathartic, someone I can vent to. It has taken some of the anxiety/stress away.

Due to issues also in my childhood, I have had some catastrophic relationships. Of the highest kind. My self-esteem was all over the place. Mis-placed trust. They say we look for relationships or a person to satisfy something we lack in ourselves. Could be attention for example, and then you almost stick to that person (even when they treat you like ****). Another one you see daily is loneliness (even people in relationships). Isnt it better to be in a (crappy) relationship than none at all (because you are actually lonely yourself). They are wrong reasons to be with someone.

Im single 4/5 years, and I think I am ready to meet someone, with my new found knowledge, but am terrified. I tend to attract monsterous a*holes because they see me (or I project myself) as being vulnerable. I thought I had to change myself/turn to be harder just to get through a day. But I dont. I dont care what people think anymore. Am just a nice person. Noone can take that away from me.

I see myself in a different light now. I have a voice. I am good and I am worth it. And Im the one who controls my life. I deserve good things in my life and to meet someone who will respect me to the highest order. Because I now respect myself.

Sgt Pepper 64

OP, Try and see things a little differently. Your life has MANY positives
Not least of all is the fact you actually had loving parents who you were close to. That's not as common as it sounds.
Plus you have good friends who have supported you. There must be something about you for them to remain friends, so you are still very much "popular".
Why shouldn't you be "happy" and have fun again?
Think about what makes you happy, dancing perhaps and then get your friends together for a fun night out.
Plus the old advice is still good. Join a club, something you have a interest in and enjoy that and perhaps make new friends

You make think that "late 30's'" is old, but its really not!
You've learnt a lot of life's lessons, the hard way and now take that experience and knowledge and use it. Write a bucket list and start on it. Go on internet dates, just for FUN and to meet new people, not to find a life partner.
Sure you might get hurt again in r/ships, but you have to kiss a lot of frogs sometimes and believe me there as a lot of lonely men who feel the same way you do out there.
You know the warning signs now re men to avoid so listen to that inner voice!

Think outside the box. You have no ties to Ireland, no mortgage and perhaps your kind of work would be easy to find again, so why not try another country, volunteer work or part time work. Your friends and Ireland will still be there if you come back. Try a warmer country, more exposure to sun will lift you

Life is just beginning for you, go and grab it!